He dumped me

Hi all,

Don't threat, I am not staying. I just wanted to say thank you to Strawberry and Lana. And Lana, that is terrible! I really do feel for you and agree with you both. Lana, I hope that you eventually find the peace you deserve. And I also hope you have an ethical T now that is guiding you through this. big big hugs to you and thank you for sharing <3

Hi Allme. Wishing you peace and wellness always. May your journey open up the world of "I can". Its a very empower place to attach yourself. Even when you think you can't, declaring that you can is a powerful way to build the heartfelt confidence that you 'can' do what you thought you couldn't. That you really can make healthy choices. That you really can do what you know instead of submitted to what you feel. Our feelings flip flop but our knowing, once we know that we know doesn't flip flop and we don't have to go through the hell it creates in our lives.

It has taken me a long time to admit to myself that I was giving over my happiness to forces outside of myself. Even when I quit looking to people to help me the need to be rescued remained an unspoken simmering burn in my heart. When I finally came to the place where I could see my own role in nurturing healthy relationships; When I could face my own guilts and acknowledge my need to reach out and trust someone again is when my vision started to clear.

I have not arrived 'yet' but I feel like I am getting closer and closer to knowing me and know how to deal with the flip flop of my emotions and desires. Learning to meditate, learning to be honest with myself, learning how my bi-polar symptoms play out in actions. More and more I am able to recognize the signs that my thinking and feelings are off balance. More and more I catching myself when I start looking to indulge a craving in ways that could get me into trouble. As real as the thoughts and feelings are and as enticing and inviting as they may be they are off balance.

I know now that when my moods go extreme I can't trust my own mind or feelings. I have to turn to those skills I have developed over these past years to take the controls. To say 'HALT you are listening to the wrong voices. Get yourself back'. I am learning to turn quickly to my new skills. Because I am starting to exercise these skills consistantly, and because I have experiences to prove their effectiveness the more willing and able I am to turn things around; To turn away from the dis-empowering emotional craving and turn towards my own power to find some peace of mind and spirit.

I am feeling more and more empowered as I again and again succeed in turning things around in my head and leveling my emotions. I don't always succeed without a meltdown but the meltdowns don't last for days and weeks anymore. I bounce back closer to balanced more quickly and less painfully.

We can't blame our illness for our behaviour even though our illness affects our behaviour. We are still faced with the knowledge that the behaviours are distructive to us. The illness means we have to travel through a maze of obsticles but none of those obsticles have the power to stop us unless we give it over.

I am just rambling outloud hoping something of my experiences will give you the courage and faith to believe you can drive your own train through life.

I haven't been able to hook up with a T either. I have walked this road alone just as I have walked through my whole life alone. I still struggle with myself to not automatically assume the same recentful and angry positions I always have taken. "What is wrong with me that no one ever ever helps me with anything."EVER, NEVER, EVER!" "Poor me, bad them, to hell with everything and everyone. I am done. I give up. No body is every going to be there so I am going back into my hell-hole where they can't hurt me anymore. I am going back to self distruct mode. That will teach them!!"

I am slowly finding my way out and I am letting people get closer to me but I am still struggling with the temptation to blame them whenever I decide that they fail me. I now see how unfair I have been, how immature my thinking has been and that I can't go on blaming them and letting myself get sicker and sicker as though some part of me was proving a point or trying to punish myself and anyone else in my life who 'has let me down'. I wonder how many people I have let down while I have locked myself into a righteous and justified pity parties?

I wish the same renewed empowerment finds you willing to do the work and believe by faith that in fact you do have power. The power to decide is all yours. No one can decide for you and no one can take over your responsibles. Only you. And you can do it one baby step at a time. Own your own stuff without judgement but with kindness and compassion and you may, like me discover the goodness in you again; love yourself again so you can allow yourself be happy and treat yourself with loving kindness.

Maybe ask yourself when you are faced with strong pulls towards what you know will backfire on eventually "Am I being led in the right direction? Can I trust my thoughts and feelings right now? No? They I best talk to myself about what I can do to balance my thoughts and feelings before I take action. I have learned to give myself time to level before I make any decision about anything. Even little things like going shopping. "Is it safe? Will I indulge in 'shopping therapy' only to feel horrible afterwards?" As much as I want to give into the urge and go shopping or whatever, if I am off balance I make the choose to defer the urge until I can fill the void in a better way; until I can trust myself to shop for what I need and not what will temporary and with consequences fill some emotional void.

Opps.... another novella. Good thing you like to read Allme. lol.

Be well my friend and be kind to yourself. Cut off the negative self talk. Just tell it with conviction to go away and if that doesn't work tell it, "later we will talk'. In the meantime you can choose to be kind to yourself and ask yourself, 'what can I do in this moment to take control? Breath, focus on beauty, speak positively to and about yourself..... When we feel less vulnerable we are better prepared to go back to the negative voice. We will often discover with great delight that the voice is gone. Even if you can still hear a whisper just say, 'I am too busy loving myself to give you any more voice. So long you destroyer of all that is good and beautiful in me." The time of positive focus gives us the renewed power to stand up to the destroyer.

May you walk in power and victory Allme. You deserve the kindness so give it to yourself. Negative voices.... STFU!!

hi dy launguage he was mad at me but i just kept telling him if they would send the ambien i could sleep well i leave go home im trying to sleep on the couch and i hear banging at my door it was the police i said can i help u officer i went on my porch and he said u are coming with us i said i gotta get my sandals he said no i will get them i have never in my life been in a police car and they take me around the back of a hospital with like a 50 ft wall and when i get out they say dont run yea right im spiderman ill jump the wall well anyway they take me inside and the cop who is one of my township officers puts his thumb in my back and sorta twists iy and pushes me and i said keep ur dam hands off me i want a ph call even prisoners get that so this worker yells at me he didnt touch u i said this is none of ur business shut the f.. up so they take me to an emergency room this girl is trying to get blood she tries like six times so she uses two teroguits and blood spirts all over me the sheet so this guy came over he was compassionate and said honey let me clean u up and he got me a phone i called my husband who had a stroke but he understood and i said why did he do this my husband said he is a jealous b...... so i get off ph im there for an hour they take me to crisis it is no lie 55 degrees in there and tey told me to take off all my clothes pants bra underwear they give me this gown thin as can be i tell them im freezing they get me this thin blanket and im on this metal table and i was so aangry i yelled i hate him tell him i hate him i never said i would hurt myself he is just trying to punish me he always holds hospital over my head if i dont listen to him he has all these rules i cant call nothing but his cell ph if i wanna cancel cant call receptionist i cant talk to anyone in the office bc i was talking on and off to a guy he was in nam and he always called me sunshine i haave blondle hair and one day he said come look at my car cuz i had told him i love cars he got a brand new mustang mach 1 and i was looking at it and he said jump in we will take a spin around the parking lot my t runs down all these steps runs outside and says come in here now i said i was gonna go for get in here now so the guy says i better let u go so i like never see the guy again ii bump into him at a store and he said oh man the dr went phycho on u i said why dont i c u anymore he said the dr told me we cant talk and he makes me leave out a back door i said u are kidding me he said no he meant it so i said he txes me all the time and calls me does he tx u he says never so back to my story im in crisis for like 26 hrs freezing they expected me to sleep on this metal table and i said can i have my pants i am so cold she said no the dr said nothing i was like he never ever did that so she takes my jewerly and rushes me to take a necklace off and it breaks i said who is gonna fix my necklace i was crying so much so she says give me the necklace around ur neck i said no u will have to kill me to get it my son bought it three yrs ago i never take it off it is a jewish star of david and she said give it up i said get the f... away from me i have nothing on nothing and i know he did this to punish me i hate him so in the morning they take me to a room upstairs i stay there the first day no dr second no dr third no dr im like where the hell is my dr he always treats me great gets me insure cuz i cant eat and he sits in my room wth me for a hour or more and shuts the door and the nurses constantly knock he says she is wth me go away well some of the nrses would say what the hell do u two do in ur room for an hour none of the drs stay only five min a patient and this one nurse made constant remarks i justed ignored her this was from a previous hosp stay i have been in there like four times two of my children my son my best friend took his life then my daughter 4 yrs later so he has always treated me great always txs me calls me on my sons birthday he txed me all nite long well anyway day four comes and i said to one of the nurses where is mike they said oh he is faxing something i said what then i turn around and he is there he said lets go in ur room i wanna talk to u well he said he put me in there bc i dont listen to him i dont do what he says ect ect and he was terminating me i said oh my god is this a dream i was crying he was crying i said what am i gonna do my sons birthday and aniversary are coming i cant get through it i was crying and actually said please please dont do this as we walked down the hall he left i was so shaken then i have these men following me around and im like get the hell out of here they said no we have to stay with u as the shifts changes the men changed i have no idea why they are there then finally someone told me about a 101 so my dr was having me watched i was furous cuz he still was doing my meds then ordered this i said he aint my dr get lost they said dont let him bother u he wants u to get all over on him lets laugh and talk so i can wright that on my notes about u dont gove him the satisfaction to think he bothered u i said yea ur right so i tried to fall asleep but i was right at the nurses station the door had to stay open all lights were on i was like this is hell what did i do to deserve this well my dr friend came in my room and told me the nursery ryhme about the goose that laid the golden egg he says u and mike not real name are to close and u both were getting greedy wth eachothers time and this happened but i guartee u he will call u i said no he wont i have been going to him for almost 8 yrs he used to be crazy about me even admitted he had countertransference and wouldnt let me talk to people also wouldnt let me go to the shore he would say i have u sheduled for sa or sun i dont want u going i was supposed to be down the shore that sunday but he wouldnt allow it well i get home and three days later he calls and says im on his mind he keeps thinking about me i said i hate u i didnt do anything u get cops to pick me up have a 101 on me and take all of my clothes i said ur just punishing me he said yea i was u dont listen and he said come in sunday and call me tonight i said fine i tried to cut my hrs back from 3 days a week to one and he didnt answer so i asked him again he said do u need to go in the hospital so now everything has changed he is different he hardly ever txs or calls he cut my sessions down and he wants me to see this skilled dr once a wk for dbt training cuz he said i cant cope wth my kids deaths and he wants me to have him help well we always went over in our sessions way over now its like maybe 10 min over i just feel its so different but he still has his rules sit here ill leave mags u like on the table but i dont trust him anymore and i go but i dont feel the same i wonder will it ever get back to where it was i mean he txed me so much he sometimes bugged me or called me all the time its like someone told him knock all of it off and stop acting like u used to just do theraphy which is fine but im so hurt a what he did when i go im angry i dont keep eye contact wth him which makes him mad what do you all think of this wasnt he unfair and isnt it weird how everything has changed and nothing happened no fight he just said i will listen to him thanks in advance baby boyallme the same thing happened to me in august i went to a session on a sunday and i hadnt had ambien in 26 days the script never came ill admit i was irritiable but i never said i would hurt myself just told him i wanna sleep for 30 days im so tired and wake up feeling great well i could tell by his bo[quohi te=allme;1932610]thank you so so much Wepow It took me a long time to realise it was abuse but I didnt want to accept it and thought that just maybe I was special and blah blah blah and yes I have been back here wanting to be set free from him but it has been so so hard to do it and then I get that email from him which tells me I am not special and it made me feel used and sick and dirty. I know that one day I could love him and the next day hate him......but now its different...he has ended it...and now have to face what really happened. i am still very confused about my feelings. Its like, my furst bf when i was 14 (he was 24) he abused me physically and mentally but I still loved him.....ok so my ex t didnt abuse me in a way that was obvious to me but it was still abuse but still, like my ex bf, I hold some love too. Sooo confusing and no doubt I will be in therapy for a long time trying to work on my issues....

Anyway I am going on but thank you again......I really appreciate yours and everybody elses patience and support.,....i'd be lost without this site at time [/quote]

wow i wish i could fel power like u i feel like my dr controls my whole life once i said to him i wanna quit just what happens happens its fate and he says no u cant quit i said yea u can do whatever u want wth me when u want i mean holding hospital which he kows i hate over my head he never lets me canceleverybody calls the receptionist oh im sick i cant come in but noooo he says i have to call his cell and talk it over wth him if im sick even if i am he says u can sit in here like ur sitting at home god how did all this happen my baby my son took his life i found him i was so traumatized well everyone thought i should start seeing a dr i met him he was aways very good to me but he became controlling and i would cry and say u have no right to run my life he would say why did u come for i said i cant accept losing 2 of my kids i asked him recently see my other long post but i asked him could i just come for meds and he was likeno u arent ready for that i said yea but u sending me to some other idiot to learn dbt training and what ive read of the book it contradicts all ur feelings ill never learn that he said i told u u better listen he has me readind books on co dependence and joining a websit and going to nara non all u meet there is someone trying to give u something i told him that he wants me to go cuz my daughter had addictions problems and he said learn it i said why shes dead i get get her back and he has me reading ptsd which does say in it what my two surviving daughters say to me u are emotionally deadit says that in the book in the second chapter that u feel numb wat no attactments cant love feel frozen always nervous that me since what happened i only have my youngest son who is good to me he understands my heart is broken and i have my son who died son i am raising him but my two daughters dont give me the time of day cuz i cry alot i miss them so much like tonight when i opened gravy for the turkey i quietly cried tomyself my son loved gravy hot or cold i just feel like my dr runs or has control over my life and he knows im peterfied of hospitals he has me readingeating diorder books i have major depressive disorder and ptsd i must have given to my kids i feel so bad ill always say i gave them the curse but does anybodys dr act like him or is he different i dont know any other phychiatrists thanks babyboy end....