[allimsaying]

About 9 years ago I took a sort of vacation from work, from my normal life. I felt I had hit a sort of 'dead end ' in the road in my quest. My wife had left me, taken our son, my relationships had ended in pain, frustration, loneliness, and work, though I felt I had reached a pinnacle, held little satisfaction for me. I decided to 'take to the road' to try and find out what else was out there, to find out if I could connect with 'God', or whatever good spirit was out there. To do this I took little more than the shirt on my back, some clothes, and some tools to repair my car if it broke down. I had this idea that if things worked out right, I could maybe sell a handful of drawings I was working on, these were my personal mandalas, and earn enough money to buy something to eat, an occasional beer with good people, and I was willing to do whatever manual labor I could find to get buy on. I was committed to not asking for handouts.

First I went northeast. It was good. I reversed direction and went southwest. It was good. I was working in a square, hoping someone might notice me and offer a few bucks for one of my drawings, I needed to eat, and I saw a woman walking and chanting, giving blessings to random people as she walked along, a big smile on her face, and full of love. I don't know how she noticed me, or I her, but suddenly we were face to face. She gave me an interesting and odd look, with her smile, and I don't remember everything she said, but, she said to me, you will be blessed, you'll see, I am a strong one, and then she went on, continuing her blessings, smiling, and loving.

The incident was odd, beautiful, magical, spritual, profound. I continued my journey, I made discoveries, I found love, I found joy, I found wonder, and the womans words returned me when I dreamed and remembered. 'You'll see, I'm a strong one one.'

I have seen, I have been blessed. To you reading this, to you who believes, wants to believe. You will be blessed. You'll see. I am a strong one

[Thunder Bow]

Thank You for sharing a wonderful experience! I am doing the same basic thing you are doing and had the same experiences, in my own way of course. View my Video of what I had experienced on the below link:

You are experiencing your own Power!

[justmemaybe]

nice vid

I think we all gather a bit of the strong side in each and every one of us.
My grandmother was senca.

thanks for that one.

very insperational

[Thunder Bow]

Originally Posted by justmemaybe

nice vid

I think we all gather a bit of the strong side in each and every one of us.
My grandmother was senca.

Both of my parents were Navajo.

[allimsaying]

Doc John- Thank you for the requested edits.

A stunning video Thunderbow. I give you my respect and love.

I think its important to say that when we are speaking of the sacred, no matter what faith, every detail in life becomes meaningful and powerful. From the sky to the earth, to the feathers of a bird, to a grain of sand. Everything has a meaning, a place, and a purpose.

Its interesting that the Navajo sand paintings and mandalas have a lot in common in design and function. Each symbol has a special meaning, each meaning is a volume of spiritual information, so that looking at a feather for instance, means spirit, life, energy, beauty, freedom, kindness, love. Its my point of view that when the natives crossed the land bridge into the Americas, they brought with them the mandala art form and over time, adapted it to their personal circumstances. Mandala means, literally, magic circle of life and I wholeheartedly believe in the magic aspect. The magic is a product of the love we can feel and the regard we have for the sacredness of life, all life and all that it brings to bear in our own individual paths.

I can see you are not just a showman. This is real. I have a deep respect for your work.

I would also like to say that the journey of life, no matter what path we choose, is, itself, sacred. In my journey, what made it the most spiritually profitable, was not only those that I met, it was my attitude about the learning process. I could have easily laughed about the funny looking lady who thought she could create miracles. Instead, I took in the whole of her, who she was, what she was about, what her mission was about. Had I taken her lightly and with little respect, my reward would have been significantly less. She was not the only good spirit I met on my journey. It is a wealth I treasure deeply.

Justmemaybe- I think youre right, that strength filters to us in a natural way from others. How much we receive and how much we benefit is dependent on how open we are to receive the fullness of it. Your grandma was a strong one.

Shattered- It means a lot to me you found this inspirational. Blessings to you on your journey.

[justmemaybe]

Originally Posted by Thunder Bow

Both of my parents were Navajo.

my grandmother as i said senca. My grandfather was white

[Thunder Bow]

Ahe'hee' (Thank You)

[Thunder Bow]

Originally Posted by justmemaybe

my grandmother as i said senca. My grandfather was white

Aoo' + 8 charactors!

[justmemaybe]

sgëno................

[allimsaying]

I feel its important to say, at least its important to me, that before I had drawn my original mandala, I had no prior knowledge about them, what they were, or what they could do. Magic is the main word I would ascribe to them, and that is from personal experience, not something I had read or been told prior to discovering them quite accidentally. The healing energy of my first mandala began immediately even as I had no concept of what it was or would turn out to be.

I also think its very important that before I drew the first mandala, my state of emotional being was of distress. I felt that everything, and I tried a lot of things, I did to improve my state of mind, had failed. Missing my son was killing me. I felt completely backed against the wall with no where to turn and I came into a state of mind that I laid myself down before god in complete sincerity and gave up, turned myself over to whatever 'master being' existed, and told that being I was to be thier instrument if they wished it. Self was gone entirely, I became a servant to something, I knew not what, but something aside from myself. I knew I wanted to serve the 'energies' of 'goodness' as I understood them.

It was spring/summer, might have been 2002, or 2003. My most recent romance had ended in disaster, my work became frustrating and stressful. I had been taking zoloft for my depression and it was pulling me upwards enough that I was beginning to socialize a bit more and I was able to reach in past the darkness just a little more and found a place inside myself that felt a true, mysterious, magical energy towards life; a curiosity that beckoned me to come closer. I began to not only see, but feel the beauty of nature around me and it made me feel there truly was something deeper going on and I felt, psychotically, that I was able to tap this energy and bring it into myself, that, this energy, was a part of me and running thru me and that this same energy was available to anyone who trained and tried to access it. It felt very real but still off at a distance. The feeling came and I tried to bring it into my being so it would become permanent and for short periods it stayed but would slip away again.

I was still binge drinking at the time. I had gained quite a bit of control over my drinking but I was drawn to the scene. I felt that people were guiding me, saying those common asides that always seem to be said with little meaning. I began taking the meanings literally, as sub conscious guidance. Simple things, like 'enjoy' meant not just a feeling, but a way of life. The little sayings took on profound depth and wisdom for me. If someone said 'right on', I translated that and it meant right on, like I agree, but it had another meaning, like, ride on, like ride into the sunset. The world of double meanings opened up to me. Conversation took on a new and deeper aspect and humor awoke for me again. You can imagine what simple words like 'screw in a lightbulb' meant. But humor was not what I was seeking even though I had pleaded for years to have my sense of humor return. I was after Spirit.

I stopped taking zoloft. I had only taken it about a year but I became concerned that the zoloft might be causing some of this 'magical thinking' and I wanted to experience the real thing. I also didnt like the idea of being hooked to a drug.

Maybe a month had passed since this all began. I quit my job, it seemed a dead end and wasnt satisfying me spiritually. I decided to go in search of....... I didnt know what, something better, somehting real, something that made me feel like I felt when I felt the magic those short moments.

I didnt leave on my journey right away. I felt this energy growing inside me, not to its full potential, but growing, awakening.The distress I had previously experienced was replaced by a feeling of mystery and adventure. I felt as a child again, on the edge of great discoveries. Intrigue was my dominant emotion and a zest returned to my attitude. I spent my time allowing my curiosity to lead me, unchecked by my usual social inhibitions, I acted on my instincts of what 'felt right' in the moment. If I happened to be near the street, walking on the sidewalk and I noticed something unusual or interesting, I stopped to examine it, I didnt care how it might appear that I was 'crazy'. I began to notice all the little objects that get caught in the wind and blow against fences and I thought how so many of these items were still useful, yet here they were. given up as garbage with no meaning. I began to apply a different line of thought to what 'throw aways' were, for everything from paper and plastic cups, to the people society discards as useless and meaningless. I felt I was one of the meaningless of society and I began to develop a different attitude towards what gets discarded in life. Everything has a purpose and a place.

I was still wandering the streets of my hometown, seeing it with new eyes. There was a place on the edge of town, near a bluff, with some trees and some temporarily abandoned train restoration projects were. It had a small stream running through it. It was just off the beaten path and most people passed by never taking a second glance. It became my refuge. I went there to spirit pray.I felt the energy of the trees, the sky, the earth, the bluff, the water and I meditated on life, love and spirit. I noticed the particular angles of the the split tree trunk, the direction it had climbed to grow. I wondered what energy pulled it in that particular direction. It was a split tree trunk, one east, one west. I thought that fitting, it showed balance, equality, fairness. I noticed how it seemed to reach towards the near bluff, the bluff itself pointed west, towards the mountain, the mountain collecting the suns energy from the east and reverberating its spirit charged electrical current towards my bluff, and eventually into my tree. It all seemed magical, mystical, powerful, and real. I climbed into the tree and sat on its lowest branch. It was slightly damp from the mornings dew. It was then, believe this or not, I felt an electrical charge from the wood. Impossible, right? But I had felt it. I scrambled out of the tree, first in fear, but mostly in disbelief. But it had happened. I was totally, awesomely amazed and my sense of wonder almost overwhelmed me. I explained it as the power of spirit, something I had no clue of, but that obviously, really did exist.

I spent some days walking on the sidewalks of my town, returning to the 'magic' tree spot, pondering it all, looking for 'signs', keeping myself open, meditating to keep my energy positive.

I wandered down to my old dive, the saloon with the pool tables and the outside patio, the juke box, the bored and agitated bartender, the smells of cigarettes and spilled beer, the memories of the laughter, the falling down, the desperation and the music rotating in my consciousness. I didnt find much to hold me there and I walked outside, around back and to the right a little ways. There was an old beaten down fence there, the kind with the pickets pointed upwards to a point, a nice long row of them and as I squatted down to catch a little shade, the sun came through an opening between the slats and made a near perfect east/west shadow across my body and the ground around me. I thought it was interesting how I could position myself in front of this fence with only elemental considerations of direction, light, shadow and still be who I was, some misfit who didnt understand a lot of things, but this, this direction, this light,this shadow, I could comprehend. I could position myself in just such a way that I was in perfect alignment with the fence, the shadow, and the sun. Then it came to me.

Using the shadow and the gap in the fence, and the position of the sun, I began to align myself with the sidewalk, the building across the street, the horizon, the planet and stars beyond and deeply into the universe I couldnt see, only imagined and by turning just a little left, then a little right, then up just a bit and to the left again, I pointed my nose directly east, or what I believed was east and by the time I was all finished I knew exactly where I fit in the whole universe. That was an amazing feeling to at last 'know' where I fit and where I was.

It wasnt long after that when I went into the corner convenience store and in addition to cigarettes and gas, they had a small souvenir section. I walked to the display and there was a replica of buffalo horns there, with some feathers attached to it. There were some Native American carvings in the base of it and though I only had limited cash left after quitting my job I bought this piece and I took it to the 'magic' tree place where I sat it in the branches of the tree as an offering. My way of telling the spirits I acknowledged them and respected them. It was more of a growing reverence than respect but I wanted the spirits to know the message they were sending was getting through. A few days later I returned to the tree and the offering was gone. I suppose someone else may have taken it.

My cash was running low and I had to make a decision. I felt spirits pulling me strong and for some reason, they said, go northeast. I filled my car with gas and in my excited distraction of what I was doing, put my wallet with all my identity on top of the car and left town. My cash I still had in my pocket. Away to the road I went, the wallet sliding from the roof into the gas station parking lot as I left, myself none the wiser to it.

Northeast it was to be. I got on the highway and wondered where in the world I was going. Somewhere in the midwest I looked at the sky. Long thin clouds seemed to be fingers pointing me on. I followed them. I came into a town and looked around. It was a very quiet place. A large yard nearby held peacocks and their call was somehow strange, mystical, magical as I recalled the symbol of the peacock in Eastern religions. It felt right, good, to be where I was and though I didnt know the reason for my being there, I at once felt relaxed, peaceful, trusting, safe. I took a nap.

Something magnetic was pulling me onwards. I couldnt describe it, I couldnt explain it, I just felt it. I wondered what direction to turn next and it just came to me. North. So north I traveled, onward, to what I didnt know, but there was an undeniable energy pulling and pushing and making me move. Something whispered at the back of my sub conscious that what I was seeking lay just ahead.

I pulled into this small town on a highway spur. Thats the kind of circling road that makes you lose all sense of direction as you're coming into town and suddenly I didnt know if I was going east, west, north, or south. I let the road take me into town.

It was an old cowpoke sort of town with a few motels, a saloon, a few general stores. Not big but big for the area. I wondered what had pulled me to this place but I was open to finding out why.

After looking around a little bit I parked the car near an intersection on main street where a large man, about my age, was talking to a little boy on a bicycle. The boy stopped talking when I walked up and they both turned to me. the town was small enough that strangers get noticed right away.

The man told me tonight was 'drag night' for the local kids. That the police made a deal with the local high schoolers that they wouldnt be ticketed for showing off thier cars power by squeeling its wheels at take off and the like. I looked around but didnt see much action going on so I jumped in my car, a 1980 Eagle station wagon I had tuned to exact precision and pulled up to the intersection, raced the engine, and popped out the clutch. The car started shaking, the tires started spinning and smoking, I felt the power and I felt the pride of having built it to be that way, until the driveshaft snapped. Looked like I was going to be in town awhile.

To be continued....

[avlady]

When?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[allimsaying]

Its taken a lot of time to organize this in my thoughts, years actually. A new friend at PC started this discussion with me in PM. I decided to transfer my reply to them into this thread. Its a story Ive wanted to tell for years. Thanks for reading (((avlady)))). This is personal and deep for me, it may take awhile.

[Thunder Bow]

Are you going to publish your experiences in a Book? This remind me of a book called "Blue Highways" by William Least HeatMoon.

[allimsaying]

I looked up the book by William Least Heat Moon on Wiki. I might even have read it at some point. I used to make trips to the local used book store but I have a hard time remembering titles and authors for some reason so I cant say for sure if Ive read that one or not right now. From Wiki's description there may be some similarity. I think travel adventure stories share some common elements. The sense of wonder, joy, and discovery. This isnt so much an accounting of my travel. It is a true story about personal transformation. Thanks for reading Thunderbow.

[allimsaying]

'The Godrooted heart blossoms in wonderway.'

Mandala. Shambala Productions, Inc. 1972, Boulder Colorado. ISBN 0-87773-033-4.
Out of print.

I have to back up a few steps. I missed something key to this story.

When I arrived in town I followed the main road thru from its west edge to its east edge. I wanted an idea of how big the place was, what was in it, what might I run into here? I was still feeling very spirit guided and I let the car roll past the places I knew I would be returning to. I was low on gas, low on funds and I was about to discover I had no identity, but first, I wanted a sense of this place and I followed the road to a park on the edge of town. As the car kept rolling I took in the surroundings. I might remember this wrong but it seems like the park was one of those memorial parks where they put out flags and remembrances of the fallen from previous wars. I wish I could remember exactly but I'd been in similar memorial parks and it always raises my sensitivity to my surroundings, the sacredness of the place always elevates about 90 degrees for me in those places.

I looked over the surroundings and let the car roll to a tree I picked out. It was large, full branches spread out evenly, creating a lot of shade and I needed that right then.

I stopped, cant remember if the radio was playing or what song, I liked U2 a lot, maybe that was on, and I knew I had arrived at 'the destination'. I dont know how I knew, I just knew I would be here awhile because of being low on cash and needing work.

The first thing I did was pay homage to the park. Someone had put it here in thoughtfulness of the random travelers like me just needing a place to pull over and take a rest. I thanked God for putting those people ahead of me and giving them that insight.

I dont know if I noticed right away but I soon discovered the park also provided a free campground, free shower, grills for cooking and restrooms, and water. These were all necessities and I gave thanks again and again for someones kindness.

It had been a long trip and I wondered again about the sanity of what I was doing but it didnt last long. Here I was and it was time to deal with it. I was excited, optimistic, filled with spirit.

I looked at the trees across the park. Some were to my east and they cast shadows along the the road where anyone could pull up and catch a break from the heat. It was sort of humid too. There was a semi wide river cutting through the park and I thought about jumping in the water for a bit to cool off but I didnt. Something else was wanting my attention and I picked up a small notepad I had and began to think.

I cant remember exactly what went through my thoughts. Im sure I must have thought about my son, felt a stab of pain in my heart that I couldnt heal in any way. I might have reflected back on all the things that had happened to me that brought me to this place, my divorce, the drunken nights, the girls I'd loved, the broken hopes, the misery. Im sure I cried a little bit.

I gathered up my strength and I began to think about spirit and how it somehow gave me some kind of energy I was needing to experience all this. How it seemed to calm and soothe and made me feel everything was going to be alright, that it wouldnt abandon me and would love me, even if I couldnt love myself right then. It felt warm, kind, strong and present.

I took my little pad and I began to draw. I didnt know what I was drawing at first but it came to mind to me that the sun always rises in the east. Sunrise, new life, new beginnings. Thats what I needed right then. Then it occurred to me the sun always sets in the west. So I drew east/sunrise on the pad and west/ sunset on its opposite side. I thought about sunset and how it was similar to exiting life so I had on the page a begining and an ending but I didnt like the idea of endings so I changed the meaning of ending/death to mean passing instead. It occurred to me further that on the east, with the sunrise and new life, it was something like the seasons, when spring brings the new flower buds and leaves on the trees, the grass turns green again and the birds sing. East meant new life to me, spring. Correspondingly, West meant the passing of that life but it was not the end. The sun travels around the earth and comes up again in the east so it is a cycle. West represented fall and winter, changing times, changing seasons, changing life. I did my best to depict that in the drawing.

I had accounted for east and west, beginning and passing but it left a few directions I didnt account for. north to me meant up because when you look at a map, the little directional symbol always has an arrow pointing to the top of the page for north. So north was up and I thought, didnt that make south down? Again, I didnt like the idea of down. Down was what I was trying to escape so south became the lower curve in the circle/swing of the cycle. I was determined I didnt want anything 'negative' in my drawing. So I was looking at a multi-directional drawing with no end, only beginnings and from inside the cycle many things could happen: Life, death, sorrow, sadness, happiness, rebirth, movement. It further occurred to me the drawing wasnt complete yet. Unseen and hard to portray on my 'map' were the directions of up, to the sky, and down, to the earth. It was then I became aware there were actually six directions, not four. I changed north to mean 'the top'; south to mean the lower end of the top, and up was up, to the sky, to the stars, to far beyond what I could see or imagine; down was down, to the earth, where I stood, where I was grounded.

I didnt know it at the time but I had drawn my first mandala. I sat with it awhile and felt its energy. It felt good. In some way, it felt like the center of me, like that it came from deep inside my center, of who I was and what I was about. It was a drawing of my spirit and I felt it connect to me, and onward, to out of me, to all the other spirits around me where it swirled and mixed, and then back to me again. It made us complete and whole and all part of one thing together. The circle was complete.

I just wanted to get this out here today, Im not sure how much I can add to this or when. I will as Im able. Thanks to everyone who reads. Blessings on you.

[allimsaying]

I took my spirit filled self downtown. It was time to meet the locals, see what this town was all about. Thats when I met 'Bear'. I rolled the car into a parking spot on main street. It wasnt driving anywhere for awhile. Bear had a funny grin on his face and I looked underneath the car to confirm what I thought had happened. I was lucky. It was only the driveshaft attaching bolts that had sheared off. There was enough of a stub left on the bolt I thought it might be possible to turn them out with a pair of vice grips but I wasnt in a rush. I needed to find work to pay my way out of town and back home so I figured why hurry?

Bear kind of laughed with me, I laughed with him. He said that was one hell of a burn-out and I agreed, then he asked me what I was going to do now and I said I thought I better get the car moved somewhere off the street. He had a big truck and we tied a tow rope to it and then he towed me around the block, next to one of the motels. He had to get home so I told him thanks and then sat down to figure out what I needed to do.

There was a large sand lot next to the street where the car was parked and I thought it would be better if I could move the car off the street and into the lot. I started pushing and steering and it was moving, but slowly.

Three people came up the block and they could see I needed some help so they came over and started helping me push. Together we got the car where I wanted it to be. After helping me push they introduced themselves.They lived on the reservation near town and had come into town to see friends, get a beer. They were Lakota Sioux.

I had often thought about the reservations and the people who lived there. It seemed they got such a rotten deal to me. As I had been driving northeast I thought to myself that I would like to go as far as Sioux Falls. I wanted to experience the natives' culture. It was so different from our European culture. I thought it had more meaning to it, more depth, more appreciation of life and earth. I was disappointed when I realized I didnt have enough gas to make it that far and had instead turned north. What I didnt know at the time was that, by changing direction north,I was headed straight towards Rosebud Indian Reservation.

I had seen the signs on the highway directing tourists towards Wounded Knee, South Dakota. I didnt know my history that well but I knew an awful massacre had taken place there. As I traveled on I felt compassion for those who suffered so greatly in this terrible event, the aftermath still not forgotten. I knew I was getting closer to sacred grounds as I kept moving north.

Wounded Knee Massacre - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

I nicknamed the three who helped to push my car "my three little Indians". I didnt mean that disrespectfully. It was a way of feeling closer to them somehow, like adopting them in some way. They seemed misplaced, made to live in a way they didnt choose, forced to accept a style of life they didnt want, and if they were a little bitter about it, who wouldnt be? But they werent bitter. They were proud and it showed. I felt sad that things were such a mess for them. Living on subsidies, thier way of life taken from them, replaced with dependence on a sometimes unmerciful landlord. They made a point of making me see that of all people who had seen me pushing my car, it was them who came to help. I had to agree with them. It was very kind of them to help me and silently I wondered how I was going to help them in return. They wandered away into town and I hoped it wouldnt be the last time I saw them.

[avlady]

just make this into a book

[allimsaying]

I hope this isnt offending anyone. Is that a request to stop? Its turning into a book isnt it? I suppose I always have wanted to do that. I put this here for anyone interested, but mostly to any others who are searching, trying to find their way, not sure which direction they should turn, and not finding thier truth by conventional means. I dont expect anyone to copy me and Im not looking for converts. It would heal my soul in so many ways though if anyone received any good from this.

[Thunder Bow]

You are an excellent writer and you should write/publish a book! Are you famillar with the Shields? Do you know about the Vision Quest?

[allimsaying]

Honestly, my memory has burned out more than I remember. Vision Quest is slightly familiar. The Shields I know nothing about. You could tell us here or start your own thread, either way, Im interested.

[Thunder Bow]

Look online for the Book: "Seven Arrows" by H. Storm. That is good start for you.