sudden death

I have a long history of painful transference with teachers, lecturers and other figures of 'authority'. After the most serious of my suicide attempts, I was hospitalised and then finally got to see a really good CBT therapist, which is what I had been wanting. I saw him for 8 years during which I managed to stop self-harming (despite continued impulse to do so during times of high emotion). Also, no suicide attempts or need for hospitalisation.

Though I have a partner I love very much I also had various types of intense transference with this therapist. He was ok with discussing it and handled it with great compassion. About 2 years ago I stopped seeing him weekly and started seeing him only every two weeks. The reason was that days after I saw him I would start worrying about whether he really cared about me or it was just an act, and I would work myself into a real state. And then when I saw him after a week I would be completely reassured and for the same thing to happen days later. This stopped happening when appointments were further apart. He said that so long as I was less preoccupied with the matter it WAS a good thing.

He emailed me to say that he was going in for an operation and we could be in email contact in a few weeks but that he would only resume practice in June. I waited a couple of weeks and then kept emailing. Messages came back saying his postbox was full and after a week of this I phoned the pager. It turns out I had missed an SMS from two weeks earlier saying he had passed away.

I had missed the memorial. I made my own with flowers and candles. I'v also had wonderfully supportive friends to talk to. But I miss him so intensely: I keep looking for things about him, or of him, on the internet. There are a few pics I keep staring at. I'v gone through all the emails he ever sent me. But as a patient, there is SO LITTLE I have access to. Has anyone had this experience???

First of all, I am so sorry for your loss. I am happy that you created your own memorial for your T. That is really kind of you and I think it is very important.
I have not had this experience so I cannot entirely relate but I certainly do feel for you.

Thanks Barbella,

I'm not sure kind as it was for me, of course. I'v been lighting candles ('for him') before going to sleep as this makes me feel more *held*.

I'm so sorry to hear that, it sounds incredibly painful, and to find out the way you did must have been devastating. I'm glad to hear you have supportive people around you and I wish you peace and healing.

I'm so sorry for your loss...

I'm very sorry for your loss. There was someone on here a couple years back who had this happen. He first posted was that his therapist wasn't returning calls anymore and he was worried, several days later he found out the therapist had passed away, anyways those posts have obviously stuck with me.

Yeah, going back over emails I can see that their has been an ongoing fear of something happening to him for years. This relates to strong dependancy and even identification... What happens when you die and still go on living.

I worry about it too, with my therapist, and every other person in my life that I need. Several years ago I lost a close friend and it was very painful, and now I think about her all the time and it's not usually painful, she is still a part of me and always will be and I never have to forget that.

i'm so sorry for your loss snowqueen

this has been a fear of mine with my current T ever since i found out that years ago he was diagnosed with the same rare cancer that my dad fought for many years and eventually sub-combed to. my own fears of abandonment have definitly fueled this fear as well. because of this fear, i talked to my T before he left for a long overseas holiday last year and we set up a contingency plan in case anything ever happened to him. having the contingency plan, including to have an arrangement for his supervisor to contact me if something happens to T, has definilty helped to lessen my fears my about something similar happening.

im sorry that you had to find out in this way

Ironically - the basic message I took from previous health scares T had was that I needn't panic...

*WhenYouLearnTheWrongLesson*

Patients were referred to another T whom he mentored but I could only get an appointment in a month so I'm seeing someone else meanwhile. I really want to connect with someone who knew him well BUT this other T (whom he mentored) is pretty young and blonde. So I'm seeing her in a few weeks, but all my jealousy buttons are going off. Not sure I'll cope...