[salukigirl]

So my boyfriend and I have officially been dating for about 2.5 months, been friends for a little longer than that. We waited about 3 weeks into dating to have sex (we both wanted to get tested etc... beforehand) and talked/hung out for a couple weeks before officially going on a date. We both wanted to make sure that we could be friends first without getting involved.

So anyways, I felt like, and he agreed, that we had a very strong connection. We can talk about anything, we can have fun doing anything from going out to sitting around playing video games. So, for me, one of the "milestones" (maybe too strong of a word) is that point in a relationship when it stops being "sex" and starts being "making love". I'm sure most people have had that moment when you feel a really strong emotional connection with your partner and suddenly it turns into making love to one another y'know?

Well I'm starting to get to that point but it feels like he's keeping himself from getting there. A few years before me he had dated a girl, they lived together and everything. They went to Colorado one summer and she met a guy. Then when he came back to Illinois, she stayed in Colorado with her new beau, to whom she is now married.

He says all the time that I make him happier than anyone else and we've talked about whether he still misses her etc... because I understand that he's not the one who wanted it to end so I would get it if he still had some feelings for her. Which he says he doesn't have any at all. But I feel like he's kind of sending me mixed signals bc he's scared I'll do the same thing to him and I think I'm the first girl he's felt this way about since her so I'm sure it's scary for him.

But he'll say things to me about wanting to be with me etc... but then I'll say the same thing to him and it'll scare him. Like, after he says it, he regrets putting himself out there and being vulnerable.

And I understand that 2.5-3 months isn't a long time and that it's going to take a while to trust me, as will it take a while for me to trust him fully, but I was wondering if anyone had some ideas or advice as to how to open him up? I can tell that he's holding back and that makes me feel like he's not 100% in it. But I'm afraid that if I go to him and tell him that I know something's wrong it will either come across as an accusation, which i don't want, or he'll be embarrassed or feel like he's been "caught" at something, which I also don't want.

Is there anyway to go about this other than either just waiting forever until he does it himself, or blatantly coming out and saying that I know something's keeping him from being completely in it?

[Pomegranate]

Time and patience are the only "remedy" here. What you might do is set a time limit for yourself, what YOU can realistically deal with. How much time are you willing to give this relationship before you feel you have been as patient as is reasonable? After that you just have to tell him how you are feeling, see how he responds and make your decisions from there.

He may really just need more time, 3 months isn't much time at all. He may need some professional help to get him going on a path that leads to a healthy relationship. He may be hopeless. Only time will tell. Only you can decide how much time and PATIENCE you are willing to invest in this relationship.

[I_WMD]

Saluki ,, sounds as if you have a good start ,, [ considering how he may react , depending on how you phrase this ] ,

IMO , though ,,, I would try to use a bit of humor like an auctioneer ,, and do a convo like " I have a Wish to be My mans 100 % Woman ,, ,, Do I have a magic lamp and a Genie Granting 90 % of His Love to me ?? errrrrmmm ,, hehe ,, Do I have 100 % !!!! Of My Mans Love ?????

Then give him a quick Kiss ,, change subject ,, and as Pome said ,, " PATIENCE " .



WMD.

p.s. Nice seeing You Saluki .

[RomanSunburn]

Hey Saluki,
I haven't had as many relationships as you, and especially not as many serious ones, so I'm a lot less experienced with how guys think and act. But with my current boyfriend, we didn't even say "I love you" until four months in. I dont know if you guys are saying it? But that was when I realized we were actually.. together. And serious. And thats when I really began paying attention to how open we are with each other.

My boyfriend isn't very open, likes to keep things to himself, isn't chatty. Overall, he's pretty quiet and keeps all of his emotions inside. When I told him that I felt like he wasn't opening up to me, he was really suprised. He said to me, "I'm doing everything I know how. I tell you everything. I talk to you more than anyone else." So what I"m saying here is.. I agree with Pomegranate, that you might need to give him more time, and be patient. But on the otherhand, he may just be a quiet, keep it to himself type of guy. He might be doing everything he can to communicate with you, but on a subconscious level he's not really aware of he's afraid and holding back.

I hope you feel better soon!
I really enjoy reading your posts

Ro

[salukigirl]

Thanks everyone for your replies. I know that 2.5-3 months isn't very long, I guess I just don't even think about the length because it feels like it's been longer. Today he called me right as I got out of work...I mean I get out of work at 430 and he called me at 431 lol. And then he talked to me for about 15 minutes and probably would have stayed on the phone longer but I had to go to work (at my second job). Usually he's the type where he calls and we have a 30 second conversation - not much of a phone talker. So I was pretty surprised today when he was being a chatty kathy on the phone.

We are saying it to each other and he actually said it first. At first he was just drawing little hearts on my leg if we were sitting next to each other and little things like that but after only a few days of doing that he actually said it to me.

Ugh, who knows. Guys always say that women are so hard to figure out....I know I just need to be patient, I've just always been the one holding back so I'm not used to it being the other way around. I've always been the one who is never 100% into the relationship so it feels weird to be on the other end. I guess I just wanted to vent or tell someone how I was feeling. But I do know he cares about me so I'm sure we'll get there eventually.

Thanks to everyone for your replies!!!!