Trying to get out

Thanks for your replies. I was honestly shocked when the lady called back and said there might be a case here. One of the strangest things is how surprised I am when people say that T1 really did something wrong and that it's not all my fault. Like,...TRULY surprised every time. I also finally told my sister who said she'll support me in any way she can.

The lawyer's office is in NYC and I'm in Boston and the intake coordinator said they'd like to fly me in and have me talk to the head lawyer and I was like: "HUH? Does that mean he thinks there's actually a possible case?" She said: "I'm not a lawyer, but it would seem so."

I am definitely ambivalent. I swing between missing him so much and wanting to find out what was really happening and wanting to stand up for myself and say what he did was incredibly wrong.

Obviously, before I bring a lawsuit against the guy and fly out of the state for the day I'm going to have to tell my husband what happened. I've set up multiple interviews with marriage counselors, as my husband has agreed to see one with me. I figure, we go to the marriage counselor, find one we like, open up the lines of communication that have been pretty damn poor for years now, and then I tell him there.

I'm confused about the lawyer being out of state. Don't you have to file in the state where the therapist is licensed? Or does this lawyer handle several states?

Law firms often hire local counsel in the state where the defendant lives or where the incident at issue took place. One of the law firms heavily involved in the Church sex abuse scandal was based in Boston but hired local counsel to represent clients all over the US and iirc even abroad.

Big news: I told my husband about T1. I didn't share every gory detail but I told him the bulk of it. It will either be the end of our marriage or a new beginning.

Think long and hard about this. It was years before I could laugh again after starting my three cases.

If you decide to go forward with this, interview several lawyers before deciding on one.
I had a firm offer to fly me out of town to meet with their lawyer. I chose someone more local- you'll have many meetings with them if they take your case. Choose someone more familiar with your County and the judges there.

Back in the day my lawyer got 40% plus costs out of my settlement., not 33%. Ask them what percentage they will take out of the settlement if you win. Ask what they consider "costs?" Ask for examples. Ask about their success rate. Have they ever won a malpractice case involving therapist/patient exploitation? Ask how many malpractice cases they handle in a year. Do they specialize in Medical malpractice? Will anyone else have a lien on your settlement? What costs will you be expected to pay? Ask these questions.

Please don't chose someone just because they flash an airline ticket.
You also might be better off with a female lawyer, too.

If you seek a civil attorney, ask them when it might be better to file a civil case- before or after a possible divorce. Ask if your husband might have a lien on any settlement.

Apologies for being blunt. Going through a rough patch myself and don't mean to be off-putting, sincerely.

Wow, that's a big step! How did he react? Is he still willing to go to counseling?

Well, I think it went about as well as it could possibly go. I had spent the afternoon crying in my car and staying away from the apartment because I couldn't stand to be in the same room with him anymore with the lying. My IBS has been back severely and I actually slightly **** myself and had to go buy new pants and underwear before I went home. We put the baby to bed and I told him that I needed to talk to him about something that was weighing heavy on my heart.

I told him most of what had happened--a lot of the things T1 said, how a few friends, this group and T2 helped me get away and that I was very very sorry and would go to a hotel for the night if he wanted me to.

The first thing he said was "that guy shouldn't be allowed to see another patient ever again" and then the second thing he said was that he realized that the time frame I told him about when the really intense stuff started happening with T1 was the same time that he and I had started having lots of great sex and now he felt like it was all about T1 and not about him at all.

He also said he was glad he didn't know where T1 was right at that moment because he'd like to punch him in the face.

He said he would need some time to figure out how he felt about all of this. He went to talk to his therapist and came back and said his therapist said to him that what T1 did was tantamount to rape without the actual sexual contact and that I was completely manipulated and taken advantage of.

Yesterday was strangely, mostly normal. We talked more about the whole thing at dinner and he was so horrified and sad. I told him I thought that he would want to leave me and he said he didn't understand why I would think that because he loves me so much. He said he is ****ing terrified about how close I came to blowing my brains out.

He really wants me to go to T3 and definitely wants T1 reported and his license yanked and said he will support me in any way he can.

I don't know what this means for our sex life. I had already left a message with a potential marriage counselor on Friday but hubby's T thought I should take some time to T3 on my own before we went into couples counseling.

There's obviously quite a bit up in the air.

Woke up longing for T1 again this morning even with all this grossness coming out into the open.

It definitely wasn't the horror show I thought it would be. Both my husband and I take a long time to react to things so I think we'll see more about how things shake down over the coming week.

It sounds like you have a very supportive and loving husband.

I'm glad that your husband was able to handle this information in a reasonable manner -- going to his therapist to process it was an excellent move on his part. It sounds like you have a very solid partner. I really hope he is able to be a support for you during this transition.

Sounds like, as you said, it went as well as could be expected. That's great that he went and talked to his T about it, too. Sounds like he's being as supportive as he can be right now, which is great. I feel like it would be better for you to get into marriage counseling sooner rather than later to help you process this together. Especially if, as you said, H (and you) tend to have delayed reactions to things. It might help you to have someone to talk to together if that does happen. Hang in there. Hugs...

And my longing for T1 has become weirdly, exponentially amped up this morning. Maybe because I'm getting further and further away from him by telling my husband, looking into reporting and possible legal action, etc.

It kills the fantasy that maybe some day on down the line, perhaps we could be together. I know it's not a healthy fantasy, but it's one I've lived off of for a very long time.

Yup.......

Panic is so intense today. So much pain in my chest. I have this thing where everything I do or think is somehow contextualized by him--what would he think of this, what would he say in response to this. It's like he's in my head all the time, judging me, telling me I'm crazy, hurting my heart, teasing me, dangling affection and then ripping it away. I wish he would go.

Here sitting w/ you Ramona
I know this is a lot...and so very hard.

I was very frightened to ask T3 to see me again after cancelling with her twice. I wrote her yesterday and she wrote me back saying that of course she would see me again, but for me to think very carefully, first, about what I actually wanted, and to not go back and see her just because my husband or his therapist told me to. She wrote that this was a choice to be made for myself about what I really want to do.

Having such a hard time. Seeing T2 tonight. Interviewing two marriage counselors this afternoon. I wish the panic and overwhelming sadness would dissipate a little.

are the klonopins helping take the edge off any?

Like not at ALL. Just make me sleepy.

Maybe you need a different benzo, like Ativan or Xanax?

And how did it go with T2?

I cried and cried and cried and cried and CRIED. I told him I can't get T1 out of my head--that he's in there all the time telling me what to do to manage my panic--all these things that he told me to do that didn't work--all these thoughts about the things that he said.

T2 said to speak back to him repeatedly and tell this voice over and over again: "You are FIRED. Nothing you suggested was helpful to me. You did not help me. You HURT me. That's why you are FIRED. Your input is no longer welcome. You are FIRED FIRED FIRED."

I asked him what to do about the part of me that still longs for him and misses him. He reminded me that the person I'm "in love" with doesn't actually exist--that the person I created as this ideal partner in T1 is not who he actually is in real life--that that person doesn't exist. He said to remind myself that it's OK to be sad about it.

He also encouraged me to keep talking to my husband, every night, about this situation. T2 says I still have a lot of anger towards my husband for not recognizing what was happening, or if he did recognize it, not doing anything to stop it.

I am SO tired. My digestive system is a MESS. T2 also said it's time for me to start eating more because it sounds like I'm barely eating anything and that screws up your nervous system too. He also said no more than 2 glasses of wine a night. "Sip slowly and make them last," he said.

I drank a whole bottle Tuesday night and paid for it dearly yesterday.

I have told T1 that he's fired about 60 times in my head today. T2 says keep going and that he wants to check in with me by phone tomorrow. I was a real mess in his office yesterday.

I found a marriage counselor but he's on vacation next week so my husband and I are going to see him the week after that. He sounded very nice and normal when I spoke to him on the phone--but I also remember thinking that exact same thing when I first called T1 and after my first session with him. I am SO leery of therapists right now.

I don't have a session set up with T3 yet because she strongly cautioned me to not make an appointment with her just because my husband and his therapist think I should. She said it's very important that I come in willingly and not because I was "coerced."

The marriage counselor sounded pretty horrified by my situation with T1 and actually apologized on behalf of the entire profession. He also suggested a possible T4 for me because I told him that T2 is still someone connected to T1 and that T3 is very far away and difficult to get to. T4 is female and works in his building and he said is someone who is very warm and kind. So much up in the air right now.

I highly recommend seeing a number of different therapists in person before deciding on any one of them to settle on.

I saw 5 different therapists one after another over the course of a few weeks after S (ex T) before finding J (new T).

So deeply ****ing sad. Still missing this man who didn't care if I blew my brains out. Rocked my baby to sleep tonight crying about this lost "love" that was just a perversion of my childhood loneliness. Sometimes I truly do have to drink to feel like life is bearable. Drinking makes life bearable.

It sounds like you're getting closer to getting to the root of what this is really about. That's a good thing.

The whole thing is just really humiliating. I feel humiliated. It's a weird thing to have happen to you. And on top of it I still miss him--or at least the fantasy of who I thought he was. I wanted to escape my life into something exciting with someone I perceived as more "adult" and ambitious and someone who turned me on like crazy. I don't like the idea of not being around this person that turned me on ever again. It's so devastating.