[madisgram]

i have been mulling this over and over in my mind. i trust you all to give me guidance of how i can best overcome what has happened. in 1989 my sister stole a lot of money from me. no need to get into that part now. the issue is what has happened since that time. when she took the money i could not believe that she could do such a horrible thing to me since i had left my abusive husband without a divorce settlement to just get rid of him. these monies were from my inheritance when my father died. she knew i planned to use the money to start over. she and her husband spent all of it and then declared bankruptcy. over the years i had asked them to make restitutiion...he was an architect and my sister had a professional job. they were making a lot of income at the time. they never did and then her husband died. i requested she write me a promissory note. she did. i continued to try to salvage the sisterhood because in spite of what my sister did i still loved her. i don't like what she did to me however at all.
recently i spoke with her and asked her to plan to pay me back (again). she said i have left you the money in my will. (i am the oldest sister!!!) i told her if i outlived her was not when i needed the money but now. i am on disability and these monies would be worth quuite a consdierable sum had i had it to invest. i am now 61. so when she got her end of the year bonus...$4,000, i approached her again and asked that she give me a portion to start repaying me. she never responded to this request. recently my son told me she was going to send me a copy of her will stating she was leaving me the money when she died. she also said she did not want to ever talk with me again.
i did not do anything wrong. i know that. so now she decides this is my punishment for asking for what belongs to me??? i can't tell you how much this hurts. it's almost like when it happened so long ago. there's much more to this story but i'm trying to be as brief as i can to get feedback. what would you do if this happened to you? how can u just shut off the love you have for a sister? my heart is pounding as i write this...this is how much this has affected me.
thank you for reading and i trust you all will help me put this in it's proper perspective so i can move past this. i am so heartbroken.

I would go to the small claims court to get some money back off her or at least see a lawyer.

[mixedup_emotions]

Wow, I am sorry that your sister did this to you. I have been burned a number of times in a similar way, except it was never a close relative - only more distant relatives or close friends.

Part of me feels that you need to figure out which is more important - the money or your relationship with your sister. Could you handle "letting it go"? Would you even be able to salvage the relationship at that point?

It would be great if you could deal with this in therapy - WITH your sister would be even more ideal, but probably unrealistic.

The other part of me says that you should sue her...

[Beholden]

A sister to sister relationship is hard when one isn't being a good sister. You have done what you can - sorry she isn't acting kindly toward you.

My guess is she isn't going to do anything differently. She sent a copy of what "her plan to repay you" is, her will. My thinking is this resolves her of her responsibilities toward what she owes you. But in truth, it is unrealistic of her to think that way. What a jerk. It is sad.

Does she see you need that money? Does she care that you want it back?
Is there a reason she thinks you don't deserve it now or in the past? I don't get it. Darn, money can be the cause of so many rough relationships.

Small claims court is one idea, I'm not smart when it comes to what other actions can be taken, but if you truely need the money and can stand the stress of getting back what is rightfully yours, go for it. It is already apparent that you are the one who wants the sister relationship, and her, not so much. Sorry if that stings, If it were up to me I'd give you a new sister. .

It hurts more when you aren't the one who did the rejecting I think. Sounds like she just doesn't get it. And at this point, probably never will.

God bless you sweetie. Good luck making your decision. I'ts so hard I feel your pain

[notz]

Madisgram,

BTDT - sigh - a long story of my own. My sister did a little switcharoo herself. But she never admitted it & it couldn't be proven. Girl, tell me about "letting it go"!

In my humble opinion, get whatever admission of debt owed to you that you can from her in writing (a copy of her properly executed will would be ideal), see if your son, dil or whomever will agree to give depositions regarding what they know or have witnessed.

I would ask around for a good attorney. I would hope it's a sizeable amount of money considering possible attorney fees. But I'd still seek an attorney's opinion for knowledge of what options are available to you under the law. The length of time involved would not bode well for you I suspect, but you don't know unless and until you seek counsel.

There's another consideration, what state laws apply? Out of town costs?

Maybe you could settle for pennies on the dollar? "I won't take you to court if you settle for 65% of the total due in x-number of days".

You could consider a paid in full life insurance policy for the full amount which she could probably purchase for a percentage. That way you still won't see the money in your lifetime but it could be part of your estate.

It's amazing what bonds are broken for money. Sorry it happened to you.

[madisgram]

hi all, thank you thus far for your thoughts. i 've done some research and it's still considered grand theft in the state of florida altho i got some of the money back in the early 90's. the remaining amount is still grand theft. as i stated ealier it was not a small amount of money.
here's where i'm at with this...i was so hesitant to even hold her accoutable all these years and have made attempts for her to own her debt and do the right thing.
had she not done what she did recently i might have said, oh well, but it is now clear to me that she does not value me at all as her sister. she has totally shut me out of her life and has shut the door on our relationship because i once again asked for my money.
so i'm still mulling this over but as i see it today, i have already 'lost' her (her choice) so what i have to gain is the money she owes. never, ever, would have i done something like this to ANYONE much less a sibling. she and her husband lived high on the hog all their marriage and even now she lives beyond her means. i have always been responsible like i was taught.
ok i'm getting worked up again. i hope to hear some more responses....like this isn't even small claims....it's a felony and grand theft.
what hurt me the most when this happened so long ago was that my dysfunctional, "pink elelphant in the living room" family, avoided me cause they knew what she had done....how f...up is that? i moved back up north and stayed there 25 years after this happened.
and here's the real kicker...when my father was alive he was the state attorney of florida. this would have broken his heart to see this. he always taught us to be honest and responsible.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by madisgram

what hurt me the most when this happened so long ago was that my dysfunctional, "pink elelphant in the living room" family, avoided me cause they knew what she had done....how f...up is that?

I wonder if that was a result of them feeling so awkward and not knowing how to deal with the situation. It was probably quite uncomfortable for them. They may have formed their own opinions but didn't want to get involved. Of course, I would've preferred their support....but would understand that they did not want to get in the middle (even though I'd have to deal with the pain of accepting that).

Ria

[nowheretorun]

being honest and responsible is the right way ((gram)) stick to your position if you believe strongly that you are thinking clearly about the differences between good and poor health... even if you lose your case for some unseen cause, in your heart you will know you did what you believed to be best and safest for all.. continue expressing your truth in your usual kind and calm way... sound reason cannot be faulted

[lou99pop]

(((((((((((((madisgram)))))))))))))))))

She took what is yours is a theft (covet) she won't face up and she knows she did wrong. It hurts for you but you don't deserve to feel like that
Are you ready to take her to the court? 'cruel to be kind but justice has to be done'
Let me know how you are getting on.

[madisgram]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I wonder if that was a result of them feeling so awkward and not knowing how to deal with the situation. It was probably quite uncomfortable for them. They may have formed their own opinions but didn't want to get involved. Of course, I would've preferred their support....but would understand that they did not want to get in the middle (even though I'd have to deal with the pain of accepting that).

Ria

the values we were all raised with was to say, how in the world could you do that to your sister???? you need to make restitution. no, i'm over that part, but i made a good decision to get a healthy distance from unhealthy ppl...my siblings. if i had been the other sib i would have said just what i just wrote. i don't excuse them for their inability to put in their 2 cents worth in, if nothing else to be there for me emotionally. i was left with not a penny to my name! i had to go to food banks to eat! i had no means to live. my firends from pa. came down, packed up my belongings and took me to their home in pa. that's what families do..but in my case it was wonderful, loving friends that saved my life.
it wasn't about getting in the middle of anything....it was about a sister wronged and robbed. maybe you can see something i don't but my value system and my strength in my own self would have allowed me to be there for my sibling. it wasn't about taking sides.
that's like seeing a person being beaten senseless on the street and ppl walking by saying, i don't want to get in the middle of this!! it's happened so i know some ppl have this sick way of thinking. oh i'll shut up.

((((((madisgram)))))))))) Kind one. Im so sorry this happened to you.
SOmething along the lines happened with my sister and I . Except I gave her the money thinking I was giving it for one reason , but it was used for drugs
At one point of her recovery the money was offered back to me by her brother inlaw. He said I had 24 hours to think it over.
I did not need the 24 hours ,.......I said no..no ((ty))
For reason left to me ((to know)) aww
Your family imo needed to help you .
I have no advise for you , only to do what you feel is right for you.
She did do you wrong. imo
For that Im sorry as i know you hurt.
Please take care of you and know i think you are a very kind person.

[seeker1950]

Madisgram...I'm so sad to read of this happening to you.
I'm wondering, if you can elaborate, how was the estate handled? Was there and executor/executrix who was in charge of distribution of funds? Did you receive funds and then give them to your sister in good faith? that they would be repaid in good time?

I had an uncle thru marriage to my maternal aunt. His uncle, a single fella with substantial assets, passed away and left everything to my uncle, though the uncle had a brother. My uncle chose not to share this with him, and I thought it was wrong of him. It seems people show their "true colors" when it comes to inheritance and money.

When my mother passed away over a year ago, I was the executrix, but my sister and I shared everything down to the penny, mostly due to her and her records keeping. If one of us had been left everything, we would still have chosen to share equally and totally. That's the only right thing to do. I'm so sorry you are having this heartbreak.

Were I in you position, I'd be struggling with the issue of legal action. Your sister sounds heartless and very hurtful to you. The idea of leaving you money in her will is insulting. You need that money now.

Love
Patty

[Pomegranate]

(((madisgram)))

I feel so bad for you. You have been treated very unfairly, and with no love or respect by your sister. She does not deserve your love, your attention or your time. Not one more minute of your concern should be spent on her. What she has done to you is horrible.

What you need to do is forgive yourself and understand that you truly did not deserve this treatment. You have not done anything wrong. All you have done is try too hard to love and accept and believe in a sister who did not deserve the love, concern and the many chances to do the right thing that you gave her. Accept that you will never get that money from her, or anything else worthwhile. I'm sure this will take some time, it's like a grieving process, that you will have to go through.

And it's just terrible that a nice person like you has to deal with so much pain and other negative feelings. But that's the only way through this, is to feel all the bad feelings until you are able to forgive yourself, your sister and let it all go. It's really not fair.

[AAAAA]

I'm so sorry that your sister put you through this. I don't even think that you have any legal recourse, most states only give you 7 years. If she wrote the iou less than 7 years ago you may be able to re-coup the money. As for the personal relationship, it doesn't sound like a healthy person to have in your life to begin with. But it still hurts that your own sister would do this to you. Again so sorry that she turned out to be a jerk!

[madisgram]

Originally Posted by seeker1950

Madisgram...I'm so sad to read of this happening to you.
I'm wondering, if you can elaborate, how was the estate handled? Was there and executor/executrix who was in charge of distribution of funds? Did you receive funds and then give them to your sister in good faith? that they would be repaid in good time?

Were I in you position, I'd be struggling with the issue of legal action. Your sister sounds heartless and very hurtful to you. The idea of leaving you money in her will is insulting. You need that money now.

Love
Patty

hi patty
thank you for your loving response as so many others have done too. it's a long story how my sister got hold of the money..basically it was this, she knew i was leaving my abusive husband, she said u have never asked help from the family, let us help you now and u move down here near us. i was so vulnerable at the time and had lost all sense of self and trust in other human beings (ex) that i believed her since she was my sister. what i did not know at the time was that she and her husband were on the brink of financial disaster (again). she told me to expedite my monies being available (she was in banking) to wire them the money to their account in florida so when i arrived we could go to the bank and open me an account. i was such an emotional wreck, i did just that, only keeping 9,000 for the costs of my moving from up north, etc. about two weeks after i arrived at their house i said we need to go over to the bank and transfer my funds. she drove me all the way there and then said, there's something i have to tell you. i said, ok. she said, there is no money left. i said what??? she said, we spent it. i felt literally like someone had hit with with a board. they had spent all my money in the short time before i got there. she said she was sorry. her husband didn't even say that. i said well let's work out a way for you all to pay me back. she said, we can't. end of story.
we got home i got in my car and went to a friend's. my friends from pa. called me later at my firends' house suspecting something was very wrong. they said we don't know what's happened but we feel we need to come down there and bring you back to our home. i burst out crying at that point and told them what happened. (my gf's husband had gone with me to the bank when i wired the money and knew the circumstances.) he was down the next day from pa. to load up my belongings and took me back to their home. i lived there for 1 year, paid them rent, etc , got a job, got on my feet and finally got an apt. at that time i returned to my career and stayed up north for 25 years. i've had some incredibly loving friends in my life. i am surely blessed for each of them.
so that's how the monies got into her hands. it was a deceitful ploy and it worked out. i fell for it. to this day i am amazed how anyone can do such a thing to another human being. i think she thought i'd cave in and let them get away with it. for years i gave her opportunities to make this right.
this recent attempt with her again has sent me over the top when my son said she was breaking all ties with me...all for asking her to repay me my monies. (he was aware and supported my decision to ask her again for restitution) she didn't have the nerve to call me...she called my son. that is disgusting to me for her to put him in that spot.
so that's the long version, patty. thank you gain for your kind and caring support. here this is an online community and i've met such wonderful caring ppl here. i'm begininng to think again that i should just stick with my friends for the most part. like they say, you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family.
yes i''m about 90% sure i will seek an attorney for advice. yes, again, being disabled and living on a fixed income has been a burden that i have accepted. but this sitatuion needs to be addressed i believe.
thank you again, patty.

[seeker1950]

Madis...I'm at work, so I can only respond briefly this morning. This was a crime that your sister committed. A crime, period. She needs to be held accountable legally for doing this to you. Basically, you handed her some money that was yours, trusted her to take care of it for you (she suggested it!), and then she stole it from you. A total breach of trust.
l'll comment more this evening.
Love
Patty

[AAAAA]

(((madisgram))) I'm speachless! Your sister took advantage of you when you at your most vulnerable! How these people can look themselves in the face I don't know.

[flikrofhope]

Dear Madisgram

You need to hold your sister responsible for her actions. If this would have been anyone else would you not press charges? I know you love your sister, but she is a thief.

Please don't allow yourself to be responsible for her actions. In other words. You did nothing wrong and even tried to protect your sister. It is her way of saying "I have no intention of paying you back". Remember, Wills can be changed as fast as they are made. Make a copy to show you and once you've seen it she calls and has it changed.

By not doing anything all these years, you have come across to her that you won't do anything about it so she has nothing to worry about.

I will pray for you

Diane

[seeker1950]

Madisgram...I've thought about you a lot today while at work. I don't understand why your sister has made no attempt to pay you back the money she stole from you...even in small increments would show some kind of good intention.
I just looked at your initial post about this, and see that it happened in '89? That is now 20 years gone by. I don't know what the legal ramifications are when so much time has elapsed. I would seek out some kind legal counsel as soon as possible. If it can be pursued, you have nothing to lose in the matter, considering that your sister has estranged herself from you. She has done this, no doubt, out of guilt over this theft, and she can't stand to be reminded of it.

If a person runs up a credit card, or borrows money and then doesn't repay, there are legal consequences, like garnisheeing wages, or seizure of property. I would hope that the legal system could work for you in this matter. Odds are your sister would say you "gave" her your money. I hope you have some kind of paper record of what was deposited. Any half-intelligent judge would realize you were in a very vulnerable state when this transpired.

Patty

[lou99pop]

hi madisgram, i read something somewhere mentioned that real friends are more closer family than own family. im glad your friends took action and they are care for you by all means.
no you are not going to shut up, because you deserve to talk no matter how little or large

[Capp]

((madisgram))
I am so very sorry...

A similar situation happened with my sister and my mothers' estate. It's a hurt that runs deep to put it mildly.

My thoughts are with you as you pursue settling it.
As far as it being your sister? It makes no difference.
Do everything you can do get your money--and do it without guilt.

Take care of you, please
Cap

[Tumnus]

Madisgram, I really suck at taking just action for my own self. I'd rather move on than cause trouble or stand up for myself. This being the case I have a hard time telling you that I think that is exactly what you should do. I don't know that I could find the strength to do so myself but I am disgusted that your sister would do that. I have felt indebted to my sister when I've owed her $100 and it burned in my mind until I payed her back. That's how sisters--no, that's how decent individuals--should feel and act on. You can't change her hard heart and you may never completely stop feeling the pain of what she did but I think legal action is the right way to do what you still can with the situation. It would break my heart to do so if I were in your shoes but if someone could stand with me to make sure I followed through, I know I would thank them for it. You are not asking for anything out of greed--she's the greedy one. You are merely asking for what is yours in order to take better care of you, the kind of care you deserve just for being human. I know that many people here value you as much more than "just" human, though.