My therapist admitted he’s attracted to me

And I’m not sure how to feel about it. To be clear, he wasn’t inappropriate, and he highlighted that the boundaries are firm.
I feel flattered because I’m attracted to him and have been since the beginning, but I just never thought this would happen.

ETA: Does anyone have thoughts on this, or has anyone experienced something similar?

I can understand your conflicting feelings.
It makes me curious. Why did he comment about the subject. Did he volunteer the information? Did you ask him if he is attracted to you? How did the subject come up?

Well, we’ve been doing this thing lately where I can ask him questions (not like about his personal life, more in relation to me) and he’ll answer honestly. It was his idea. So I showed him the list of questions I had written down, and one was “do you think I’m attractive?” and another was “do you think I’m sexually attractive?” And he answered yes (but said more than just that) to both.

I just wasn’t expecting his response. He was a lot more forthcoming than I thought he would be.

That is completely inappropriate regardless of the q&a he came up with. He should have set some boundaries about what would be answered and he should have stopped in his tracks and told you questions like that, that involve his opinion of you physically or romantically were off the table.

I have PM'd you with my similar situation.

@sarahsweets I feel super conflicted. On the one hand, he’s always been a really ethical and great therapist to me. On the other hand, something feels off about this. I keep telling myself it’s ok because he would never actually let something happen, but I don’t know if I’m in denial. I think I just need more outside perspective.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SummerTime12 @sarahsweets I feel super conflicted. On the one hand, he’s always been a really ethical and great therapist to me. On the other hand, something feels off about this. I keep telling myself it’s ok because he would never actually let something happen, but I don’t know if I’m in denial. I think I just need more outside perspective.

It doesn’t matter if he thinks you are the most attractive client he’s ever seen or that he plays a game of what if’s. It was seriously inappropriate.

It is not appropriate. He's playing games. He has the ability to say, "I know you are curious, but I cannot and will not answer those kinds of questions." Sometimes people just need to have some boundaries (I'm talking about the therapist, not you.) He's not doing that because he's getting something out of this.

This game of Q & A needs to stop and the focus needs to get back to you and your therapy. If he can't or won't do that, RUN!

I agree. The bolded part seems like what my T would say if I asked him the same sorts of questions. I've said before that there's part of me that's curious as to whether he thinks I'm attractive, but that I'm not actually asking him because I'm not sure how I'd feel about the answer either way. Like, before I even told him that, I said, "Let me make it clear that I'm not actually asking you this. But that part of me wonders. But I'm not asking you a question and don't want you to say." If I had said I wanted an answer, he'd have just declined, as he's done with a few things I've tried to ask about his personal life.

Be careful...

I’m really scared that this means things are not safe anymore, but part of me doesn’t want to tell him I feel that way because I also want to know more. I just wonder where the boundary is in his mind if he’s ok with this, I mean it has to be somewhere before actually doing something physical, right?

I feel like saying "I think you are attractive" is different than saying "I am attracted to you." The first is not quite so bad to me, sort of like saying "you are pretty/beautiful/etc." I don't think a therapist should say that to a client either, most of the time, but it's not as direct or personal as "I am attracted to you." But maybe the other things he said would make that difference not matter.

That's a really good question to ask him. It seems to me that having an attraction and admitting it, does not mean a person has to act on that attraction in any way. But it helps to know what the boundaries are.

I can see the difference. The way he said it suggested he meant he was attracted to me, because he said to him the difference between finding someone beautiful vs attractive is that he’s not always attracted to the person he finds beautiful.

When I asked if he thought I was attractive, he said “I think you’re very attractive.” And then when I asked if he thought I was sexually attractive, he said “I think you’re attractive and I think you’re physically attractive, so yes I think you’re sexually attractive.”

Today, I talked to him about my concerns about boundaries possibly getting blurred. He expressed that the line that won’t get crossed is having sexual contact. I kept saying that I felt like there should be a line before that, but he basically said that as long as whatever he shares is to help me, it’s ok, and nothing is off limits for me to share. I was like, “maybe we’re defining sexual contact differently, because in my mind there’s a lot of things people can do without having sexual contact.” I don’t know if he fully understood what I meant, so I’m still a little confused and will def need to talk about it more at my next session.

If it is true that his boundary has to be somewhere before actually doing anything physical, there wouldn’t several of us on here telling our stories of how we have been devastated by allowing intimacies to enter the relationship. You may be curious but it’s not something to play with. Remember *you* have the right to place your own boundaries.

It’s completely his responsibility to keep you safe and be out for your best interest. If he’s inappropriate, it’s never your fault. But please be aware and use your own boundaries to keep yourself safe.

I don’t know your therapist but don’t assume it can never lead to anything physical because it has happened to several of us here.

*You* can create the line ..the boundary..
it’s his responsibility but you can protect yourself. If he starts revealing explicit details to you ...it’s perfectly fine for you to tell him that’s uncomfortable or out of line...or even fire him. He doesn’t just get to say, suggest or do ‘whatever’ and cover it by saying it’s to ‘help’ you.

He is correct that there is nothing off limits for you to share...but it’s not the other way around.

Problem is, I’m scared that I won’t be strong enough to set that boundary if he doesn’t do it, even if it’s past my comfort point. I’ve been attracted to him for so long that I feel like my judgment is clouded now.

Thank you for sharing that. I’m concerned for you.

This is a common issue in boundary crossing and boundary violations. It makes us feel special when the T shares intimate information or compliments us. We want to know more. Most people like compliments and feeling special. You are not alone in that.

How about setting the boundary now? Can you tell him these types of conversations bother you and need to stop?
If you don’t feel you can set any boundaries in this relationship, you need to get out.

Therapy should be about your needs and deal with the issues that brought you to therapy. If you find another therapist you might find one that can help you set boundaries with others.

I send my best wishes to you.

#ProtectYourself

this is a confusing situation to find yourself in. i too have been in a similar situation with a T who admitted that he had an attraction and even a 'sexual' response towards me. he was very open and honest about sharing his feelings and wanted me to reciprocate in our sessions. he justified it by saying that therapy is a special and intimate relationship, but failed to understand just how damaging it could be because of the limitations of that 'special' relationship and his own unresolved issues. it never became physical, more of a mental mind F*%# that took the focus of therapy towards the 'relationship' and eventually started becoming more about his needs getting met.

i'm sorry you have found yourself in this situation. because of the unhealthy attachment (trauma bond) to my ex-T, it has taken me many years to work through this, untangling the damage and coming to terms with what happened. some of those years i was still doing therapy with him and secretly working towards de-attaching myself so i could leave with the least amount of damage to myself. do tread lightly and most of all, don't be afraid to listen to and trust your gut.

@koru_kiwi I’m sorry you ended up in a situation with your ex-t that ended up hurting you, that sounds really painful
@precaryous I honestly don’t think I have it in me to set the boundary now, because I’m curious and want to know more. I know that sounds bad and I wish I wasn’t like this. There were other similar questions on that list that he hasn’t answered yet, but said he would answer honestly, and I really want to know his thoughts. At this point I’m just trusting him to not let it go too far.. which I hope I can count on.

Hey @SummerTime12

Quote:

Originally Posted by SummerTime12 When I asked if he thought I was attractive, he said “I think you’re very attractive.” And then when I asked if he thought I was sexually attractive, he said “I think you’re attractive and I think you’re physically attractive, so yes I think you’re sexually attractive.”

This is not ok. I dont care if he thinks it will help you. He should know that it wont and that you are in a fragile place and that this will cause confusion. And the fact that he said "very attractive" to me means that he has given it more thought at other times. People can ask "am I attractive" and a therapist may say yes(still not ok) but for a therapist to say you are very attractive crosses the line.

Quote:

Today, I talked to him about my concerns about boundaries possibly getting blurred. He expressed that the line that won’t get crossed is having sexual contact. I kept saying that I felt like there should be a line before that, but he basically said that as long as whatever he shares is to help me, it’s ok, and nothing is off limits for me to share. I was like, “maybe we’re defining sexual contact differently, because in my mind there’s a lot of things people can do without having sexual contact.” I don’t know if he fully understood what I meant, so I’m still a little confused and will def need to talk about it more at my next session.

So he wont admit that what he said was wrong and instead has chosen to tell you how you shouldnt feel and redefine what crossing the line means? That sounds very manipulative to me.

When a therapist brings something personal into therapy, it "muddies" the waters and is confusing, because now you have something else to deal with.....something that should NOT be part of therapy.

What he shared with you did NOT help you. Every therapist has a code of ethics they are supposed to follow. He sounds as if he is making excuses for his behavior....manipulating.

Did he answer that “yes you are attractive” or “ I am attracted to you”? I don’t think it’s the same

The exact words he said were “I think you’re very attractive” and “I think you’re attractive and I think you’re physically attractive, so yes I think you’re sexually attractive.” But before all this, we had defined what sexually attractive means, and defined it basically as someone you’re attracted to sexually. So that’s where I got that from, if that makes any sense. I do feel there’s a difference also.

Update: today he shared that he’s had sexual fantasies about me. He didn’t say what they were because he said he didn’t see how that would be helpful, but omg. I don’t know how to feel. It’s definitely making my feelings for him stronger though..

Run for the hills. Get a different T. This is red flags all over the place.

Unfortunately, I agree with Kit, Summer. He shouldn't have told you he has sexual fantasies about you. If he has them, OK, but that's something he should keep to himself. He's not helping your therapy in any way by sharing that....