Relationship, don't know what to do...

I had been dating a guy for about two months. His sister is a friend of mine in college, she was the one who actually asked me if I would go on a blind date with her brother. I had known her for about 2 years before she proposed this. She is really sweet and I thought why not. I asked her a little about her brother and he sounded pretty cool.

So we had been dating for a little over 2 months, and I really liked him as a person. He is a really nice guy but I was not attracted to him from the beginning. A couple of my friends said that sometimes it takes time for the attraction to happen, so I decided to keep seeing him and see what happens. Well after 2 months I decided I was just leading him on, that this attraction just was not going to happen.

We were not sexual with each other, just hugs and hand holding. He did try to kiss me once but I offered him my cheek. After that, if he did go to kiss me it would be a kiss on my cheek only.
Anyways, after 2 months I decided I can't keep leading him on, I just didn't think the attraction, chemistry whatever was going to take place.

In the back of my mind I wanted it to work because he is very stable, would be good to me, and would certainly financially be able to take care of a family. But I couldn't get past the attraction issue. So I finally emailed him my feelings and not wanting to persue the relationship. However, I didn't tell him it was because of attraction, just more that there is too much going on in my life ect. I ended it with the thought of being friends and hang out occasionally if he wanted to. So he just sent me this long email and now I don't know what to do. Any advice?????? Sorry this is so long...

Here is the email he sent....
########- I wanted to respond to this letter to let you know my thoughts as well. It’s a nice letter - just forgive me if my mind wanders. It’s from the heart so….

I must admit your email and decision came as a complete shock to me. I believed everything was fine with our relationship – but I should have talked to you about things more. I have always believed in good communication and I think we didn’t talk a lot about important things, like how we feel about each other and were this was headed. I think that is what bothers me the most about this; it’s the fact that we didn’t get the chance to really talk about things. I wanted to write back much sooner but I had to collect my thoughts and most important – I wanted to give you space.

I realized after reading your email that I didn’t grasp the full “weight” of the stress you are feeling. You are going through a lot of things right now. School coupled with your Mom passing must be very difficult to get through. I admire how tough you are and the drive that you have. Most people would have quit school if something like that happened. I guess I took that for granted – I didn’t think about it enough and how it was affecting you. School is even more important to you now and it is only going to get even crazier until you graduate. Again – I only wish we would have talked about it. Somehow we never did and that shocks me because I have always been a good communicator.

We spent a lot of GREAT time together and I loved every minute of it. The movies were fun to see with you and really – just spending time with you is what I really liked. Kooza was really awesome and I still find myself twirling around my kitchen pretending I’m that creepy trickster (as gay as that sounds…) J

I just wish we would have sat down and talked about things. I am pretty upset over the whole thing as you can imagine. I have thought about it over and over all week long and I miss you terribly. I was looking forward to hearing all about each day and how school and life was going. I know we only knew each other for two months or so, but I felt really close to you. I still do. I figured we would continue going on dates and getting to know each other more all while you were in school. I didn’t think that would cause too much stress - maybe you were stressed about money. Or maybe you thought I was getting too serious or going too fast. I can only speculate now even though you said it didn’t have anything to do with me.

This email may not be easy to follow and it may make you roll your eyes and wonder what the heck I am thinking, but it has a point. The point is I want to understand more about what you are going through and I want to be there for you no matter what. I do not want you to walk out of my life that easily. I’ve always had to fight really hard for everything I have in my life and maybe that’s why I am writing this email to you. The thought of having you just walk away from me rips my heart out. For you to just decide that it’s too hard for you makes me feel for you and it makes me want to help you. It makes me want to be there for you more than ever. I want to help you through this difficult time – if you want to be with me and make a go at it, I am here for you. My gut tells me you are soooo stressed out right now that you really got scared and didn’t see a way through it. I would love to talk to you again and work all this out.

I just want to be there for you no matter what you are going through. Please try and understand that. I can talk to you and we can work things out. If you need time to focus on school and you want space for a time – that’s fine. Honestly – the next two months are pretty crazy for me and I will be traveling to OH soon also. One final note – it’s difficult to convey feelings via email and I don’t want to come off sounding desperate or crazy. I would love to sit down and really learn more about each other and get a better sense of what we mean to each other and get to know you more.

P.S. I got those great seats to an O’s game coming up. It’s at the end of April. I would love to share a baseball game with you.

He seems like a nice decent guy. It sounds like it is hard for you to admit to him that you are not physically/romantically attracted to him. I can see that perhaps because he is nice you don't want to hurt his feelings. I don't know what your background is with past relationships or what type of person you are normally attracted to. Sometimes a person is fantastic but you just don't feel that special chemistry with them and so they become a friend. It is ok to tell him that you are not attracted to him in that way and that you wanted to be attracted to him but instead you feel close to him more like a friend. He may not like to know that at first but it is better in the end because it allows him to find someone who feels a mutual attraction with him.

I totally agree with Shelle...This guy is a nice guy, but you are not attracted to him and you kinda misleading him....honesty is the best thing ever....He might not like it, but at least you feel good about yourself not wasting his time....
I know exactly what you feel....I've been in your position so many times....When the guy was the perfect gentleman and everything was fine with him, but I didn't have the feelings for him....Then I can't kiss him at all and months can go without any sexual contact!!!!
Before, I was forcing myself to go out with the guy and giving him more chance as you know friends always suggest, but now I don't do that....It's not fair to the other person either....If I go out for couple of times and I don't see the chemistry there....Then I simply end it....
Also, one more thing....guys don't like rejection at all, so they get crazy when they get rejected......he even tells you in his email....
Be honest with him and tell him that you are not that attracted to him and you can just be his friend....although, I don't think the friendship will work at all, because he has feelings for you!
good luck
Marjan

Thanks you two,
What both of you had mentioned is exactly what I need to do. In the back of my mind I knew that but I hate to hurt people's feelings so I know it's going to be really hard for me to tell him that it's not going to work.

I have a hard time saying I am not attracted to you or there just is no chemistry, I feel like that will hurt him but in the same sense I can't pretend something is there when it is not.

Poor guy, he is a really great guy, and really sweet. I was wanting for it to work because he is all those other things that I need as a person, I felt safe with him. I knew he would be good to me ect. but if there is no attraction there just isn't.

I also wanted to be really careful as well, because I have a pattern of breaking off with guys when they get close. I have reasons for that that I am working on in therapy right now, but in this case I truly was not attracted from day one.

Thanks again for you advice!

I just sent him an email about there not being chemistry, of course there was alot more to it than that. I wanted him to know that he could not have done anything to change things. That it wasn't his fault.

I feel bad that it turned out this way, but also a bit of relief that It's not hanging over me.

I'm so happy that you had the courage to do that....I can imagine how difficult it can be....I'm in the same like you...If I don't feel the chemistry, I just ignore the guy....and that's bad, because he gets confused and he kept trying....
Honesty, I don't want anybody do that to me....I know it's so hard if somebody who I like tells me that he doesn't have chemistry for me, but it's better than not knowing it and thinking that one day you can get together....
take care