Wedding ring awkwardness

So no sooner do I write a reply to a thread about how I've learned to manage my T's being married, than I get to have that tested in therapy.

This morning I wasn't quite sure what to talk about, and there were a few silent patches to begin with. I think I had just mentioned feeling crappy and alone at my current workplace with my current boss, both of which are making me very unhappy.

Long-ish silence. Then T said, "I'm not sure what makes me think of this, but I did want to mention... you may notice I haven't been wearing my wedding ring this week." No, I did not notice. "Everything is fine, I just left it somewhere this weekend." I gave a concerned look. "No no, I know where it is, I was helping a friend move, and didn't want to scratch it so I took it off... anyway I am picking it up again later today. I just didn't want you to notice first and be unduly concerned about my personal life. Everything is fine."

As he was saying all this I could feel myself blushing and I could not maintain eye contact. As much as I've made a lot of peace with the fact that he's married, I still don't like talking about it. And now I feel totally weird and embarrassed for being so AWKWARD. I think that was what was making me turn red, just that I felt so uncomfortable talking about it and so self-conscious about eye contact that I felt like he must notice and I could feel myself turning red and once you feel yourself blushing you blush more because you're embarrassed to be blushing... ARGH.

Now I just feel like a loser for freaking out. Bah...

I used to notice my T twist his wedding ring during our sessions, and part of me really wanted to read into that more. I think he became conscious that he was doing it and stopped.

Really, I bet your T felt super awkward bringing up his wedding ring, so he may not have paid close attention to your reaction. Don't beat yourself up!

my t is really young, but when she begins to speak about herself, her marriage, i think, i am paying you to listen to me, not the other way around.

My T would never have mentioned that unless I raised it first.

I was thinking the same thing.

Have you discussed his marriage, Sally Brown? It seems so strange that he would bring it up, unless you were staring (or glancing) at his empty ring finger. Have you asked about his personal life?

If none of the above apply, then I'm sorry you felt so awkward. It was his fault for bringing it up & causing what seems might be a predictable reaction from a female client.

If you can get beyond the awkwardness, I don't think it would be at all unreasonable to ask why he felt it necessary to tell you. Working thru these things is supposed to make for a better relationship.

Hope it settles back into a good working rapport!

Hey, thanks all. Appreciate it. I was able to see T again later this evening and talk it over because it was bugging me, and that helped a good bit.

wintergirl, you were right about not beating myself up -- turns out T didn't really notice how tense I was! Oy. I am really glad he doesn't play with his ring, normally. It would drive me CRAZY to try not to read into it.

cin1, I mostly agree. My T actually almost never talks about himself, and rarely says anything personal unless it's to help me out in some way. It would be weird for me if he talked about his marriage... hopefully your T's tendency to do so is a habit she will kick with more experience!

CantExplain, for a split second right when he said it I thought, why are you telling me this? But it pretty much seemed immediately apparent to me that it would be weirder had he said nothing at all, for me personally. I'm sure some patients would not hesitate to mention it, but I probably would have felt incredibly awkward bringing it up myself, had I noticed. Was glad in the end he nipped it in the bud.

Anyway, it turns out he mentioned it after I was talking about how unhappy I'd been at work the day before because a recurring theme in my life has been having authority figures change how they respond to me seemingly out of nowhere, and my sensing the change but not knowing what's going on sends me into a panic -- this is going on with my boss right now, and I'd been talking about it a bit recently. It reminded him about the ring and he wanted to be sure that I didn't feel he was doing the same thing by just showing up for the first time in 4 years without a wedding ring for 3 days in a row, and acting as if everything were normal.

Why it made me so tense to talk about it... not so easy to figure out!

Sally, my T showed up for three weeks in a row with no wedding band. I noticed, but didn't comment and he didn't explain. Then, it just reappeared, and again, neither of us commented, though, obviously, I noticed.

About a month later, I took my wedding band off to clean it and just found myself unable to put it back on. My husband and I are having such issues that I just could not bear to put the ring on again. I discussed it with my T and told him how petty I felt. He said that it was normal not to want to wear something that was a symbol of love and commitment when that was not what was actually happening in the relationship. He looked at his own wedding band and started to say something and then stopped himself, and went back to talking about my relationship with my husband. So, I know SOMETHING was going on with him and his wife, but not what. I think it's GREAT that your T was willing to self-disclose enough to try to address your discomfort with authority figures making changes without explaining! And it's GREAT you were able to tell him about your discomfort. Good for you!

Roadrunner, thank you for your kind response. I think I addressed a lot of what you said, but one thing did stand out for me: that it was kind of a predictable response from me, especially since my feelings from him are a central topic in therapy. I admit I'm a little surprised too he didn't anticipate this, but I suppose I didn't anticipate being as nervous as I was, either.

My kids are cool: Thanks! I think my T actually really has a lot of skill when it comes to self-disclosure... even when it causes a reaction it is always coming from the right place. That's quite a story about your T -- I hope it wasn't too disruptive. It seems like it would just add so much to whatever is going on between you! It kinda seems like half-disclosing would be even worse than either disclosing or not, and I think something like that would kind of leave me at a loss.

I know this is a support group for patients and not for Ts, but I hope your T is OK.

Just a thought here - Your T probably sees many patients, right? Some (many?) of them would probably notice immediately that his ring was missing and start to wonder about it. So maybe he had decided to explain the situation to ALL of his patients so they wouldn't be wondering what was going on. Especially any who had transference going on and might start to think "Aha! He's available - Now maybe I have a chance!" Who knows, but at the very least it might cause disruption in the therapy process and maybe it was his best judgment to get it out & explain it and be done with it.

He really seems fine. My impression was that he and his wife were having issues, but resolved them.

To me, this is a bizarre thing to bring up in session. How frickin' weird. Very suspect in my mind, but then you can't necessarily go by me - I've had a lot of terrible experiences in therapy, and I tend not to give them much of a break in any case.

But the guy's bringing up the absence of HIS OWN ring? wtf? If YOU had had one and suddenly stopped wearing it, it would be appropriate (I think) for him to as you about that, because it might mean there'd been a change in your relationship. But you're not supposed to give a rip about his.

We've all had moments of maybe unhealthy interest in our T's personal lives. That is so human. But as one person said upthread, you're in therapy to explore your own issues, not the T's. It's his responsibility to keep that on track, not yours.

A T drawing attention to himself or herself out of the blue and unprompted by me, would be a HUGE red flag for me. (It recently was, actually - I started a thread about it in the general psychotherapy section.)

YOU ARE NOT A LOSER! What your T did was inappropriate and insensitive. I think you should bring this up at the next session. Not all therapists are comfortable talking about the in-session dynamics of therapy, but some are. Anyway, it's a fair thing to ask about, because it made you uncomfortable. Any time a T does that, you should call them on it. Therapy is the one place where you ought to feel safe.

And if he knows you're having trouble with the whole issue of his marital status (which is pretty common), and he STILL made a big deal of it like that, he's either massively insensitive or a little off.

The other thing - the burden of responsibility and performance is always on the therapist. It falls to him to to make therapy welcoming, to behave appropriately, to push you gently when you need pushing, to lighten up when you're feeling fragile. He's got rules that bind his professional approach and techniques, and his ethical behavior. HE sets and enforces these boundaries so you don't have to!

You don't have to be GOOD AT therapy. It's his job to be a good therapist. You can be any kind of client you darn well please! As long as you're not physically assaulting him, you can do no wrong!

I am in agreement with kitten, here. Even if other clients had noticed it, it is totally out of the blue for him to draw your attention to it, as though he expects you to notice things on his person, whether it is a wedding ring, or any other small detail. If he had a cast on or something, it would be one thing, but a missing wedding ring is not big enough for HIM to bring up. I definitely think you should discuss this further with him - why did he need to bring it up, instead of letting you ask. I think it inappropriately puts his marital status back in the forefront of your mind, and the therapy. If my T had said that to me, I would have felt instantly rejected (which is my own stuff, admittedly) like he didn't want me to get my hopes up or something. Just my 2 cents.

If you believe in the principle of the Blank Slate (as I emphatically do not), you might argue that a T should should never wear a wedding ring in the first place.

Hi Kitten, Dirtandearth,

This happened a while ago, and I did follow up with my T. Just to repost:

My T knows me well enough to know that if I had noticed myself, I would have a hard time saying something, but would probably feel some distress about it. He also knows that family secrets have been a major part of my problem in learning to trust people... stuff happens around you, you know something's wrong, but everyone denies or stays silent. So, I think it was the right call. But I do wish I didn't have to flush and stutter every time we somehow touch on the fact that he's married!

Yeah, I have often wondered about this... my T's more of a blank slate than a lot of the ones mentioned on this board, but I'm glad he's not SO much of a blank slate that he doesn't wear his wedding ring. I like knowing that he is a PERSON with a LIFE. But I would imagine there are more traditional types who don't wear a ring even if they're married.

I suppose if we wanted to take the blank slate thing a step further, it could be argued that clothing styles reveal something about the T as a person. Maybe all T's should either be naked or wear a universal therapist uniform.

I noticed my current T not wearing his ring, in my first year with him waaaay back in 2004, before our 3-year break, and i'm pretty sure now he lied to me about why he wasn't wearing it. For the greater good. I think I just see the tip of the iceberg, maybe that's a better metaphor for who T is than a stupid blackboard.

Ha! Or we could just cover them in cardboard boxes. With holes cut in the top, of course, so they can breathe.

Tip of the iceberg -- I think that describes it perfectly.

Or the fin of the shark!

My therapist never talks about her personal life, but I did notice several years ago she stopped wearing her wedding ring, all I could think was what sort of total JERK would ever let her go.... I would move heven and earth to keep such a wonderful person...

Wow... I think I would feel exactly the same way if my T just stopped wearing his ring altogether -- sad, angry, powerless.

Darn tootin!

My T has mentioned more than once over the years that his wife has a chronic back condition...It it awful that my mind immediately goes to..."which probably means the sex isn't there..." So why is he telling me this? Sorry if this is OT, the thread reminded me of this oddity.

I don't think it's OT at all. Very much related, and I have to admit, my mind would probably end up in the same place as yours! Ugh. Transference misery.

But I'm curious -- when/why DOES he bring it up?