[DP_2017]

I wanted to post this here because even though I don't have romantic/sexual feelings toward my T, I have very strong "I wish we could be friend" feelings and I feel like some of you may understand more. Hope it's ok

First off.... my T is well aware of my "strong attachment" and is ok with it. Nothing has changed, he still hugs me every session etc.... but for some reason I was feeling super emotional after last session and decided to email and reveal to him that I've been keeping something in for the entire summer and I am scared to say it etc.

His reply was lovely and compassionate, reassuring that he wont judge me and he wont stop the hugs because of whatever....

Here is my problem.. Now I 100% am regretting it. I know my feelings/desires of wishing we could be friends after therapy, even in a keep in touch...stop by and chat, type sense are not possible with rules etc. I am not dumb. I know all the boundries and ethics that prevent anything

I also am realizing my "feelings" are fake and basically just delusions, if they were real, he would feel it too or it wouldn't be just a common therapy thing...

although at times he is very "friendly" and shares a lot about himself, we have a ton in common and get along great, i do feel he might feel similar but its just a delusion

So now I am embarrassed I brought anything up because this conversation is stupid and pointless. I don't need to be told I can't because of rules. I don't need to be told my feelings are "just part of the process" etc...

I've cried many times over this issue and punched things out of frustration and sadness, I struggle with expressing emotions and have no idea how to manage what I feel, fake or not.

Any ideas? I'm tired of feeling delusional like this but like I said, telling him has 0 use... so I am actually also considering quitting over this... just because I can't continue to let the "Attachment' grow no matter how much help I may need.

Also don't suggest a new T. Not interested in starting over with anyone.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

I wanted to post this here because even though I don't have romantic/sexual feelings toward my T, I have very strong "I wish we could be friend" feelings and I feel like some of you may understand more. Hope it's ok

First off.... my T is well aware of my "strong attachment" and is ok with it. Nothing has changed, he still hugs me every session etc.... but for some reason I was feeling super emotional after last session and decided to email and reveal to him that I've been keeping something in for the entire summer and I am scared to say it etc.

His reply was lovely and compassionate, reassuring that he wont judge me and he wont stop the hugs because of whatever....

Here is my problem.. Now I 100% am regretting it. I know my feelings/desires of wishing we could be friends after therapy, even in a keep in touch...stop by and chat, type sense are not possible with rules etc. I am not dumb. I know all the boundries and ethics that prevent anything

I also am realizing my "feelings" are fake and basically just delusions, if they were real, he would feel it too or it wouldn't be just a common therapy thing...

although at times he is very "friendly" and shares a lot about himself, we have a ton in common and get along great, i do feel he might feel similar but its just a delusion

So now I am embarrassed I brought anything up because this conversation is stupid and pointless. I don't need to be told I can't because of rules. I don't need to be told my feelings are "just part of the process" etc...

I've cried many times over this issue and punched things out of frustration and sadness, I struggle with expressing emotions and have no idea how to manage what I feel, fake or not.

Any ideas? I'm tired of feeling delusional like this but like I said, telling him has 0 use... so I am actually also considering quitting over this... just because I can't continue to let the "Attachment' grow no matter how much help I may need.

Also don't suggest a new T. Not interested in starting over with anyone.

I'm going to totally channel my MC here, but your feelings aren't fake or delusions--they're your feelings, so they're real. And we can't help what we feel--just what we do with it.

When you talk to T about it, it might help if you start with "I don't need to be told I can't because of rules. I don't need to be told my feelings are "just part of the process" etc..." I've said things like that to MC before, like, when talking about a little ET that I still feel from time to time, "Please don't give me 'the talk' about how nothing can happen--I'm not delusional, I understand that." And he respected that and didn't give me "the talk."

I know you said you don't think it will be helpful to talk about it with him, but I've found it helpful. It can help just to get the thoughts and feelings out and discuss them.

It could also help to talk about post-therapy--my T1 has said that after she retires, it's OK to exchange occasional e-mails, even a phone call now and then--we just couldn't meet for coffee because that's too friend-like. So you may be able to keep in touch with your T.

[DP_2017]

So you don't think its a pointless conversation? What if it changes everything? What if he becomes creeped out and pulls away? If things change at all between us, I wont feel as comfortable and I'll lose trust in him.

It's weird BTW how some think coffee is friend like, LOL. people meet employees, potential employees, aquantiences etc for coffee, its a easy way to have a chat with someone not in their home, that has really confused me. I've never heard it being only a friend thing until therapy and I was on forums. weird to me

Anyway... I will see. I am still not convinced there is a real point in it. My feelings can't be real though, if it was a GENUINE belief we have a real connection and could be friends if it weren't for rules, he would feel it too... I'm sure he doesn't so it can't be real. however yes my anger and frustration and sadness are real but those are simply reactions to my uncertainty of how to process my thoughts

thanks for your input.

I talk about this a lot with my t. I go through periods of intense struggling with the whole 'professional collaboration' thing, with wanting more of her than the therapy framework allows, especially because we have a personal interest in common. The most helpful thing for me is simply to talk about my feelings with her in session. LT's right, our feelings are our feelings and they are real. While some may argue this next part (including me sometimes!) The relationship we have with our t is a 'real' relationship, it's just different than other ones... has different boundaries, different dynamics or something, but that doesn't make it, us, or the t fake. (This of course is only my opinion at the moment and reflects my t relationship only.)

[Pennster]

I read something by a therapist once that said one of the reasons why a therapist can't meet someone for coffee is to protect the therapeutic relationship in case it's ever needed again. That made a lot of sense to me - there are lots of people out there in the world I could be friends with, but not that many I want to spill my guts to in therapy.

I think a lot of people struggle with painful feelings of attachment - it seems a really normal part of therapy for some of us! When I first started seeing my therapist I became very worried that he would die- I have had a lot of loss in my life. Talking about it helped. I don't think feeling attached to a therapist is anything to be ashamed of, or anything that a decent therapist shouldn't be able to handle.

[growlycat]

I don't see the relationship as fake. It is a professional relationship but the feelings that come up on both sides are very much real. Talk to your t. Many ts do get attached to patients too. Mine has said so.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by Pennster

I read something by a therapist once that said one of the reasons why a therapist can't meet someone for coffee is to protect the therapeutic relationship in case it's ever needed again. That made a lot of sense to me - there are lots of people out there in the world I could be friends with, but not that many I want to spill my guts to in therapy.

I think a lot of people struggle with painful feelings of attachment - it seems a really normal part of therapy for some of us! When I first started seeing my therapist I became very worried that he would die- I have had a lot of loss in my life. Talking about it helped. I don't think feeling attached to a therapist is anything to be ashamed of, or anything that a decent therapist shouldn't be able to handle.

oh I get the coffee thing in general, just the whole saying basically if you go to coffee you are friends is weird, i mean I've had job interviews over coffee.

Originally Posted by growlycat

I don't see the relationship as fake. It is a professional relationship but the feelings that come up on both sides are very much real. Talk to your t. Many ts do get attached to patients too. Mine has said so.

i thought that was not allowed, for them to get those feelings for clients?

[growlycat]

They can't act on romantic feelings that is not allowed Friendly feelings are ok they just can't BE friends with patients. But they can still feel warmly towards patients.

Even taboo feelings happen they aren't supposed to tell the patient just deal with it in their own therapy or supervision.

[DP_2017]

^ that makes sense, thanks for explaining. I do get no friends during therapy and that would be weird anyway, but I've heard that it's not actually something they can't do after its just most don't.

I am just unsure if its worth telling him. In the email I made it sound like the worst possible thing I could say and now I just feel silly since he already knows I am attached.

[growlycat]

I've heard that they can be friends after therapy. But anything romantic is two years plus or not st all depending on the t.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by growlycat

I've heard that they can be friends after therapy. But anything romantic is two years plus or not st all depending on the t.

No interest in romance and he is married anyway but ya, maybe there is small hope then but not much I suspect.

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

I also am realizing my "feelings" are fake and basically just delusions, if they were real, he would feel it too or it wouldn't be just a common therapy thing...

I see it differently. I think the therapy relationship is fake, but it generates real feelings. That to me is the essential cruelty. Real feelings need somewhere to go. Therapy brings them out and then just plays with them. These unrequited feelings are supposed to be a vehicle for healing or growth or some such BS. I found it miserable.

[StickyTwig]

One way of looking at it is that if you were friends with T, the relationship would likely be LESS close. In other words, with a friendship you would likely feel restricted in what you could say to him, due to social convention and also not wanting to be a burden. (If he's married for instance, that would probably put limits on the amount of emotional intimacy you could have with him in the "real world")

It may be a situation of "The grass is greener on the other side". If you were his friend and not his client you might be really wishing you could talk to him on a deeper level - like you can in therapy.