I work in law enforcement and have done for the last ten years as a police officer. I have been in CBT for the last three years [Occupational]. I have and always have had a fantastic working relationship with my therapist, there have always been clear boundaries and as professional women in our thirties we have always had mutual respect for each other. Our relationship has dramatically changed and the boundaries have been shattered, the lines are not blurred, they've been completely erased. [Please bare with me, I'm new to this site and very apprehensive about sharing this but feel having anonymity here may be beneficial].

My therapist and I have been becoming progressively closer over the last few months after a home invasion at her house that I responded to. I spent the night on her couch whilst she slept upstairs, in the morning she made coffee and breakfast and we ate together. It wasn't awkward or uncomfortable, I was in police mode and forgot that this woman knew a great deal of my traumatic past. We laughed like old friends, and from that day onwards our relationship became two sided.
My therapist began opening up to me more, we talked on a more regular basis, and a lot of the time it wasn't about therapy. We entered the friend zone.

So here is the part that has me twisted up inside. During my last session two weeks ago my therapist and I hugged. She pulled away slowly and we shared a rather... passionate kiss. I have never considered myself a lesbian or bisexual, but there is an undeniable chemistry between us that let's me forget and more to the point, makes me careless about sexuality. My therapist and I have talked about what happened, and agreed that I can no longer be a patient. What we haven't agreed is the future of our relationship. I understand that this can be seen as unethical and certainly unprofessional, but I can't help but think putting aside our therapeutic relationship for a romantic relationship could be amazing.
Moreover, my question remains, is it possible for a soon to be ex-client to become a therapist's girlfriend?

[Turtleboy]

i'm really not sure of the law but as far as i'm aware terminating the therapeutic relationship is the right choice, why can't a T fall in love? my opinion on it? be mindful of co dependence. obviously seeing you as a strong protective figure changed her view of you, and why not? one occupation doesn't negate the other, you are equal people just my thoughts i wish you well

[junkDNA]

Don't Do it. The dream will become a nightmare.

Spoken from someone who's been there done that, didn't get a t shirt

Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk

I can see how this relationship developed into something more under these circumstances.
I think it is against the code of ethics especially since you have been seeing your t for so long prior to this development.
I am worried for you because I feel as though you will get hurt. I know ts can fall in love but at the end of the day it IS her responsibility to hold the boundaries and not cross them. How does it feel for you? It feels like an abuse of power to me. It doesn't matter what I think but I wonder what affect this will have on you in the future if it doesn't work out. Will you feel used and abused or will you be ok about it, this is stirring up a lot of feelings for you around your sexuality. Did your to give you a referral for a new t??

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I'm sorry you've lost your T, I imagine that's difficult given your solid relationship before the kiss.

Everyone's capable of love, you're both adults and as long as it's what you both want, give love a chance. You never know.
I agree with Mona, how do you think you're going to feel about it? Can you fully break the patient-T relationship? Do what feels right for you.

[Myrto]

It's good that you've both agreed you could no longer continue the therapeutic relationship. That's a crucial point.
About a romantic relationship with your therapist I'd urge you to be careful. It must be hard to go from a relationship where the focus in only on you to a two-sided one.
But if you think you can transition from one relationship to another then go for it I would say. Just be careful. So many people get hurt.

[grimtopaz]

First, I am glad that your therapist was professional enough to terminate the therapeutic relationship. This is very unfortunate (and a great loss for you, I imagine) since you had such wonderful rapport and working relationship PRIOR to the incident.

In terms of "is it possible?" Well, technically yes, it would be up to your ex-therapist and yourself. Is it ethical? This is another question and the answer is "no". I know, for example, than in the state of California psychologists are forbidden, under any circumstances to have sexual relationships with former clients for at least two years (not only would they lose their license, but there would be criminal charges). After the two years, the therapist is also ethically/criminally liable, except for under the most extreme/unusual of circumstances. A complaint could still be filled and the board would take into account services rendered (e.g. a one time intake is different than years of therapy), patient presenting problems, etc., etc.

So to answer your question, it is possible - however, it would be unethical (and possibly illegal depending on your state of residence).

I hope your therapist gave you a referral to another therapist who might help you process these events (your new therapist would NOT be able to file a complaint against your ex-therapist UNLESS you gave the new therapist permission. Client privacy trumps ethical complaints).

Hi BlurredLines -

This sounds very difficult!

Is your therapist a lesbian/bisexual?

What do you make of the fact that you didn't consider yourself lesbian or bisexual prior to meeting your therapist, and now feel that you could be?

Is this a type of relationship you would have wanted had you never met this woman?

I don't see anything inherently wrong with two people falling in love under unusual circumstances. What concerns me is that you didn't enter the relationship on equal footing. There could also be floating feelings stirred up by needs triggered in therapy - this being the most dangerous part IMO. You may not be looking at the situation through the clearest lens.

Prior to pursuing this relationship, I'd find another therapist and try to process it. If the relationship was meant to be, a little time prior to diving in head first shouldn't hurt.

Best of luck navigating...

[WrkNPrgress]

Hi, Blurred,

I am curious about your situation, if you don't mind my asking. Is your therapist "in house" or someone you saw outside of the force? In my area, a lot of cops will go see the on-site counselor for PTSD, but that can be complicated. They're afraid to really open up to anyone on-site and most of the time it's situational, i,e., they go for a specific incident and not long-term analysis.

I have never heard of a cop staying over at a house for a victim. That was kind of you! The moment you took the call at her house and stayed the night, however, was when a dual relationship began and that's where therapy ended, IMO. It's understandable and you did nothing wrong but the therapist should have referred you out at that point.

A Client should never feel the obligation to take care of a Therapist. We care about them as human beings, of course, because we're human, but it's not our job as a client. Any therapist who seeks care or any kind of services from a client is not doing their job as a therapist. Period. Even in light of your situation as a PO, it still raises a red flag for me.

I'm not trying to wrong you or your former-T. There's nothing wrong with mutual affection happening but just be aware that at a that point - the therapeutic relationship needs to end and you will need to get therapy elsewhere.

I only hope you're still looking after the needs that brought you into therapy to begin with. Will you continue to seek therapy with anyone else? Will your T be able to refer you out to someone else?

What is your next step to take care of yourself?

Take care!

[eclogite]

I echo DNA's comment.

Don't do it! It's not worth it - it's so so complicated in ways that aren't apparent.

Again, spoken from someone who's been there.

[missbella]

http://www.therapyabuse.org/
I urge you to contact these people, who have had a great deal of experience in dual relationships. The mere fact you're asking questions sounds like your sharp instincts looking out for you. Therapists with good hearts and intentions can lose their way, leaving it up to the client to right things.
Wishing you the best.

I want to start by thanking everyone who left a reply. I knew the question of ethics would be unavoidable, and of course we both should have been more aware of what we were doing and avoided the situation. I would be a liar if I said I wasn't happy that it happened in hindsight; I was vague about our relationship and how close we became as friends before our encounter. She leaned on me and I her; our encounter was definitely unexpected and in the moment. We were both very much in the moment, I couldn't say who initiated it.
I haven't stopped thinking about this for two weeks and I've gone over everything we've talked about. I realized I know a lot about her, and I'd like to know more. We talked yesterday and we talked about how we felt. It felt good to tell her and after a long talk we were both happy.
We're getting to know each other, and that's exactly what I wanted, to get to know her on a non occupational basis. And I was happy to know the feelings were mutual.

I have been referred to another therapist. My therapist told me she was doing it the day after our encounter and I had expected it. In that respect she was very professional and acted quickly. Thank you all for asking. I wasn't expecting so many replies, I'm truly grateful to you all and hope to return the support one day.

[eclogite]

One more thing - the relationship (pdoc - sexual) that really screwed me up was horribly awful and inappropriate even though I stopped seeing her before we developed a relationship.

However, I am slowly becoming "friends" with my former therapist in that we text little things every couple weeks and have met for coffee once. She has been limitedly available for me if I'm having a hard time by writing me a couple sentences of support. I'm confident that we will develop into a stronger friendship in the future, and it will be healthy, but I genuinely think it will take longer than a year or two to approach there.

[Depletion]

Maybe put on the breaks on a bit. You don't really know that what's happening isn't just an extension of transference you had in the therapy. And you need time to process what it means to lose the therapeutic relationship. Therapeutic relationships can mean a great deal and they are very personal, hence just starting with a new therapist won't replace what you had with this T. And you have to understand that once you are in the romantic relationship she can't look after you the way she did as your therapist--it will be forever different--and you might need more time to accept that than you think. Maybe take a break, spend a few months apart. Try and go on a date with someone else. Tell her you need the time. If she is really a worth while partner she should understand and respect this. It is a really big deal to change the relationship in this way, and there is real potential for harm. You should be allowed to have the time to really think about it. Also depending on the laws where you are if you tell the new T about this relationship, they may have to report her. You might want to look into this.

[Rose76]

It seems to me that something went awry the night of the home invasion. It seems there ought to be some protocol whereby a different law enforcement staffer would have taken the assignment of staying for the night at your T's, if having someone do that was indicated. It doesn't sound all that normal to me for anyone to have stayed the night. If you are seeing this as a coming together of two souls, two kindred spirits, in a way that is beautuful . . . then I think you are idealizing the whole situation and not seeing what's really going on. Your T has some serious unmet emotional need, and it didn't arise just on that night. If you are seeing the two of you as having some kind of parity as two professional females, then you are confused on that front also. Your therapist has a serious emotional problem. She saw some potential for ameliorating that through intimacy with you. None of this is good. It may seem to you that it's unclear who initiated what. It is the therapist who has far greater responsibility than the client for maintaining appropriate boundaries. This never would have happened, if your T had not lowered the barrier from her end. Her reason for doing that reflects neediness on her part. I would caution you that this therapist may be a more damaged person than you have any idea of. Getting romantically involved with her will probably not lead to anything that you're going to be too happy with. But you may need to try it out to learn that.

It's good that you're moving on to a new therapist. I have a feeling you may have exhausted anything positive that was going to come out of seeing the T you've been seeing. Three years is a long time.

A friend of mine related to me about having had a similar type of experience, where her relationship with a male therapist evolved into a short romance. She still sees the whole thing through rose-colored glasses and feels it was a positive experience. I can see where she has very serious issues that were never dealt with. Like you, she took a lot of responsibility for the breeching of boundaries. I think that's what therapy clients tend to do. And that's because therapists let them do so to assuage their own guilt. My friend does not see how detrimental this situation probably was for her. But I see that she went on to tolerate emotional and sexual abuse from relationships she got into afterwards. What I see is that my friend is vulnerable to being exploited and abused. And that's what I feel happened when her therapy relationship went personal.

I'm kind of meandering around here, but my main point is this: What your therapist has allowed to happen amounts to her perpetrating emotional abuse on you. That may seem to you to be a ridiculously harsh assessment on my part. It's not. You may feel pleased with the intimacy you shared with this person. Keep in mind that sexually abused children often start out feeling pleased with the special attention that they are getting from an adult who is using them.

I don't doubt that you are an attractive and dear person, but it is not just a spontaneous, random occurance that your T suddenly became so smitten with whatever it is that makes you special. There is something keeping her from connecting with those with whom it would be appropriate for her to have these feelings for. When there is a power imbalance, as there necessarily is between a T and a client, and the dominant party chooses intimacy with someone who is at a power disadvantage, rather than with a true peer, you have to ask why? Why does she find you so appealing? (Not saying you aren't a perfectly lovely person.) But why you? The reason is not a wholesome one. Ask yourself if you have any history of being vulnerable to exploitation. That's apt to be what's going on here.

I hope you can enter in to a healthy therapeutic relationship with your new T. What you think were three years of a great working relationship probably weren't. You may be lacking in some major insights into what happens to you in relationships where you over-trust.

Originally Posted by Rose76

It seems to me that something went awry the night of the home invasion. It seems there ought to be some protocol whereby a different law enforcement staffer would have taken the assignment of staying for the night at your T's, if having someone do that was indicated. It doesn't sound all that normal to me for anyone to have stayed the night. If you are seeing this as a coming together of two souls, two kindred spirits, in a way that is beautuful . . . then I think you are idealizing the whole situation and not seeing what's really going on. Your T has some serious unmet emotional need, and it didn't arise just on that night. If you are seeing the two of you as having some kind of parity as two professional females, then you are confused on that front also. Your therapist has a serious emotional problem. She saw some potential for ameliorating that through intimacy with you. None of this is good. It may seem to you that it's unclear who initiated what. It is the therapist who has far greater responsibility than the client for maintaining appropriate boundaries. This never would have happened, if your T had not lowered the barrier from her end. Her reason for doing that reflects neediness on her part. I would caution you that this therapist may be a more damaged person than you have any idea of. Getting romantically involved with her will probably not lead to anything that you're going to be too happy with. But you may need to try it out to learn that.

It's good that you're moving on to a new therapist. I have a feeling you may have exhausted anything positive that was going to come out of seeing the T you've been seeing. Three years is a long time.

A friend of mine related to me about having had a similar type of experience, where her relationship with a male therapist evolved into a short romance. She still sees the whole thing through rose-colored glasses and feels it was a positive experience. I can see where she has very serious issues that were never dealt with. Like you, she took a lot of responsibility for the breeching of boundaries. I think that's what therapy clients tend to do. And that's because therapists let them do so to assuage their own guilt. My friend does not see how detrimental this situation probably was for her. But I see that she went on to tolerate emotional and sexual abuse from relationships she got into afterwards. What I see is that my friend is vulnerable to being exploited and abused. And that's what I feel happened when her therapy relationship went personal.

I'm kind of meandering around here, but my main point is this: What your therapist has allowed to happen amounts to her perpetrating emotional abuse on you. That may seem to you to be a ridiculously harsh assessment on my part. It's not. You may feel pleased with the intimacy you shared with this person. Keep in mind that sexually abused children often start out feeling pleased with the special attention that they are getting from an adult who is using them.

I don't doubt that you are an attractive and dear person, but it is not just a spontaneous, random occurance that your T suddenly became so smitten with whatever it is that makes you special. There is something keeping her from connecting with those with whom it would be appropriate for her to have these feelings for. When there is a power imbalance, as there necessarily is between a T and a client, and the dominant party chooses intimacy with someone who is at a power disadvantage, rather than with a true peer, you have to ask why? Why does she find you so appealing? (Not saying you aren't a perfectly lovely person.) But why you? The reason is not a wholesome one. Ask yourself if you have any history of being vulnerable to exploitation. That's apt to be what's going on here.

I hope you can enter in to a healthy therapeutic relationship with your new T. What you think were three years of a great working relationship probably weren't. You may be lacking in some major insights into what happens to you in relationships where you over-trust.

We have decided to get to know each other outside of the office, we haven't talked about the future and a possible relationship outcome. At this point we both know that as a client and therapist, we don't fit. But as friends, we might.

I actually really appreciate your honesty and value every word. I came here looking for all and any perspective; and I hoped for a realistic answer, one that explores every aspect which you gave me. Sometimes reality is blunt or harsh, but it's reality all the same. You gave me what I needed Rose, and I'm very grateful for that.

I'm flabbergasted that there are no posters urging you to run and report her to her licensing board.

I hope this works out whatever way you want, but if it doesn't work out I hope you will report her because this may not be the first time or the last time she falls and boundaries don't matter. If you stay with her I hope you can encourage her to find a different profession.

In every state in th U.S. She is in violation of her states licensing board and professional association she may be a member of, including any liability insurance would be void.

[WrkNPrgress]

Walkedthatroad has a good point that no one is covering.
Where exactly can this relationship go? Even if you're able to overcome all the boudary issue with a post therapist/client relationship, if she wants to keep her job, your relationship would have to be in the closet.

That's not a healthy place to grow.

Have you actually discussed the risk to her career? Have you asked her if she's ever crossed that line before with other clients?

[Parva]

Originally Posted by BlurredLines12

I work in law enforcement and have done for the last ten years as a police officer. I have been in CBT for the last three years [Occupational]. I have and always have had a fantastic working relationship with my therapist, there have always been clear boundaries and as professional women in our thirties we have always had mutual respect for each other. Our relationship has dramatically changed and the boundaries have been shattered, the lines are not blurred, they've been completely erased. [Please bare with me, I'm new to this site and very apprehensive about sharing this but feel having anonymity here may be beneficial].

My therapist and I have been becoming progressively closer over the last few months after a home invasion at her house that I responded to. I spent the night on her couch whilst she slept upstairs, in the morning she made coffee and breakfast and we ate together. It wasn't awkward or uncomfortable, I was in police mode and forgot that this woman knew a great deal of my traumatic past. We laughed like old friends, and from that day onwards our relationship became two sided.
My therapist began opening up to me more, we talked on a more regular basis, and a lot of the time it wasn't about therapy. We entered the friend zone.

So here is the part that has me twisted up inside. During my last session two weeks ago my therapist and I hugged. She pulled away slowly and we shared a rather... passionate kiss. I have never considered myself a lesbian or bisexual, but there is an undeniable chemistry between us that let's me forget and more to the point, makes me careless about sexuality. My therapist and I have talked about what happened, and agreed that I can no longer be a patient. What we haven't agreed is the future of our relationship. I understand that this can be seen as unethical and certainly unprofessional, but I can't help but think putting aside our therapeutic relationship for a romantic relationship could be amazing.
Moreover, my question remains, is it possible for a soon to be ex-client to become a therapist's girlfriend?

I hope you speak a new therapist before you take one step further. This can only turn out badly...

[junkDNA]

Odds are if she hasn't done it before then it will happen again with someone else. I am a huge advocate for reporting unethical therapists, especially ones that do this in particular. I do know, though, how confusing the emotions are for the client, how attachment and dependence do play a huge factor, and why one would not report right off the bat. I hope OP takes some time to really analyze this situation

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[musinglizzy]

Blurred Lines,
Any new updates? I do understand peoples' words of caution, but I do hope it doesn't stop you from continuing to talk about it. I've been watching this thread, and wondering how things are progressing for you and how you feel about it!? Hugs to you!!

[Keegan2015]

Originally Posted by WrkNPrgress

Walkedthatroad has a good point that no one is covering.
Where exactly can this relationship go? Even if you're able to overcome all the boudary issue with a post therapist/client relationship, if she wants to keep her job, your relationship would have to be in the closet.

That's not a healthy place to grow.

Have you actually discussed the risk to her career? Have you asked her if she's ever crossed that line before with other clients?

Isn't there a "statute of limitations" on the therapist-client relationship once its ended? I think I learned in college that after 2 years (or something like that) it isn't considered an ethical violation for a former therapist and former client to date.

[Ididitmyway]

Originally Posted by Keegan2015

Isn't there a "statute of limitations" on the therapist-client relationship once its ended? I think I learned in college that after 2 years (or something like that) it isn't considered an ethical violation for a former therapist and former client to date.

A statue of limitations is not to be confused with the required wait period after therapy termination after which a therapist is allowed to engage in another type of relationship with a client. In different states this wait period is different. In CA where I reside it's 2 years.

A statue of limitation is a completely different thing. It applies to a time period during which a client can file a lawsuit against a therapist or can report a therapist to the board. In CA, as far as I remember, a statue of limitations for filing a lawsuit is 1 year, for filing a complaint with the board - 7 years.

The above law about the wait period simply defines what is or isn't legal, not what is or isn't morally right and ethically appropriate. There is a common belief among professionals that the wait period doesn't make sense and that romantic engagement with clients shouldn't be allowed no matter how much time has passed since therapy termination. I share this belief as well.

[WrkNPrgress]

There was a great article posted here once written by a therapist as to why he won't even entertain the notion of being friends with former clients, even the ones he adored and got along with the best because of all the complications it brings up and how it impacts the Memory of their therapy.

What you get from a good therapist should be life-lasting. You should be acquiring tools that you will use the rest of your life. You should have good associations with those memories and TRUST in them. His opinion was that be a friend to someone after going through therapy with them endangers the lessons and associations with everything that happened in therapy.

[Keegan2015]

Originally Posted by Ididitmyway

A statue of limitations is not to be confused with the required wait period after therapy termination after which a therapist is allowed to engage in another type of relationship with a client. In different states this wait period is different. In CA where I reside it's 2 years.

A statue of limitation is a completely different thing. It applies to a time period during which a client can file a lawsuit against a therapist or can report a therapist to the board. In CA, as far as I remember, a statue of limitations for filing a lawsuit is 1 year, for filing a complaint with the board - 7 years.

The above law about the wait period simply defines what is or isn't legal, not what is or isn't morally right and ethically appropriate. There is a common belief among professionals that the wait period doesn't make sense and that romantic engagement with clients shouldn't be allowed no matter how much time has passed since therapy termination. I share this belief as well.

Ahhh I see ... yes, the "wait period" is what I was referring to. I know that a "statute of limitations" has a legal connotation, which is not what I meant to convey. And I agree that what is legal and what is ethical/moral is not always the same thing.