This is Torture

Your therapy is very unusual as I recall since you see your therapist 4 times a week. That's a lot. I don't know anybody who does that anymore and the vast majority of clients don't see their therapist that often. I know people on this forum are constantly saying that the solution to everything is more therapy and that you have to work through these feelings but I disagree. I agree with ramona: seeing your therapist more often will probably increase your transference, not decrease it. Your life then becomes all about therapy. You have no incentive to build real life relationships/a support system/hobbies because all you care about is therapy. It was certainly that way for me with my ex T and I only saw her once a week. I breathed therapy, I ate therapy, I drank therapy. Everything was about therapy and it didn't help me one bit: I remained stuck in my head instead of living my life. Super unhealthy and nothing got resolved. I feel really bad for the OP because even though I never experienced erotic transference for my T, I know how painful attachment can be. But I don't think I was ever going to "work through my feelings" for my ex T: I wanted something from her that she was never going to give me. There was no big secret about myself to uncover: who wouldn't want someone who seems totally focused on you and has no need of their own? But that's not real. Nobody in your real life is going to act like that. Nobody is going to fulfill all your needs. It's impossible. The solution in my case was to stop seeing her (well she terminated me). Six months later and I feel SO MUCH BETTER. I hope the OP can figure something out whether it's to stay and maybe decrease the amount of sessions or to leave and see another therapist (a woman this time perhaps?).

You said it seemed like it was sinking in for him how much pain you were in. I was wondering if he suggested anything to ease your suffering at all between sessions?

I think my views on all this are changing with seeing so many stories here unfold, from the original perception that this can provide profound and constructive lessons to clients if it is approached in the right way. Because, what would that "right way" look like? Can this ever be truly effective therapy material? I don't know, these are just some of my most recent thoughts about it. I really would love to read a clear story where someone had a successful, constructive experience with intense ET in therapy and how it went.

I'd also like to say... to be honest, I'm fairly sick of people debating what I should or shouldn't do. Especially people who haven't been in my position themselves. I did post this thread with the intention of seeking emotional support, after all, not advice.

However - I am interested in opinions on how I might go about consulting another therapist, beyond the obvious leave T1 - see T2 instead route. Bearing in mind that I have very little money and free time...

Perhaps I could schedule a 'break' with T1, and see a T2 for a bit instead? See what happens? I'd have to make the situation very clear to the second therapist though, I guess? Maybe send them an email, explain the situation, see if it's something they'd be up for working with, make them aware that I might... run off back to T1?! Ergh, I dunno. Maybe it's impossible.

I actually read through all the session descriptions now at once and the one thought that popped into my head is that probably the current situation will continue until you get angry to him - because he isn't someone you want him to be and doesn't do the things you want him to do. Then the dynamic might change and then it will be very important how he will handle your anger and rage because this will then probably determine whether this therapy ends with you getting hurt or things will shift into better.

Luc, I have also read all the session reports in order now and the strongest feeling I had throughout is how creative you are in approaching and describing all this. Maybe one day you will publish the report that all of us here would love to read! I know this is of little help now, but still.

I think a "break" would be a really good idea. That way it's not some big dramatic thing where you're like "OMG I'LL NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN!" It's just a break and you'll have a return date--and just see how it feels to do something different.

I did something similar when I was trying to break away. I took a month off and felt MUCH better for the first three weeks of it, then panicked again when I was getting ready to go back. Two months later was when I quit for good.

I actually have had a couple of sessions recently where I've been extremely angry at him, and I have expressed it. I guess I didn't write that much about it. In general I am prone to anger, and it's not in my nature to hold those sorts of feelings in.


Aww. Thanks Xyn. That's actually really lovely. I'm glad something good has come out of all this!


Thanks Ramona. I shall definitely think about doing that, then. I could see another T during the break, having made the situation clear to them, and see what happens...

Today's session was good, though. Sometimes I think he really does know what he's doing. He's certainly nothing like some of the terrible therapists I read about here all the time.

I'm feeling a glimmer of hope. Maybe we'll 'work through this'. Maybe I'll come back here and write all about how we did it. Spread the hope. Maybe.

Possibly my judgement is just clouded tonight by the erotic transference. Sometimes that happens.

I love him so much. He's so f***ing beautiful. How could I not love him?!

Perhaps I could schedule a 'break' with T1, and see a T2 for a bit instead? See what happens? I'd have to make the situation very clear to the second therapist though, I guess? Maybe send them an email, explain the situation, see if it's something they'd be up for working with, make them aware that I might... run off back to T1?! Ergh, I dunno. Maybe it's impossible.

What was it that happened today that gave you a glimmer of hope? What did he do today that made him feel more competent? It might be good to identify it really clearly so you know what you need more of.

What was it that happened today that gave you a glimmer of hope? What did he do today that made him feel more competent? It might be good to identify it really clearly so you know what you need more of.

I'd also like to say... to be honest, I'm fairly sick of people debating what I should or shouldn't do. Especially people who haven't been in my position themselves. I did post this thread with the intention of seeking emotional support, after all, not advice.

However - I am interested in opinions on how I might go about consulting another therapist, beyond the obvious leave T1 - see T2 instead route. Bearing in mind that I have very little money and free time...

Perhaps I could schedule a 'break' with T1, and see a T2 for a bit instead? See what happens? I'd have to make the situation very clear to the second therapist though, I guess? Maybe send them an email, explain the situation, see if it's something they'd be up for working with, make them aware that I might... run off back to T1?! Ergh, I dunno. Maybe it's impossible.

Yes - good question!

I experienced him as... Present, congruent, non-defensive, warm, engaged with and interested in my process, good at handling my flirtatious mood (he didn't join in, but I didn't feel he was trying to shut it down either).

This is especially interesting because I didn't feel this way at the very beginning of the session. I felt that he wasn't very present at all... I almost said "you're not here?". But something must have changed. I'm not sure how or why.

But a big part of it being such a good session is that I was different, too. I felt much braver than usual. The ET often shuts me down by turning me into an extremely self-conscious twelve year old, but I didn't feel that way yesterday. I was able to express myself.

I don't know why that happened either.

Luc, I see T once a month. I obsess over her. I am allowed to message her but her boundary is she won't reply. I write lots. I can call the clinic to ask her to call me once every two weeks.

I've started seeing a second T for LGBTQ issues T can't help with. Been thinking of bringing up my deep attachment to T up to T2.

I've had sessions like this... I wonder if it's simply a case of a T bringing their own stuff into the room with them at the start of the session and then realising that they are doing this and stopping themsevles from doing so hence why it changes during the session??