[lippybiscuit]

Hi all.... I'm new here and this my first post. Hopefully someone has some good advice for me!! I have just come off the anti-depressants and have spent the whole day crying and am feeling very low.

Things have been bad between hubby and me lately. He's not got any work on and is down about it and has been shutting me out and this has been making me totally down as well as I don't know what to do to help him and it hurts that he's been so closed off to me. The other day I did something bad and checked his facebook messages and it turns out he's been messaging his ex girlfriend. Messages are totally innocent but I couldn't help but pick up that he'd put an "X" at the end of his messages. And also, that he hadn't told me about it!!!! He's now arranged to do some work for her which he has told me about - and I can't very well expect him to turn down paid work at a time like this. But it's bugging me - I can't stop thinking about it - especially as things have been so weird between us. I can't help wondering if he's looking elsewhere for something, a bit of excitement or something that he's not getting from me. I keep wondering how he feels when he's talking to her online and whether he still fancies her and whether he's getting a buzz from it.

It's driving me mad. Am I being an insecure silly mare or should I be worried???

He also had kids with a different ex and his contact with her drives me mad to and we have lots of fights about it. I've been cheated on lots of times in the past by previous boyfriends and I'm terrified that I'm going to be made a fool of again. I seem to swing between totally trusting him and thinking that its just my insecurities, to being convinced that he's lying and sneaking around. I just can't work out what the truth is anymore. He says that he loves me all the time but his actions say different - I get the feeling he just doesn't want to be around me.

Please... can anyone help me? I feel like I'm going mad??

Becks xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Pomegranate]

Hi Becks,

When I stopped my anti-depress. med 3 years ago, after being on it for 10 years, my emotions were a bit of a hilly ride for around 3 months. So you may be experiencing something like that also. It takes time for the body to get back to a "level" spot - now that spot may end up being depressed again, so consider that.

As for the husband, remember you have no control over another person, you really only have control, sort of, over yourself and your actions. My husband is not good at talking about or expressing his feelings. We recently read two books that were helpful, How To Heal A Painful Relationship by Bill Ferguson and What You Feel You Can Heal by John Gray. We found good advice and suggestions in both books.

I would go with trusting your gut instincts, acknowledging your feelings - at least to yourself if not your husband. But put the focus back on yourself, what do you need to do to help yourself, to take care of yourself? Then start taking the steps to do those things. Whether he's cheating on you or not, you need to decide what you are going to do to make the situation as it is right now better FOR YOU. You might start by trying to have a conversation with your husband about your feelings, your fears, your needs. Maybe your honesty about all your feelings, good & bad, will help him open up. But try to do it in as kind & loving way as possible.

As you take those steps to take care of yourself, your relationship and what, if any, further steps to take will become more clear to you. Good luck.

[lippybiscuit]

Wow... thanks for the advice Pomegranite! As I have discovered it takes a day or so for these posts to be shown on the site and so that post was written yesterday.

Todays been a bit better - we had a talk about everything and I feel much more secure about things and he's opened up a lot too and I know I've just been being silly about his ex. That all has to do with being cheated on lots in the past I think.

But the mood swings have still been pretty bad and I've had 2 nuclear meltdowns today already!!!! I guess I'll just wait and see if it levels off. I've only been off them a week so we'll see how it goes. Hubby wants me to see the doc again but I think that's just because he can't take it!!! I don't want to be on medication forever so I'll just see how it goes I think.

Thanks again for the advice! Its nice to know that someone cares!

[gimmeice]

Hello lippybiscuit, it's nice to meet you, welcome to psych central. I am glad that things are looking better today for you. Just remember that open communication is the key to a successful relationship so when you are feeling like things are off try to calmly talk it over with him.

Again welcome, if you have any questions feel free to private message any community liaison or moderator, here is a link to a list of forum leaders.
http://forums.psychcentral.com/showgroups.php

[Rhapsody]

Welcome to PC.

Might I suggest that you be careful as it seems that your man needs validation from women and this is still coming from his ex's for some reason..... be careful & take care.

May your marriage stay strong during the trials of trust and love.