[Michah]

My son is 14 now and he is almost a stranger........I do not understand the language they use(when did the english language become such a pariah?), I cannot comprehend the struggles they face and I suffer strong contempt when my son tries to communicate with me. Grunts, "whatevers", cynicism, arguments over everything and basic disdain for all things family. Normal teenage behaviour, maybe.......but it terrifies me.

I had a horrible childhood and ended up in my first psychiatrists office at the tender age of 15. My parents were going through divorce because my mother fell in love with someone else and my parents 25 year marriage ended. I was a good student so I didn't rebel, I just folded in on myself. My headmaster was the one to bring it to my parents attention. Even the priest and nuns at my school tried to help me. I was head of the liturgical committee so I had a lot of contact with them. I had an abusive past with my mother and my father was oblivious so there was a lot more in play than just a divorce.

So I became a dysfunctional adult. Had my mother let me keep getting help at 15, I may not have suffered so much but she was terrified about the psych discovering "secrets" I am sure. And so she had it over me again and pulled me out of therapy. I went through years of dual dx mental illness and raised a son single handedly.

Now I look at my son and wonder, how have you suffered through all of this? My sons father committed suicide on Xmas day, 2008 and his mother has battled mental illness for years. Gosh, what hope does the child have? He is well, loves animals, has a good social conscious and does well at school(if we motivate him), he has good friends and laughs a lot.

But I am surrounded by children who shoot their class mates, take drugs, set themselves of fire and post it on You Tube, get into drunken brawls with the police, no less and have unsafe sex. I wonder, am I a parent that didn't see it coming? Why couldn't my son talk to me? Have I become so vigilant in my protection of him, my observations that I cannot let go for fear that he may suffer as i have done? I have broken the abuse cycle. I have never sworn at my son, called him stupid, told him that I should have had an abortion, hit him over the head with whatever was closest or locked him in a cupboard.

But is that enough? I know I did the best I could raising him in poverty and mentally ill, but I wonder if he is worn down. Sometimes his eyes just look plain contemptuous and empty when I talk to him. I have told him that if I or my partner cannot provide the support he needs, then a professional will be brought in. I do not want to frighten him because he is not mentally ill.........but i am frightened that if I just relax a little, he will be in hell before i can see it happening. Self-fulfiiling prophecy? maybe.

And so it goes round and round.........I shall see the answer soon enough. I just have to batten down the hatches, stick to my guns(which I have always been good at doing) and hold and comfort my son, mentally and physically even if he fights me and have the courage to step in when and if he needs it. I am sure he will hate me for it. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of his height and growing body and maturing face and I am breathless at his beauty. My beautiful, intelligent son. My baby in my arms as a toddler is now becoming a man and i am overwhelmed with pride. I look at him and wonder how I could create such majesty.

I only hope i can do his majesty justice.........

[PlanningtoLive]

Michah, that was beautiful. I can relate, as my son is 13 1/2 and I try so hard to keep abreast of things with him and keep the lines of communication open and strong.

He worries me no end, maybe not him, but what could happen as he grows. He is my beautiful child, my baby. You've put things in such perspective and made me appreciate him more.

Thank you.

Mary Alice

[skeeweeaka]

I thoroughly understand, I feel the same way and my dd just turned 13! However, my best friend is a perfect mother and she is going through the same thing with her dd 13... I think a lot of the rebellion is simply teenagers and puberty...we just have to stick to our guns as you said and hope and pray for the best!

Things will work out in the end!

Best Wishes,

TJ

[Stevie Oaksmith]

Just what you said Michah, do this:
hold and comfort my son, mentally and physically even if he fights me and have the courage to step in when and if he needs it. I am sure he will hate me for it. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of his height and growing body and maturing face and I am breathless at his beauty. My beautiful, intelligent son. My baby in my arms as a toddler is now becoming a man and i am overwhelmed with pride. I look at him and wonder how I could create such majesty.

I only hope i can do his majesty justice.........

Hold him, comfort him, tell him just what you said here, and tell him you love him to no end, spend time with him, get to know him, make him your priority. Children have a way of loving you back in special ways, you will find it fulfilling to and at the same time build a better relationship with him, then he will not feel so different. Try meeting him half way on the language thing, this is an ever changin society, in order to understand him you may have to expand your vocabulary.
I know you will be successful, you obviously love and care about him, just make sure he knows and feels it. Good luck and please let us know how it is going

[Am I crazy?]

Teenage years are worse than the terrible two's. You think as our childeren age that things will get easier - but it doesn't. My son is 17. They do change alot during the teenage years and they don't seem to want to communicate much. Everything one does as a parent seems embarassing for them. I know with my son he did put up barriers and want to shut people out.
Without trying to pry into their lives too much - as they need their privacy - it is good to try to find out things that they are 'into'. With my son it is computers and anime. He seems very willing to talk to me about the things he likes - and I make the time to listen to him (and appear interested) and even sit down with him and watch anime with him. It could be a certain type of music he listens to, or what sort of things they are doing at school that he is interested in. Say something that will get him talking to you. It is important to talk with him and reopen that communication. It is a matter of finding what will spark his conversation.
Let him know that you love him - sometimes I will just say to my son, " You are such a fantastic kid. I'm so lucky to have you. I love you so much," and give him a hug - even if he is 17. I do this when we are alone so no-one else can see (so as not to embarass him of course).

Hang in there, everything will work out OK I'm sure.

Lisa