[little horse]

Hello everyone! I'm (obviously) new here, and slightly overwhelmed. I couldn't quite figure out where to post, but I thought i'd dive into the reason I was searching out this kind of support in the first place. I did at a TRIGGER WARNING as it mentions SH and violent thoughts.

I've been dx with everything from Bi Polar, BPD, ADHD, AN, BN, Anxiety, Depression, yada yada yada...

Recently though, I guess I've been experiencing more and more intrusive thoughts. I've always had these paranoia type feelings that someone is out to hurt me, since I was a young child I can remember my sleepless nights praying I wouldn't be kidnapped or my parents wouldn't get murdered. During the day I was plagued by thoughts of my mother getting injured, and had the most horrendous separation anxiety from her. I even had images of them dead, or me killing them.

As I got older, those thoughts dissipated mostly. The last few days though (if I'm honest, last year or so?), I feel like something other than me is in my body. Like, i'm not in control anymore. A few days ago I OD'd but it was like something was doing it not me. Tonight I cut and it was like an argument between these...voices in my head- they were pushing me and taunting me.

I don't have a pdoc right now (long long story, but in the process of getting one and have enough of my rx's to last until I do find one). I really want to see my old pdoc but she's on vacation until Tuesday so I won't be able to even ask if she can see me until then. I know it's not that far away, and if I've waited this long I can still wait, it's just... scary.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm just flat out crazy. No dx. No nothing but CRAZY. I feel like my BPD has influenced a lot of my actions, but this feels... new, uncomfortable, strange. Or could this all be a part of BPD?

Sorry for all the questions and rambles
HUGS

[Nix]

Hello, and welcome.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Skeezyks]

Hello little horse: Since this is your first post here on PC... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[ickydog2006]

Welcome to the forums. I don't have much experience with BPD, buthe there is a Bipolar section that you could try posting in to see if theverything are problems commonly associated with that. Sorry you are struggling.

[Brian32]

I feel the same way little horse, I'm new as well, I had thought before diagnosis that everyone felt the same way as me, that's why no one ever discussed the paranoid thoughts inside my mind, there is so much information out there for our conditions that it can be confusing and overwhelming at time, I was abandoned as a young child by my mother, and it has been the main root of problems in my relationships. I am still unclear as to get over it but now that I understand that it was not my fault ie (me not being cute or good enough) for her, that it makes everything I am going through a little easier, there are also days I feel euforic and days I feel like a lump of coal, just have to keep fighting those fears and try to research and ask for help as much as possible, I'm not even sure right now if I have even covered any of what you were asking but just know you are not alone and keep fighting, no one knows you as well as you and no one knows who you want to be better than yourself, keep invisioning who you want to be and every small victory moves you closer to your end goal, hope you have a good day. Brian.