emails from former T.

If this is directed to me.. Yes. I totally felt like an object and expressed that to him a LOT.. But by that point he was literally the only person I talked to

I remember the first couple he took me to.. They were a police detective and his wife

The detective told me he was turned on by my "shy innocence". I was so uncomfortable I went to the bathroom and stared at myself Hard in the mirror. I went back out and former T leaned over and asked if I wanted to go. I nodded yes

But we stayed

I am so glad you are no longer with him. He is such a dangerous predator and I am sorry you were his prey for so long.
It is a good thing that you continual to heal and even if you lose your way in the dark sometimes you keep finding the path to get your life back again. Keep walking. Each step takes you further away from him.

That is also a thing that narcissists do--isolating their victims.

It really sucks that you ended up stuck with a creep like that. He sounds like such a creep.

This reminded me of my experience with sexual abuse when I was younger. My abuser was the only person I really talked to. The isolation was terrifying. He would often be the one to 'comfort' me as well when I was sad about what was happening. It's really twisted.

It's not only the act itself that is harmful, but the context it which it takes place.

I am in awe of your strength and determination to share your story. Let it out. It needs to be heard.

Hopelesspoppy, admittedly I don't know your situation, so I'm sorry if my question is ignorant. Can I ask why you never filed complaints? I didn't do so either since I felt incredibly threatened (and had literally been threatened). Moreover I felt not taken seriously by other healthcare professionals - which felt like a huge betrayal after already having lost complete trust in healthcare after what had occured. Some didn't seem to believe what happened, others just had the 'get over it'-mentality (or perhaps they didn't believe it either? I have no clue). In addition I was dealing with heavily altered records, etc etc etc, that would influence my chances to find future care + life frankly.

I was in shock - completely. Up until today I can't sleep at night as I will wake up in agony and deep anxiety after a very brief moment of sleep. So I sleep early morning and if I need it with the lights on. I felt powerless, I felt he had me like a puppet on a string and could pull whatever string he wanted and do anything with my life and future as he wanted (and he had said my life would be over, would this ever come out). Meanwhile he is still the praised doctor.
I feel the memories are like a darkness in myself that I can't enter - or I will start shaking and trembling physically, I will lose it mentally and be 'out of it'. So I just try to leave it be and focus on picking up the pieces of my life (as this in addition brought up massive personal/financial problems as I was incapable of picking up my career thereafter among it).

"I was in shock - completely. Up until today I can't sleep at night as I will wake up in agony and deep anxiety after a very brief moment of sleep. So I sleep early morning and if I need it with the lights on."

Omg, I relate- my days and nights were messed up exactly like this afterwards for years!
To this day I ALWAYS have to sleep with the light on.
I feel safer.

Yep. I think this is how I've survived so far. Focusing on small details in my life... Day to day worries and fears.. Goals.. Feelings. If I get time to stop and think... Really think... It is ****ing terrifying

Exactly, these are things I can't think over anymore either. Thinking them over brings me in very dark mental place where I better not go, and just moving forward, not looking backwards, trying to keep my mind busy focusing on other things seems to be the only thing that works.