Things T's shouldn't say.....

I wanted to know is there anything a T shouldn't say to a patient????

That is too broad of a question. The conversation should be about the client and be respectful....he/she should stick to the client's issues.

Shouldn't be any provocative sexualization of the relationship.

“I’ll never leave you.” — had a therapist tell me that multiple times during some painful abandonment moments in therapy. It’s a lie! She did dump me. A therapist should never say that to a client because there are too many unpredictable events in life to make that statement a reality.

“I’m curious about why you would say that….” The “I’m curious” statement is overused and cliched.

I think this is a GREAT question! FUN!!! Oh, so so so so so so so so so many things a T shouldn't say, and I've heard all of these:

"How do you KNOW your mother didn't love you?"

"I don't buy it."

"Maybe you should give other people a chance."

"I don't believe you."

"You're too judgmental."

"Your mother loved you, she just didn't know how to show it."

"When you say that, it gives me a pain inside - " (grasping his chest and doubling over in pain).

"You're dating another jerk? Boy, if they're within a one-thousand mile radius you'll find them, won't you?"

"You're wearing too much lipstick."

"Be whatever your boss wants."

"Be the lion."

"You should like everyone."

"Why are you asking me that?"

"Just act like a star and you'll be one."

Oh - and dismantle.repair on another thread reminded me how much I hate this one:

"What do you want to talk about today?"

I can't believe T's have said these things, they must be speak before you think people or very clueless. Great thread.
I have a couple:
Can you promise me your safety? (Of course i say yes because if i say no we get in trouble and you know this!) Frustration.
That's your 50 minutes up see you next week. (it's only been half a hour who are you fooling).
If your not going to talk to me i'm not going to listen.

Can you promise me your safety - OMFG, I hate that too. I once had to sign a contract that I wouldn't kill myself during the course of therapy. "Post-termination, though, please feel free to cut your own throat," lol

There are so many crap things about this demand. For one, it's pushy. I can't stand a therapist who starts by issuing commands and instructions, and forces me to agree to something before they even have a grasp of who I am and what shape the work is going to take. I feel normalized, shoved into a box and treated generically, or like a potentially problematic client. I don't want to be treated like a bad apple right out of the gate.

Plus - it makes the therapist look like an incompetent wimp. I want to say: So, you've been to school for umpteen years, you've got the letters after your name, and you call yourself a feelings specialist. You're good at relationships, good at the people thing, good at helping people. You're gifted in your chosen field. You've taken up the extremely challenging and delicate and responsible task of helping damaged and hurting individuals who have nowhere else to turn. You have presumed to do this. You had the balls to take this on in the first place. And yet - ?

And yet, wtf, you can't take a little suicidal depression? Any hint of despair or despondency and you go running for the hills? What the hell do you think I'm doing in your office, playing tiddlywinks? WHAT ON EARTH DO YOU THINK I NEED YOU FOR? I'M NOT HAPPY, SO SUE ME!

What is wrong with these lame therapists!

Do your JOB, people! DO YOUR FRICKIN' JOB FOR GAWD'S SAKE! WHAT ARE WE PAYING YOU FOR?

oooo, kitten has claws! me like! also like the tiddlywinks comment! you're funny!

Thanks Hankster Yeah, being able to laugh - it's the only way I'm still here!

My T once told me "oh, that's pretty weird".

How about a T who says I should let my daughter design her own punishment for shoplifting? Ha ha . Well, needless to say, I got another T

I can't believe anyone is still brandishing that "let the kid design their own punishment" thing...I heard that decades ago when I was in middle school, but thought it had fallen out of fashion by now. It's bad on so many levels.

It's like the self-esteem movement that was so enthralling to a certain segment of feel-good educators who thought it was more important to praise children (no matter what they did) than to teach them anything. All that program does is to groom a kid to become the most-hated person in their office twenty-five years later. How is this helping society?

And I really hate the word "design" in the same sentence with "punishment." Something about that is really creepy. Moral issues are not aesthetic issues, and they shouldn't be confused.

We don't let kids do whatever they want, any more than we let adults do whatever they want, because behavior is only partly personal expression. Our actions affect other people, and the sooner a kid finds out the consequences of their anti-social actions, the better for everyone involved

And how does a non-answer like that help you deal with the pain you're in over your daughter's situation? It's SO frickin' fake and preening for a therapist to spew crap like that to a client who needs help, not trendy psychobabble. You did good to get rid of that therapist!

When discussing what I look for in a partner I told my T that I look for an emotional connection just as much as I do for a physical attraction and I got this response: "Oh, that's pretty weird" .

Edit: Whoops, I meant to edit my previous post but instead added an extra post to the thread, sorry.

@emre43, wtf? How bizarre - he thought it was weird that you want more than a sexual relationship with a partner? That you need an emotional connection with someone you're having sex with is - weird to this guy?

What ever happened with this a$$clown, I'm curious?

Another thing I hate to hear:

"You're intellectualizing."

My T told me, "uh i've never heard of that before"
It inspired confidence. I knew i was in good hands then. Lol.

"I've never heard that before," that's rich! So you're going - okay, is that a good thing or a bad thing? Am I enlightening him, expanding his horizons? Providing new possibilities for exploration of the human psyche? Do I have new status in his eyes, perhaps enhanced power and glamour?

Does he want to switch chairs and let me play T today?

More often, the thought in your head is, "Oh $hit, I'm an a$$hat! I must be SUPER WEIRD if my damn THERAPIST is thrown! Aren't these people always bragging on themselves, that nothing shocks them? That there's NOTHING they haven't heard?"

That statement would make me feel like a freak! And yes, that sucks.

I've had that, and it does hurt. But it was something I needed to know.

HOWEVER, so much for not judging us!

After telling my T that I lack confidence I was told to simply "Fake it until you make it". I just gave her a WTF expression whilst think I would be better off flushing my money down the toilet instead of giving it to this cretin.

Exactly, except my T is a female I still see her, I quite like her as well, she just had that one moment, which left me baffled.

YesYesYes, hankster! Belly laugh funny!
But let me play academician please & point to the really dry & subtle & witty comedic touch our kitten slipped in to see whether idiots like me were paying attention:
It purely cracked me up! ... the final punctuation point. Nope, not the ?

That ever-loving ! Brilliant. Even silly ...

Yeah, the $hit-eating grin icon, it's one of my faves!

Thanks for the nice words, Roadrunner! You make this place fun too!
k.

Exactly

That is unbelievable! I mean that's something that only completely ridiculous humans ever say without being ironic. I remember hearing that on that awful PTL show, People That Love with Tammy Faye and Jim. I'm sure she was a nice lady (may she rest in peace) and gawd knows that jerk put her through some horrendously painful times. But my skin would just crawl whenever she'd say, "Fake it 'til you make it!"

Why was I glued to that show? It was the early days of cable, not much to watch in those days. There was either PTL, or the brain surgery channel (docs peeling off people's faces with a scalpel and just draping the flesh down over the skull like a piece of fabric, blech)

TRIGGER
That was a face-lift, if I remember correctly, on The Operation, on a taller woman with long reddish-brown hair. By the time I'd seen all the episodes twice, I could watch while eating a bowl of spaghetti with tomato sauce! I did almost heave at my first episode, though! Remember the self-boob lift from her stomach fat? THAT was a cool episode - mighta been the same person... And the vasectomy? Youchie! I miss that show!

Yeah, and I've been "guilty" of it too - although I object to the notion that there's anything wrong with intellectualizing. Intellectualizing is just one of about a jillion ways that us humans try to deal with our pain. Why does that particular strategy especially make therapists want to jump down our throats?

My secret suspicion about why shrinks HATE intellectualizing, and will make a point of drawing our attention to it quicker than anything else, is that therapists have a lot invested in their careers and their status as the power-holder in the relationship.

Therapists are smart people who've studied a lot, paid a lot of money for their education. Of course they want to retain the client's respect for them as an authority. But the client-therapist dynamic can feel murky, and the power dynamic shifts a lot even within the same session.

The therapist's status as the power-holder can seem arbitrary, even to himself (or herself). A bright, articulate client who has the courage to look inward, who's thought a lot about their own issues and is comfortable talking about them and expressing themselves, can be threatening to an insecure therapist.

I've also noticed - with my last longer-term guy especially - that some therapists object to a client who seems to be ENJOYING the process too much.

I'd be doing dream work with this therapist, and I'd be coming up with amazing connections and insights and light-bulb moments, and I'd start to get excited and was obviously pleased with myself. And a shadow would cross the guy's face, and he'd either fall silent to try to discourage me, or he'd attack me with: "Well, you're getting ahead of yourself," or, "That's too general, let's get back to specifics," or (drumroll please) "You're intellectualizing." And I really think the guy just HATED the sight of me enjoying the process. These were insights I came up with, rather than something he had conjured.

(He was a freak though, so maybe I shouldn't go by him...)

But I do think it's unfair that the THERAPIST can be intellectual in their approach, but WE can't be. It's a power thing, and it makes we wanna retch.