Trying to get out

I think I'm realizing that a big part of this has to do with avoiding living my life. Therapy has pretty much taken over my life. And I now fear that without it my life is empty. This isn't how it's supposed to be at all. I don't think that I engineered it this way, but I think that with T1's incompetency and me in a vulnerable situation this whole thing with him has become a way for me to escape from a life where I'm unhappy. I hate my job, I go through a lot of creative rejection, I'm 40, I'm in debt for life for student loans, there's loneliness and isolation in new motherhood, I don't have a ton of close friends and we have no family anywhere near by, I live in an outrageously expensive city and everything is SO hard. I think this massive distraction presented itself when I was very vulnerable and now it gone completely haywire.

Ouch. I relate to that so strongly.

Yes, I had periods like that as well. I was not in therapy during most of them but definitely had a tendency to hold onto and obsess with whatever little interaction I could get, often with a single person rather than a variety. It really isn't healthy. It's one reason why I liked the idea of those peer meetings that were suggested to you earlier - if I were you, I would give it a chance and actually prioritize and ask T2 for a different appointment time. I used various meetings as help for my addiction and they helped more than any therapist ever did. It's also a nice and easy way to make new friends with people who understand these weird issues that sound bizarre to many. Also, if you get involved, you will be interacting with and helping others with similar problems, which can be great to pull us out of self absorption. And not to the least, they are free of cost!

(((Xynesthesia))) youre so right. I was doing coda and acoa meetings for a while. Listening to peoples stories - you could almost visualize the power? ensnaring them in their situations - it helped me a lot.

I've had a couple of bad experiences with Alanon but I'd definitely be willing to try CODA. I'll see if T2 can give me a different time next week.

Yes, definitely not all meetings are good and the groups can differ widely. I guess it's just like anything in social life, I also had some negative experiences. What they usually suggest is that you keep trying different groups to find the ones that fit. And even then, mix with people who appear sympathetic, there are jerks everywhere and it's best to just ignore them.

Tomorrow I'm scheduled to see T1 AND T2. Every time with T1 might be my last. Toying with not going but because I'm such an addict I'm guessing I probably will go. I will try to stay aware and present during the session and not let him throw me. I will try to see him for who he is.

Ramona, I have been struggling with my own T right now in a different way. But I was exactly where you are now, 15 years ago. I did survive, and it was hard, but worth it. And it absolutely impacted my marriage, which I regret immensely. I am just happy it stopped when it did. It has taken me all these years - and another intense, but not 'bad' T relationship, to realise that the reason these situations are so compelling is that they are FAMILIAR. It's related to the trauma bond stuff and transference that have been referenced here, and I want to throw one more word in the ring: reenactment. I realised last week
that my pull to current T is so much about a familiar dynamic, and that for me, that dynamic is so dangerous and destructive, no matter who is on either side of it and why.
It also freed me from angsting over who is good and who is bad and who has done what to whom to just see that the *dynamic* is the problem. Not the people. Somehow it's easier to get distance from that place.
I don't know if it will be helpful to you, but thought it was worth putting out there. Thinking of you and feeling your pain x

You are so right on--it is SO familiar. Like my dad, he doesn't intend me pain but causes me immense amounts. He is dismissive and defensive, but also clearly threatened. He puts it all on me. He's done NOTHING wrong in his opinion but also wants to cover his ***. He says things that make no sense. He misinterprets and corrects my language and avoids the subject and steers the conversation to whatever is more comfortable for him. It is VERY familiar.

The worst part is that he wasn't always like this. He used to be warm and kind, which makes me feel like I'm at fault for creating this. It is exhausting. i know I will feel so drained after going today, but I'm also pretty sure that I'm going. I could cancel but then I'd have to pay that cancellation fee again. If I go at least I can get reimbursed by insurance. Is that really worth it for how badly I'll feel afterwards? Probably not, but I think I'm still going. It is such an unhealthy situation.

Ramoana,

Your situation is not going to change until you change it.
Don't go.

Feels like my life is SO empty I can't live without him.

What can you do to change something, anything around that? Instead of focusing your energy on him, can you find something you are thankful for to focus on? Practicing gratitude is often a great start to filling the emptiness.

I've tried that a LOT. That's one the main things T1 recommends. It just makes me feel like **** because I've got so much to be grateful for and am still violently depressed. It makes me feel like I'm ungrateful and selfish on top of everything else.

Here's what worked for me to help me take that first step to get away from my enmeshed past t relationship: Xanax. I know it's not a long term solution, and I didn't take it with the intention that it would help me get away, but it did. I couldn't think my way out of it, it was like my physiology was so wired that the agitation was somehow keeping me there.

It makes sense, in retrospect. There are all sorts of studies that show that fear depeens trauma bonds and makes people cling even more. Do you have a p doc you could see? I didn't tell mine it was T, just that I was involved in a very messy relationship that was causing me a huge amount of anxiety, and that I felt this anxiety was short term (hence the need for the benzo).

Once I had calmed down a bit and could think straighter, everything slowed down, including the life and death pressures to see her, and I was able to step out of the whirlwind emotions and make some sane decisions. Also, you don't have to commit to never going back. Just the next appointment, then take it one day/minute at a time.

From what you've said about your relationship with your dad, it sounds like you are caught in a repeat pattern or desperately trying to get the good dad/t back again, even though it's clear he's not ever going to be the person you really need.

Oh, and I'm hooked into an inconsistent, once-present-but-now-withholding T right now myself.

I can feel it stirring up familiar feelings of desperation to get the connected T back again, at all cost, and the expense of all else. It's a powerful pull, probably because for little kids, it's survival.

And it's utterly obsessive - probably also because our primitive brains and nervous systems can't settle til we've got the caretaker back in the job they are supposed to be doing - taking care of us: regardless of whether they are up to the job or not.

This current situation with my T is nothing like past bad T, and this T is not doing a thing to feed the connection right now. Former T was like yours: bad boundaries, sexual overtones, too intimate and then pulling way back when I made it all visible by bringing it into the room.

But I can see what is being triggered for me this time around as things go on. And despite 'knowing' better, I am still snared. I was going to leave, but am going to try to be brave enough to talk with him next week - not to try and change him, but to try and learn something.

But I am also aware he is relatively safe, if not a bit confusing. My bad T wasn't safe and things were too far gone. I think it is the same with your T - not safe to work things out with him.

Also, as hard as it is, please don't feel bad about your H and baby. It doesn't mean you love them any less. Just, paradoxically, that you have a healthier relationship with them and there's less crazy to pull you in. Guilt and self blame won't get you anywhere good. Just more entangled in the unhelpful dynamic, which is entirely out of your control right now. If anything, you deserve a massive amount of self compassion for the pain that this is bringing you, and for the way it is impacting your life. You didn't ask for this, it was delivered on you by a caregiver whose behaviour left you with confusion and crazy that is impossible for a child to make sense of.

Thinking of you

(((Slowandgentle))) omg i got xanax then too. It was all part of hitting bottom. I could not physically move ie take a single step without crying, and i needed to move out of my apartment and into my mothers attic. After i was away from bad t(/pdoc) for a year or so, i was able to get off xanax. But yeah it was big time attachment and abandonment issues. At the time, i didnt know what attachment was, but i did know what abandonment was.

I just fired him. I went to my session. And fired him. It's over. I mean it's not even a LITTLE bit over for me. But it's over with him. I wanted to end feeling powerful, but I ended sobbing and telling him how much I'll miss him. Now I feel numb. I am very scared.

WAH! I'm so bloody proud of you!

Hang in there..this is a big step . What do you need right from us now?

Wow, that was really brave of you! Your deciding to leave is a statement of power on its own. Can I ask how he reacted?

Have you told T2 about it? Maybe he could help support you right now?

((((Ramona))))

It will be empowering in the long run, please hang in there and tough it out. The xanax may be a good idea...

Sorry I cant be around here as much anymore, but im still rooting for you and wishing you the very best.

R, so so proud of you. Sending you hugs and well wishes. I think after a long time you took care of yourself in a very significant way, in a way that only you could, when he was not being helpful anymore. You are still going to feel bad for a long time, but you will get better, I think. There might be days when the loss seems overwhelming, but there could even come a time when you go the whole day without thinking of him. Feel free to pm me if needed. Cry as much as you need about it, and talk to someone who can help you process everything. It helped me even to take a break from therapy entirely for a month and live like normal people, instead of constantly being immersed in therapy.

You are so brave! Very proud of you!

Keep in touch with your support systems whether they are your husband, Pdoc, T2 and here with us on PC.

Contact T.E.L.L if you haven't already. They can help you- they know about therapist exploitation...they know about T's who are just crumby T's.

PM me. You can rant, rave or cry. I am here for you.

Wow, good job. You did the right thing. It won't be easy at first, but nothing worthwhile comes easily.

Wow! Just wow. Good girl!
Well done Ro, that was sooo very brave. Now you have to give yourself time.
Be gentle with yourself and make small plans only a day at a time.
Only an hour at a time if needs be.
So much respect for you right now.
Take Care, peace.

That is a huge and wonderful step forward, ramona! You won't regret it in the long run.