[AuroraBorealis75]

I don't want to have these feelings for my therapist anymore. I feel so DIRTY. She's so nice and sweet, and THIS is the way I think about her? I am DISGUSTING. If she really knew the extent of me feelings and how I let myself get carried away by them she would terminate me on the spot.

[growlycat]

You aren't disgusting. Early needs that weren't met get confused as sexual feelings as an adult. If your T knew she would want to explore it with you.

[nicoleflynn]

You aren't dirty or disgusting.....feelings aren't right or wrong, they simply are. I doubt she would terminate you for having feelings. If a t is well-trained they understand that powerful feelings emerge in therapy.

[LonesomeTonight]

What Growly and Nicole said. You can't help what you feel, and it doesn't make you dirty or disgusting. And as Growly said, maternal transference, which is about unmet childhood needs, can be misinterpreted in your brain as sexual attraction.

I have something similar going on, though with paternal and erotic transference, with my male marriage counselor. I shared some of those feelings with him earlier this year, and his reaction was great. Said how common it is in therapy, and it's happened to him before. And he helped me understand and work through some of my thoughts and feelings. (There were a few bumps in the road and some difficult periods/misunderstandings, but we're all good now.)

[AuroraBorealis75]

It's what I did with the thoughts and feelings that I feel so bad about.

[kennyc]

I'm sure this is not unusual. When someone is open to you, helpful, listening etc. This is something that therapists deal with and are trained to deal with. I suggest you discuss it with her.

[AuroraBorealis75]

I do plan to talk to her about this, but not all the icky details. She has been on holidays, and I will finally see her on Wed after I go to the staff meeting at my practicum. I have a letter (500 words long) that I plan to read to her, but my anxiety is escalating because I don't know how she will respond. I've been tinkering with that letter every day for the last few weeks, trying to express what I need to say in a way that won't make her recoil from me.

Originally Posted by kennyc

I'm sure this is not unusual. When someone is open to you, helpful, listening etc. This is something that therapists deal with and are trained to deal with. I suggest you discuss it with her.

Rora, it is difficult, I can attest to that. I was with my last therapist for five years. She was beautiful, smart and caring. When I first started to see her we set up boundaries and talked about things we needed to stay away from to keep our relationship professional. Unfortunately there have been many cases of therapist doing the boundary crossing or letting it happen. My suggestion is be up front and honest with her, worst thing she'll be embarrassed and best case scenario it makes your therapy go to a level of communication that you never had. And that would increase the help that you were seeking in the first place, honesty is key to trust and is always the best policy. Good day.

[AuroraBorealis75]

I just can't tell her how sexual this feels. I just can't. It's way too humiliating. I can hopefully mention the romantic feelings, but to tell her that I feel sexually attracted to her - that is beyond the scope of what I can do. I'm too afraid of being abandoned.

[kennyc]

And that is okay!

[nicoleflynn]

Originally Posted by AuroraBorealis75

I just can't tell her how sexual this feels. I just can't. It's way too humiliating. I can hopefully mention the romantic feelings, but to tell her that I feel sexually attracted to her - that is beyond the scope of what I can do. I'm too afraid of being abandoned.

An ethical therapist doesn't abandon a client for having feelings.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by AuroraBorealis75

It's what I did with the thoughts and feelings that I feel so bad about.

What do you mean by what you did with them--having sexual fantasies? Since those are still just thoughts and feelings.

[AuroraBorealis75]

I can't say. It's too humiliating. I feel like I must be a really, really bad person because of what I did.

[LonesomeTonight]

You don't have to say, but if it was, say, pleasuring yourself while thinking of here, there's nothing wrong with that either. I know you have religious concerns, so you probably feel differently about it. I've certainly done that while thinking of my marriage counselor.

If it's something else, then as long as you weren't, say, breaking the law (like breaking into your T's house or something), I think you're OK.

[Tearinyourhand]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

You don't have to say, but if it was, say, pleasuring yourself while thinking of here, there's nothing wrong with that either. I know you have religious concerns, so you probably feel differently about it. I've certainly done that while thinking of my marriage counselor.

If it's something else, then as long as you weren't, say, breaking the law (like breaking into your T's house or something), I think you're OK.

you say such comforting, healing things. I feel shame and guilt because my sexual feelings tend to surface more when there's been a breakdown or impasse. it feels oddly sadistic and I have no idea how to discuss it in session or how discussing it would be useful to me.

[RedSun]

Yes, same as lonesome, I've totally done that thinking of my T! ( and various other people...my old CBT T I could have written a book!). It's okay. You're not hurting anyone in real life, I think it's a safe way to work through these feelings. If you haven't actually hurt her, or anything that belongs to her etc...it's all okay.
I understand your struggle with this, but please don't think of yourself as a bad person. There's a thread on here, 'fantasy session with T', have a read and see how usual it is to feel this way.

[growlycat]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

You don't have to say, but if it was, say, pleasuring yourself while thinking of here, there's nothing wrong with that either. I know you have religious concerns, so you probably feel differently about it. I've certainly done that while thinking of my marriage counselor.

If it's something else, then as long as you weren't, say, breaking the law (like breaking into your T's house or something), I think you're OK.

If it helps, me too. (raises hand meekly)

My CBT T is a very handsome man

[frackfrackfrack]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

You don't have to say, but if it was, say, pleasuring yourself while thinking of here, there's nothing wrong with that either. I know you have religious concerns, so you probably feel differently about it. I've certainly done that while thinking of my marriage counselor.

If it's something else, then as long as you weren't, say, breaking the law (like breaking into your T's house or something), I think you're OK.

I bought a sex toy and named it after my T. Is that TMI? I don't have a good feeling for these things.

[AuroraBorealis75]

I just feel so ashamed and dirty. I feel like somehow I've reduced my therapist to her sexuality. I feel like I've demeaned her. And I feel horrible about that because she is such a sweet person.

[RedSun]

I get that, I do feel bad for treating my T like a sex object (in my head) when she has so much dignity and integrity...it feels shameful and demeaning sometimes. But I also remember that, actually, I haven't done anything bad, or hurt her in any way. Also, I don't fantasise about her now because I don't feel the same way, so maybe it helped me get over it.

[Daystrom]

I don't see any reason to feel bad about harmless fantasies. Our thoughts are our own, and thoughts don't hurt anyone. Certainly, I've never felt guilty about the hot, hard, fast, sweaty, naked, dirty, filthy sex fantasies I've had about my T as all professional composure slips away from her involuntarily and she looks up at me pleadingly and hungrily as we proceed to.... wait, what were we talking about again?

[Chummy]

I have all kinds of fantasies about my pdoc, including sexual fantasies. I don't feel bad about it. You don't have to feel bad about your fantasies. Everyone has fantasies and most have also erotic fantasies. I'm sure your T has them too.

[frackfrackfrack]

Originally Posted by Red75

I get that, I do feel bad for treating my T like a sex object (in my head) when she has so much dignity and integrity...it feels shameful and demeaning sometimes. But I also remember that, actually, I haven't done anything bad, or hurt her in any way. Also, I don't fantasise about her now because I don't feel the same way, so maybe it helped me get over it.

Maybe we just have to get away from thinking of sexuality as demeaning or shameful. Its just another aspect of our humanity, and a very pleasurable one.

[frackfrackfrack]

Originally Posted by Daystrom

I don't see any reason to feel bad about harmless fantasies. Our thoughts are our own, and thoughts don't hurt anyone. Certainly, I've never felt guilty about the hot, hard, fast, sweaty, naked, dirty, filthy sex fantasies I've had about my T as all professional composure slips away from her involuntarily and she looks up at me pleadingly and hungrily as we proceed to.... wait, what were we talking about again?

I hope that's exactly what he is thinking about me.

[frackfrackfrack]

Originally Posted by AuroraBorealis75

I just feel so ashamed and dirty. I feel like somehow I've reduced my therapist to her sexuality. I feel like I've demeaned her. And I feel horrible about that because she is such a sweet person.

I wouldn't worry about it. Thinking of someone sexually should be taken as a compliment. I think the dirtiness gets associated with it because the forbidden excites us sexually and also because its been traditional to label sex as dirty in order to forbid it.