Having an existential crisis

I've read from several sources about what an existential crisis is, now I think I get it. This pretty much sums it up:

"An existential crisis is often provoked by a significant event in the person's life — psychological trauma, marriage, separation, major loss, the death of a loved one, a life-threatening experience, a new love partner, psychoactive drug use, adult children leaving home, reaching a personally-significant age etc. Usually, it provokes the sufferer's introspection about personal mortality, thus revealing the psychological repression of said awareness."

Although I have had episodes of major depression, they cannot compare to this. As the quote above says, it can be brought on by psychoactive drug use. I have posted several times on this site about my battle with withdrawing and recovering from long term benzo use and I truly believe that it is the core reason. It's like someone has taken my body, cut off the top of my head, turned me upside down and shook everything out. Then put everything I ever was taught or learned in life in a blender and poured it all back in.

I truly do not know what to do with myself or what to think anymore. This is way beyond depression. So I get no comfort in previous spiritual beliefs at all. All I know is that I want something to change ASAP and do not know how to go about repairing my sick mind, body or soul. Most often I just wish for death to come about, but of course I am terrified of that prospect. I had a health scare recently and totally freaked out. I do not think I am well physically now because of all this, you cannot have a healthy body if you have a unhealthy state of mind in my opinion.

I truly believe that a therapist is not going to help me whatsoever so where do I go for help with this?

I don't know if you have a therapist already or not, but I find therapy great for my existentialism. I didn't think it would do any good, but there is a lot that can be said to help your mindset.

Hello ForeverLonelyGirl: Well, I just recently posted these thoughts in response to another member's Thread. But at the risk of repeating myself too often, I will write a similar comment here. I believe it is apropos.

There is a wonderful book titled: A Hidden Wholeness- The Journey Toward an Undivided Life by Parker J. Palmer. In this book, Mr. Palmer observes: "... most people can and must come to life in their own way and time, and if we try to help them by hastening the process, we end up doing harm... Instead of fixing up, or letting down, people who have a problem, we stand with simple attentiveness at the borders of their solitude-- trusting that they have within themselves whatever resources they need and that our attentiveness can help bring those resources into play. (P's 63 & 64)

What Palmer is saying, I believe, is no one can really understand another person's pain. The thicket of thoughts & experiences that dwell within each of us is simply too twisted. But, understanding this, what each of us can do is to stand at the perimeter of another's sacred circle & be present for, be a witness to, that person's process of self-healing. So when you ask: "where do I go for help with this?" my response is, ultimately you must go within.

However, Palmer also states, no one can successfully take this journey alone. One must have, around them, a community of people who know how to be quietly supportive with no: "fixing, saving, advising, or setting the person straight." Finding such people is, of course, the challenge. And I don't, unfortunately, have any great suggestions as to how to go about this. So I will just say I am standing at the perimeter of your circle...

Great food for thought Skeezkys,

I guess that could be true that we have to come to that conclusion ourselves, which obviously would take some time. I am past middle aged and don't have much time left I don't think. Who knows? So I've spent almost 2 years now trying to recover and I don't think that magically I am going to wake up tomorrow all healed and happy. Really I have tried to keep a positive outlook about the whole thing, but it is really difficult as time drags on and nothing magnificent has happened.

I keep thinking that getting back to my 'spiritual' roots (cannot say what I really mean by that here evidently) and get with other like minded people would help me a lot. I tried that months ago but felt too freaked out to sit in an audience.

I keep saying that I need to talk to a therapist and I need to make more of an effort, plus there is the big money issue. I have to talk to someone, my sons would not want to hear that I am going through an existential crisis.

I have found health scares to be good for existentialism when I get good results of course. Every day from then on seems like a bonus

Foreverlonelygirl - I could list off some things like mindfulness and yoga and expressing creativity but you can get free advice anywhere.
I want you to know that you are not the only one going through a crisis. Everyone I know has some kind of crisis.
The most difficult thing for me to do has been to give up my childish expectations of living happily ever after. There has been much suffering in my life and there are no easy answers so I wake up to each day and try to find one treasure in the time I have today.
I will admit that mindfulness or meditating does help me feel a connection to within, but anything can be that for us.
If you want more info or just to share, feel free to PM me or post here.

Hello again ForeverLonelyGirl: Yes, I understand what you're saying. I'm 66 & I know I will never "heal". I have carried the issues I have, I believe, since birth (or maybe before) & I will have them with me when I die. I do think many of us, as we begin to age, become more spiritually aware. I suppose it's only natural. And yes talking to a therapist might be a good idea. Personally I have never found them to be helpful. However, I know many people do.

In A Hidden Wholeness Palmer talks about how we cannot do the introspective work that is necessary in order to heal ourselves without having a supportive group around us. And, as I think I mentioned in my previous reply, therein lies the dilemma. Where does one find the kind of supportive group Palmer writes about? I certainly don't have one. I pretty-much keep to myself as much as possible. The likelihood of me finding such a group is vanishingly small. So to the extent I am going to experience any healing at all, or at least continue on the way I am, I have to be able to accomplish this alone.

For instruction with regard to how one can heal oneself, I turn to the Buddhist nun Ani Pema Chödrön. Pema teaches the ancient Tibetan Buddhist practices of Lojong & Tonglen. But, the main concept in Pema's writings I embrace is: one can learn to accept the things about oneself one most dislikes. One can learn to sit with one's depression, anxiety, loneliness, or whatever & over time the process of sitting with these concerns will cause them to fade. As Pema has written: you can start where you are. One can think one is the worst person who ever existed. That's a great place to start! The things which are of the most concern to you, or which you dislike, are your treasure. They are the building blocks, so to speak, of your recovery.

i have found, after many years of solitude, that life has it's own skills, and offers us constant opportunities for 'therapy'. anything we can do to change in ways that reduce suffering and enhance calm are much to be desired. if there is more meaning to life than this, i don't know (don't much care).

i hope you find a path to calm acceptance......

I've read the Parker Palmer book recently. It was pretty good. I'll recommend one other that has really helped me with my journey: Falling Upward by Richard Rohr.

I enjoyed the book: Plato not Prozac: Applying Eternal Wisdom to Everyday Problems.

I think you should get aquainted with C.S.Lewis. You can read many of his famous, inspiring, in-depth works on the web. I'm an intellectual sort who needs proof of everything and, though the spiritual cannot be proven in the human scientific method, I found his works to be a treasure trove of deep, sensible, understanding of God and God's ways with mankind.

Unless you've been done, done that, maybe it would be beneficial to go whole hog and read some books by existentialist authors such as Sartre.

I've had this kind of contemplation going on for some time, but I watch the birds, my dog and cat for clues about the meaning of life.

It is simply to live, moment by moment, and enjoy the sun while it's out and realize that the rain is going to bring growth that will feed you in the spring. It's to play whether or not there is someone to play with, nap when you can, and cuddle whenever possible.

I think maybe there really is no real "meaning", just living.

I personally do not think Existential though/philosophy will help one. I've delved into it, and find it empty and bereft of anything that could guide one to any kind of spiritual or psychological peace. That said, neither do I subscribe to other faith-based philosophies. In essence, I don't know the answer, but others here have given some good advice.

I am sorry for how you are feeling.

Well said. Well said.

So last night I typed into my browser, "all freaked out and having an existential crisis" which led me to your older post. Glad to know I'm not alone but so hope, oh God yes, you're better. As you said, this is far worse than depression...this is Hell.

And particularly hell for someone like me who went from great spiritual believing to...this, that we disintegrate. Nothing follows our decay. Heavy-duty when you think about it.

You received some great responses, and hopefully both you and I will benefit. I plan to get this book that Anonymous first posted. I love what she quoted...love it...

In this book, Mr. Palmer observes: ... most people can and must come to life in their own way and time, and if we try to help them by hastening the process, we end up doing harm... Instead of fixing up, or letting down, people who have a problem, we stand with simple attentiveness at the borders of their solitude-- trusting that they have within themselves whatever resources they need and that our attentiveness can help bring those resources into play.

Thank you for letting me join your group. I'll try to stand with simple attentiveness at the borders of your solitude as I hope you will do the same for me. TY again.

TnAnnie

I'm not very knowledgeable about benzos etc. But I have had some university training and work experience relating to physiological systems such as endocrine and neurotransmitters that I believe sound logical. Some of these developments focus on rebalancing physiological disruption in the body that can contribute to one's emotional state. My understanding is that a lot of research and development is currently being focused in this area, so there might be some new cutting-edge options you could explore?