I feel angry and sad

Can you find me a link that says she was his practicing psychologist when they met?

I've only read that they met on set of a television show (Not the Nine O'Clock News.) She is also a performer and a dancer who was previously married to an actor Connelly knew. So most likely they connected through their tv careers, NOT her peychology practice.

I haven't found anything to suggest this couple formed while he was a patient of hers. So no I don't see ANY reason to rationalize a patient/client relationship with this example.

That's a fair question, and the truth is I don't know. I have asked myself this too. I've been attracted to my T for two years and during that time I did leave one unhappy relationship (it is what I went to therapy for originally). As I said above, sometimes I am unable to tell whether the problems I see in my relationship are because I am attracted to T or if they are there on their own. I do try o focus on my real-life relationship, what I cannot figure out how to do is to forget about him when I see him every week.The only thing I can think of is to stop therapy, and this is what I've been trying to figure out if I should do.

I feel like this is framed as very black and white when there may be other options.

Why is stopping the only alternative? Why not see someone else for a while? Perhaps a female, if that would deflect any transference issues?

So you mean I mainly talk to the other therapist for a while to process my feelings about T?

You know, I am a little bit afraid that another therapist just won't "get it", all the things I've been feeling and going though re him and it will just feel worse.

I can understand the fear. But it also might be possible a new perspective will help you get a grasp on this and see a healthier, happier way out of these feelings and needs that are not going to be met in your current situation.

Sometimes I feel like people look at their therapist like a gambler does at a bad hand. They think "I can't quit now, I've got all this time and energy 'invested' I have to make it work." So they keep throwing in more energy and more time into something that isn't giving them what they need.

It's seems clear to me that this current T is not helping you process these emotions well enough. There's a block there so much that you're thinking of quitting all together. You don't have to quit AND you DON'T have to continue with this person. None of your time and energy spent is wasted. What you have learned will carry onto the next therapist.

What matters most in all of this is that your emotional needs get met. This is why you went into therapy in the first place. It's YOUR treatment. YOU deserve better. You shouldn't have to quit the game because you got a bad team player. You just get a new team to work with. YOU have to take care of YOU.

If things are not progressing with you current T and it feels more painful that helpful, I'm suggesting taking a break from this one and find another therapist to whom you can talk these things out with. And yes, just to talk about this T or another T is not an unheard of thing. People do it sometimes because it's all 'grist for the mill'. It's a reasonable strategy and your feelings are worth it.

As far as the other T not getting it, I'd be surprised if you didn't find a more compassionate response than you would ever expect. Transference is a common thing in therapy and not all therapists handle it well. When/if you sit down with another therapist, you can explain to them what you need - in processing this experience with your current T- and I'm betting that other T will help you out a lot. he main point being that you won't feel bogged down sorting out your feelings for someone while trying to talk TO that someone. Switch up the dynamic a bit and get an alternate perspective. It may even be that new therapist has had similar experiences of their own to share.

I felt incredibly hurt and rejected in my own relationship when I first started seeing pdoc, so I think that had a lot to do with it. He is in my age range, divorced and very, very handsome, so I look back now and wonder- how could I not have been attracted to him under those circumstances? I showed friends his online dating profile and they reacted the same way. So the fact that I was probably just one of many who felt the same way helped me normalize it. I did talk to my therapist about it as well and she encouraged me to talk to him about it, which I did in a very roundabout way- no names. He was very non alarmist and basically had the attitude that it was normal to be attracted to people and that I should just enjoy it. He did ask however, if it was painful and if I wanted to stop "talking to this person". When I said no he told me to just take it for want it is, flirt a little and enjoy the attraction. It has helped me a lot because I don't feel as attracted in session-it's always stronger out of session which makes me think it's all about the fsntasy and not really him. A lot has happened in the years that I've seen him - my husband moved out twice and moved back in, I tried online dating and saw someone for a couple of months, struggled with an eating disorder, got my first job since staying home with my 3 kids, lost 20 pounds, I started and am almost finished with a masters in counseling, got a job in the field, moved. He's seen me through a lot. I actually think he was attracted to me at first, but I'm guessing. He seemed it but even if he was never would have told me, which I am grateful for. I think when Ts tell clients this it can mess with your head a little. And for me, even if he was I'm sure it disappeared after on of my many sessions where I give TMI . Sorrg if I'm rambling, but I guess the main thing that has helped me is time and the fact that my life is just fuller now- I'm not saying the attraction is 100% gone, it's not, but with so many other priorities it's not a major focus.

I'll bring up the topic of trying a different therapist for a while with my T. I wonder why he didn't suggest it.

It's true that I might get a better response. That's what I was hoping for when I saw a different therapist for one session to help me decide about stopping with my T. When I spoke to him over the phone and he asked me what I was looking for help with I explained the situation and said that in addition to figuring out about stopping therapy I wanted some sort of validation for my feelings, for the sadness and pain it causes. But I don't think that I got that from him. When I said that I feel disturbed when I see signs of attraction from my T and that he does not want to talk about it, the therapist said that he thought my T had done nothing wrong and that he seemed to have his feelings under control. That my pain is basically because of my own thinking, nothing to do with him - that was the message I got.

I think talking to another T could be helpful in some circumstances. I was fortunate in that my feelings were for my psychiatrist, not my therapist, so I had someone to go to who was removed from the situation. Plus she was in the same practice so she knew him well. I didn't realize at the time how fortunate I was because this is difficult to process on one's own.

I think the reaction you received from the T you interviewed might not be unusual. T-shirts approach transference differently and some downplay it a lot. Unless a T trained at a psychoanalytic institute, which isn't very common, then they haven't received formal training in transference (programs do not have classes on transference). That means that Ts learn as they go and through supervision, making their experiences very subjective.

The other issue is that you're not dealing only with transference, but with normal feelings of attraction that aren't being reciprocated the way you'd like. That would be hard for a lot of people to work through in or out of therapy. How would you like to see this resolved? Attraction is attraction and lots of processing still may not affect how you feel. Unless you know what you want come from talking about it, another T might not be much more helpful.

I think you make a very good point here, and this is the key, and what I am stuck on. What do I want?

If I am attracted, but I don't see him regularly, perhaps I could deal with it. What disturbs me is to see him, and be in a position where my feelings about him are used in therapy, but not really treated as feelings. (Of course this is true for practically everyone on this board.) Ok, second, what disturbs me is that I see his attraction sometimes, it gives me some sort of hope (maybe that we will agree to stop therapy and perhaps someday far in the future, if its the right thing for both of us then, we could meet under different circumstances) and then I crash when I see him online on the dating site, or if I don't see him there for several days, or he starts suppressing the signs that indicate his attraction. (E.g. it has happened that when I told him I see him feeling attracted, he will ask me how, and then in the next session, I see him consciously avoiding giving me those signals.)

I had the dating site experience with my psychiatrist and that is very hard. I kind of became consumed with whether or not he was active and therefore still looking. There were times when he'd hide his profile for a while, presumably because he was dating someone, and I'd get depressed. That really sucks so I can empathize with you.

The thing that would be hardest for me though, is the conflicting signals you seem to get. I got them but only before our "talk". After that they stopped 100%. No longer sessions, no more slightly flirty jokes. And it was ok, because somehow it wasn't an obvious change (it is now that I look back) - probably because I only see him once a month. Without that change I don't know that I would have been able to focus on my own life as much. Talking to my T helped too- it deflated the intensity and helped me give up the fantasy.

I think it's harder to let go if you keep getting little bits of encouragement, however, even if it's not intentional on his part. It seems like he may be naturally flirtatious and isn't aware of it until someone points it out - hence his suppression of certain behaviors after you point them out. I would maybe focus on how seeing him is affecting you emotionally outside of the therapy, because as far as I can see, what's bothering you isn't about therapy or him as a T. It's about spending all this time with someone you want but can't have. Maybe seeing another T, even at the same time, would be helpful. You need to decide what will be best for your emotional health and if you feel ready to address it.