Can't let go

How can I get through this when I can't let go? My husband committed suicide two years ago, and I can't let go or get passed it. I was in another city with my daughters family giving support for my son in law, who had just lost his brother to suicide, when my husband did this. When I came home, I found him. So many questions, but never an answer. Never have closure. I don't know how to forgive and forget this selfish act. My family has been very supportive of me, including my son and daughter, and I know they have problems dealing with this sometimes, but they seem to be dealing with this better than I am. I don't know how. It's making me sick. I have reservations to go away for a few days, but that's not for a couple months. I've talked to my preacher, been to a therapist numerous times. But I'm so confused. I have to be strong for my kids. And the grandbabies, but what about me. I'm falling apart inside. My son said I was getting to be a bitter old woman. I don't want to be. I want to be the way I used to be. Nothing bothered me. I could let things go. I can't anymore. Why can't I let it go and move on?????????

I'm wondering if your grief is complicated by the trauma of your husband's suicide?

My father committed suicide on Halloween 1981. I can't say I didn't see it coming. My father was on a path of self-destruction for a long time. I was in severe shock for a long time, I felt completely lost. I felt shattered. I had a crisis of faith, and it caused me to go deeper in seeking a spiritual answer. I started to look into alternative therapies and paths. I read voraciously everything I could find looking for answers.

Looking back now, so many years later I can see it was a psychological and spiritual turning point for me. Eventually, I rediscovered my path--on which I'd always been walking.

I don't know if forgiveness is available to you yet. It is specific to your spiritual path.

Sending you kind thoughts of healing.

Forgiveness is a challenging spiritual practice. I had to settle for acceptance to start out with. Accepting that the unacceptable had happened and that it hurt--badly.

I really feel grief counseling would benefit you. I want you to know you are not alone. maybe find a group for people that have lost loved ones to suicide. are you somehow blaming yourself in this? I sure hope not hon. please post this in grief and loss forum also. there are others there that might be able to offer some support as well.

I'm so sorry for your lost...This is really difficult....but you have to accept it, he's not there anymore...that was his choice and he did it....
I can't even imagine what you went through....
The only thing can cool you down is "Faith"....find a spritual path and practise it in your daily life, it will make you relax....and try to help others....cherishing others and helping them without expectations is a key to happiness
god bliss you
Marjan

Hi, Kodiak. I am so sorry about the tragedy you have experienced. It is no wonder you are suffering; witnessing the aftermath of a suicide is never an inconsequential experience, especially when the subject of the suicide is someone well known to you.

I have often wondered how people who have had an experience (such as the one you have had) manage to overcome the trauma. It would not be too presumptuous to question whether or not you are suffering with some degree of post-traumatic stress sydrome. God knows, you have gone through enough of a shock to justify such a consideration.

Please understand that when your son says you are becoming bitter, etc., he is saying this from the perspective of a much younger person with a limited number of experiences. Just wait until he is your (our) age! The world has a way of turning even the most sanguine person into a bit of a cynic, don't you think? I also think your son is worried about you. He doesn't want to lose you in addition to having lost his father.

Sometimes when our children become afraid for our welfare, esp. when we are depressed, they show their concern by making an imprudent or callous remark. Although it momentarily relieves a bit of their frustration and fears, it does little to help the one at the receiving end of their words.
Do you think your children are feeling insecure and fearful about losing you as well as their father?

If there are ever going to be some times in your life where it is necessary -- no, imperative -- that you go easy on yourself, I think this would be one of them. You have just experienced a horrific situation all by yourself. Your children were not with you when you walked into the house the day you found your husband, were they? Had they been present, don't you think there is a chance they would be exhibiting many of the same symptoms you are experiencing?

It seems to me that the first hurdle for you to try to conquer is the one in which you think negatively about yourself. You are not to blame for the way you feel right now! Honestly, it seems to me that two years is not an unusually long time. For anyone to expect you to have such instant "closure" after a loved one's suicide is asking too much, I'm afraid.

There is something so impossibly finite about "suicide." Sadly, the self-centered nature of the act makes it clear that the real victims, like yourself, are forever changed. I imagine there are days when you wonder if this is all you have to look forward to in the future, and if there will ever be a day when you are not wondering, analyzing, questioning, and crying over this monumental and tragic event.

Time will lessen the frequency with which you re-live the experience and it will also dilute some of the emotions that now accompany those memories. On the other hand, you might find that the edges of some of those recollections actually grow sharper and hurt more as time goes on. (the sharp edges could be a metaphor for the way you remember having felt when the event - or certain aspects of it - occurred.)

In the meantime, perhaps there is a better-suited therapist out there for you, rather than the one you are currently seeing. Perhaps there is even a need for you to be evaluated for medication in conjunction with visits to a "talk" therapist. Also, Have you been to any support groups for family members of suicides? Or might hearing so many other peoples' sad stories being relived exacerbate your suffering?

I wish the best to you. You are going through a very trying time right now and two years hardly seems sufficient time to recover completely from the such a trauma.