just to get thoughts out, feel free to get thoughts out too

SoAn · Nov 01, 2019 at 12:33 PM

i want to watch television with my t
and sit/lie on the couch next to him leaned against him with my hand on his belly and him wearing a purple sweater
and his arm around my shoulder

and him to be in the room when i am doing something mildly boring
and me be in the room when he is doing something like reading or working
and say something sometimes
and laugh about something sometimes
and cuddle him and him cuddle me sometimes just as he walks past me/as i walk past him

and him to cuddle me in my bed
and him to go to lectures with me
and share ideas
and talk about thoughts
and joke small jokes

Lonelyinmyheart · Nov 01, 2019 at 02:04 PM

I wish I lived with my T and ate breakfast with her every morning. I wish we could sit together on her sofa and watch the shows that I know we both enjoy and then talk about them in a deep way. I wish I could hug her goodnight and go into my room knowing she is just next door. I wish I could just be held by her as long as I need without time constraints. I wish she cooked meals for me and vice versa. I wish I could hear her talk about her day and share mine. I wish I could simply go into her room when I feel ill and know she will be there for me. I wish I wish I wish..

SoAn · Nov 01, 2019 at 02:18 PM

i want to text him memes i find funny and that i think he'll laugh at too (i wish i had just done that once when still in therapy with him and then deal with the response)
i want to share everyday thoughts with him, and for him to chuckle at them
i want to wake up next to him and him to cuddle me good morning or me him
when i am worried i want him to think along with me, and maybe to make fun of me a little bit as well so i can laugh about my own worryfulness, and still be liked by someone
i miss his chuckle because it sounded so much like he really liked me in a way that i want somebody to like me

SoAn · Nov 01, 2019 at 02:49 PM

watch lame tv shows with him and comment on them
and annoy him in ways that he will hopefully be ok with and laugh about or annoy me back

SoAn · Nov 01, 2019 at 05:54 PM

yeah and cooking together! banter during cooking!

tikatikadoom · Nov 02, 2019 at 01:05 PM

I really just want hugs and cuddles.

SummerTime12 · Nov 03, 2019 at 03:57 AM

I actually have a note on my phone of things I want to do with my t, and I write in it when the feelings get too strong and I need an outlet for them. But I don’t think I can write those types of things here..

just to get thoughts out, feel free to get thoughts out too

Lonelyinmyheart · Nov 03, 2019 at 06:00 AM

After writing here the other day I dreamed my T was laying down and I was cuddling up to her. Nothing sexual or anything, just like mother and child.

SoAn · Nov 05, 2019 at 05:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SummerTime12

I actually have a note on my phone of things I want to do with my t, and I write in it when the feelings get too strong and I need an outlet for them. But I don’t think I can write those types of things here..

Haha yeah I am also being selective here lol

SoAn · Nov 05, 2019 at 05:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lonelyinmyheart

After writing here the other day I dreamed my T was laying down and I was cuddling up to her. Nothing sexual or anything, just like mother and child.

That's so nice, I always hope I will dream about him in a nice way

TeaVicar? · Nov 07, 2019 at 05:46 PM

I would like to play chess together and I'd like him to tell me all about his life, then after that I'd like to talk about and listen to music.

SoAn · Nov 08, 2019 at 04:45 PM

I was just reminded of the time we were talking about my view of you. I was voicing criticism and then mentioning I felt afraid I was being an awful person, or to hurt you. You asked friendly-ironically-warmly-safely 'Were you worried I would cry?' which I misheard as something else and emphatically replied 'Yes!' etc etc, until you asked again, we both realised the misunderstanding and laughed

ooo and I miss your eyes when you had a look of clearness and affection and amusedness ha aw

Lonelyinmyheart · Nov 10, 2019 at 01:12 PM

I really honestly feel as though I'm in love with my T. I know that's kind of old in the therapy world but it goes beyond transference - she's so genuine in the room with me that I know a lot about her and I'm devastated she's getting married. It just really hurts. I'm a straight female but I find her so attractive in a physical way too. It's actually pretty devastating because I know I'll never be with her in the way I want and the therapy alliance will end down the line so what's the point? I've had therapy before and had strong feelings but I have never, ever had such intense feelings as I do for this t.

TeaVicar? · Nov 11, 2019 at 07:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lonelyinmyheart

I really honestly feel as though I'm in love with my T. I know that's kind of old in the therapy world but it goes beyond transference - she's so genuine in the room with me that I know a lot about her and I'm devastated she's getting married. It just really hurts. I'm a straight female but I find her so attractive in a physical way too. It's actually pretty devastating because I know I'll never be with her in the way I want and the therapy alliance will end down the line so what's the point? I've had therapy before and had strong feelings but I have never, ever had such intense feelings as I do for this t.

Your feelings are real. From my experience, using terminology like "transference" etc, doesn't help the process because it contradicts the authenticity of those feelings. Accepting your feelings are real, feeling feelings, however exciting, however grim and being able to talk about them with your therapist, helps hugely. If you can talk openly, I think it makes a big difference in how quickly you can get through the painful feelings. It works both ways though, the therapist also has to be open to discussing it and has some responsibility for helping the client open up. So many variables can result in becoming a bit stuck.

A therapist you love, getting married is a horrible situation to be in.

I hope you're able to find some love and self-compassion for yourself. xx

Lonelyinmyheart · Nov 11, 2019 at 07:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TeaVicar?

Your feelings are real. From my experience, using terminology like "transference" etc, doesn't help the process because it contradicts the authenticity of those feelings. Accepting your feelings are real, feeling feelings, however exciting, however grim and being able to talk about them with your therapist, helps hugely. If you can talk openly, I think it makes a big difference in how quickly you can get through the painful feelings. It works both ways though, the therapist also has to be open to discussing it and has some responsibility for helping the client open up. So many variables can result in becoming a bit stuck.

A therapist you love, getting married is a horrible situation.

Thank you so much for being so validating, it means a lot. My T doesn't use the word at all, only me. She's really open to however I'm feeling and has made clear there's nowhere we can't go but I struggle to open up with her although I'm starting to be able to do this. I haven't been able to say the extent of how I feel about her but I hope I can in time. I certainly haven't been able to say I find her attractive! I think you're right that talking about all this is the way through it. I hate having to raise issues that relate to her family because it feels extra painful and pointless in the sense nothing is going to change - but I guess that's where the grief and working through it comes in

SoAn · Nov 12, 2019 at 08:06 PM

Before I fall asleep, I always think about you. I pretend you are next to me, and that I can cuddle up to you. Yesterday, I imagined you affectionately kissing me on my head or my face. It made me cry.

SoAn · Nov 17, 2019 at 10:02 AM

i just checked if you had been online today - we used to use whatsapp to reschedule appointments - and i saw you had been recently! strangely enough, it always makes me happy to see you online if it has been a while. (this monitoring is v unhealthy of course etc etc)

stahrgeyzer · Nov 17, 2019 at 10:45 AM

My 1st therapist ever. I tried soooo much to find another one because visually she's 100% my type. Too much chemistry for me, but I couldn't get past that she specializes in exactly what I need in a pdoc. Long story short, I ended with her. Next saturday will be my 2nd session and I can hardly wait to see her but I'm determined to not have feelings for her. I'd like to know how? Just as big a part of me wants to see her as a motherly figure, which I never really had! Uggg I need someone to care for me so bad I have tears in my eyes now.... I feel like I would jump off a cliff if she asked me to.

Lonelyinmyheart · Nov 17, 2019 at 01:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stahrgeyzer

My 1st therapist ever. I tried soooo much to find another one because visually she's 100% my type. Too much chemistry for me, but I couldn't get past that she specializes in exactly what I need in a pdoc. Long story short, I ended with her. Next saturday will be my 2nd session and I can hardly wait to see her but I'm determined to not have feelings for her. I'd like to know how? Just as big a part of me wants to see her as a motherly figure, which I never really had! Uggg I need someone to care for me so bad I have tears in my eyes now.... I feel like I would jump off a cliff if she asked me to.

I get it totally, the pain of that need and longing is just awful! I also feel I would do anything for my T. It's hard to avoid getting attached even with the best will in the world. I just hope your pdoc will be the right safe person to help with through the painful feelings.

Lonelyinmyheart · Nov 17, 2019 at 02:00 PM

Well today I told T a lot of stuff, not details but I told her I wanted to be the most important person in her life. That's pretty intense really. And that it was hurting me that she was getting married. She was really kind and understanding about it. She said the relationship we have is real just in a different way. At the end of the session I hugged her so tight and didn't want to let go, like, ever. And as I walked through her house to leave who was there but her husband to be!! That was awkward. But there is something freeing about saying it how it is. I haven't told her everything by any means, but she knows a fair bit now. I'm just hoping the feelings will become less intense by talking about them.

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SoAn Member Member Since Sep 2019 Location: Europe Posts: 120 5 84 hugs given	Nov 01, 2019 at 02:49 PM #4 watch lame tv shows with him and comment on them and annoy him in ways that he will hopefully be ok with and laugh about or annoy me back
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SoAn Member Member Since Sep 2019 Location: Europe Posts: 120 5 84 hugs given	Nov 01, 2019 at 05:54 PM #5 yeah and cooking together! banter during cooking!
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tikatikadoom Member Member Since Oct 2019 Location: New England Posts: 32 5 1 hugs given	Nov 02, 2019 at 01:05 PM #6 I really just want hugs and cuddles.
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SummerTime12 Grand Member Member Since Mar 2013 Location: USA Posts: 876 11 601 hugs given	Nov 03, 2019 at 03:57 AM #7 I actually have a note on my phone of things I want to do with my t, and I write in it when the feelings get too strong and I need an outlet for them. But I don’t think I can write those types of things here..
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Lonelyinmyheart Poohbah Member Since Jun 2019 Location: Earth Posts: 1,093 5 1,733 hugs given	Nov 03, 2019 at 06:00 AM #8 After writing here the other day I dreamed my T was laying down and I was cuddling up to her. Nothing sexual or anything, just like mother and child.
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TeaVicar? Member Member Since Apr 2015 Location: in the parlour. Posts: 353 9 99 hugs given	Nov 07, 2019 at 05:46 PM #11 I would like to play chess together and I'd like him to tell me all about his life, then after that I'd like to talk about and listen to music. __________________ "It is a joy to be hidden but a disaster not to be found." D.W. Winnicott
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SoAn Member Member Since Sep 2019 Location: Europe Posts: 120 5 84 hugs given	Nov 12, 2019 at 08:06 PM #16 Before I fall asleep, I always think about you. I pretend you are next to me, and that I can cuddle up to you. Yesterday, I imagined you affectionately kissing me on my head or my face. It made me cry.
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SoAn Member Member Since Sep 2019 Location: Europe Posts: 120 5 84 hugs given	Nov 17, 2019 at 10:02 AM #17 i just checked if you had been online today - we used to use whatsapp to reschedule appointments - and i saw you had been recently! strangely enough, it always makes me happy to see you online if it has been a while. (this monitoring is v unhealthy of course etc etc)
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