[genocya]

Look, i'm in love with my psychiatrist since 2012, but i got a pause with him because of financial problems: june, 2013 to september, 2014. I'm in love again, but, deep inside me, i've always been in love with him. I met him with 15, and he is recentely with 37, and i'm 18 now.

PHYSICAL CONTACT: He is not the kind of doctor that is ''don't touch me and i will not touch you, no physical contact''. He is kind, loving, patient, funny and sweet. He hand-shake, accept hugs and i think he hugged me one time, i don't remember. Oh, and he ask me sometimes when the session is over if he can kiss me on the cheek, and i accept, always. And hand-above-hand in a friendly care. There were times that he give me fly-kiss when the session over.

TRANSFERENCE: He was always wonderful to me. I think he may see me as some kind of daughter to him, paternal care, i guess. He demonstrate some care since 2012 to me. And we were getting closer, intimate and we have informal conversations with swears (like friends, you know). He likes the same bands as me and we have others same interests and we talk about that too, like always. About financial problems, he was really gentle and patient. One time, i couldn't be with him more because of these problems and he said to me: ''you can't be without mental support. Come here when you want''. And in the last session he met my boyfriend and said: thank you so much, i'm happy, because you showed me that you trust me. And when i say: ''Hey, look, i don't have money now, but...'' and he just smiled and said: ''okay, don't worry, come with me''. And i gave his payment another day.

Sometimes i like to be cared in some kind of paternal care, but i hate that! my dad died on 2012, i think in the same month i met my doctor. But i'm love with him, i have romantically and erotic transference.

I'm so scared to lose him, he get mad at me, angry and give up because of me and my feelings! i don't want to lose him, i don't want to end my treatment with him because of this case of transference, and he will not want to see me anymore and will think that it will be better if i go to another doctor.

[jelly-bean]

It doesn't sound to me like your T is behaving in a professional manner at your sessions. I don't think you can get the full benefit from the sessions feeling the way you do. You know it is transference and you know it isn't right. You need to find another therapist who can really help you get into a healthier state of mind. Good Luck sweetie!

[genocya]

Why you think this is not a professional manner?

[Petra5ed]

Hi and welcome Genocya, I think you will find a lot of us feel the same way you do. A good place to start is to be honest with your therapist, sometimes talking through it can help you feel less obsessed.

I'm not sure what the culture is like in Brazil, but kissing on the cheek might be normal there. Therapy should just never be sexual, because therapists have a lot of power to be seductive and take advantage of clients if they choose to.

[genocya]

Yes, this is pretty normal here, but he always ask me if i would accept

[Lauliza]

I think some of his behavior is inappropriate but not necessarily a violation. Blowing a kiss is odd and the glances ar concerning but without being there and seeing things in context its hard to tell. Perceptions can be skewed when you are attracted to someone. however, if you feel like your attraction is affecting your life outside therapy I would consider seeing someone else- preferably a female.

[genocya]

This would suggest some kind of feeling towards me or it's just inappropriate?

Probably neither. His feeling are probably just friendly; sounds like he's just a generally caring person and is expressive about it I'm guessing to most people. You are, through your transference, probably making it out to be much more than it really is.

[genocya]

How can i say my feelings to him without worse my case and our relationship?

[Soccer mom]

Does he know about your feelings towards him? If he did, he should have stricter boundaries until you get through it. I'm not sure you are really in love with him but I'm sure it feels that way. As someone once told me, my ET makes me feel like I want to "be" with my T. but intellectually I don't. It can be very confusing. All of those feelings probably have something to do with your dad's death. Mine are related to my mom's and everything she didn't give me that I now want out of my T.

I think the best thing to do is to tell him your feelings. I felt like you did - in love with my T. but they are a lot less now since we have discussed them. And, it's not quite fair to him NOT to tell him because he will need to adjust his style a little to help you through it. My T. and I used to text often and she had to stop doing that because I was getting upset when she wouldn't get back to me and seeing it as pushing me away (mom issues).

In the end, it would be better even if he refers you to someone else. I was so miserable outside of my sessions I finally decided that if she couldn't handle it, then she wasn't the right T. for me.

Try to look at what you want from him, what you love about him and see how it might relate to your relationship with your dad and your childhood.

[genocya]

Probably not, i guess...

But i don't want him to change his behaviour with me, i want him to continues to have this behaviour. It would kill me and worse my transference and my depression and it would makes me distrusting him more and more, in a point that i would hate him and cry. I just want to tell him and know the origin of these feelings and how to handle that for my future relationships and my visions towards people.

[Lauliza]

He's done nothing to show romantic feelings really, just caring and concern. In the US a kiss on the cheek or long glances can be interpreted as flirtation, and flirtation carries more meaning for some people than others. I know that in many other countries it's not, however, so when we read your post it sounds flirty, but in reality it's probably not. I suggested a female because as a female yourself, you might naturally be less likely to read into the body language and other behavior like you would with a man.

[genocya]

I woud like some suggestions on how i can talk to him about my transference since 2012 with him and how i don't want him to change his behaviour with me

[WrkNPrgress]

What do you need from him? Perhaps just start with that explanation. You want to talk to him about something but you're afraid it might alter his perception and behavior towards you. You're afraid that he might change his behavior, or think less of you ( enter your own wors here, I'm just guessing.)

You might also examine what you expect and/or fear to happen.

[genocya]

I just want him to continues with his friendly behaviour towards me. I don't want him to change his behaviour from friendly to more cold, less caring, less smiling etc. Because it would worse my paranoia and my angry issues towards people and my treatment. But i don't know how to start talking about that with him.

[Ididitmyway]

It's interesting how people believe that only overtly sexual behavior with clients is harmful, but acting like a client's best friend is ok and cannot possibly lead to harm.

Well, guess what? It harmed me. My last therapist acted like my best buddy and while it felt awesome for some time, just like OP is feeling right now, it ended badly. It completely confused me about the nature of our relationship, it was exploitative on my therapist's part because instead of doing the work he was getting his own emotional needs met. And finally, he refused to take any responsibility for screwing up.

When a therapist behaves like a friend or a cool "daddy", he sets up unrealistic expectations that he won't be able to fulfill because he is NOT a friend or a daddy. And when the client finally realizes that this is not what they were hoping for, they get traumatized badly, they get worse than before the therapy started.

Take it from someone who's "been there, done that". There is a lot of deceptions and illusions, smoke and mirrors around the concepts like "intimacy" and "caring" when they apply to therapy. People often get confused about what kind of caring is and isn't appropriate in the therapist-patient relationship and get hurt as a result of this confusion.

[genocya]

I see. But what do you think about this situation since 2012 and for the future of our relationship as patient and doctor? I don't know his opinion and feelings towards me, i just know his actions towards me.

[Ididitmyway]

Originally Posted by genocya

I see. But what do you think about this situation since 2012 and for the future of our relationship as patient and doctor? I don't know his opinion and feelings towards me, i just know his actions towards me.

Well, I don't know all the specifics of what's going on in your sessions so I want to be careful not to make predictions and not to give definitive answers, but from your general description it sounds to me that there is too much familiarity in your relationship for him to work with you on your healing.

It sounds like he himself gets something out of the interactions he has with you instead of doing the work he is supposed to be doing. And that is worrisome to me, because if he is trying to get his emotional needs met when in session, he is exploiting you and his position as a therapist, even though it doesn't feel like it to you at the moment.

For now you are enjoying the interactions, but you know that a part of you wants more from him and you don't know if your desire will ever be fulfilled because you don't know if he feels the same way about you.

Regardless of how he feels about you, this is not a good scenario. If you put your infatuation with him and your dreams about him aside and think rationally for a moment, it's not hard to see that this is not the situation with the potential happy ending. I just don't see how the happy ending can come out of this. One doesn't need a crystal ball to understand it.

[genocya]

''It sounds like he himself gets something out of the interactions he has with you instead of doing the work he is supposed to be doing. And that is worrisome to me, because if he is trying to get his emotional needs met when in session, he is exploiting you and his position as a therapist, even though it doesn't feel like it to you at the moment. ''

I don't understand this phrase, emotional needs?

[Ididitmyway]

Well, "emotional needs" means anything we need emotionally, just like physical needs means anything we need physically. For instance, the need to eat is a physical need. The needs to be loved, accepted and recognized by others are emotional needs. These are just a few examples. I have no idea what specific needs your therapist is trying to fulfill in his relationship with you. I gave some examples just to explain the idea.

[jane77]

Originally Posted by Ididitmyway

It's interesting how people believe that only overtly sexual behavior with clients is harmful, but acting like a client's best friend is ok and cannot possibly lead to harm.

Well, guess what? It harmed me. My last therapist acted like my best buddy and while it felt awesome for some time, just like OP is feeling right now, it ended badly. It completely confused me about the nature of our relationship, it was exploitative on my therapist's part because instead of doing the work he was getting his own emotional needs met. And finally, he refused to take any responsibility for screwing up.

When a therapist behaves like a friend or a cool "daddy", he sets up unrealistic expectations that he won't be able to fulfill because he is NOT a friend or a daddy. And when the client finally realizes that this is not what they were hoping for, they get traumatized badly, they get worse than before the therapy started.

Take it from someone who's "been there, done that". There is a lot of deceptions and illusions, smoke and mirrors around the concepts like "intimacy" and "caring" when they apply to therapy. People often get confused about what kind of caring is and isn't appropriate in the therapist-patient relationship and get hurt as a result of this confusion.

Precisely. My shrink said I could be his little girl (I asked, he answered affirmatively). When I terminated I was depressed for weeks and it has recently returned. Just because we didn't have sex (although I believe he sexualized, perhaps inadvertently, aspects of the relationship), doesn't mean it wasn't incredibly damanging. And, in my opinion at least in hindsight, incredibly unprofessional.

[genocya]

I think it's a bit different from your past experience from mine, but i don't know. I just don't know how to tell him and START TO TELL HIM WITH GOOD WORDS what i feel for him and all this erotic transference and romantically. I'm really scared and my boyfriend just tell me ''oh c'mon go on, this is ****ing normal'' but... it's like a confession, right? it's a confession and i'm terrible at confessions, especially with romantical confessions. I cannot tell him ''Ok, i don't love you, well, i feel like i'm love with you and maybe i am, but i don't know, this is really confusing. Oh, and did i tell you about it? i masturbate to you since 2012 and i fantasize A LOT about you and me with sexual encounters and sometimes romantical encounters, but especially erotic. I know you feel disgusted about that, but whay can i do? i think you're attractive and a nice guy and idk, i just fall in love with you, ok? sorry about the mess, doctor''

it's really difficult to me. really. i just want help. AND I WILL HAVE MY NEXT SESSION NEXT WEEK AND I JUST WANT TO TELL HIM ABOUT MY FEELINGS!
but i don't know how i can start talking about my transference.

[WrkNPrgress]

genocya, i know how it is when your mind is telling yourself how shameful something is. We can work ourselves up so much. We can't imagine any future beyond the worse case scenario so we're stumped.

But maybe just start by asking yourself, 'what if I tell him ... and it's okay?'

Just start there. Envision that you're T is fine with it. Envsion that the conversation goes well and you might even feel better for it.

Just ask yourself, 'What if everything is fine? What if I'm okay?'

[genocya]

But how can i start the conversation with him?

[WrkNPrgress]

Have you tried writing it down? You could let him read it.