[ambivalentlythere]

I don't really know what to say. I don't really know how to feel. I think this is just going to be a bunch of nonsense...just me getting things out. I had such a good day today. The weather was absolutely beautiful, I met up with a friend for a couple of hours and I felt so happy, so light, so wonderful. I wanted it to last forever, but we had to go our separate ways. For a few hours after I maintained this happiness. Those couple of hours mostly at the back of my mind. Now being online myself, I didn't expect to see him log on today, or at least not so soon. For a while now he would usually be the one to say hello first when one of us would log on and the other was on. So, today I wait, I wait and nothing. My heart is sinking. The first thoughts that come into my mind are, maybe I said something, maybe I did something, maybe he finally saw me for who I really am. Maybe he wants nothing more to do with me. I feel deserted, deserted!. I feel anxious. I feel hopeless. I feel beyond sad. All it took was a minute to go from feeling on top of the world to wanting nothing more than to crawl into a hole and die. I'm screaming inside my head, I want to cry. I feel so scared that he's throwing me away. I can't keep doing this. It's too much. I can't keep going through these feelings. Each time it happens it feels like I lose someone I deeply care about or love. It keeps happening, nearly every time. I just can't do this anymore, it's too painful and too hard. All it would take would be less than a minute of talking with him and I'd finally breathe again. It's so hard going back and forth and back and forth and back and forth. What on earth is wrong with me. Why do I keep going through this with people. Even with simple texting, if it's someone close who doesn't text back within a couple of hours I begin to question their feelings and thoughts toward me, and their safety. What else could make sense? Either their seriously injured and dying, dead, or they discarded me and purposefully forgot about me. I don't think I have anything else to say. I don't think there is more to say. I don't think there is a point in even trying...

No I guess I'm not done. I don't know what to feel. My brain won't pick. I keep going from not quite depressed and not quite angry. My thoughts are racing, my heart has sunken, and my feelings keep changing accordingly. I wish I could just pick one. Always discarded, deserted, abandoned, rejected, forgotten, erased. So now all I feel is that he doesn't care about me, I feel like he has erased me from his past, from his life, and from his mind. I wish I could erase myself too. I wish I could completely disappear.

[marjan]

Oh sweet heart....easy on yourself....why are you beating up yourself for something this much small?
I'm like you too...and when I read your thread, I felt for your sadness....I understand you totally....I used to be like you more when I was younger....You see black and white....llife is not black and white....He didn't ignore you, he's a human being with needs as well...probably, he wasn't at his desk at that time, probably, he had a guest over or he got an important phone call right away....all these possible....and non of them related to you....
You have to sick happiness within yourself rather than trying to get approval from somebody else....
I've been like you and I can even admit that I'm like you now too....but less, much less....who cares if he didn't start chatting with you online? that's not that important really....that doesn't show if he wants you or not....life will carry on....don't be harsh on yourself.....
For me, meditation and exercise work very well....I feel I'm gaining my energy back and I get stronger....but of course I do have one of those days that I cry and I come here and write and people answer me and confront me....we are all human beings and we are trying to know each other better....but you can't force love....
"Love is an untamed force. When we try to control it, it destroys un. When we try to imprision it, it enslaves us. When we try to understand it, it leaves us feeling lost and confused." From the book "The Zahir" from "Paulo Coelho"

take care
Marjan

Originally Posted by ambivalentlythere

I don't really know what to say. I don't really know how to feel. I think this is just going to be a bunch of nonsense...just me getting things out. I had such a good day today. The weather was absolutely beautiful, I met up with a friend for a couple of hours and I felt so happy, so light, so wonderful. I wanted it to last forever, but we had to go our separate ways. For a few hours after I maintained this happiness. Those couple of hours mostly at the back of my mind. Now being online myself, I didn't expect to see him log on today, or at least not so soon. For a while now he would usually be the one to say hello first when one of us would log on and the other was on. So, today I wait, I wait and nothing. My heart is sinking. The first thoughts that come into my mind are, maybe I said something, maybe I did something, maybe he finally saw me for who I really am. Maybe he wants nothing more to do with me. I feel deserted, deserted!. I feel anxious. I feel hopeless. I feel beyond sad. All it took was a minute to go from feeling on top of the world to wanting nothing more than to crawl into a hole and die. I'm screaming inside my head, I want to cry. I feel so scared that he's throwing me away. I can't keep doing this. It's too much. I can't keep going through these feelings. Each time it happens it feels like I lose someone I deeply care about or love. It keeps happening, nearly every time. I just can't do this anymore, it's too painful and too hard. All it would take would be less than a minute of talking with him and I'd finally breathe again. It's so hard going back and forth and back and forth and back and forth. What on earth is wrong with me. Why do I keep going through this with people. Even with simple texting, if it's someone close who doesn't text back within a couple of hours I begin to question their feelings and thoughts toward me, and their safety. What else could make sense? Either their seriously injured and dying, dead, or they discarded me and purposefully forgot about me. I don't think I have anything else to say. I don't think there is more to say. I don't think there is a point in even trying...

No I guess I'm not done. I don't know what to feel. My brain won't pick. I keep going from not quite depressed and not quite angry. My thoughts are racing, my heart has sunken, and my feelings keep changing accordingly. I wish I could just pick one. Always discarded, deserted, abandoned, rejected, forgotten, erased. So now all I feel is that he doesn't care about me, I feel like he has erased me from his past, from his life, and from his mind. I wish I could erase myself too. I wish I could completely disappear.

[Shelbeth]

Did you think that maybe HE was waiting to see if you would take the innitiative and say hello first? Maybe he's feeling the same way you are now. I'm a guy and I know how guys think. We like the thrill of the case, and we also want our other person to take some action also. Next time, instead of assuming that he didn't say hello first, that maybe, just maybe, he iss waiting for you to say hello first.

[Shelbeth]

Why don't you try and say hello first? See what happens. Sometimes you'll suprise yourself.

Here's a famous quote:

"Insanity is truly defined as doing the same things over and over again, expecting different results"

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by ambivalentlythere

I don't really know how to feel.

Hmmmm... what are the choices? Is there any way you can feel besides however you do feel?

Originally Posted by ambivalentlythere

The first thoughts that come into my mind are, maybe I said something, maybe I did something, maybe he finally saw me for who I really am.

OK -- and it's certainly worth noticing that that's what you find yourself thinking.

Now obviously, neither of us has any way of knowing what he's been thinking during all this -- unless he happens to tell us, of course. Wouldn't it be a riot, though, if it turned out that he was afraid you weren't going to like him any more -- and that he didn't say anything to you online because he was waiting for you to show him (in some way) that it was OK to? Like... maybe he was afraid you'd finally seen him for who he really was or something? We don't really know whether any of this is so, of course -- but as long as we're making stuff up anyway, why not make up stuff that we enjoy?

I'm not saying that I actually have, or ever had, self-esteem issues but it's not that hard to imagine that, at a certain time in my life, I might have felt most comfortable around someone who was worried about what I'd think of them -- because that just might keep them from noticing some of the stuff that I was afraid might turn out to be wrong with me.

So I'd say there's a possibility -- no guarantee, but a definite possibility -- that you were both waiting for each other to reassure you that you were OK, and that when neither of you made the first move, each of you feared that it meant you weren't OK. I think that's called "crossed signals" or something.

[marjan]

Originally Posted by Shelbeth

Why don't you try and say hello first? See what happens. Sometimes you'll suprise yourself.

Here's a famous quote:

"Insanity is truly defined as doing the same things over and over again, expecting different results"

This is a great quote...I'm doing the samething over and over in the relationships and it doesn't work and then I repeat it again with another guy and it doesn't work....stupid of me....but hard to change the old habits....
Thaks for the quote

[ambivalentlythere]

Thank you Marjan for your reply. I always feel so crazy when this happens and it's so draining. I know it's totally irrational of me too and I don't really know how to deal with it, but I know you're right, it's just trying to remember those things while something like this is happening feels like next to impossible. It's nice that someone can relate, but I am sorry for you that you went through it and still are to a degree. I'm also really glad it's gotten better for you

Shelbeth lol nope truthfully I never thought of that. I think that would just completely go against what I think of myself. I honstly don't know why anyone would waste their time on me in any way, and I'm convinced that sooner or later everyone will see me for who I am and erase me from their lives. Again, I guess from a detached point of view this is highly irrational, but it's how I feel. I will really try to keep what you said here in mind though.

Thank you both so much for taking the time to read this and reply, it's greatly appreciated