Trying to get out

I'm so sorry, ramona, that this is so difficult. Can you imagine that you could ever go back enjoying that sexual arousal and the relationship with T1 after all this?

I suppose I CAN imagine that which is why I asked for another appointment this week. He still hasn't responded.

Oh thank god he JUST responded while I was writing the last message and said he just read both my emails today. He said:

"I'm just getting both your emails now. I can hear how confusing and painful this decision process is for you. I'll plan on seeing you on Friday."

Argh, I feel very apprehensive about this!

Sending love to you, Ramona. I don't think any of this is your fault, but I agree with colours that you seem like someone who is capable of great strength - I hope that's something you can call upon.

I definitely need to call upon my strength right now. He didn't respond to the first email at all, only the second one requesting a new appointment.

I want to say... Don't do it! But I know you won't listen!

"I can hear how confusing and painful this decision process is for you." Eurgh! I hate him so much! He's not hearing bloody anything! The smug bastard! 😡

Well, that is his interest. I find his reaction quite dismissive. You still have a few days to think about it.

Keep an eye.out for manipulation tactics. I know certain relationships can blind us to the giant red flags waving about.

I've read all my emails that were exchanged between my former T.and myself. Upon reading them 8 years later, I can see much clearer the coercion and manipulation he used

Yeah, that sounds so much like generic therapist speak...and seems very patronizing. it could be he doesn't want to discuss that stuff over e-mail.

You know, you should take a copy of the e-mail with you to your appointment. And maybe part of the journal/log you're keeping for T2. Not necessarily to show him, but to have there with you to help you remember what's so upsetting to you. To keep from him pulling you back under his spell/control.

Yeah, he's pretty condescending. Unfortunately he holds some sort of key to my heart right now. It's gonna be really hard for me to step away. I'm hoping I can cut back to every other week. I think I can do it.

Oh, Ramona! (((Safehugs)))

Jones, R. (2017, January 22). On a break. Psych Central. Retrieved from https://forums.psychcentral.com/5469688-post1.html

Yup, it's the last paragraph that keeps me stuck.

When I tell myself I'm never seeing him again, I go into a level of panic and misery that is too intense for me to bear right now.

He's acting super douchey, so it makes no sense that I'm attracted to him for being kind and caring anymore. It's just these wild sexual feelings that I've never gotten to experience before that keep me going back to him.

It's the financial "using" of me that bothers me the most. Because I'm so sexually hooked on him I actually LIKE the idea that he's getting off on hearing my fantasies. But the guy has bled me dry financially. Cutting back from twice a week to twice a month will substantially affect his paycheck.

Aw, thought it would give you some hope, positive thoughts to hold on to.

Wishing you strength to get through this. It wont be forever!

That is a sickening thought...that he is exploiting you.

Even though being objectified fulfills a need you have, you can still harness the part of you that wants you to be respected and be treated well. Maybe you can try to be more in that part of yourself.

Why do you think you enjoy being sexually objectified and used? I wonder if it goes deeper than what you said earlier about feeling attractive or wanted. Can you explore this with T2? It might be helpful to access deeper motivations; coming from a really young place, I suspect...

It's hard, but you can do this.

Another perspective I just thought of: you are paying him a lot of money (that makes you struggle financially) to hear your fantasies and to co-create that sexual tension. And then you can even transfer that resulting sexuality into your personal life. Basically, buying the arousal. Does that have maybe some element that you would like to have power over him, and when he does that (like recently), it puts you in so much pain? Just an idea, might be completely off and sorry if it sounds too provocative.

Yes, absolutely EVERYONE I've told about this says "this sounds very young." It's me at 12, being told over and over again how ugly I was by the boys in class, that I looked like a freak, that my parents were abusive for "letting you walk around looking like that," that every body I asked to the dance said "no." It's me at 12.

And I was in this 12 year old place after that job rejection that originally set off this depression, and then suddenly this handsome, successful man touched my hand and called me back into his room to make sure I would be safe while he was gone and I was DONE for--swept away! And then when I told him about all of it two years later and he read my love poems and said we could be together mentally, emotionally and spiritually, my body EXPLODED.

He is TERRIBLE at therapy. He always has been. That's why I never got any better from seeing him. He's just genuinely bad at it. It's his second career. He used to be in international finance and has his MBA degree on the wall under his PhD and MFT. He's just bad at therapy. But I went to him twice a week for years just to be close to him. And there is a part of me that CANNOT BEAR giving him up--like truly cannot bear it.

I DO think that I can cut back to twice a month for now. The inner child in me calms down a little bit when I say "we'll see him in a couple weeks," but she absolutely WILL NOT stand for "we're never seeing him again." She can't bear it.

T2 has said in the past (although now he just says DON'T go back there) that if I'm going to keep going to him I need to look at him as a sparring partner because this is a chance for me to learn about defending myself against someone who is hurting me, which is something that I never learned how to do.

That email response was GROSS, right? "I hear how painful and confusing all of this is for you." He takes no responsibility whatsoever. It's just crazy little old me just not understanding how things work. He's the WORST.

This has always bothered me the most in my case. I paid him $$$ to exploit me!
My insurance paid a part of his fee, I paid the balance!

Also, Pdoc asked if he could hold onto my $5,000 for me fearing I would spend it all in a spree. (This was money Medicare paid me that they owed after my disability went through.)

Like a dummy, I agreed. He said he would dole it out to me as needed. He offered to "have his attorney draw up an agreement." Like an ***, I declined! I didn't even contact an attorney of my own!

I never got the money back. I lived in a housing project. I had a minor daughter at home to take care of. I was poor! $5,000 was/is a lot of money to me!

I kick myself every day. What was I thinking!?
Obviously, I was not thinking. I trusted him.

Eventually, in the civil case, he told my lawyer that I was a "known prostitute." I have never!
And if I *had* been a prodtitute, the wrong person got paid!

Ramona, dont see this guy anymore. You will regret it, like I do.
You are better than this. You are under his spell. Stop, now.

This is why I live in a mobile home owned by my brother. This is why my inheritance went into a trust fund doled out by my family...it didn't come to me. My family does not trust me with large sums of money. I don't blame them after the choices I have made!

Now I'm in a dependent relationship with my family, eternally infantalized.

Ramona, I'm 62 years old. I've never been independent. Don't be me!

I am going to break free of this man. But I can't tell you guys the PANIC AND DESPERATION I feel when I tell myself I can never see him again. The best I can do right now is cut back to twice a month. I am waking up and I'm really fighting hard, but I'm not free yet. I don't have the supports in place to walk away yet. I don't want to leave the situation in this state of powerlessness. When I leave, I want to feel powerful, like I've said what I need to say. I am going to be ****ed up over this for a very long time and I know this. Right now I just don't think it's safe to walk away yet. I see T2 tomorrow night and I'm hoping he can help me come up with a plan.

It's funny (not funny but strange) that it's taken me so long to realize that he was/is using me financially. I've always thought "but he's giving me a sliding scale discount--$50 off his regular fee! I'm very lucky! He's being very generous!" But he's been seeing me twice a week for over three years. He's made tens of thousands off of me. My husband and I are broke and I'm in massive student loan debt. I never ever thought of him using me financially, but now I realize that I've been a real cash cow--twice a week for three years and I NEVER miss an appointment! When I first told T2 about all of this the part that blew him away the most was the 2x/week sessions. That's what first raised his eyebrows about this whole thing. He knows T1 professionally and has worked with him for years and I know has thought of him up to this point as a good guy, but when I told him about the money and the 2x/week sessions that's when he was like "That's not appropriate. He should have put a stop to that a LONG time ago."

At one point when I was really struggling, T1 actually suggested THREE times a week!

I have so many memories of T1 being very kind to me so it's really hard for me to accept that he's been manipulating me for my money.

Yes, I think there is some truth to this. I think part of me likes that I got him to cross the line--that makes me think that I must have some sort of sexual power to have led him to say as much as he did and act so carelessly.