[BrunetteBabe1005]

Ok, so I have been seeing this therapist for a year now, and I feel the "Transference" Feelings. I am in a Depression, cause I know I can't do anything with my therapist, and I don't like the fact that I look at every guy that is around me, and I say "He is nothing compared to my therapist." I am trying to get through these feelings, by using a metaphor.

I know it's screwed up, but I can't bring myself to actually tell him that I like him, so I know this guy named Sam, and Sam is very similar to my therapist. Of course, I don't have any feeling for Sam, but I am saying to my therapist that I am in love with Sam, and I know I can't be with him, because he's on drugs, blah,blah,blah. I am really talking about my therapist, but I am trying to make it believable by using Sam, but my therapist's reaction to it was "Your 19, and you will get over it." "You will move on" So, he doesn't look at this as a problem.

Anyways, I want to know if my therapist is crossing boundries to make me feel Transference. He talks to me like a friend. It is definitely not a therapeutic relationship, cause he told unrelated stuff, like his past, and he told me he was a partyer, and he told me funny stories about his friends, and college, etc. He never really mentions his Wife, and kids. I remember telling him one time, that I don't believe in the "one and only" crap, so I don't know why I am so infatuated with "Sam" He said "My friends always get mad at me when I say this, but I believe I could've married thousands of other women in this world" Bascially saying his wife isn't special, which I think is screwed up, but anyways, he knows I am a rocker chick, I am into that heavy metal music, lol! He was telling me about his past, and how he had long hair, and I am thinking why are you telling me this? lol, but seriously, in my opinion he almost is like trying to impress me or something.

I am 19 years old, and my therapist is 37 years old. He has told me that he feels like he is talking to a 35 year old, because I am so mature, but he also said that he has to remind himself, that I am 19, and not 30 or 35, which I thought was kinda weird to say.

Also, when I was talking about (Metaphor)Sam, My therapist was discouraging me from going out with Sam. He would say "That's gross, you're 19, and he is 34" He would just always be discouraging about (metaphor) Sam. All of a sudden he switched gears on me, and said "Go out with him, it might be fun." So I thought that was kinda weird, that all of a sudden he switched gears. Then he said, "What are you going to do if you were going to dive in this?" and I said "I can't dive into it for many reasons." He said "Well, it might be fun" He said it again. Do you think he caught onto my metaphor? Why is switching gears? Is he crossing boundries? Also will I heal from my transference if I keep using Sam? Please give me your thoughts on all of this, an tell me honestly, cause I am very confused. Thank you so much!

[nicoleflynn]

Your therapist can't make you "feel anything"--transference is just a fancy word for feelings. He sounds unethical. There is a lot of information o n the internet about what a client therapist relationship should look like. Why did you go into therapy? Is he helping you with those goals? A therapist is supposed to focus on you, the client and not talk about themselves.

[anilam]

I wouldnt say he sounds unethical at all. Not much info but from what youve written he could just be trying to reach out to you (i.e. show you that he can relate by sharing his youth with you). I don't believe in blank slate Ts. Hate that while concept. My T too shares some things about his personal life when he thinks I could benefit from it. From his personal life I not much about his life/kids and nothing about his clients. So no I don't think he is crossing any boundaries but only you can tell. If you don't like his sharing tell him so.
Honesty in therapy is vital. So I would encourage you to be open about your feelings too and not use Sam instead.

[anilam]

Btw him saying that he could have married quite a few women could be a way to show you that they is no soulmate concept (at least your T doesnt think so)- many fishes in the sea (i.e. Sam isnt the one for you)
As you can see we only can guess what he meant by all that the only way to know is to ask him

[nessaea]

I agree with anilam - There is definitely some transference going on, but, from what you have said, I don't see anything unethical. Transference is a normal and common thing in therapy, and I think it is very important to talk about it openly and honestly. No one can "make" you feel anything, but if you don't talk about it with him, he may be unknowingly doing things to further your attraction.

I really suggest just being straight with him. It sounds like he cares about you, and I would suspect he would be willing to work with you on how to deal with your feelings so that you can continue to work together.

The sudden change in direction regarding "Sam" may be just that - a change in direction. It sounds like he was trying to encourage you to pursue other relationships, but you kept talking about Sam, and so maybe he decided to try being supportive instead. Therapists will tend to go with the flow, so if they try something and it doesn't seem to be working, they will take a different approach. I don't think it is an indication of anything wrong.

So, to sum that all up. I think it's really important for you to be honest with him! Please keep us posted on how things go

Edit: Oh, and, at least for me, it is not at all uncommon for therapists to talk to me about their personal lives. I know a lot about my current therapist, and I like that. It helps me see her as a complete person. Many therapists give details about themselves to help their clients feel connected. However, if you feel you know too much about him or if it is making you uncomfortable, just tell him that. Honesty is the key in therapy!

[BrunetteBabe1005]

Originally Posted by nessaea

I agree with anilam - There is definitely some transference going on, but, from what you have said, I don't see anything unethical. Transference is a normal and common thing in therapy, and I think it is very important to talk about it openly and honestly. No one can "make" you feel anything, but if you don't talk about it with him, he may be unknowingly doing things to further your attraction.

I really suggest just being straight with him. It sounds like he cares about you, and I would suspect he would be willing to work with you on how to deal with your feelings so that you can continue to work together.

The sudden change in direction regarding "Sam" may be just that - a change in direction. It sounds like he was trying to encourage you to pursue other relationships, but you kept talking about Sam, and so maybe he decided to try being supportive instead. Therapists will tend to go with the flow, so if they try something and it doesn't seem to be working, they will take a different approach. I don't think it is an indication of anything wrong.

So, to sum that all up. I think it's really important for you to be honest with him! Please keep us posted on how things go

Edit: Oh, and, at least for me, it is not at all uncommon for therapists to talk to me about their personal lives. I know a lot about my current therapist, and I like that. It helps me see her as a complete person. Many therapists give details about themselves to help their clients feel connected. However, if you feel you know too much about him or if it is making you uncomfortable, just tell him that. Honesty is the key in therapy!

Thank you for answering! I do appreciate it! You made some valid points. I am so embarrassed now to bring it up to him, even though, people have been saying to me, bring this up to him. I feel like I really can't now cause I created a Metaphor, and that is even more embarrassing, cause he is probabaly gonna be like wtf? lol, makes me seem crazy. Your right honesty is key, but now I think I dug myself a deeper hole by talking about Sam.

[BrunetteBabe1005]

Originally Posted by anilam

I wouldnt say he sounds unethical at all. Not much info but from what youve written he could just be trying to reach out to you (i.e. show you that he can relate by sharing his youth with you). I don't believe in blank slate Ts. Hate that while concept. My T too shares some things about his personal life when he thinks I could benefit from it. From his personal life I not much about his life/kids and nothing about his clients. So no I don't think he is crossing any boundaries but only you can tell. If you don't like his sharing tell him so.
Honesty in therapy is vital. So I would encourage you to be open about your feelings too and not use Sam instead.

Hi! Thanks for answering, I do appreciate it! I know I have to probably bring this up, but I am so embarrassed now to bring this up, cause I created a metaphor, and probably my therapist is gonna be like wtf? lol, but seriously, I don't think I can bring it up at this point. I think I dug myself a deeper hole. I am hoping that when I go to college, I won't have time for him, because I will be going to college full time, so I might be only to see once every 2 weeks, or once a month even. I currently see him twice a week. Could that be part of the problem? Also do you think that when I am in college I will be pretty much get over him? Thanks again!

[nicoleflynn]

As I stated you can do some investigating on the web and find out what constitutes good therapy and red flags to look for. If you feel uncomfortable with anything he says, you should tell him. The therapy is for you.

As for saying "you will get over it." He has no way of knowing that. No one does. Therapists aren't supposed to give advice or tell you what to do (sounds weird, I know), but they are supposed to give you tools to make good decisions for your life.

[purplemystery]

I think that he doesn't sound unethical, but I agree with nicoleflynn in that he shouldn't have been giving you advice. He shouldn't have told you not to go out with Sam, and he shouldn't have advised you to do so either after awhile. It's possible that he did this because you are still fairly young, and he may feel like he should try to guide you in the "right" direction. I think that when you have these intense feelings for someone, it is so easy to take on that perspective and read a lot into everything. But therapist's aren't mind readers, as much as we may at times like them to be. It might be embarrassing to tell him about what's really going on, but I think he will understand why you came up with Sam- it's very difficult to talk about those feelings!

[BrunetteBabe1005]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

As I stated you can do some investigating on the web and find out what constitutes good therapy and red flags to look for. If you feel uncomfortable with anything he says, you should tell him. The therapy is for you.

As for saying "you will get over it." He has no way of knowing that. No one does. Therapists aren't supposed to give advice or tell you what to do (sounds weird, I know), but they are supposed to give you tools to make good decisions for your life.

You are right. I was reading that a T can't give advice, and that is what he is doing. I do appreciate you answering, cause I am very confused about the whole thing! lol! I guess I am going to weigh it out, and see what happens.

[BrunetteBabe1005]

Originally Posted by purplemystery

I think that he doesn't sound unethical, but I agree with nicoleflynn in that he shouldn't have been giving you advice. He shouldn't have told you not to go out with Sam, and he shouldn't have advised you to do so either after awhile. It's possible that he did this because you are still fairly young, and he may feel like he should try to guide you in the "right" direction. I think that when you have these intense feelings for someone, it is so easy to take on that perspective and read a lot into everything. But therapist's aren't mind readers, as much as we may at times like them to be. It might be embarrassing to tell him about what's really going on, but I think he will understand why you came up with Sam- it's very difficult to talk about those feelings!

Thanks PurpleMystery for replying to my post! I know that I probably have to bring it up, but it's also bad cause he's married, and I feel bad that I even like a married man. It's just a bad situation for me, but I am hoping to build up the courage to talk to him about it

[nessaea]

Hey,

I'm glad that what people have said has helped, and that you are trying to work up the courage to talk to him. That's a huge step! Good for you!

Don't beat yourself up about being attracted to a married man; people can't help who they are attracted to. What matters is what you do about it!

One thing to be cautious of is that every therapist is different. You mentioned that you were reading that therapists aren't allowed to give advice, but that isn't true. It really depends on the relationship they have with the client. My therapist gives me advice all the time, and I like it. I value her opinion, and welcome what she has to say. But it doesn't work for everyone. So, instead of trying to figure out what he should/shouldn't be doing, maybe try figuring out what you want him to do - the things that would help you the most. You are still getting to know each other and learning how to work together, so instead of looking at it like "He's doing X and that is wrong" maybe try thinking about it like "He is doing X and it is not working for me. I would prefer is he did Y instead." That way you can communicate with him what you need him to do, without there being any judgement or stress.

Just a thought! Keep us posted on how it goes.

Ness

[BrunetteBabe1005]

Originally Posted by nessaea

Hey,

I'm glad that what people have said has helped, and that you are trying to work up the courage to talk to him. That's a huge step! Good for you!

Don't beat yourself up about being attracted to a married man; people can't help who they are attracted to. What matters is what you do about it!

One thing to be cautious of is that every therapist is different. You mentioned that you were reading that therapists aren't allowed to give advice, but that isn't true. It really depends on the relationship they have with the client. My therapist gives me advice all the time, and I like it. I value her opinion, and welcome what she has to say. But it doesn't work for everyone. So, instead of trying to figure out what he should/shouldn't be doing, maybe try figuring out what you want him to do - the things that would help you the most. You are still getting to know each other and learning how to work together, so instead of looking at it like "He's doing X and that is wrong" maybe try thinking about it like "He is doing X and it is not working for me. I would prefer is he did Y instead." That way you can communicate with him what you need him to do, without there being any judgement or stress.

Just a thought! Keep us posted on how it goes.

Ness

You are a mastermind! I think that is a good idea! I will try to work on things I want him to do. I am actually getting slowly better with this obsession. I feel like I really don't think about him as much, but I still didn't bring it up to him, about my Transference. However, I do feel like I am getting slowly better. So, I am hoping it will just eventually fade, but if it does get way out of control, I will try to build up the courage to talk to him about it. Thanks a lot for your insight! I greatly appreciate it!

[SunnyLA]

If you come clean with your therapist, you'll make better progress. I don't understand why you aren't direct and honest with him. He's only there to help you. I don't think he's hitting on you nor do I think he's a louse for commenting on marriage compatibility. I also don't believe he knows anything about Sam other than what you've told him. If you haven't given him any reason to doubt you, why would he? Remember he thinks you're mature for your age. That's not an inappropriate comment, it's a compliment.