[Robyn222]

I am someone who has had worsening depression for several years. I have it all of the time but over the past few years I have grown pretty much treatment resistant having tried pretty much everything, while the depression has grown much much worse. Last year remeron was added to my effexor and for a year I have been almost free from the depression. My doctor said I could raise this dose some if I need to, but I know that after the remeron there really isn't much else for me out there anymore. So you can imagine my true alarm when I began waking up with the morning dreads recently. For me the morning dreads are just awful. My stomach just churns as I try to do anything but wake up to the day. When I wake up I try to just grit my teeth and bear the terrible anxiety and terror that overlay the deep pessimism and sadness that underly everything. I know that by evening I will feel almost ok. But, that is many hours away. In the meantime I have hours to fear everyting. To think about this horrible disease and what will happen to me if I cannot get it to go away again. How much more of my life will it steal? I was just getting my life on course. I am 54 years old. I had a plan!!! I was going to make it! Now this. I feel I am being stalked by this thing. It is always there threatening me at every turn. Threatening to take the little I have left in my life. I no longer think about joy or happiness. I simply want to have enough money to keep my house. I simply want to keep emotional hell away from me. It is all I want anymore. Emotional hell is like yesterday. Crying and fearul. Getting lost on the way home from the dentist because my concentration is so bad I missed my exit and did not realize it for awhile and had no idea where I was! Fearing that my plans for a future are shot. Fearing being an emotional cripple for the rest of my life and being alone forever. I have been alone for years. You don't have depression for most of your life without some sort of fall out. Lack of deep relationships has been my biggest fall out. I fear being totally unable to cope. I fear feeling so terrible for so long that I do take my life. Depression is losing all sense that God means anything in your life because God is supposed to always be there for you in the form of faith and faith is the one thing you cannot have in a deep depression--so how is God supposed to exist for me in any practical sense? Depression is gaining huge amounts of weight from the only antidepressant that seems to work because the alternative is total hell and being hugely fat is only hell. I am scared you guys. I am so scared. I don't know what to do anymore. This disease will not leave me alone. It has robbed me of so much of my life. I am afraid it will rob me of the rest of it.

[(JD)]

I'm sorry you are in such a black pit. What does your psychologist tell you to do when you are thinking and feeling this way?

[recluse1]

i know the feeling of hopelessness, of helplessness, and of dread. it's a terrible thing to feel and a horrible way to have to live. but you are not alone. so many of us here go through this daily as well. you have resources and support from PC. many who are willing to listen and to share experiences with. you don't have to suffer alone or in silence, so many here are willing to help any way we can to help you thru this.

on a more personal note, for me personally, getting back into church has helped me more than any meds i have ever been on over the years. the love and support i receive from my church family has brought joy back into my life. for so long i felt exactly like you described, with God's help, and the love and acceptance that my church family so freely gives, i finally feel like i am living. Rather than meerly surviving. please feel free to pm me anytime. i know how lonely the darkness can be.

[1oxbowgirl]

Robyn, I know of the deep empty sadness of which you speak. I know how hard it can be just to face another day, let alone another year. You mentioned about the fear of losing your house and this stress alone could cause the depression that is haunting you now. The worry of being able to pay bills or buy food or gas, has a great many people wondering about how to get by.
In my own life the only thing that has held me together is my belief in God. I take to Him in pray all my troubles and ask for His help in all things. That trust is harder to hold on to when we let ourselves sink into nothingness. But even in darkness you can start my speaking to Him as if He is in the same room with you. Speak out loud, tell Him how you feel and what you need and keep doing that through-out the days until you begin to feel your faith returning. Then let trust in God guide you each day. Continue talking to Him, getting both sorrow and anger out. It is like some say to write it all down in a journal, to get it out of your head and on to paper. But when you trust with all your heart that God is working in your life, that is when the effects of deep deep depression will start to fade away and you will begin to feel normal again. My prayers are with you that all will worrk out in your life. That you will gain strength and joy, peace and laughter, and most of all hope for a brighter future in the coming days.

[(JD)]

I wish you to return and share more about yourself. There is hope. In fact, you have a little, at least enough to come and post here and share how hopeless you are feeling. (((hug)))

[kittykatz]

Robynn,
Please don't give up! I have to believe there IS something out there (and it may not be in a bottle) that WILL make me feel OK.
I need YOU and others like you here!!! I need your support so that I can keep finding the strength every day to do some small thing to help me find that 'something' and so do you. Think of times when you felt good, and hold those pictures in your head. If you can feel that way once, you CAN AGAIN, right?!
Take care-Kitty

There is hope Robyn...... hang on girl..... we know your pain and we can tell you there is reason to hope. The clouds will open and meanwhile we are here to help you learn to dance in the rain.

Let us help you Robyn. Let us be your hope for as long as you need us to help carry your burden. Let us fill your head with positive affirmations. Let us remind you why you matter and the gifts we see in your precious spirit. Let us be your friend Robyn and let us fill your heart with new hope. We are full of hope and we know the promises of hope. Let us share our hopes with you Robyn.

Take care..... but a hope away.......

[recluse1]

Please keep in touch and let us know how you are doing and if there is anything we can offer in the way of support and friendship.

[(JD)]

<font color="purple">Hebrews 6:18,19 That by two immutable things, in which it was impossible for God to lie, we might have a strong consolation, who have fled for refuge to lay hold upon the hope set before us: which hope we have as an anchor of the soul, both sure and steadfast, and which entereth into that within the veil.

</font>

Do not doubt in the darkness, what you knew to be true in the light.

[fatamorrighan]

I am sorry you are so down and shaken. It can be very dark and lonely in our life some times. I also know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I have also suffered from depression and panic/anxiety disorders. It seems like when I work through one issue, another would pop up. One of my lowest points was when I got so afraid I could no longer go out. I stayed home for a year. I was too afraid to leave the house. They something changed, I got angry at my disorders; I resented these issues controlling my life. I began to fight back; I refused to be a victim ever again. I did a lot of the therapy, meds, and spiritual work. Examples of this is: meditation, biofeedback, music therapy, art therapy. I picked myself up and never looked back. It may seem bad now, but I believe you can get through this.

dore.... Robyn