[Queen of Chaos]

I read something recently I guess I've always known but had almost forgotten. Some religious traditions say that if we don't forgive those who sin against us then God will not forgive us for sinning against him, as we all do in spite of how hard we try not to.

I got to thinking...how does anyone really forgive someone? It seems important to me to work my way through this question. I only know one person who I struggle all the time to understand and try to make myself forgive...but the sense of hurt, of a lifetime of frustration and mental/emotional struggles caused by this person ARE ALWAYS WITH ME.

We hear things like "forgive but never forget" but suddenly I find myself thinking that's not going to cut it!! When you really try to tell yourself you've forgiven somebody, have you if you never stop remembering???

I've had the question in my mind for days - just wondered what others might think? Forgiveness is not really an easy subject to think deeply about. The more I try to think about it, the more I realize I cannot delve too deeply into my thoughts.

Any takers?

[Open Eyes]

Queen of Chaos,
I understand what your saying, forgiving is something that is very very difficult to comprehend doing in certain situations. I do struggle with that myself.

I have forgiven many people in my past because they caused harm to me due to their illnesses or life struggles. I cannot ever forget the consequences I suffered, it is clear to me that I cannot erase my past. But I can find ways to recognize certain malfunctions in others where I ended up becoming a victim. And it doesn't mean that I have to allow that other person to participate in my life in any way ever again, it doesn't mean that I have to truely love that person or accept them in my life or be responsible for them in any way.

I will say that at the moment I still sruggle from damage that I am still addressing due to a neighbor's negligence. That neighbor could have submitted a claim to their insurance company, however they are denying something that they had admitted to, is a fact and resulted in a lot of damage to my life and income and state of mind. The reason they are not just putting in a claim is that they do not want to be responsible for more than an insurance company will cover. Even though they knew their electric containment system had failed and they failed to fix it, were negligent, they do not want to pay for the result of that negligence. It has effected so many aspects of my life that I truely cannot even wrap my brain around it. In this case I am still trapped with a lot of damage so honestly, to forgive this is not in the realm of my capacity right now. In fact I am on the phone today trying to beg credit card companys that hold this debt for veterinary expenses etc, in a hope that somehow I can find a way to lower interest rates or payments. And how I am going to achieve this is beyond me because the money is just not there, so this continues to effect my credit rating which for all my life was excellent but now god only knows what it is. So I honestly cannot conceive forgiveness in this area at the moment.
And the neighbor is still not nice and still finds ways to trespass, how can anyone forgive that?

I do my best to forgive to the best of my ability, but it doesn't mean we should turn into best buddies or friends or allow any person who has caused harm into our lives and hearts.

Open Eyes

[kj44]

I can't forgive, I just move on. I don't want to forgive, even for things done years ago.

[di meliora]

Hello, Queen of Chaos. Have you read Dr. Hanson's article that I talk about here: http://forums.psychcentral.com/showt...ht=forgiveness

[Fuzzybear]

[SunnyD]

I really liked this:


Forgiveness by suecfar, on Flickr

[Neurontin]

I understand too...Ive struggled with resentments and unforgiveness for years and the only one who suffered was me...I guess words cant express my feelings on this....... other than forgiving the persons who has harmed me "Is for my well being not theirs".....It feels great to know I dont need to live that hurt anymore....Hang in their...and if you dont want to forgive....you dont have to...Thanks Peter

[33yankee33]

Queen of Chaos.
I agree that we should always strive to forgive. Failure to do so only give those who hurt you space in your head, rent free. Forgetting is another matter all together. Sometimes it's just too traumatic to forget. I was physically, sexually and emotion abused by my step-father for 15 1/2 years. My mother not only knew about it, she participated in it. I have forgiven them both but I will never be able to forget. Other times forgetting would only lead to you get used, hurt, scammed, etc again. Bottom line is that forgiveness is essential for our mental health.

[lynn P.]

I think it depends on the deed. I've heard of family members forgiving the person who murdered their loved one and even saw a woman who survived being shot 3 times...forgive the shooter. It takes a great deal of work and going through a process to attain that level of forgiveness. I liked the poem SunnyD left and last 2 posters Neurontin and 33yankee33 - you can make the choice not to let it occupy your mind and hold you back. There's also different types of forgiveness - such as the wrong doer apologizes sincerely and the other person accepts or the victim decides in their own mind to put the deed to rest and not dwell on it anymore. I also agree forgiveness doesn't mean you condone or have contact with the person. I also think a person should have the permission not to forgive but at least they shouldn't continue to ruminate and feel stressed over it.

[needfixing]

Hello Queen of Chaos~
forgiving for me means letting go of the past, and giving up the hope that the past could be any different.
accept the wrong that was done to me, not accepting that it was ok that it happened to me, or blame myself for it.
the trust and leaning on to my faith helped me understand the meaning of forgiveness.
(((hugs))) thank you for sharing.

[space1234567]

hello.I think forgivness is a great thing.but everybody is not able to forgive.for ex me.I never forgive and forget.only when I hurt his/her as much as they me maybe in that case I forgive but not forget.It is said remembering bad things very harmful for health.anyway forgetting and forgiving is almost imbossible for me.
sometimes a person who hurt others get so much bad things in this life that there is no need to do the same with him anymore.that is called God's punishment.and I think only unhappy people hurt others.happy people don't need to do bad things without any reason.I know One TRUE thing.EVERYONE MUST BE AFRAID OF GOD.AND i AM SURE ONE DAY WHO HAS HURT YOU, WILL BE PUNISHED.BE SURE.

I just have a small thought to add about forgiveness, I always had the idea that forgiveness was like some kind of gift to the person you are forgiving, as in it's about them, same with the forgetting.

Forgiveness to me is no longer about the other person. It is soley about myself. It isn't something I am giving or offering them. It is something I am giving to myself. I don't need to tell someone I have forgiven them, they don't even need to know about it in most cases. Alot of times the other person isn't the one walking around with all the feelings and attachment to the circumstances, but you are. I have really been able to forgive people for my past hurts looking at it this way.

For example my abusive father, I had to let go of the idea that he should be sorry, and want to be forgiven. I forgave him because it was freedom for myself. For whatever reasons he did what he did, I might never understand. If he would have apologized would it have been enough? Probably not, would his reasons made any difference on the outcome? Probably not. I never told him I forgave him and we didn't speak, he passed away. And I'm ok with that. I have forgiven and I have peace within myself. With forgiveness come freedom, from the feelings, of having to continue carrying them around with me. I can lay them to rest and move on. You don't so much forget but with time you slowly think about it less and less. And when you do think about it, there is alot less negative feelings about it, just sort of an aknowlegdement that it happened and more of a peaceful feeling.

Ok I'm sort of rambling now. Just the idea that forgiveness is an act towards ourselves, not necessarily an act towards others.

[space1234567]

Anika you have big heart probably.you write so smart words