[justbreathe1994]

Hi all,
Sorry for posting so much these days. I am in the midst of some excruciating attachment work that feels like torture. I don't really know where to start and posting on this subforum feels incredibly vulnerable and terrifying to me. Out of all the people I could be sharing this stuff with though, you guys are definitely by the far the most understanding and accepting. I feel sick to my stomach saying this, but I have a strong attraction towards my T. It's incredibly difficult because I also wish she was my Mum, which feels gross and weird considering The two very different types of attraction I'm magically experiencing all at once. I don't know, I guess I just want her to be everything to me. I have had attachments to older women in the past (prev T, nurses/doctors, teachers, etc), but none of them have ever feel even remotely sexual/romantic in nature. They've all just felt like deep longings for them to be my Mum. This time, with this T, it feels much different and I have no idea. I've actually never felt sexually attracted to anyone until her. It's weird, I'm a young adult and I've never experienced these feelings until now. I don't know how to work through them though. I don't feel like I could ever tell my T as I can barely type the words out here or utter the words, "I'm gay" out loud. Rationally, I know experiencing sexuality is healthy and normal, but I just can't stop feeling gross about myself. I've never had a boyfriend or really close friends, so I'm pretty sure my attachment figures are my most intimate relationships. I just can't seem to break the cycle. I wish I was attracted to boys my age, but I'm just not. I just feel so gross and I hope all of this doesn't come across as disgusting and totally bizarre.

[wheeler]

You ar disgusting or bizarre. In fact you sound normal. Please, please talk to your T about this, assuming you trust her at some level.

[LonesomeTonight]

I've had both erotic and paternal transference for my (male) marriage counselor, sometimes at the same time. He said it's actually pretty common to have both. Especially considering, say, Freudian theories where as a child you can be sort of in love with your parent. He said it's why people are often like "I married my father" (not literally, but someone who is similar to their father in some way--looks, personality, etc.). He also said how we use the word "love" for both parent-child and romantic love, which suggests there's something in common there.

I think you should talk to your T about it, even though it will be scary.

[lucozader]

You're not gross, or disgusting, or bizarre, and you're not alone.

[Shazerac]

You are not gross. Maybe you are gay and that is totally OK. Being bi or homosexual isn't even listed as a mental illness anymore.

Hopefully you can summon the courage to talk to your T about this. Good luck you deserve to feel good about yourself.

[WildcatVet]

Could it be what's commonly known as transference?
*Transference may often occur between the therapist and the person in therapy. For example, the therapist may be viewed as an all-knowing guru, an ideal lover, the master of a person’s fate, a fierce opponent, a parent, and so on. Proponents of psychoanalysis believe that transference is a therapeutic tool that is crucial in understanding an individual’s unconscious or repressed feelings. Healing is believed to be more likely to occur once these underlying issues are effectively exposed and addressed.*
Try to talk honestly and openly with your therapist.

[Moment]

If you are indeed gay, that's perfectly normal, but from what I've read it's also perfectly normal for people who don't typically experience same-sex attraction to feel erotic transference towards a therapist of the same sex in the therapy room.

The boundaries of therapy create this kind of "play" space where our inner emotional self can make the therapist take on many roles in the drama that is played out in therapy...parent, lover, friend, enemy...sometimes one role after another, sometimes more than one at the same time in a big confusing mix. This is all completely normal and actually seems to be part of how therapy works.

I really hope you can talk about this with your therapist. Some therapists get a bit freaked out if a client expresses romantic feelings, but experienced therapists know this happens all the time and they should be able to help you talk about it. If you haven't felt attracted to anyone before, then the fact that you'd be attracted to your therapist could be revealing--what is it that makes this possible for you? It might point you to what you need to look for out in the "real world" or what might be stopping feelings from happening in the "real world."

Yes talking about all this stuff can be super hard but it really can be productive, especially since this touches on issues that seem important for you and that presumably you want to work on in therapy. You could just throw it out there, "Hey, I'm experiencing some feelings about you I want to talk about. This is excruciating for me but I want to talk to you so you can help me sort this stuff out and figure out what it reveals about me." And then take a big risk. Risking being vulnerable....huge part of therapy.

[Lemoncake]

I can understand that it would be very uncomfortable to bring this up, but there is so much to gain from this. You're not disgusting or bizarre and honestly it's very very common. I have had erotic feelings for my therapist whilst I see him as a father figure which was very confusing. For me it was easier to admit all of this in email instead of in session but it got us talking. He didn't shame me for having these feelings and any therapist would handle this with sensitivity because they know it's hard to talk about.

[growlycat]

No shame in this, really. A good t can work through this with you. Transference feelings are very common no matter the gender or orientation of either party. I consider myself heterosexual but I had a rare crush on a female coworker. I've had random feelings for my bisexual male t. I do surprise myself. But the more I learn about myself and people in general nothing is really so shameful or even surprising anymore.

[justbreathe1994]

Thank you all for the support and encouragement. It's funny because I don't have a problem with being gay and being attracted to a therapist seperatley, but the combination just feels so shameful to me. If my T was a male, I feel like I'd be less judgemental of myself. Perhaps deep down, I feel so ashamed because I want all my needs met by her. Maybe, the fact I don't see her as an "equal" is why I find her so attractive. All of this is really painful and shameful for me to talk about, but thanks so much for listening/reading. It helps a bunch just to have a sounding board and hearing from others who've experienced similar things.

[StickyTwig]

Yes the power dynamic in therapy can cause very intense feelings. It's what makes her feel so much like a Mum (mothers are of course very powerful in relation to their small children). It sounds like you have desperate needs from early childhood that you are trying to replay or fulfil. Theres nothing to be ashamed of, these feelings are common in therapy and your T should understand them.

There's nothing wrong with being gay but are you sure you are? I might be wrong but it sounds as if you are still unsure and trying to understand your sexuality. As others have said, it is very common for women to feel attraction towards a same-sex therapist, no matter what their orientation.

[justbreathe1994]

Originally Posted by StickyTwig

Yes the power dynamic in therapy can cause very intense feelings. It's what makes her feel so much like a Mum (mothers are of course very powerful in relation to their small children). It sounds like you have desperate needs from early childhood that you are trying to replay or fulfil. Theres nothing to be ashamed of, these feelings are common in therapy and your T should understand them.

There's nothing wrong with being gay but are you sure you are? I might be wrong but it sounds as if you are still unsure and trying to understand your sexuality. As others have said, it is very common for women to feel attraction towards a same-sex therapist, no matter what their orientation.

Yeah, I feel sad to admit I've struggled with having strong attachments to older women all my life. It's hard because my own mother is actually pretty decent, like not abusive or anything. She can be pretty invalidating and tough, but she still shows love. It's just hard to predict sometimes. My T is quite validating and sensitive and never shames me for anything, which I think is why I love her so much. I honestly am not sure whether I'm gay or not, but I know I'm probably on the "spectrum", not exactly straight either. I don't feel like I ever have any emotions left after I spend them all on my attachment figures, if that makes sense. It's hard because I wish I could find a significant other, but all my attention and emotional energy is directed towards T. Thank you for normalizing my feelings, that helps a lot

[Moment]

It sounds like this is a rich area for you to explore in therapy and, especially if you put this in the context of other emotional attractions to older women you've had in the past, that puts the focus off the therapist so much and on to the pattern more generally. You guys could talk about the pattern and what it means for you.

I mean, what does it mean to focus all of you attention and energy on an older attachment figure? Do you feel you have to do that in order not to lose it? Or is it a way of avoiding a relationship with a different kind of person that somehow seems too daunting or threatening (and why would that be)? All stuff to talk about in therapy. Your first post also suggested a lot of shameful feelings....anything that feels shameful is great to talk about in therapy. Therapy busts shame. Or it should, anyway.

[justbreathe1994]

Originally Posted by Moment

It sounds like this is a rich area for you to explore in therapy and, especially if you put this in the context of other emotional attractions to older women you've had in the past, that puts the focus off the therapist so much and on to the pattern more generally. You guys could talk about the pattern and what it means for you.

I mean, what does it mean to focus all of you attention and energy on an older attachment figure? Do you feel you have to do that in order not to lose it? Or is it a way of avoiding a relationship with a different kind of person that somehow seems too daunting or threatening (and why would that be)? All stuff to talk about in therapy. Your first post also suggested a lot of shameful feelings....anything that feels shameful is great to talk about in therapy. Therapy busts shame. Or it should, anyway.

Yes, I think a big reason I feel attached/attraction to older women is because I did not have the closest relationship to my own mom. Also, I was bullied a lot when i was younger because of my disability and older maternal-like figures (teachers and my Mom's friends, etc) would stand up for me or always act caring towards me as a result. They felt safe to me because kids my age seemed pretty unpredictable. I'll definatley talk to my T more about this if I can manage to be honest with her. Thank you for the thoughtful questions.