Trying to get out

it came and went for a couple years.... there is no timeline, really. the whole thing is majorly confusing. that was the feeling i remember the most- the confusion

my current therapist was really instrumental in getting me past it all, or as much as possible

I am angry today. After I left therapy, and some months had gone by, I asked him to forward all my records to my new therapist. At first he said he would only forward the last few months (out of two years of therapy). When I insisted (after having talked it over with my new therapist), he agreed to forward all of it to her. I just looked over my email and realized its been over two months since he said he would mail them over, but hasn't. I am pissed.

I want to give the benefit of the doubt, but inside I am thinking ****er!!!!!

Yesterday wasn't too bad, and today is REALLY bad. The longing for him is INSANE. My mind is just doing all sorts of gymnastics trying to figure out how I can be with him again. It is so dark and exhausting. Yesterday was OK. I was able to feel some acceptance of my life as it is. Today, it's just a prison where I never get to see the person who lights up my whole body ever, ever again. It's like a prison sentence. My heart is truly aching and the rest of me feels dead. I want to see him again.

Maybe going back once would remind me what a loser douchebag he is. Someone on this thread said it took them more than one try to quit. I want to go back to see him again.

It is very normal during a time of grief to have "good days" and "bad days". I think the fact you did have a good day yesterday is a very good sign that you are starting to adjust to the new reality. You're doing the right thing. Don't give up.

Seeing T2 tonight. Already emailed him to let him know about T3. I've stayed away from T1's Facebook page for a couple of days but the beaming pictures are replaying in my mind all the time.

I REALLY miss him. I don't want to feel dead inside. I want to feel lit up and electric like I did when he said sexual things to me. I LIKED it. Where it fell apart was when he STOPPED saying those things and pulled back. That's what I really couldn't handle at all and am struggling to handle now.

You see, the "good" part was not sustainable and could never be. And deep in your mind, you know perfectly well that T1 is far from that seemingly perfect man with a great life that the "beaming pictures" appear to suggest. Facebook is really not much more than a gigantic fake show and competition, who can do that *** better. My Ts have public websites and social media and after getting to know them in more depth, I see how fake and superficial (and at times erroneous) all that presentation is. I don't see them anymore but I do look at their online info sometimes just out of curiosity. It really is not well aligned with what they truly do in therapy.

A friend of mine who knows the T1 situation sent me this article on narcissists and intermittent rewards. This is ME with this guy! I remember literally saying to him once, I know all you can give me are crumbs, but I savor those crumbs! And it also speaks to the neurochemistry of why a stable, predictable partner FEELS so much less rewarding than that cocaine-like hit from a bad boy like T1. MAN do I want that crumb!!! I mean DAMN!!!

The Real Reason Why We Love Bad Boys, Toxic Partners and Emotionally Unavailable Men | Thought Catalog

How did things go with T2? How are you today?

I almost hesitate to say this because I don't want to jinx it, but I'm having a very good day. Nothing exciting has happened. I just woke up without having a panic attack and without the VIOLENT longing for T1. I believe it's in part due to my session with T2 last night.

I went into the session very dazed and sad. He began encouraging me to tell my husband about the situation again and I told him I felt like he was judging me for not telling him. I also told him that because he and T1 have the same sort of training and treatment approach (trauma focused/Buddhist influence/meditation and mindfulness stuff/sensorimotor therapy/etc) that T2 will sometimes use the exact same terminology that T1 did (not any of the inappropriate sexual stuff, but stuff like encouraging me to focus on the physical sensation associated with my feelings/encouraging me to orient to my surroundings when I'm dissociating) that it freaks me out.

He said he understood why that would freak me out. He said he's absolutely not judging me for not telling my husband, but has encouraged me to do so because he thinks it will bring me some relief because I'm living two separate lives--an internal one where the T1 situation is at the forefront, and an external one in which my husband only knows that T1 sucked at therapy, not that he completely shredded my heart and told me he'd have sex with me if he wasn't my therapist.

I told T2 I'm exhausted and broke and so burned out on the entire mental health field. I told him I've spent four years and ALL of my money trying everything under the sun to feel better and I just feel like a big fat sucker who's been ripped off over and over again and damaged and harmed and manipulated and taken advantage of a dozen different ways.

I told him that it's difficult for me to believe that he's not judging me, that I don't know if I can trust him because I don't trust my own judgment anymore because outside of the T1 situation I've just been looking back at my life and reflecting on all of the times I've shelled out large amounts of money in situations and then let the people I gave that money to treat me like utter ****.

I cried. I told him I woke up yesterday morning with a longing for T1 akin to Meryl Streep in Out of Africa when she

***SPOILER ALERT***

finds out Robert Redford just crashed his plane into a mountain and the love of her life is gone. I told him my longing for T1 is wild and asked him for advice on how to deal with it.

He told me that when it comes up to keep reminding myself that this person I think that I'm in love with doesn't actually exist--he is an illusion. I've created this fantasy person that I believe T1 to be (T2 doesn't know I've seen his Facebook page) and a fantasy of this life I could have had with him, and that T1 cruelly fed that fantasy, but that it's NOT REAL. He said the T1 in my head isn't real. His tone and some of his language led me to believe that he believes T1 to be a real douchebag in real life (he knows him personally and they train together).

T2 also said that he totally understands why I'd be distrustful of ALL therapists right now, especially one who's from the same school of thought as T1. He also said he understands why I'd want to check out a T3. I see T3 on Tuesday and am scheduled to see T2 next Wednesday. T2 said that if I see T3 and decide I want to cancel my session with him for the next day it's totally fine and there will be no cancellation fee. He said if I decide to fire him at any time because I feel he's too close to T1 or for any other reason that's totally fine and he will bear me absolutely no ill will. He said that he likes working with me but completely understands if I decide to fire him.

He said T1 is both incompetent and a coward and that he caused me great harm.

For the first time this morning, I felt some anger towards T1. I've started to write down some of the painful things he said to me that weren't even sexual--just judgmental and lacking in empathy. It's been helpful.

There's also the fact that I'll barely see my husband today or tomorrow because of his work schedule, so it's possible that I'm feeling relief that I won't have to do much play-acting for the next couple of days.

I DO feel disconnected from my husband over this, but I don't feel ready to tell him about it in any way.

Thanks for asking and thanks to everyone for being here for me.

Thanks for the update, Ramona. I'm so glad to hear you're feeling good at the moment.

It sounds like T2 is doing a pretty good job, actually.

I'm really pleased that you're feeling some anger towards T1 and that you're writing it down, too. I think that's a good idea.

I hope things continue to improve

I know the peace isn't here to stay, but I'd love to get one more "good" day out of this session. It gives me hope that I'm actually going to get free of this.

My God when I have a day like today--nothing extraordinarily exciting, but just a regular day where I don't feel like dying it is so disturbing to realize what's happened to me. It makes me see how badly he messed with me long before the sexual stuff. Granted, he may not have realized how desperate I was to please him and get his approval those first couple of years but there were so many times he said so many judgmental things that made me so upset.

And he was always interrupting me and criticizing the language I used. I'd say things like "after I lost that job it made me feel like such a loser..." or something and he'd interrupt me and say "no one can MAKE you feel anything..." There were other examples that I can't remember right now but I felt like I always had to watch the words I used and he was always cutting me off and correcting me and never just listening to me tell my story.

Or when I'd tell him that mindfulness didn't work for me and that I'd been trying it for years and it didn't work and he'd say "You mean it didn't work YET...you're very impatient..." And I'd say "But I've been having panic attacks for hours every day for years...."

Or when I told him over Thanksgiving how I was terrified of not having any contact with him for a week when he said he wouldn't be checking his email and I told him I was having very painfully strong sexual impulses and thoughts about him. He said "Well, you can just touch yourself or have sex with your husband."

So many painful things....

Oh, and I think it was also helpful that I was able to call T2 out on things without him getting all defensive. I said "I feel like you're judging me because I haven't told my husband" and he didn't freak out. I need to be able to express some criticism without my T freaking out.

And when I said I'm beginning to think that all kinds of mental health treatment are a total rip off scam crock of ****, he didn't freak out about that either.

I agree that it sounds like T2 is doing a pretty good job of trying to mop up T1's mess. I also understand why you might want to switch to T3 for several reasons. Please do not feel like you have to stay with T2. Keep up the good work and better feelings. We are here for you and I am amazed at how well you are doing even if it feels devastating at times.

This behavior has been very healing for me with my T. Her not freaking out or making the discussion about her.

i am so ****ing terrified of what's happened to me. To have a day like today was such a relief, but also made me look back on this 3.5 year nightmare with absolute terror.

Two months ago I was honestly and truly shopping for guns on the internet so I could blow my brains out over T1. Truly.

Inevitably (maybe even tomorrow) the wild longing for him will return. I am so terrified I let this person manipulate me and I'm so scared because I know I'll fall back into wild desire for him again. It's a very scary pattern in my life--I give people, groups, and organizations large amounts of money and then allow them to treat me VERY poorly, and then they blame me and say it's all my fault. This is something that has happened to me too many times for me to not pay attention to it.

I'm really scared about what's happened. I don't know if I can really trust ANY therapist ever again. I am scared of people all around right now. I let this man rip my heart to shreds and I could have died over it.

Its hard to learn how to trust when youre older. How do you go from trusting no one, to trusting everyone, to selectively trusting? The firt person you have to trust now is yourself. What baby steps can you take to do that?

It does sound like T2 is doing a much better job at actually being helpful than T1 ever did. It sounds to me like the reason you haven't been doing better these last few years isn't because you are a hopeless case but more because T1 really wasn't doing a good job even before the erotic transference became a problem.

Yes. He was a terrible therapist long before all of the sexual weirdness started. I wonder if I will finally feel better after all of these years now that I'm away from him. These have been the worst years of my life. Truly.

Woke up today with the wild sexual desire for T1 again but it hasn't completely destroyed my day. I thought I saw him walking across the street near his office and almost drove off the road, but it wasn't him. I sure do want to have sex with this idiot more than I've ever wanted to have sex with anyone in my life. This hot,...hot...IDIOT.

The fantasy is probably a lot hotter than what it would be like if it were to happen

I'm sure you're quite right. It's amazing how my mind swings back and forth though--knowing how much better my life is without him and then back to wondering where he is, what mundane thing he might be doing, and if he ever thinks of me. Back to missing him terribly and fantasizing that some day years from now we'll be together.

I just keep trying to remember what T2 said--that this person I think I'm "in love" with doesn't even exist.

Still. That initial reaction I had to him stroking the back of my hand--the most intense sexual experience of my life--it confounding to imagine that the person that set this off in me--that this is a person who I will never see ever again. Right now, in this moment, the longing is entirely back and I think that life is a very crazy joke.

I miss him a lot. I am so all over the place from one day to the next. I've had a couple good days where I've felt like a normal person and I know it's very much related to be away from him and from some help from T2. T2definitely has his flaws--he self-discloses too much, probably because he has had such intense experiences of his own and now has a very sick child which has to be the cruelest experience in the world. He is a very good therapist--some people who have suffered intense trauma are really good to talk to because they've known your level of darkness.

I could continue to work with him. He is a good person and has real therapy skills. I would be sad to lose him. He is a genuinely good guy, a non-creep, and an interesting person to talk to. I feel lucky that he's someone I've met in my life.

I'm pretty overwhelmed by the fact that I'm meeting T3 next week. I don't know where to even begin with her.

I really want to say thanks to everyone who has helped me here, over what's been--how long? Like a year and a half I think. At least. What an insane life experience. And the handful of you here who have been with me through this know more about my experience than anyone else in the world--than my therapist, my friends, my family, and anyone else. I might have honestly blown my brains out without the community here.

Glad that PC exists and you are here, Ramona. Hoping you find T3 helpful.
I asked someone I know who has written about and treated victims of therapist exploitation.

He gave me the names of a social worker, Nancy Avery, who is sensitive to these issues.
Mrs. Nancy Avery - Chestnut Hill MA, Clinical Social Worker

Also, Judith Herman (psychiatrist)

Dr. Judith Herman, Psychiatrist in Somerville, MA | US News Doctors

And
Maleah notman, md (psychiatrist)
https://cms.www.countway.harvard.edu/wp/?p=6879

T.E.L.L. Therapist Exploitation Link Line is based in Boston
TELL: Therapy Exploitation Link Line

These are folks who treat therapist exploitation. If they are not accepting patients, ask for a referral of someone who knows about therapist exploitation.
Hope these help give you some other options.

If you have other questions, you can contact Gary Schoener

Gary Schoener
Director, Consultation & Training
612-870-0565 x 107
grschoener@walkin.org

Found at-

Walk-In Counseling Center |

my current T bought me a copy of a book she wrote called Trauma and Recovery

I know you've got a T3 lined up and different approaches mesh better with different people. Just wanted to chime in here - when I looked into a new therapist, I found that the people who knew best about transference-countertransference were the psychoanalysts. At least in my case, it wasn't that my T did something that you could say was wrong/exploitative but he did not really know how to handle my feelings or his (whatever they had been). I wanted to see a psychoanalyst because I thought they'd be able to give me the best perspective into what happened in the dynamics between exT and I. Because certainly, I know that some of the torment I felt was because psychologically, I am not healthy and strong, and perhaps a stronger person would have not undergone what I did. At the same time, I hoped the analyst could give me perspective into how exT did not handle his countertransference and my feelings in a useful way, and help me to understand the reasons the therapy broke. Personally, I thought this would be the most helpful to me in moving forward in my therapy, and so far, 5 months into the new therapy, I have found this to be the case.

If you're curious, check out whether there are any good pyschoanalytic institutes in town. You can often find a psychoanalytically trained therapist through one. I started taking classes at one, and it's been enormously helpful as an adjunct to therapy - I can see the theory behind things a bit more and understand how exT could have addressed things more productively.