[Starlightembers]

Hello everyone,

My psychosis has been at bay for months on Serequel, even after lowering it significantly; but it's creeping back in. There are some mild hallucinations, more auditory than anything else; however, the visual are more vivid. Right now, I keep seeing shadows and spirits passing by outside my room. Delusions are present, and "she" is back. I'd rather not explain it all right now. Thankfully, most of the time I can tell that's my disorders acting up on me - though, it only helps a bit with the fear - and move on. I've had really bad nights as well, where, to quote a description I wrote on a blog:

"At its worst, I mumble to myself, push words together to make a new one, speak in erratic sentences, and sometimes rhyme. My overall state is irritable, extremely moody, unpredictable, easily set off, and no impulse control. Banging my hand, punching the tables and walls to hurt myself, kicking things as I pass, screaming (a lot) at others and them. Having panic attacks when they're right there, breathing really heavily, crying, rages, lashing out at myself and others. Sometimes, my very expression changes and I get this paranoid, deranged look in my face. I laugh witch-like for no reason."

I really don't know how to put it into words. The irritability and instability, the unpredictable and easily set-off nature of my mood is the worst part. To add to that, I just have no impulse control, AT ALL. Worse even than when I'm manic (I'm Schizoaffective). It leads me to do all those things.

Not that long ago, I had one of those nights, and wrote a semi-aware poem titled, "She's Back". I saved it, and upon feeling more stable, refused to look at it. I was scared; I was just not not myself. Tonight, I read it and just began crying afterward. I'm scared that I'll be like that all the time - again! It's a terrifying state to be in that usually gets me hospitalized, and I'm scared. Scared mostly just how psychotic I can get, and this even isn't the worst it. It's like when I look at poems I wrote during my worst periods and in the clutches of sexual abuse and parental chaos. It tears up all the wounds again, except the hurt and pain is added that this could happen at any moment right, with just a little added stress.

I really don't like to self-pity, and I'm sorry to burden you; but I need a lot of support right. Just reassurance mainly, with maybe a bit of personal experience and advice thrown in. Should I try to reduce my stress-points right now until I'm stable? Bring the Serequel back to a higher dosage? Any coping tips for when/if it does get bad?

Just so you guys get a better understanding, here are samples of my writing when I'm not psychotic:

http://poemspainandhealing.wordpress...am-a-survivor/

http://www.facebook.com/note.php?sav...d=408513176385

"
Pain Resting Within

by [and (C) ] Erika Svenson

There’s a pain resting within me

that wants to eat me alive

chew up all my insides

and destroy each of my face paint lies

that help me keep alive

I try to survive through the day

smiling and putting on a huge play

but the paint is chipping

and props all breaking

so the production is starting to decay

With my act gone wrong

I have nothing left to hide behind

shattering to many pieces

with the whole world waiting in line

to watch me finally cry.

Embarrassed by my perceived weakness

I shake with the self-hatred

and head full of shame

wishing the whole world

would just leave me and go away

Holding back a stream of tears

I wake up saying I’ll face this day

knowing that in the end

I’ll just be left alone

to crumble into tiny bits

It’s now gotten to the point

where I just can’t take another second

of this nightmarish thing known as life

so with a tinge of evil in my eyes

I destroy what’s left of my mind

Burning down the remnants of

what used to be a good life

I open up my eyes and mouth

to let out a bloodcurdling scream

and finally let myself cry.

A surrounding world of destruction

I sit alone with the rubble

a fallen empire I at last destroyed

because the pain within me finally

won.

....and this is what I wrote while psychotic.

The light in the room is on and bright;
but I can only feel the spreading night,
the paranoia draining me like a parasite,
I fall to my knees and pray to stay alive.

Everyone else seems strangely calm to me,
going through life as they all usually do:
stressed out to edge and afraid of flight
both the bird-like and spiritual kind.

It's as if they exist on a universe far from here,
blind to the nightmare I experience even
in the middle of your always too bright day,
leaving me frantically panicky insane.

I know she's here again and she's said her name:
Maria the old lady who loves to hate (me).
We have unfinished business is what she claims,
and the finale is only yet to begin.

Evil has found its way to my house
and unlike last time the key to my room.
There is no safety or escape for me,
and I am subject to their pleasantly doom.

She's watching me through every mirror and bulb,
and no to mention those shadows, souls and demons, too,
and the reincarnated victims out to seal my pain.
They all work for her to go after me.

My world is dictated by her wild control,
and I am at mercy to the delight she carries out.
No amount of praying can save my soul,
because her dark has fogged even the light.

So terrified all I can do is sway and laugh,
mumble and shout and shorten response,
and hope this delusion just goes away;
but wait, if I say it's a delusion she'll get angry
and slash through my back,
while smiling at every shriek and bleed,
because I disobeyed and that's how she is.

Well.
Goodnight.

With Love,
Erika

[lostandscared54]

hello. I, too, am schizoaffective. I must say, your writing is very eloquent while psychotic. I have tried to write while psychotic and it always ends up a mess. so kudos. I am not really one to give you advice as I myself am a mess, but I can offer suggestions and support. as everyone will tell you, you should not mess with your meds unless your doc tells you to, but my doc and I have a relationship that allows me to take an increased amt of seroquel as needed. I think it would be good for you to practice grounding skills so that you remain in the here and now. these can be found all over the web, I imagine even on this site. lastly, I would suggest using the chat rooms on pc. you are sure to find support there. and, if you need to chat more personally, feel free to pm me. I will keep an eye on my inbox. good luck.

[WLFTW]

I've been staring at this post for a while now.

I can certainly identify with you.

I really loathe having to take meds and they certainly aren't a panacea but I would definitely try to talk to your doctor with openness and honesty about your condition and see if they can help you. Lots of my doctors have been reluctant to prescribe Ativan but that might help you when you realize that you're out of hand, as it were.

I can identify with the mania, irritability (rage, really), and lack of impulse control. It took me years but I have manicured my environment to reduce all the stressers that I can minimize...the ones I have control over at least. Extra Seroquel might be able to help with that, as well as Ativan...but of course talk it over with him/her before you change it yourself, and not take my word for it.

I can also identify with the urge to write. Much prose and many a poem have been written while in a not-altogether-there state of mind. I posted a few of them somewhere on this site with the name Winston in the title. I have zero memory of the actual writing process; it was more automatic writing than anything else. We perhaps differ in that I love the writing that comes out of me when I'm in an unusual state (eg psychotic).

My main stresser is my unfaithful wife who has had a boyfriend on the side for about four years now. Other than that, things really are peachy and I say that with zero sarcasm.

When in your position, I tended to make major, life-altering decisions. I have divorced as well as ended my career, to name two such decisions. Both were huge mistakes, I have come to realize. Some people go on shopping sprees, some end up punching a human being for once instead of a wall. I could tell you stories... So I guess what I'm trying to get at is that you're not alone and it is possible to work through mental illness to maintain functionality though it requires a great deal of tenacity.