[grammee]

My husband of 31 yrs.went on a business trip, after returning home I found on his computer pictures of him and her, not to mention, he set up an e-mail account secretly to keep in contact with her. what would you think? He (of course, says nothing happened)

[bonaire]

You kind of need to get to the intimate come-to-Jesus discussion with him and ask him "what's going on..."

In other threads, we have discussed affairs and other things along with the healing that is possible. However, maybe nothing did happen. If it's truly a friend and not something, ask who she is and if you could talk to her. Nothing wrong with talking to a friend. If he protects her to the point of not allowing that, then maybe something did happen.

I'll admit - I've had an affair, been through everything from counciling to separation to reconciliation and then a few years have gone by since. It's not easy now - nothing like it was before the affair. So, do your best to try to find out what happened, if anything, and if it did, you're best bet is marriage counseling before doing anything else.

[madisgram]

ouch, that would be hard for me to deal with. i do have old trust issues that immediately came to the forefront when i read your 2 posts, grammee. seems to me this is the "come to jesus meeting" time for you two. you have done nothing wrong, first of all. i don't care if your marriage was on the rocks. if he is having an affair. i know i am tough on this issue with partners but i feel if one is unhappy then the fair and sensible thing to do is stop the one relationship before starting another. but that is just me. i saw what infidelity did to my family growing up and it has impacted my life and my entire family altho it was a "secret".
i would ask your husband for an honest answer. if he poo-poohs this that to me is a red flag. if he is open with you about how this all came about then perhaps it's worth listening to. if you don't like his response or intuitively feel he's not being square with you, i'd tell him it's time for family therapy. if he refuses, then i suggest you go anyway. you will need support to get thru this happening regardless of whether he did or didn't have an affair going.
once again i stress that this type of thing is a touchy issue with me...i could be barking up the wrong tree. i hope that is the case.
i hope your conversation with him goes well. i hope your suspicions are unfounded for both your sakes. 31 years of marraige is a lot of devoted time together. please let us know how you're doing. i care and hope you know u matter.
just noted bonaire suggested a come to jesus mtg. too!

[Pomegranate]

Hi Grammee,

Maybe, nothing did happen. But then why did he keep any of this a secret? Why not talk about this "new friendship" and show you the pictures and most importantly why did he have to set up a secret email address?

I agree with both what bonaire and madisgram have said, and like madisgram would find trust in this situation very difficult. Like she said, trust your intuition and feelings. If you aren't satisfied with his answers, I would get some professional help with this, and see if he will join you. But if he won't, I think you should go anyway. Good luck.

[Rhapsody]

An affair is one of the two things I have already told myself I will not forgive my husband for - with hitting me being the second.

YOU and YOU alone will have to decide if you are willing to forgive and work through the relationship issues or leave it be and end the marriage.. IF you find out that sexual activities did take place during the trip.

((( BIG HUGS )))

[grammee]

Originally Posted by Pomegranate

Hi Grammee,

Maybe, nothing did happen. But then why did he keep any of this a secret? Why not talk about this "new friendship" and show you the pictures and most importantly why did he have to set up a secret email address?

I agree with both what bonaire and madisgram have said, and like madisgram would find trust in this situation very difficult. Like she said, trust your intuition and feelings. If you aren't satisfied with his answers, I would get some professional help with this, and see if he will join you. But if he won't, I think you should go anyway. Good luck.

Thanks to all that responded, I am still investigating and will keep y'all posted

[salukigirl]

i must have missed something.....first off who is her? if he is open about it then prob nothing did happen but if he tries to hide it then id go a littler further. and also....what is meant by a come-to-jesus discussion?

[Rhapsody]

Her - is a lady from work that hubby took pics with while away on a business trip (found on home comp)

Secrets - hubby did try to hide his contact with her via a secret email he created

Jesus - not sure what that is all about ? ? ? ? ?

[salukigirl]

i must have missed the secret email part. you could look at it from 2 angles. either hes hiding it bc something is going on or hes hiding it bc there isnt anything going on and he thought if you saw it that you would worry unnecessarily. me being cynical of men, would of course go for the first one but i dont know your husband. it really depends on your level of trust with him.

[ihateit]

Originally Posted by bonaire

You kind of need to get to the intimate come-to-Jesus discussion with him and ask him "what's going on..."

In other threads, we have discussed affairs and other things along with the healing that is possible. However, maybe nothing did happen. If it's truly a friend and not something, ask who she is and if you could talk to her. Nothing wrong with talking to a friend. If he protects her to the point of not allowing that, then maybe something did happen.

I'll admit - I've had an affair, been through everything from counciling to separation to reconciliation and then a few years have gone by since. It's not easy now - nothing like it was before the affair. So, do your best to try to find out what happened, if anything, and if it did, you're best bet is marriage counseling before doing anything else.

There's an old saying... the Come-to-Jesus talk basically means, this is the big one, we're talking, you're answering, and if not, were done (in this case). I have only ever heard it used in work situations, but, it fits.

I can't say one way or the other what your husband has done, but, as Bonaire, I too have been through some things. We never separated, but for about a year after, things were a lot different. Now, 5 years later, everything is fine (in respect to me cheating/not cheating, and our relationship is that as of before the "event"). She knows why I did what I did, and also that I would never do it again. They key to all this was communication, as always.

Like Bon says, have the talk. I strongly recommend if something did happen, don't go off the deep end and just give up. If you need, get counseling, but get to the root. If he's willing to stop, and loves you, just..."something is/was missing" (I know what that means, I may not be clear?), you can work through it.

I hope all goes for the best and it's only a friendship, and he just didn't want to make you upset.

GL and God bless!