[Ithinkimpsycho]

I think the only reason that I'm suffering the way I am is because I did something wrong to displease God. I don't know what it is.
I've prayed and prayed for years, but I receive no answer. I ask him to take this depression away from me, but I still carry this unnecessary weight. I don't think God wants me to be happy. I just think he wants me to suffer. He hasn't given me a partner, yet he gives me the ability to deeply love someone and a high sex drive. I don't understand!

I've been a Christian all of my life, but now I'm starting to deeply doubt my faith that he loves me. I keep thinking that he has a vendetta against me.

I have had many disputes with spirit dude over the years. A couple of shouting matches in church even. Often upon reflection I came to understand I missed some help because I was too busy being angry.

[muse]

I know the feeling. Lately it seems like no matter how hard I pray for things to improve, God just keeps throwing hardship my way. The phrase "God gives us mountains so we learn how to climb," often comes to me at those times, and I can't help but think, "I'm not a mountain climber! I just want a stable family environment. Is that too much to ask?!?!"

At the same time, I'm not willing to give up on God yet, because I know He hasn't given up on me. Why would He have laid this path out before me if He didn't know with total certainty that I could walk it, difficult as it sometimes becomes? With each step I take, even if I step on something that cuts my feet to ribbons and leaves me sobbing, I do become stronger, more independent, and a better person--not to mention a better Christian. Most, if not all, of the hardships I have endured have reinforced Christ's teachings in my life, and made me acutely aware of how I need to serve other people in this life. Sometimes that is difficult and it complicates this a lot, because with a mental illness of any kind you also have to be deeply aware of your own self and serve yourself first, at times.

I pray that the Lord comes through for you, my friend, and that He shows you, even in some small way, that He loves you, cares for you, and knows what you are going through. Even in my worst moments, even when my faith is so small I can barely feel it, I cradle that one small drop of hope I have left. Sometimes God does throw me a bone and shows me that, in the midst of suffering, there is happiness and hope: every good day, every tiny good thing that happens, I credit to Him.

Good luck and God bless!

[Elysium]

Originally Posted by Ithinkimpsycho

I think the only reason that I'm suffering the way I am is because I did something wrong to displease God. I don't know what it is.
I've prayed and prayed for years, but I receive no answer. I ask him to take this depression away from me, but I still carry this unnecessary weight. I don't think God wants me to be happy. I just think he wants me to suffer. He hasn't given me a partner, yet he gives me the ability to deeply love someone and a high sex drive. I don't understand!

I've been a Christian all of my life, but now I'm starting to deeply doubt my faith that he loves me. I keep thinking that he has a vendetta against me.

(((((ITIP)))))

I'm so sorry you are in pain. I don't often post in this forum because I (personally) haven't found it much of a sanctuary for me or my spirituality.

I respect your faith!! When I read your initial thread, it took me back to a time in my life when I was struggling with my faith. From what you wrote about your God, it sounds as if you feel he is malevolent, uncaring, neglectful, selfish, and retaliatory.

Now, I don't practice Christianity, but I do practice my own faith and when I think of someone else feeling so hurt and rejected by their God, it confuses me.

Your God is either malevolent, uncaring, neglectful, selfish and retaliatory, or he is not. If he is, you may want to consider the spiritual company you are keeping. If he is not, you may want to consider seeking more spiritual company.

I do not believe ANY God, from ANY faith would create or cause such harm. I believe that your God loves you and believes in you, but that if you give up on loving and believing in yourself, you will never recognize the true gifts your God is attempting to share with you.

I hope you can hear my words and know I share them with respect and empathy.

Take good care!!

[muse]

Originally Posted by Elysium

I do not believe ANY God, from ANY faith would create or cause such harm. I believe that your God loves you and believes in you, but that if you give up on loving and believing in yourself, you will never recognize the true gifts your God is attempting to share with you.

Oh wow, I wish I had said something this eloquent! In my desire to affirm "faith" I think I may have been rather insensitive to the pain you are feeling, ITIS. I want to apologize for that, and heartily second what Elysium has said here. It is a beautiful and important affirmation, and one we should all take to heart.

[Ithinkimpsycho]

Thanks, guys... that's all I have to say, I suppose.

Hope things are turning around for you, Ithinkimpsycho.

[silver8]

Originally Posted by Ithinkimpsycho

I think the only reason that I'm suffering the way I am is because I did something wrong to displease God. I don't know what it is.
I've prayed and prayed for years, but I receive no answer. I ask him to take this depression away from me, but I still carry this unnecessary weight. I don't think God wants me to be happy. I just think he wants me to suffer. He hasn't given me a partner, yet he gives me the ability to deeply love someone and a high sex drive. I don't understand!

I've been a Christian all of my life, but now I'm starting to deeply doubt my faith that he loves me. I keep thinking that he has a vendetta against me.

I hear your pain.
A while back I felt as you do. Then I read an interview in which Michael J Fox was asked: "Do you ask yourself 'why me?'" His reply was: "Why not me."

My prayers for all your problems are with you.

I am also praying that your relationship with God is on the mend--theo

[(JD)]

If it were from God and you've asked Him to show you, He would have, imo.

I heard something this week, well put I think, and in a way I had not remembered hearing before: we have trials not for who and where we are, but for who we are to be and where we are going in life.

I agree that the long trials often disappoint and frustrate. I'm tired of hearing the maxim I do believe is true, that one has a more difficult time because they are stronger and ready for it than a weaker one.

I carved out a quote of my own eons ago, when I learned it's truth, that for God-related trials, "it's not what you go through, but how you go through it."

I personally have come to believe that God only wants His creation to worship and honor Him, to trust Him. In that sense, it should not matter what we are having to deal with in life, but whether or not we trust God to know that we ARE trusting Him. Psalm 33:13-22 if you use such Scripture.

I hope something of my words can give you strength to continue on. You are loved.

[becomingfree]

Hi Ithinkimpsycho, Well to be truthful, anyone's relationship with their God, whoever he or she is, is rocky some of the time because most of us are too distracted by the tv, the internet, social problems, money and how we look etc to have any relationship with "God anyway."

So to begin with, rather than seeing and feeling everything is going against you, and God has a vendetta personally against you, just start to talk inside yourself and within your heart (yes, you can get there!) as deep as you can, and there address God, and ask for some assistance to sort things out. Ask if God is really against you? I think the answer will be "no."

Instead of laying blame, ask for assistance. I did that years ago when really down. And at that lowest ebb I found strength and quiet. You don't need to go to church for that. However you will need to give some time for quiet reflection inside yourself and not be afraid to go within. That is the basis of the spiritual search in any case, for every one.

[Vibe]

I could be way off base, but it sounds like you're just projecting a lot of these feelings upon God. For instance, you say you know what you did wrong and you've been praying for years about it. To some degree that sounds like dwelling, and not allowing yourself to move past things. One can ask God for forgiveness, but I don't think it will help much unless the forgiveness can be accepted.

It's also almost like you have this expectation for God to make it all better for you. I don't think in most religions that God was ever supposed to be a being who stepped in and moved your mountains. Instead he gives the strength for you to move them yourself, and the love and support to keep going when things are tough. If you've just been praying to wake up one morning with all your dreams achieved, then I can understand why you'd feel frustrated and hurt. But perhaps God is here to help us through the journey, not hurt us until we've proved ourselves then magically take it all away?

Also, you say God hasn't 'given you a partner.' Although love can be found in unexpected places, it's up to us to search for it then decide if we even wish to accept it. If you put yourself out there, then I wouldn't get too disheartened by not having someone now. Many people go years between relationships, and through relationships they'd rather not have had before finding someone they feel is right for them. This is a normal process, and one even the most loving of people often goes through. I guess that's another reason people believe in God though - so they don't feel so alone while going through the other important parts of their lives. Personally, I also never felt I'd find love. But looking back on it, during those times I also had so much extra time and energy to focus on helping myself. In a way, it may have been a blessing in disguise. I guess it's all perspective.

Anyways, again, sorry if I'm not exactly correct in all this. (Heh, not Christian.) I just don't want you to wait around for and feel rejected when it's not a necessity. I do understand it's normal to feel angry though, and God makes a great target for that. It just sounds like you may be more angry at how events in your life are turning out, and sometimes that's a blessings in disguise as it promotes change and acceptance. Just another way of viewing things.

[Naturefreak]

Originally Posted by Ithinkimpsycho

I think the only reason that I'm suffering the way I am is because I did something wrong to displease God. I don't know what it is.
I've prayed and prayed for years, but I receive no answer. I ask him to take this depression away from me, but I still carry this unnecessary weight. I don't think God wants me to be happy. I just think he wants me to suffer. He hasn't given me a partner, yet he gives me the ability to deeply love someone and a high sex drive. I don't understand!

I've been a Christian all of my life, but now I'm starting to deeply doubt my faith that he loves me. I keep thinking that he has a vendetta against me.

I feel exactly the same way , but don't you think He might have a priority list. As bad as our depression is , it could always be worse.
I never got any signs of a breather and I've prayed many times. I'm sure there are some people that have prayed for me . You just have to learn to live with it.