Trying to get out

I don't think I ever want to have sex again.

All that passion you had wasn't created by him - it was you. Nothing has changed now except that now you have a chance to channel the passion and fantasies in a healthier direction.

People keep telling me that but I don't get it. I feel like my body's been unplugged. ALL of the good feelings came as a reaction to interactions with him.

I think that makes total sense. If I remember correctly didn't you say that T1 was a release from all your stress and anxiety? That stuff can really kill your sex life, and thinking of T1 took you away from all of it, like a drug, as you said.

You will find the passion again, I'm sure. You haven't lost it, but you no longer have fantasies of T1 as the door you can drop all your baggage at, so your desire has gotten buried again.

I just wanted to say you're doing great. You showed so much power in your final session, regardless of how weak you're feeling.

Is it really so bad to be 'unplugged', ramona? I know I find the hypersexuality associated with my erotic transference to be a pain in the arse - I feel like a teenage boy must feel... nothing will ease it and I get excited at the most awkward of times... or sometimes just... all the time. I wouldn't miss it if it went away.

I agree that you're doing great, by the way. I'm cheering you on...!

What luc said above is what I have been thinking as well even though I've never experienced the strong ET described here in therapy. It reminds me of addiction and the early stage of recovery again, when I had very intense, kinda insane cravings for the chemically altered state and the escape it provided, even knowing full well that it came at a very high cost and had myriads of negative consequences. Like luc described for her ET feelings, I would have given a lot for those cravings to disappear for good, but at the same time I wanted to satisfy them so badly that I could not focus on anything else when I was in that state. Of course an addictive type desire will never be truly be satisfied and yet it persists, as though part of the self lived in a sort of alternate reality.

Ramona, I'm thinking that you are probably going through a similar process to recovery from an addictive habit and things won't turn brilliant overnight. It's hard, but you have done so well stopping and staying that way. It's a one-day-at-a-time process

Monday was AW-FUL. I cried ALL morning. Then I sobbed my entire drive to work, then I pasted on a happy face for a few hours and sobbed the whole way home. Tuesday I finally got an article published that I've been trying to get published for a VERY long time, and it got picked up by huge outlets for syndication and got me bylines for some very big named magazines and I had people I hadn't talked to in years writing me saying the story and my picture popped up on the front page of their Yahoo feed and other places, then I was showered with praise by a couple hundred Facebook friends after I shared the story. I REALLY NEEDED IT THIS WEEK. REALLY. REALLY. REALLY. A LOT. It helped. I guess all of the rejection in my life has made me feel SO desperate to be seen and heard.

It IS hard for me to be unplugged. I hear what lucozader is saying about how the cravings can be incredibly painful and how you just want them to go away. I guess what I've been chasing are those few times when T1 fed my addiction and I would have several days in a row where I felt incredibly alive and my body felt so much pleasure.

It's true that the constant yearning for him is not a good feeling. It's a horrible feeling. I guess that's coming to light a bit in my head now, but if I hadn't had that big writing success this week I don't think I would have come out of Monday's funk. So, this new success will feed me for a couple of days, and then what?

I DID have sex with my husband last night because I was feeling so good about the article. It wasn't bad, but it certainly wasn't how it's been when I was full on drenched in my obsession with T1. I'm really relieved I have T2 today.

Sure wish I could crank out a big successful article every week, but this one took me almost two years to get out there!

Yes, there are some positives to being unplugged, but there are some huge negatives. I've spent most of my life unplugged, unable to feel pleasure. I don't want that for my future.

One new thing I'm trying is instead of thinking about T1, I've been thinking about a cute guy at work that I realized I sort of have a crush on. Don't worry there's NOTHING going to happen there, but it does help me a little to transfer some of my excited feelings to someone else. It's nowhere NEAR the intensity of T1, but it's fun to crush on someone sometimes.

Yesterday was a good day. I hope I can have more of those. I really really truly do.

Well, I saw T2 today. He says he's getting supervision specifically for my case, and that he's conferred with more colleagues, and that T1 has to be reported. He said he has to be reported for malfeasance and incompetence--that he may not qualify to be reported for sexual misconduct, but that he must be reported for incompetence. He says he is still conferring with colleagues and his supervisor about whether it's best for me to make the initial report or for him to do so. What a miserable **** show. I am so tired. I don't want any of this.

Hey Ramona

I so haven't forgotten you, I've been reading your posts all week and cheering you along from the sidelines...have just been caught up in one thing and other.

First off, well done for breaking free. You have done SO well. I know how life-and-death it can feel, but you have chosen sanity and a sane future. I know those are probably empty words right now, but they will mean something one day.

And well done for your achievement: it's a reminder that you are still the strong, capable person who can get stuff done in the world. That's the bit of yourself you need to side with right now.

About T2 and all...I know you have had nigglings of this already, but I am going to say it straight: I fear you are about to get caught up in other peoples' agendas and dramas. This is your hurt, your pain, your precious heart. Their anger and self righteousness is not what you need right now. I had exactly the same situation - I ended up falling out of enmeshed-T's nest straight into a whole bunch of interconnected people who had a lot to say and a whole lot of their own agenda about what should be done to T, when and how.

My advice is, walk away from all that for now. Find a T or support of some kind with absolutely no connection with T1, no axe to grind, no need to prove themselves as above it all or to use your pain as their own fuel. Walk away and just take care of you and your hurt and your pain the way you care for your baby. Be gentle and kind and patient with yourself, and put anger aside for another day. It will still be there for you when you're in a stronger, more grounded place. For now, just take very good care of you, soothe the desperately sad bits of yourself and slowly reconnect with all the amazing things in your life that are waiting for you xxx

Oh boy...I can relate to this...to a lot of what you are going through, actually. I have a very similar thing going on with my male T. I see so much of myself in some of the comments you make. The opening up of sexual desire like I've never really known before, the need for attention from a man other than my husband, the want to be wanted. The need for excitement. Life is boring without the thrill.

Somehow I have been able to escape having major pain over this. It's been going on for almost 2 years. Although my T has been the catalyst for the sexual feelings, I also feel like they are all within me and owned by me and his role has been to trigger them and remind me of my own sexual power....if that makes sense?

Maybe there is a way to own and keep the feelings of excitement he brings out in you without having him be attached to them anymore? They all originate within you!

I forgot to add...about the supervisor? I had to leave my T2 upon discovering that T1 and T2 were both seeing the same supervisor at the same time and both were consulting about me. Both were trying to keep me. It was at that point that I realised I was involved in some weirdo childhood re-eneactment that really had absolutely nothing to do with me, my welfare, or anything that was in my interests.

This post perfectly expresses my view as well:

You have done so well, ramona. That reporting thing is something I would only engage in if I felt it would help me personally at this stage. Otherwise it really might end up being caught in a drama of conflicts and competitions between therapist that have nothing to do with you except using your experience in it. If you do feel that your experience with T1 was like an addiction, the best solution may be to get away also from the context that was associated with it and might trigger the feelings. You might be able to revisit it safely at a later time if you want to, but as long as your experience is so fresh, keeping in touch with it, even if indirectly, might complicate it further and create new resentments.

Thirding this. Really good advice.

I also agree with this.
I have been through this before. Do it only if you feel it will directly help you.

My experience with it was it only prolonged and repeated the trauma. The licensing board case (and all the litigations) also interfered with making any progress in therapy. PrevT (the good T after AbusivePdoc) and I would be talking about child abuse or some other important emotional issue- and litigation would break in. I would find out things like, the police or medical licensing board would contact me to say AbusivePdoc had given the police incorrect addresses, mailed medical licensing board correspondence had been returned, AbusivePdoc took bankruptcy which puts a stay on all depositions and fact-finding...etc. over and over. I was continually putting out fires.

I think I said before to find a T outside T1 and T2's sphere of influence. If T1 is a well-known, important and influential therapist, things are going to get messy, fast. T1 will find ways to blame you, out you and make your life miserable. You will react to that, and it will eat up hours of therapy time.

You will be asked to meet with the licensing board and give your statements. Some investigators will believe you, some will not.

Personally, for me, I would never do this again.

You realize T2 is conferring with others discussing how to mitigate the damage of anything HE has done or should have done, also.
HE won't tell you that.

He doesn't want reported or sued, either.

You don't have to do any of this then. You are not obligated to report t1 unless or until you are ready to do so. T2 should not be pushing this on you. If you aren't ready to report t1, t2 pursuing this is only going to make your life more complicated and miserable. Tell him you need time to grieve and get clear headed from what all just happened with t1 and then you will think about reporting him. T2 needs to respect what you want, not what he wants.

I agree with others that you might think about getting another t to deal with this situation since t2 is has been too involved from the get go. Might help to get an outsiders clean perspective on everything. If you do look for another t, you might look to find a t who has experience in helping clients through the reporting process. These t's typically have impeccable knowledge around ethics and boundaries and can provide some keen insight into your situation with both t1 and t2.

I am so tired. SO tired and sad. I don't want any of this. I heard a song in the grocery store this morning that was my favorite from a few years ago before I had my breakdown in the first place. I remember how happy I used to be. How much FUN I used to have. How I used to be happy to be alive. I really don't know that I'll ever be able to get back to that place. I am EXHAUSTED.

My heart hurts.

It's ok, Ramona, it really is. It's grief.
As painful and hard and dark as it is, it will run its course and you will have your life back.
You'll probably miss T dreadfully for a long time. But you'll find a place for that and be able to get back to real life, too.
Take it a minute at a time, be gentle and kind to yourself and just care for yourself. There's nothing more to be done right now.
For me, there was terrible pain, hurt and longing, awful dark thoughts and feelings and just a complete inability to function in the world. These were the worst feelings I have ever had, probably because they weren't just about T: there were so many other sadnesses and failed caregivers rolled up in feelings of him. It was like a lifetime of pain.
Just stay safe. Turn to your amazingly understanding and supportive husband and draw on his strength. Keep writing here. And know this too will pass.
Listen to the exhaustion: it's trying to tell you to slow down and just be very still and quiet for now. Not forever, just for now.

I think I do need a break from all of it, T2 included. I don't want to talk about T1 anymore. I'm in mourning. T2 wants me to compile a list of all the inappropriate things T1 did and when they happened and I just can't do it right now. I can still report him a month from now. I really need to focus on something else. I have a whole novel to rewrite. That month I took off from therapy back in January was the happiest I've been in a while.

T1 STILL hasn't sent me my billing statement for March so I can submit it to my insurance for partial reimbursement. He's always very prompt with them and emails them on the first of the month. I REALLY hope he's not going to make me bug him about it. I'd rather not have to contact him at all. What a ****ing asshole.

I think, from what you're saying, it's too soon to leap into rational record-making mode. It's a bit insightless of T2 to suggest that right now, when really, you just need to take care of yourself - and be taken care of - emotionally.

There's plenty of time for list making, and you've actually got a pretty good record right here of what happened that you can come back to any time. This is also not stuff you will forget.
Go with your gut, and I agree, focusing on something else (like yourself!) is a very good thing to do.

Sometimes I think the whole reporting thing can just become another drama that pulls us into a vortex of busyness and anger and outrage and it becomes a distraction from what is the most important thing right now - taking care of ourselves and doing the work of grieving. There's plenty of time down the line to think about whether or not you want to report T.

Can you get away from all these people and just find an utterly independent, totally supportive T who can help you focus on that right now? And can somebody else chase T1 re the billing? Can you set his emails to go somewhere else so they're not landing in your in box in unexpected moments, and ask somebody else to communicate with him on your behalf (a friend, husband, whoever) and have them just take care of it at a business level?

It's a good way to lay down a boundary that separates him from you and gives you some protection against both being unnerved and being sucked back in by the dynamic. One of the most helpful things I found was to let some air and sunlight into the very cloistered, isolated place that was your therapy. Get somebody else in there who is a true advocate for you. I don't think it's healthy for you to be dealing with him about anything, at all. '

There's no danger of emails coming in from T1. He's forbidden email contact. He said it was for my own good because I misinterpreted things in emails. It was really because I was talking about the inappropriate things he'd done in the emails and he didn't want a record of them. People keep telling me--"Block him! Don't let him email you!" He's not interested in emailing me. He just wants me gone cause I'm a liability.

Now I don't know if I'm ever going to get my last bill. I guess I could get my husband to email him if he doesn't send the statement by next week, but that feels REALLY awkward.

I need my statement to get reimbursed for this shitshow and he's stated that he "won't read" any emails I send him. I don't know that he'd be willing to send the statement to anyone but me because of confidentiality. What a mess. I need my statement!

Could you ask t2 to get on t1 to send you the statement?

He cashed my last check. It just showed up in my bank account. Send me my ****ing statement asshole.

I would send him a reminder, something like this:

Dear/Hi X,

I have seen in my bank account statement that my check payment to you for the last session has gone through okay. Can you please send me a statement regarding the session on (insert date) so that I can submit to my insurance for reimbursement as usual?

Thank you,
ramonajones