Trying to get out

You're probably right that he isn't a monster. He probably never meant for things to turn out this way. But, yes, I agree with lucozader - he knows what he did.

He could have chosen to get supervision for himself to help him handle this better. He chose instead to be selfish and dismissive of you. He tried to cover up this whole thing. He tried to blame you for it.

There were good reasons for why you made the hard but necessary choice to stop seeing him. You weren't really getting better with the way things were before. This difficult phase is part of the process of finally healing and making a better life for yourself.

Keep repeating to yourself: "he's a dork in dad shorts and sandals with pulled up socks just fumbling through life like everyone else" until you finally start to believe it. It will be hard at first, but slowly you will start to see that it's true.

This guy wasn't anything special or magical. Perhaps one reason why he let things go so wrong is because he KNOWS that he's just a dork in dad shorts and sandals with pulled up socks just fumbling through life like everyone else, and perhaps he couldn't resist letting you feed his ego so he could feel more special and important than he really is. Imagine if your husband was a therapist and a woman out there developed an erotic transference to him. I'm sure that to her, he would seem like some incredibly charismatic stud, but since you know who he really is you can see all the ways that he is not quite so perfect. I'm quite certain that if we could ask Eric's wife, she could give us a long list of all the ways who he really is falls short of the fantasy version of him you saw.

Such painful longing. I am so sorry.

I agree with Frack, Lucozader and southernsky.
He knows what he did.

A monster? Maybe not. But he's a terrible therapist. He fed off your adoration. He also fed off the fees you paid to see him three times a week for three and a half years.

Do you know it's considered "crisis therapy" to keep a client returning for two to three times a week? It's unconscionable that he let that continue for three, two- or even one year.
At the least, he has exploited you financially, and I am sure he knows that.
But he has hurt you so much more.

Last night I went to his wife's Facebook page again and it was full of new videos and photos that I'd never seen before. She was posting a lot of "X-many years ago today" photos, and it was T1 and her in Paris, Tanzania, Brazil, skiing most weekends in the mountains, visiting with adoring friends. Showing off their cute kids. Then I drank almost a bottle of wine, stood up to go to bed, then fell straight over passed out for a second and smacked my head on the floor. He had to help me to bed. He didn't say anything about it in the morning. I asked him if he was worried in any way about my excessive drinking of late. And he said that he had planned to talk to me about it later. He avoids all uncomfortable subjects.

Then I was feeling badly and texting with my sister and told her how bad I was feeling about my life (she doesn't know the T1 situation) and she got really angry because she's burned out of listening to me complain all the time about how miserable I am. She said it makes HER feel bad and she doesn't want to hear it anymore. I said I am sorry I burned her out and that I wouldn't text her for a while.

I have been trying to spread around my requests for support. I have four friends who know. Two of them have stopped responding to my texts--I think just because they're really busy with stuff in their own lives. It's tough. I don't think I'm going to tell my husband though. Not right now. I don't know when I'm going to.

I did have a good day and a half after seeing T2 last Wednesday so I'll see him again in a few days. He's also super busy and hasn't responded to the email I sent him Friday that I was doing really badly. He's got a sick baby and is super busy. I'm trying to make arrangements with a T3 but she's super busy and we keep missing each other over the phone.

I'm trying to stay positive and not drinking tonight. Things are pretty hard and I feel pretty isolated.

This is so hard, to be alone in dealing with pain like this. Big, big hugs.

Please, yes, stay positive if you can. You've done really well so far considering everything.

PS: Sometimes, shutting out the distress of people they love and avoiding uncomfortable topics is the only way some people know how to deal with their fear and anxiety for people they care about. It's easier to say we got busy or didn't have time, the reality might be partly that it is difficult for all of us to confront or acknowledge the levels of pain our loved ones might be in.

Facebook is like a highlight reel where most people only post the good things that happen to them, so I wouldn't use that as a basis for thinking the T1 family is actually happy or functioning well. Yes, they've gone on some lavish vacations and have had some kids...but yet it sounds like something isn't right if T1 is sneaking around on his wife encouraging attention from other women. Wouldn't you be upset if your husband was saying stuff to women at his job that led the women to think of him the way you think of T1? T1 encouraged this from you. I sure wouldn't want my husband doing that with other women.

I KNOW this about Facebook and still let it destroy me. Their pictures together are BEAMING. She speaks about taking him to see his favorite musician and getting him front row tickets and how "moved" he was by the performance. She seems fairly adoring of him. It makes me sick.

But you're right in that he DID encourage this longing in me and said MANY times that the "only" reason that we couldn't be together was because he was my therapist--no mention of his wife or my husband. Only because of therapy.

I do wish I could see him again right now. I had a couple of good days after last week's session with T2 and then fell off the cliff HARD.

Possible good news? I FINALLY got an appointment with T3--a female completely uninvolved with T1 and T2's circle. I see her next Tuesday.

Let us know how the third therapist goes

He said "This is what people DO in therapy. They talk about their sexual fantasies. It's a wonderful expression of your aliveness."

Yeah...there are many things wrong with the way he said that. If he said something like, "It's normal to talk about sex in therapy--feel free to share anything you want"--that's different. But the "aliveness" part?

Hope things go well with T3. Glad you're able to see her relatively soon.

Ummmmmmmmmmmm

The "aliveness" thing felt so accurate. I DID feel alive because of it. He said I had so much obsession with death and suicide and this was a wonderful expression of my aliveness and that desire is an expression of aliveness.

Maybe that was how he was trying to justify it to himself because he isn't a good enough therapist to know how to actually help you, but the comment about "aliveness" seems creepy and manipulative to me. I am glad you found a female therapist. I hope she can give a fresh perspective on this situation!

I feel like such a dope. Most of the time I STILL can't see the fault in the things he said. I guess I'm still pretty hypnotized by the guy. Every time I try to come to his defense and say "Oh, he justified it this way," people are like "That's even creepier than the last thing you said." I SERIOUSLY didn't know!

And I still get turned on by the idea that he wanted me sexually. I am feeling sexually dead without him. Like completely dead. It's like I was super excited and turned on by being used and manipulated by this guy. Like I LIKED it.

Idk, i still cant get past him "using" lesbian poetry on you. That seems like gender-cheating, ya know? Cuz then i'd be wondering, why are you using lesbian poetry on me? Does that bother anybody else? I know i should be more open-minded than to even SAY, hey thats lesbian poetry, but its not something that just falls into your lap - you kinda hafta seek it out, no? So...?

una I just laughed SO hard. Thank you for that. That is, for sure, the funniest thing ever written in the endless saga that is this thread. My god, what I wouldn't give to be able to go back and say "Ummmm....why are you using lesbian poetry on me?" lmfao

Tomorrow it'll be a month since I left. I woke up this morning with SUCH intense desire for him--just thinking about the things he said and did--creepy stuff and all and I just wan tto run up to his office bang on his door and throw myself at him. Not one single person I've told about this thinks there's anything hot or sexy or appealing about this situation and I am just COMPLETELY ENAMORED with the guy. I've seen him in his dork shorts and sandals on his wife's Facebook page and I'd still completely sell out in every way and go back to him if it meant he'd hold my hands and tell me how much he wishes he could be with me again. I don't think he'd do that anymore if I went back now, because I ruined it, but God am I longing for him--douchey statements, cultural misappropriation of lesbian poetry, lies, financial and emotional manipulation, judgments, criticisms, empty bank accounts and all. I am GAGA for this dude.

Now, the latest fantasy my brain has concocted came from researching the rules on patient-therapist contact after therapy, which says that it's OK for patients and therapists to have contact two years after termination. Now I'm like--if I just wait another year and 11 months, we can be together. I'm SERIOUSLY thinking that--just hanging on for 23 months and all of my sexual desires will come true.

Like, I would seriously let this dude do ANYTHING to me.

Thanks to all for your support on this thread. I could very well be dead without it.

I say hold onto this thought as long as you need to and as long as it keeps you away from him and talking to other T's. I think (hope) you'll find over these 23 months... that he is really nothing special and all that specialness is inside you. You just need to figure out what it was about him that allowed you to tap into it and how to tap into it with another. You may feel like "he brought this out of me" and in a way he did, but he is not anything special, what came out is inside you....

Dark humor, strong language...

Ramona,

I apologize if some of my responses have appeared terse and/or judgmental. I really want to be supportive, kind, soothing and helpful. You really deserve all of that-and more.

I have felt that longing for Pdoc -even after the worst had happened. I think it was at least a full year after I began to see my subsequent therapist (PrevT) that I even began to acknowledge Pdoc hadn't just made a mistake, etc. etc. Even after that first year I was only mildly angry for the longest time. I would be in session with PrevT and KNOW- "He did this and this...I 'should' be angry. Why am I not angry?" Or I would go back and forth with my feelings- experiencing ambivalence. I think my mind was protecting itself by not allowing me to feel all that anger, grief and betrayal at once.

Then I became furious.

I'm so damn angry about what happened to me and the choices I made...and I'm sooo mad at your ex T for being unethical and inappropriate with you. Sometimes it may seem like I'm on my soapbox regarding this topic, and I'm sorry.

I can't remember you being judgmental, but thank you for saying that.

I have NO anger towards him. ZERO. Like, I actually feel like IIII should call HIM to apologize. I wish I'd been able to hold my **** together. I could have had more of those amazing sessions. I wish I'd told him more fantasies, held his hands more times, told him more about what I wanted him to do to me. If I'd just been able to accept that that's all I could have I could have kept on going like this indefinitely. I could have had that connection and felt like a sexual being and felt excited and alive and like I cared what I look like (I don't anymore--what's the point?)

I SO desperately want him back in my life.

I have T2 tomorrow. It has been a very long week since my last session. I had originally planned to compose a letter on this subject to my husband, practice it with T2 tomorrow, and then tell my husband when I got home tomorrow night, but that's out the window. I'm not telling my husband--not for a very long time if at all.

I really like T2 and felt so much better for a couple days after my last session with him, but he definitely is too close to the situation. I'm very curious about what female T3 will say next week.

I think it's very common not to feel angry at and blame the other person for experiences like this, but turn the frustration toward the self. That's the anatomy of abusive relationships. You will likely eventually feel that anger like precaryous and others who were treated unethically in therapy and suffered the consequences. I imagine this is a bit like grief, has different stages as it's being processed. Seeing an independent female T3 is a really good decision, I think.

The anger will come.. I too felt lost and totally regretted my decision.. Felt guilty and like it was my fault.. Etc..

Precaryous said it took a year for her to feel the anger. Do you remember how long it was for you?

Chiming in, it was probably a few years later, after a 3 year long therapy, until i was glad i hadnt slept with that particular t. It took that long until i got the message - thats the only way i can describe it - i got the message that he really would have been taking advantage of the situation and of me. I still see him around town and still find him attractive, but its kinda like Brad Pitt knowing youre not gonna say no. Who freakin invented morals or whatever this is anyway? Braaaad!

I remember the exact moment.
I was still on speaking terms with Pdoc. PrevT had admitted me. She had me phone him while I was inpatient. He didn't know where I was. PrevT was taking notes while I talked to him. I asked how he was- he said something about someone was trying to "shake him down." I didn't understand what he was talking about. I didn't know he had been arrested for keeping a patient in his motel room against her will. The arrest was in our local paper and he thought I knew it.

I didn't find out about the arrest until I was released from the hospital and I read the article in the paper. It was a year to the month that Pdoc had first been intimate with me. It was the first time I realized there were other victims. He wasn't a good man who just made a mistake. Sexual intimacy wasn't really part of therapy. He was a predator. I was never getting my money back.

Confusing aspects of our relationship began to make sense. I was aghast.
Then I started to feel angry.