[rolan86]

Why does it seem that it's only therapists who can't stay in contact with us? I've heard it before, they are professionals, and want to maintain a professional relationship with us, and it isn't professional to have a connection "outside the office". Just today my personal trainer at a gym was asking if we could stay in contact after I was finished with my sessions, and if we could keep in contact somehow since she said she doesn't use facebook. Also, now that I think about it, I am friends with many of my teachers on facebook, and that turns out fine. In fact, I have even been invited to lunch by several. Nothing wrong there. None of these outside the office relationships seemed to have caused ANY harm. I don't see why it is so different and closed off with therapists. I always hear it with therapists that they don't want people to keep them as support after sessions, because they don't want to be weighted down by past clients. I don't get it. My trainer told me to keep her updated with how my luck is with women in college. All my teachers want me to keep them updated about how college is and tell me to let them know if they ever need help with anything. I have had past teachers from high school even help me with college matters! I just don't get it, why does it have to be so closed off with therapists??

[pbutton]

Do you feel the same way towards your former teachers that you do towards your former therapist?

[unaluna]

do you know how what therapists do, differs from what these other people do? Do you have an appreciation for what they are doing from the minute you walk in the door? They are PAYING EXTREME ATTENTION. A teacher isn't, your trainer isn't, even your regular doctor probably isn't. So it IS different. try to see it from their point of view? what do you think a therapist actually does? I don't mean that sarcastically, I mean seriously.

[bamapsych]

I wanted to be friends with exT. now with current T, I like her and have intense feelings for her too. I have communication skills issues and I cant make or maintain relationships because of it. So last week T wanted us to pretend we had just met at a restaurant and just have a "normal" conversation for the 40 min I had in session. So I agreed to do it. Oh gosh, it was so awkward!!! Holy cow I didnt realize how hard it would be to make that transition. It was nuts. It took me like 10 min to get out of therapy mode and into real life mode lol. It was nice but not something id want to experience again. Too weird lol

Haha, that's funny! Going to dinner with t! I would be a nervous wreck, I wouldn't be able to eat let alone talk:-( hankster, is right though, it is their job to pay attention to us and they get paid to be nice! They probably would not want to know us outside the office! Tidied is a good. Reason for that! Can you imagine an ex that became infatuated by you and was needy would you want to spend time with them??? That is like some clients of there's, I know it would be my worst nightmare!

[Perna]

The examples you give are of those people who have asked you for your information to see you later and keep in touch. Maybe T's, do not personally want to be that close to the people they work with; it's a very intense, emotional job and it's like any other person not working outside their jobs? Personal trainers aren't training when they are with you outside of sessions but therapists would still be intensely being interested and they already have what friends they have chosen, outside their work, they aren't looking for friends among their clients.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by button30

Haha, that's funny! Going to dinner with t! I would be a nervous wreck,

I had to do that once; my T forgot the keys to the office and we ended up in an out-of-the-way, mostly empty cafe doing our session! It was difficult; trying to talk about important stuff but making sure it wasn't too deep so I wouldn't have to cry, etc. She let me order first and I ordered a soda and a sandwich I think and she only ordered hot tea! Talk about embarrassing, to be eating while she was not (no talking with your mouth full!) and we got to the end and found out the cafe only too cash if the bill was under $10 (ours was) and, together, we did not have enough cash to pay, LOL. It was an adventure I'll remember all my days.

Oh perna, what a disaster:-o the embarrassment lol! Did you both have to wash the dishes??? Haha, that would-be very therapeutic!

[unaluna]

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by hankster

do you know how what therapists do, differs from what these other people do? Do you have an appreciation for what they are doing from the minute you walk in the door? They are PAYING EXTREME ATTENTION. A teacher isn't, your trainer isn't, even your regular doctor probably isn't. So it IS different. try to see it from their point of view? what do you think a therapist actually does? I don't mean that sarcastically, I mean seriously.

Some are; some aren't.

[kiki86]

i recently asked my current T if he would stay in touch with me. not as friends but just couldn't he call from time to time so i wouldn't feel like he was disappearing from my life and i knew he would say no but i had to ask anyway. his response was quite helpful. he said that i had to deal with the loss and if i was expecting that he would call me sometime then i would be able to put it off and not deal with the feelings that arose from losing someone. he said you'll have other losses in life, like ending romantic relationships and people dying etc and this is an opportunity to learn to cope with those kinds of feelings.

i hate it but i know he's right.

[Bill3]

Imagine the number of the former clients to whom a good T would need to be potentially permanently responsive.

Imagine the potential for hurt feelings when ex-client A perceives that ex-client B is getting a "better deal" from ex-T. It would be impossible for a T to be completely fair and even-handed about such relationships.

[scorpiosis37]

My T sees about 35-50 clients at a time. Some are long-term, but many are only there for 3, 6 or 9 months. So if a T sees 50 clients at a time, for a period of 6 months each, and has a career of 40 years-- that T could have as many as 400 clients she would have to be permanently responsive to! In addition to her current clients! In addition to her own friends, family, and colleagues! Imagine the emotional toll this would take on that T! I know that each of us might like to think that we are *more* special than other clients-- but I bet almost all clients feel that way! That's the work of a good T; to make you feel special!

In order to protect themselves from becoming overly emotionally invested and worn thin, Ts have to protect themselves by having a "no contact" policy after termination.

No contact actually hasn't been my experience with several of the Ts that I've had. There hasn't been a lot of contact--one I don't contact anymore by my choice--but I still can email two of them and they will email me back (one I honestly haven't emailed in perhaps 2 years, though this possibility is open to me). There were always limits in place, particularly during the period that I was connecting to a new therapist. I still email back and forth a few times a year one T that I stopped working with 4 years ago and I don't foresee this changing. My current T and I have talked about contact and she has made clear that she will correspond with me by email when we finish working together. She also trusts me to be able to monitor how much I email--we both have no doubt about this, particularly given my recent growth. She is good with the relationship that I have with the former T I mentioned and she says that our post-therapy relationship will resemble this one.

[rolan86]

That's honestly beautiful. That is what I wanted from my T. I can see that working out. I guess it was just harder to see the boundaries thing with my T, since she is young and just starting out in the field. As she is just in the middle of her doctoral programs, I know I am one of her first ever clients. I know this, because I read the requirements for her residence at my school. This makes me feel like I would be the patient that would have that one lasting impact...

Originally Posted by eastcoaster

No contact actually hasn't been my experience with several of the Ts that I've had. There hasn't been a lot of contact--one I don't contact anymore by my choice--but I still can email two of them and they will email me back (one I honestly haven't emailed in perhaps 2 years, though this possibility is open to me). There were always limits in place, particularly during the period that I was connecting to a new therapist. I still email back and forth a few times a year one T that I stopped working with 4 years ago and I don't foresee this changing. My current T and I have talked about contact and she has made clear that she will correspond with me by email when we finish working together. She also trusts me to be able to monitor how much I email--we both have no doubt about this, particularly given my recent growth. She is good with the relationship that I have with the former T I mentioned and she says that our post-therapy relationship will resemble this one.

[shipping]

How many of you have seen Mary Poppins?

Remember the theme? The parents were so distant, and the kids needed Mary Poppins. At the end, the family bonds with each other. And that bird thing says to Mary P:
Look at that. They are going on having a great time with each other.
Mary says, "That's as it should be." and the bird thing says: they didn't even thank you. Don't you feel bad? You loved them, didn't you?

Mary P says, "and what would happen to me if I loved all the children I came in contact with?"

You get the idea. A T tries to teach us that we don't need to look back. Therapy is inherently intimate. Of course most T and client relationships are intimate and intense. And what would happen to T if she loved every client she came in contact with? Our T's probably all love us to some degree, but if they mourned every time there was termination? God help them. Let us help them, too; we can help by succeeding and not looking back. Even if she floats into the air with her umbrella.

[SoupDragon]

Personal trainers work with our bodies, teachers with our intellect, T's work with a very different part of us, they see us "naked" and I think partly it is for that reason that they cannot continue to have a relationship with us.

I think it would be difficult to be "friends" with a T after therapy, because they know (hopefully) EVERYTHING about us; yet, we know NOTHING about them. And when we finish T, hopefully we like ourselves and are in a much better place.

Our T, though, is still the same T that we started with. We are the ones that have changed (hopefully we made a positive impact on them in a small way, as well, though).

It sort of reminds me of being around an actor or actress. In front of the camera, they take on a persona / character. But when they leave the set, they are regular joe or josephine.

But we only know them as their "character".

IRL it isn't all that thrilling or exciting: they have the same problems, worries, concerns, attitudes, issues, headaches that we do. Most of the time, they are a total mess like the rest of us

It ends up feeling off-balance/so strange because we feel we "know" them from their acting work; yet we really know nothing at all. It's totally awkward and many times uncomfortable.

Originally Posted by eastcoaster

No contact actually hasn't been my experience with several of the Ts that I've had.

I have had contact with my T since my termination. I have a pretty scary thing coming up in my life tomorrow and I called him and he called me back and just listened to me and made soothing T noises and some suggestions. We actually talked yesterday too, when I first found out about the scary thing.

Our contact is casual, in that it's unplanned, but our boundaries/roles still feel very much in place. T is still T and I am still his client.

When we ended therapy, we agreed that we would trust that the level of contact would work itself out, and I think it is. If it feels like I need a lot of contact, then I might need to go back. But what I'm expecting is for the need to be less and less, aside from "peaks" like today/yesterday.

((((Night)))) that is really good ... you have that lil safety net / life raft for just in case moments! That is so wonderful

I feel as if I could text T1 any time but she is transitioning out and on her way to the new practice, so I don't want to bother her...AND I have T2 now. But he made it clear from the first appt that he is not available like T1...so I have to fend for myself during the week. Or schedule another appt if I am really hurting.

Thankfully I have PC to get me thru! I don't know what I'd do without you guys :hug

My ex t who dumped me has absolutely no contact with me ( not even to give me my stuff back or tell me why she dumped me)
New t says she will be a part of my life as long as long as i want her to be.