Soooo ANGRY with family!!! (LONG)

All through my childhood and adulthood, I have played the caretaker role for my Mother. She is in her 50's and chooses not to take care of herself very well. She is disabled due to osteoarthritis, but has been told by her doctor that she can work part time as long as she can take it easy when she's not working.

She refuses to work!! She refuses to support herself!! But, she does state that she can Volunteer at places like animal shelters and stuff a couple days a week. My thinking is, if you can volunteer, why can't you get a part time job where you only work 3-4 hours a day, a few days a week?

I was hospitalized in 2007 for my depression and PTSD. She said she was going to come stay with me for a little while after I was discharged. Her husband, at the time, wasn't thrilled with this idea, but she came anyway. Over the course of 1 month of her staying with me, her and her husband decided to get divorced because, supposedly, he couldn't take all my mother's problems and all of my problems. Mom decided not to return home and decided that she would just live with me. Mom said she was going to get a job and pay a little rent to help me out with the finances as I was struggling with being ill a lot and missing work.

I was able to buy a house. I was nervous because I would have to rely on Mom's rent to help pay the mortgage. I wanted to give her a nice house to live in where she could be comfortable and have a garden and just be at peace. She said, "do it, I'll pay rent, I promise, I know I need to do that." So, I did...ultimately she refused to get a job and out of a whole year, only gave me about three months rent because her ex wasn't paying her spousal support. I let this go as long as I could and finally I told her that she needed to start contributing financially or she needed to get her own place. I know this sounds mean probably, but all she would do was sit around all day and watch TV or sleep. She herself was depressed and refused to get help. I had my own mental health issues and I couldn't take the resentment and anger I felt everytime I'd come home from working a 12 hour shift on my feet and she would have her feet up staring at the TV.

So what did she do....She bailed. She ditched her animals on me and literally left my house, called my uncle and he bought her a plane ticket to California and she was back in Cali by that evening. She left all her stuff...everything. She left me holding the bag with my mortgage which has helped me into forclosure on my home.

She came back about a month later with two of my uncles. They wouldn't even talk to me. One of my Uncles wouldn't even enter my house. Finally, my one Uncle started screaming at me and becoming very verbally abusive and I told him he had to leave. I was bawling and I felt like I was being abandoned by everyone. This all took place on Valentines Day of 2008. Since then, my mother has been living with her mother, rent free and the entire family is enabling her to just sit around on her butt and not take care of herself. She told me that she was going to get a car and a job, and she was going to get her medical issues sorted out...well, she's been there a year and no car, no job, and still hasn't been to the Dr's.

Fast forward to this last weekend. My Uncle rented a million dollar home in Palm Springs over the weekend so my entire family could get together for the weekend and have a mini vacation. I was invited, but didn't go because it felt too overwhelming and I didn't want to be stuck in the middle of nowhere with my family and have bad stuff go down and no way to escape. I really did want to be there though.

Anyway...I called my Mom tonight to see how the weekend went and she said..."well, I was going to call you over the weekend, but I had a little event and I was just kind of out of it all weekend." I was like....what kind of "little event?" She proceeds to tell me that while she was just about to blow up an arm floaty for my cousin so he could go swimming, she took a breath and then passed out cold, falling onto the floor, hard, and bruising the entire left side of her body. She then states that she thinks she was only out for about a minute and she tried to wake up and felt herself passing out again, but she forced herself to wake up. She states she tried to stand up, but her legs wouldn't hold her, and she passed out again, falling face first onto the sandstone floor. She says she sat there on the floor calling for help for about 5 minutes, but no one heard her because she couldn't call out that loudly. When my uncles did find her, they sat her up in a chair and asked her what happened. She explained what she remembered. It was then noted that she was developing a large bruise on her lip, and it was swelling. At some point, she had bit her lip.

Why am I soooo ANGRY? Because my family did NOTHING!!! For all they know, she could have had a stroke, or a heart arrhythmia, or a seizure. She told them not to make a big deal out of it and they didn't. They should have called 911 and had her evaluated in the ER.

They are supposed to be taking care of her. Lord knows she doesn't take care of herself. They know better!!! I'm so pissed right now. I told my Mom that if she wasn't going to take care of herself, and I couldn't trust the rest of the family to take care of her and look out for her best interest, then she might as well move back up to Oregon and let me do it!

But....she's 55!! She should be taking care of herself. I don't want to HAVE to take care of her yet. She needs to be living her life. I'm so afraid she's going to die one of these days and no one is going to call me.

Okay...I'll stop with the ranting...

I'm just very frustrated!!!!

((((((Elysium))))))
What a hard time for you! You have every right to feel angry and frustrated with your family. If I was in your situation i would feel angry that noone told me about my mum.
I have needed to care for my mum before and it takes a lot of strength and hard work. You sound like you really worry alot about your family and i was just wondering if you can or have talked to your family?
hugs

Hi there,
I can see why you are so angry. I would be too, put in your position.
I think your mum has been putting you in a difficult position. I agree with you, she should be able to look after herself. She is playing the "helpless me" part. She sounds a bit manipulative to me. The difficult thing is that she is still your mum. They have a way of making you feel guilty no matter what you do. I can see that you really do care for her, even though she has been making things hard for you. Your uncles etc don't seem to be very helpful either. Relatives - you cant choose them....
I would be careful to take her back with you. Is this really what you want? You have a life too. I don't want to sound cold, but you should think about yourself sometimes too. What was your mum doing at your age? Was she looking after her mum, or living her life?

Lisa