[RonnieVae]

My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year and a half. He is incredibly sweet and sensitive (sometimes annoyingly so). However, I feel like I will never be able to fully trust him. By this, I am not talking about my fear of him cheating on me; rather it is the fear of being taken for granted. Before we were together, we met and became friends. He was dating someone else at the time, but our connection was strong. Him and his "girlfriend" barely talked, touched, or even got along. It was apparent that there was no interest between them and there was nothing to define their relationship other than the "boyfriend/girlfriend" title itself. Even so, he continued to "be with" her for the next year; yet at the same time whispering me things that were suggestive of him and I being more than just friends. At that time, everyone knew I was crazy about him and made fun of me, discouraged me, and ridiculed me for it while he stood safely under the facade of only liking me "as a friend". I had faith in him and was constantly let down. The only reason we are together now is because I had threatened to not talk to him anymore because it hurt me. He promised to be with me, and after more hiding and faking to please the crowd, did.

Since we've been together, he has been like an angel to me. Always supportive, caring, compassionate, accomodating, and everything I sensed in his true character since the day that I met him. Everyone is so supportive of our relationship. His family loves me, my family loves him, and no one has ever seen either of us this happy. Even so, I feel like the rocky start of our relationship made it so I would forever have this poison within it; the poison that makes me feel insignificant, unwanted, and unworthy - all those feelings I had felt before we were together. The feelings I felt after a year of guessing what I really meant to him.

I had long thought that I had let go of these feelings, but since moving 6 hours away to a university, they recur more often and I end up saying things to my boyfriend that completely undermine all the wonderful, caring things he has done for me. He has been so patient with me after all of the hurtful things I've said in lieu of my insecurities. This in itself should be enough to convince me of his love, but why can't I shake these feelings of insignificance? Of being taken for granted? It sometimes get so bad that I start crying during making love and then I get scared of the thought of intimacy. It's like a constant paranoia.

[gimmeice]

Hello RonnieVae, it's nice to meet you, welcome to psych central.
Have you tried talking to your boyfriend about how you feel? Maybe he could help you work through this.

[RonnieVae]

Yes, I have talked to him about this but he gets really defensive and is sensitive to guilt. He says that hes been trying his hardest to prove his love to me but it "never seems enough" and he doesn't know what to do.

[magz88]

I read that first paragraph and It's scary how similar we are with our boyfriends.

We met at work and ended up being friends, very good friends but we both were seeign someone else....kind of.

I had an actual boyfriend and he was messin around with his ex (very complicated, messy and confusing, him and his ex)

But, I eventually broke up with the bf and a month later we were together.

THE POINT: It's hard to feel like he's focused totally on you and not on his past. Relationships rarely go smoothly and everyone hits a rocky patch - it's just even harder when it's at the very beginning. If your bf is like mine he can be dumb and annoying but he wouldn't be with you if he didn't want to be.

Talk to him about your insecurities. First, write them down and figure out how you want to address them, be non-threatening. You are poisoned right now and you need to get rid of that. You already know your issues you just need to say them outloud

let me know how it goes! whatever you choose to do!

[RonnieVae]

I have talked to him and I know he does alot for me; I get treated like I believe every girl should in regards to respect, support and compassion. He asks me how he can shake those bad feelings of mine, but I honestly don't know what to tell him.

When we are together, those feelings usually tend to disappear, but now that we are in a long distance relationship, they seem to resurface very often.

PS: I have decided to stop taking my birth control pills. I've been on them, switching them around for 2 years and they seem to be alot more trouble than their worth (If I'm not getting horrible breakouts, I'm crying everyday/ getting scared to go out of my room!), especially since we use condoms anyways. I think that this course of action should help the bad feelings go away too.

[RonnieVae]

I'm hoping that things will work out for the best. I know long distance relationships always have their unnecessary conflicts and arguments amplified by the distance factor, but hopefully once I'm off my pill it will get better.

[RomanSunburn]

Hey RonnieVae

Welcome to PC! I'm very sorry to hear about the troubles you are having with your boyfriend. I am also in a long distance relationship and have several issues with insecurities myself, so I can understand what you are going through. The positive self-talk, saying to yourself that he is with you because he wants to be, and such sounds VERY corny. Trust me, I know. But it's true. Especially for long distance relationships. Those take more time, effort, energy, and understanding than close proximity relationships. I highly doubt that any boy would put up with a long distance relationship with a girl he wasn't crazy about. So, my best advice right now is to keep talking to him, letting him know whats on your mind. But, most importantly, talk to yourself!! Keep telling yourself that he WANTS to be with you, and that he cares about you. Eventually, you will begin to believe what you are actually saying.

Something that I find helps me when I am upset with my boyfriend, for whatever the reason, is to sit down and write, physically write out by hand, letters to him. I dont ever send him these letters, or even show or talk about them. I simply vent all my feelings and concerns. Once I get everything out on paper in front of me, I can reread them and begin to really think about my emotions. My emotions are valid -- everyone's are, emotions aren't controlable, but it helps me understand them, and it keeps me from saying things to my boyfriend before I've really thought about them. By addressing a fake letter to him, I still feel like I'm communicating with him, and it helps with the anxiety and stress.

So, I realize I'm rambling right now, and for some reason I can't help it, lol. I just feel for you. I understand that the past is a powerful tool that can often hurt us in the present if we let it. I let it get me all the time. I want you to know that you are not alone.

I hope you feel better; good luck with your medication!
Feel free to PM me anytime.
Best wishes,
Ro