Life's Song - May Trigger Things -

<font color="blue"> Well I'm writing this at 2 am in the morning. I'm hoping that it 'isn't to personal for the sites, and that the mods don't delete it like they did my last post. Alot's been going on lately, and I'm really close to looosing it. Placing this here mostly because it is focused on my relationships....My father refuses to believe that I have anything wrong with me, not even depression. Although he is willing to take me to a therapist, my brother isn't much help either. My mother....she's interesting, but I don't think she quite understands either and recently, I've been very concerned about a friend of mine....and it doesn't seem I can help her in any way, that kills me. I want to help her....but I can't. Partly because she doesn't want my help, is pushing me away, and partially because I messed up and hurt her really bad. I feel terrible for doing that....but I can''t change the past.....it's hard for me to write, and I know I'm not making much sense, but I hope you all can follow...not looking for anything from posting this really.....just maybe, some advice....and maybe, some comfort. Cuz there is none at home and the girl whom referr to here told me I was being a martyr, which, after I thought about it was pretty true.....

I recently just went to the counselors office concerning this girl...I'm not sure if I did the right thing....

Probably be talking to her counselor tommorrow....

Am I being to persistant on trying to help her ?
I have an clingy problem where I cling to a person really strongly. So far, everyone whom I've clinged to has gone away...partially cuz I pushed them away, and partially because of other issues that just didn't work...

For instance....my ex bf, he cheated on me three times with another girl, told us both he loved us, and then left with that girl.....

Excedra...

This post is a mixture of relationship issues....and other things....

Every day it seems that I am walking in a dream, and not really here...and every day I am sad, even when I try not to be...

Meh....

Not sure what to say to T friday....not sure how to get myself help. People say I should get meds.....but would meds really help ???.....

Poem :

Dream walking
Seeing far...
A place unknown
Like the distant star
Gazing up at the blackness that engoulfs
My eyes wide
Lost within myself...

My life hasn't been that bad really .....so why do I feel this way ? Just a bunch of loneliness and little support from parents, a bit of abuse....but not much....sometimes, I don't think I'm qualifyed to feel like this....

I feel so lost. Torn from loosing that friend, from not being able to help, and from my own issues.....

So much junk....

Saw mom this weekend....she bought me many things. Learned about my past.....bout things I don't remember. Parently I had mood swings......threw things and denied it, and went into my room without talking for no reason. Also, I was suicidal when I was 7 or 8....

So weird....

My past seems foreign to me....

All the friendships I develope end up in codependancy....
I have the worst image of myself ever....cuz....my dad always calls us names.....and every time I tell my friends....or well, that girl in specific that I'm not sad....or everythings okay, she tells me I am sad....she's even called me a liar before....

She says I've called her many names....did I ? I don't remeber....I do remeber hitting her once....but that's it. I do know I hurt her real bad, being all clingy and not noticing her own emotions....and killing her even though she tried to care about me much....

Now she's in a bind. And I can't help......help not wanted. My fault, I guess.....

There's so much more then this....but....I don't know how to type it ....? I'm always sad....like she says. I'm not messed....like dad says. I'm not this and that....and what's up with boundaries and stuff ? Been readin on it....it's like telling you that friends are only to be used....to give you things that will make you better.....what's up with that ? It's not right.....

Do I have a right to be angry at my parents....and at that girl ? I did mess up yes....but I don't feel like I did anything extremely wrong.....and I reconize I messed up big time and hurt her and everyone else....isn't that worth something ...?

Do I have a right to be angry.....or should I just not be....????

In my mind I see the image of rotten cheese with holes in it, or sand paper but only the sand....like somethings missing. I'm not skitzo or psychotic, these are dreams....in my head. I wander why I see those things though. I also always see myself getting beaten or hurt....though nothing like that has ever truely happened to me....why do I see those things ....? I wander. So many questions....no answers....

Does anybody else feel this way....does anybody else see things like I do ? Lifes a dream to me....doesn't feel like I'm here. People tell me about things I don't remember. So depressed....Other people's situations and such effect me so greatly that I get sick from them.....clingy, codependance....never doin nothing right....bad......??........
.........

Well I don't know what else to say or write, though I do know there is just so much much much more that is bothering me right now....and I hope I put this in the right place, though it's about many things....the over all concept is.....

Did I do the right thing by going to the counselors office ? Is it bad that I worry so much about her and other people ? I feel bad for not being able to help, is that bad...? Do you reconize with me at all...? If so....can you please tell me about your own experiences so I don't feel so alone....your opinions....something...

Because these things are killin me inside. Dunno what to do....and close to giving up on everything.....

Yeah...

Hope this isn't to personal mods..

Thanks in advance everyone...

-walks off into her faded dream- </font>

(((((Tormented_Lilah))))) Your not alone in your feelings. Having depressed and conflicted feelings is all a part of the growing process. Adolescence is difficult because of all the emotions and uncertainities. Sorting them out can be a real challenge and take alot of hard work. Sometimes it seems like to daunting of a task especially if you are depressed. You could benefit from some medications. Only a t. or pdoc can know for sure. Good luck with school today and keep posting it may continue to help you sort out your feelings.

Unfortunatly....I think I may have more then just depression alone -.- thanks for the support !!

... I have so many things to say. But this is afterall a SUPPORT forum.

You'll get through just fine. You've done so in the past, am I right? You're a great deal stronger than you'll ever admit to.

~.~