[crazy/beautiful]

This is going to sound really strange I know, but since I started on the medication Clozaril in 2006, I have been doing really well and have not had to go into hospital or anything - I even regained custody of my son. However lately I have been finding things really difficult. The voices are starting to affect me really badly, and I cannot sleep with nightmares that do not end when I wake up. What is really worrying me though is that my friends and family all think I am doing so well, that I am scared to tell them I am struggling because I do not want to let them all down again. I just dont know what to do. Every day it is getting worse, but every day I force a smile and pretend that everything is ok. I dont know how much longer I can carry on pretending like this. My 12 year old son - who I obviously spend the most time with - is starting to ask question and I just make stupid excuses up. Im not really explaining myself very well, but I am so torn between begging for help before things get worse, and just carry on pretending everything is ok, and just hope it is. Has anyone else been through this sort of thing?
xxx

[WLFTW]

I haven't exactly been in your situation but I have tried to hide my struggles from people around me.

My wife didn't know that I was engaging in self-injury. Nor did she know I was suicidal. Neither did I tell my friends or family that I wanted to hurt myself.

One day after a huge blowout fight with my wife (now ex-wife because of my mental illness), I revealed that I wanted to kill myself.

She felt so bad about it to say the least. She took the knives and pills and such out of the home with due haste. Not long after that, I attempted suicide. To this day, no one but myself and my therapists and doctors know about my suicide attempts... I take that back, I might have told my current wife that--not sure.

It got to a point where I could not hide my illness from others. Principally that was because I ended up in a psychiatric hospital. Even then, I didn't notify anyone that I was in a hospital as I watched everyone inside get visitors except me because I didn't want to tell anyone.

So I've been in somewhat similar situations with trying to hide mental illness though I am not a parent, my wife, also having mental illness, tries to hide that and her alcoholism from her son.

As for advice, I would suggest trying to get a doctor and/or therapist (or re-visit the current ones you have) and basically explain what you did here to them.

I remember very clearly the day my parents explained to me that my mother was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I was 12 as a matter of fact. For me, it was both immensely troubling and immensely relieving since then I knew there was an explanation for her behavior towards me. I then knew that she didn't hate me but was sick.

You are not alone.

[crazy/beautiful]

Thank you so much. My son knows about my schizophrenia, but it is hard to explain to him exactly what it is - I dont want him worrying too much about it. I actually sat my mam down today to try and tell her I am needing more support than I am getting at the moment, only for her to start telling me all her problems and how she is so glad I am doing well because it is one less thing for her to worry about - naturally after that I didnt end up saying anything. I have an appointment with my psych nurse on Tuesday so I am going to try to say something then. I know I cant carry on like this, so hopefully they can help without admitting me back into hospital, which is my biggest fear.
Again, thank you for your reply

[xxxflossyxxx]

hiya babes, BIG HUGS!!!! you know i'm alway there for you ANYTIME i'll be on that bike and there in 10 minutes. just say the code word so you don't have to say it aloud. love ya xxx.

[crazy/beautiful]

Thanks
Saw my psych nurse on Thursday and he has given me a new anti-psychotic to take alongside the clozaril, and also some diazepam for when things get too hard. Naturally this is only a sticking plaster, but I am seeing him again in a few days to see how I am doing and work out what to do next. Managed to talk to my mam about it and she was really nice, but still worried I may end up back in hospital. Keeping my fingers crossed that it will all work out ok.
And thanks flossy - you have been so supportive and I really do appreciate it
xxx