[dm010504]

Right now i am a young mother of two, I have a 2 year old and three month old, I work full time. This is my day....I get up at 8 in the morning and get my children ready for the babysitter. I feed them and bathe them and dress them. I then get ready for work that I have to be at by ten thirty. If I have any spare time in those two hours before work I take care of bill and business or I spend a little time to clean the house which always seems to be messy and I hate mess. I then go to work and work until seven at night. I then come home and I have to do laundry and clean and make dinner and get my children ready for bed. And then I try to be in bed by ten or eleven. I then get up with my baby at least three times a night to feed her and take care of her. This is my work week. Now my husband work about 35 hours a week, he wakes up just in time to go to work and then he comes home and does NOTHING!!!!!!!!! I ask him several time to do simple things, like dishes or take out the trash, or to just watch the kids so I can do these thing, because I really hate a messy home. And if I can finally get him to help, he complains about how he is so tired from working, and blah, blah, blah. And right now all I can think "Hello, do you think I am just sitting on my butt doing nothing?" I am feeling used and abused. And what make the matters worse we also have family living with us. My brother and sister in laws, neither one of them work and I come home at night and nothing is ever done. I feel like I am expect to bring home the bacon (as I make twice what my husband does) and fry it up and clean up after. This is not fair, and I don't mean to sound like I am whining. And when I try to tell my husband how I am feeling he turn it into a fight because he feels like I am telling him everything he does wrong. I took last saturday and clean my entire house. I have a home that has three bedroom, a sitting room, a living room, a bathroom, and a kitchen, and they are huge room. I watched my kids plus my sister in laws baby and in three hours I clean the whole house (minus the in laws room) and did two loads of laundry while watching three kids all under the age of 3. Now if one person can do all this you would think that the two adults who are staying home would be able to keep the house clean right? But it does not, and I have to do it all. I am really feeling used and tired, what do I do?

[ArianeB]

Hey there,

I'm sorry to hear that you're having to work so hard! I can definitely see how you are feeling taken advantage of. This might be cheesy, and maybe something I'm suggesting because I'm still in the college/roommate phase, but often when there's an imbalance in cleaning it's really good to set out a checklist of chores for the week and assign people to do each one. If you have 4 adults there, this can greatly cut down on individual work. Then when you notice something messy, you'll have one person to talk to about it without seeming like you're trying to make them clean the whole house!

And again, I'm sorry to hear that you having so much labour! Having a baby I'm sure is work enough.

[reach]

Well, yes I agree totally it's really unfair. What I will do is

No. 1 - stop doing whatever that is not of your own immediate family, take care of your own stuff first.
No. 2 - hold a meeting with all adults in your house, tell them all you said here or more and how tired you are.
No.3 - get them to agree to a fair shared chore schedule
no.4 - type out what's agreed, show it to them and put it on the fridge.
no. 5 - make sure the agreement is follow through

If a compromised agreement cannot be reached, you could then take the next step. If you don't know what next step, you could always come back here for advice.

It is very important to stand firmly on your ground if you don't want people to use or abuse you. No body could if you don't let them.

Hope this is helpful. All the best!

[Capp]

dm, hi!

The advice given by ArianeB and reach is spot on and I hope you follow through with it.

It's up to you to set boundaries and make sure they are honored/respected...
When you do so much the others will come to expect it. Quite honestly, why would they do anything when they know you'll end up doing it?
Your brother and sil are taking advantage of you in many ways. It's time to put a stop to it.

Saying clearing what you want--not expect--them to do and being firm about it might be your first step. They are living in your home and should be contributing to household chores and anything else you feel needs to be done.
They are grownups and you are not their maid...

Sometimes husbands can be the same way--expect the wife to do it all. Calmly discuss it with him, what you need for him to do...he may have "forgotten" that he has responsibilities to you and the children. Both of you are working outside the home, both of you should be working inside the home also.

Peace,
Cap

[blue cloud]

I add my voice to reach
but I think It will be hard for your husband to share as you wish because he used to do nothing
So I think you should have a plan let him begin with easy things and let him do his own things
you need to be patient ,calm and tolerant

I hope reach's advice will help

[lynn P.]

Hi DM,
or should I call you Superwoman LOL. You have an overwhelming load that you definately need help with. Reach gave some great advice. But Blue Cloud also had a good point, that it has to be done firmly and gently so you don't appear like you're just a big crab. Children combined with a full work load can put a big strain on a marriage. You certainly should be delegating chores.
I would recommend, since you have inlaws in the house, that you and your husband go on a date night so you can re-connect. When you are out, don't talk about any thing stressfull, just enjoy yourselves. Best of luck, slow down and take time for you.

[dm010504]

Thanks everyone for you advice, I actually had a meltdown the other day, my husband came and talked with me and I told him that I can't continue to do it all and that I need his help. I also told him my concerns about the in laws and he spoke to them. Today they are cleaning with me and we are getting things ready for the week. I just hope this lasts and it's not just being done because I said something. Thanks all

[sleeplessgirl]

Glad to see that you resolved some of the issues that you were dealing with because I was about to add a few things of my own after reading your heartbreaking post. So good luck.

[rappacinisgarden]

Dm, I think you are on the right track, just keep it up! You deserve some rest and care also. and don't worry about your inlaws... They should have, in first place offered help from the start, it's a matter of education and help. If you find yourself again in a tight spot don't hesitate to start over again in telling other people what you need. You will get used to talking to them. It's ok for you to want your home in order. I get crazy also if I find things out of place or untidy, specially when you have small children that demand a certain order in life. Rap