Boom. Gone.

So...this isn't about a therapist, but I feel like it fits best here because it's about a mentor and transference, and romantic transference.

First of all, quick back story: emotionally and physically abusive narcissistic father who abandoned me when I turned 18. Basically setting me up for daddy problems. I also have a history of looking to older men to help, protect, and guide me. Thankfully, no dirty old men ever used that to my advantage. If I had ever run across one, I would have been a prime candidate to become sexually abused.

Okay, so when I was in high school, I started attending a youth group. And the youth pastor was a guy in his late 20's and early 30's (I knew him for almost 5 years). He became a great mentor to me, but I also developed more feelings for him. They were romantic, but not sexual (if that makes sense). I didn't know what was going on at the time, but I knew he was married and so I never tried to take things any further than thoughts and feelings. I respected him and his marriage to his wife more than I wanted to act on anything I was feeling. Looking back, this was obviously all transference-based.

Fast forward...he's been in my life almost 5 years. He knows more about me than anyone and has helped me through high school and my first few years of college, along with numerous bouts of deep depression and suicidal thinking, etc... He's the most important person in my life and I'm secretly in love with him, but regardless of that, we have a very close relationship. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, he resigns and leaves. I was told two weeks before he left and never got the opportunity to talk about it with him or with anyone else.

Just boom. Gone.

He gave me a card thanking me for helping him (I was a volunteer in the youth ministry where he worked) and encouraging me to continue to grow and become a better person. On top of that, he said he was planning on keeping in touch with me and wanted to see me grow as a person in the future.

Long story short, he didn't keep in touch. In the past two and a half years, we have talked a total of 5 times. I have tried to keep in touch, but he has been extremely difficult to maintain contact with. About half of the reaching out I have done has been met with him ignoring me, and the other half has been met with only half-enthusiastic responses. Nothing more than a sentence or two. And he has never initiated contact.

I don't need to explain how devastating this has been for me. I feel like I have been grieving for the past two and a half years and it doesn't end. I don't feel like there's anyone I can talk to about this (my T works with him at another job...what are the chances that would have happened?!?), and I don't feel like it will ever end.

Recently, though, it had been improving. I was having happier moments, thinking of the fond memories without the huge stabs of grief and feelings of loss. I could smile when I thought about him rather than cry my eyes out.

But then today, he sends me an email out of the blue. I am fairly certain it was sent by accident, as it was a generic email sent about an open house at his work that I am guessing was just sent to everyone in his email list. We haven't so much as sent a text to each other in 7 months. And suddenly, all the old feelings came rushing back. All the grief and loss and transference lovey feelings, and all the transference and girly giggles and anxiety about what he was thinking and old emotions have all flooded me and I am finding myself overwhelmed and angry.

When does this end? How can I finally move past this and leave him behind for good? Why does it hurt so badly?

For when does it end - i guess i better not tell you im still googling my choir director from 50 years ago, huh? I still remember the last date i saw him, Easter Sunday, eighth grade. He left, us kids got NO explanation when we returned to school after spring break. I did email him a few years ago and got a nice note back. I wasnt really close to anybody back then but i had an awful crush and he was a big influence on me. He was a father figure to me if anyone was. Then like you say - bam, gone. He has written a few books and there are some videos of him - parts of the books seem familiar. The videos are certainly him! When i found the books on amazon, i did talk to my t about them a little, but maybe it was before i really attached to my t. Might be worth revisiting.

I also have a middle school band teacher whom I was fond of. But it was never a crush, just many fatherly type feelings. Leaving him was easier because it was a "normal" ending. I went to high school, and it was expected and not a surprise. I still have notes from him encouraging me. I do still miss him quite a lot, now that you mention it. Like I said, this is a pattern for me, haha, to the point where I just stay away from men who are any more than 4 or 5 years older than me because it turns into this mess of transference feelings.

Very painful. I feel a bit weird as I have these feelings for older women! I have feelings for a woman who was like a mother figure to me when I was aged 10 (35 years ago). We have kept in contact (mainly initiated by me) and recently she has just blanked me - she is too sick, too busy (with grandchildren/family) and it hurts - a lot. I don't think I will ever understand these feelings. She too was an elder in our church and was such a huge role model to me and has continued to be throughout my life but I see now that I am not her family, I am not really a friend because of the age difference(?) I feel so hurt and abandoned by this woman. I adore her and yet I am so hurt by her. It is a mess. I reach out and I don't hear anything for days then I get a message and feel "wanted" for a short time - although she never initiates contact. She is also a therapist which makes things kind of weird!

Sorry - as usual, I don't have any words of wisdom, just that I relate.

Aww, I am sorry. It is super painful.

And I am still obsessing almost 24 hours later. I sent him a response basically saying thanks for the invite but I couldn't go, and that was mostly to let him know that he had sent it to me because I am fairly certain he did so accidentally, and to let him know I had no intention of actually going. But now I keep checking my email, wondering if I will get a response, even though I know for a fact that I won't.

Yeah i kinda got the feeling that i was not as important to my guy as he was to me. I mean i was super excited to be contacting him, and he just seemed like yeah suuuuuure i remember you.

Hazelgirl, is it possible he had feelings for you but put the distance in there because he didn't feel right about the attraction? Something that occurred to me as a possibility.

Definitely not. That's not even in the realm of possibility. He was madly in love with his wife. I never even imagined that could be a possibility.

I don't know why he didn't keep in touch, but he left his job due to the stresses and difficulties there. He was having a lot of mental health problems, and couldn't handle everything that was going on.

And to add on, I think the fact that I knew it could never happen made it more safe to imagine more. I knew that I couldn't ever have it, so I could safely imagine it, if that makes sense.

Exactly. Ive told my t i always feel safer when i know hes in a relationship. I can TELL when hes on the prowl. He says i cant, but i think he is not as pokerfaced as he thinks he is. Hes a guy, i let him win sometimes - its good practice for me

Hugs. I can seriously relate. Three years ago I had too much to drink and emailed a coach I had not spoken to in 11 years. I'm not sure these feelings ever go away.

I do think if it's bothering you it is something you should talk about in therapy! Make up a different name if you have to.

Unfortunately, the situation is such that if she took the time to think about it and piece the pieces together, she would know who it was. And so I can't talk to her. I have considered talking to others who were there and saw it all happen, and who would know the impact it had on me. But that's difficult for totally different reasons.

Lol, yeah. It's the idea that I know nothing more can come of it and so nothing can or will be hurt by allowing myself to think about it.

And for me, thoughts were never graphic. It was more sensual feelings and a desire to be close, not necessarily sex or anything like that.

I wanted to dig this up out of the annuls to say I did finally bring this all up with my T (minus the sexual thoughts...). And she did eventually figure out who it was, but it was helpful that she finally knew. And things have gotten a lot better since I started talking about it.

I so get your pain because this has been my life's story as well. Daddy issues. Fell madly in love with a teacher... but now I'm a super old and fully grown adult.

First, the pain will go away, eventually. Time really does heal all wounds. You have to realize too, this man cannot contact you without being a huge creeper. Second, all hope is not lost. In my case 15 years after moving on from the teacher/school I found him in a phone book and went out with him. If I wanted him still he's mine for the taking, LOL.

You need to get him completely out of your life to stop the obsession, because youre right, every little reminder is like fuel on the flames. On the other hand if you want to go to his open house nothing is stopping you. If he really didn't like you at all I'm sure he would have lost your email by now .

Good for you! I feel your pain and talking about it is the best remedy, no matter how much of a cliche it is. Getting it out of your head and into a real dialogue with someone who can actually help will be so healing for you.

It has been healing and very helpful to talk about. I am definitely glad I brought it up.