Think I'm Going To Die

I can understand the frustration of people not believing what you say.....especially when you are in the middle of a traumatic situation. I know the situation I was in there was a real reason why the person wanted to take advantage of my mother who was dying.

Just curious, it sounds like you are NOT convinced that you have the MI that you have been Dx'ed with? I know that when I have an illness that medication is necessary to help me.....I then know how important it is to take the meds. Just thinking also that most of the time in reality, bullies don't want the person to die that they are bulling or they would loose the person they are bulling & their aim is usually to bully & not kill.....also....when a group is really out to kill someone.....they would have really done it by now.....(thinking about the gang's in California that I lived around growing up)....maybe in your mind to lessen your stress level that you have been feeling about this...you might be able to realize that they aren't really out to kill you but to continue to bully you through your thoughts about it.....lessening your paranoia about being killed I would think would be a good thing. Why do you think they really want you to die?....it's not like you hold some national security information in your mind that they want to destroy

Wouldn't it be good to take your meds so that you could think a bit more rationally about the situation you feel you are in.....so that you could have a better understanding of what's going on with you. I know that when I was dealing with depression....my mind made everything that I was experiencing much worse than it really was. The meds helped me see that the things weren't really as bad as my MIND made me think they were. It didn't take away the fact that there were problems that I had to deal with....but I was better able to see the reality of the problems & I could deal with reality much better than the extreme that my mind was creating. I think that this is really why everyone wants you to take your meds because like my friends & family....they could see the reality that I couldn't & knew that I needed to get back to that place also.

Your family & friends don't want you hurt.....they just want you to be able to see through what your mind is telling you & be able to see more clearly what is really going on in your life. Maybe realizing now that you aren't in as much danger as you think you are might be a good step in accepting the taking of your meds so that you can see your situation even more clearly & there won't be such a huge difference in your thoughts now verses your thoughts on meds.

Costello - My doctor isn't so bad - but like your son - my nurse does treat me like I'm stupid as well
I'm glad you found out that it was true - that would have been good to know it really happened.

Eskie - They do want me to die, because I know too much about what they are doing. The government are testing on me and after they have done that - they'll want me dead.

The police are on their side - because most of them will be involved and they just want to cover it up.

I take some meds - just less than I should be - but I see my doctor on Thursday.

I've managed to stay ok - by staying in the house.

I just had a thought, Kureha... if someone was trying to follow and persecute you, or was testing on you... it might not serve their best interests for you to be dead. I'm not saying that I exactly believe what's happening to you as you describe it... but if it WAS happening, wouldn't the fact that so few people believe you negate their testimony? If they knew that most people didn't believe you, because most people think you're ill, then wouldn't your enemies leave you alone? After all, you've told us what you think they're doing. If you suddenly disappeared everyone you've warned would think, "hang on, what happened to Kureha? Maybe she was on to something."

So, maybe you don't have to be scared of them killing you. You've protected yourself by warning others... if these guys are really after you, they can't dare do anything now, can they? Because if they did anything to hurt you, then people will realise it's not your imagination.

So... I think you're safe... logically speaking it doesn't make much sense for them to "finish you off", since it would only alert people to danger. They're more likely to leave you alone, and trust that nobody will catch on to what you're saying.

I see what you're saying, but I think they'd just make it look like an accident - they have the police ready to cover it up - so they wouldn't investigate it and if it was 1 of the sleeper cells - they would just say it was some random attack - nothing to do with the government.

I think it might be the other nurse though.

I just think after they finish testing they definitely will kill me - its the end goal of gang stalking - do it yourself or they will.

Just curious....what testing do you think they are actually doing to you? The meds they are giving you aren't any different than they give anyone else with the same illness that you have are they?

Much of the testing you have been mentioning & thinking about, the goal is to see how the person reacts to certain things......not to get them to kill themselves or to kill them if they don't. Just trying to understand where inside your illness that your thoughts are coming from.

Thinking you are safer than your mind is allowing you to feel.

They are testing mind control techniques - just like they did in MK Ultra years ago.

Trying to take total control as well - like they have done with the other nurse.

The end goal is to kill that person they are testing on - I've been saying it for ages, it's in the gang stalking book as well. They just don't want those people around after they have finished testing.

They have the police involved an army of people they basically do what they want - it all goes to the top.

But no one takes me seriously

I'm sorry Kureha, you must feel so frustrated and alone. I wish I could help you, I really do.

Again, I'm in the UK... if you ever need anything pm me and let me know, even if it's just so that I can post you a box of cookies, or knit you a pretty scarf. I wish I could do something to help, it really upsets me to see such a lovely young person as you being so tormented.

I agree with mgran. I hate to see you being tormented.

Thanks

I saw my doctor yesterday - I think I can stop the meds soon, he said he wanted me to be ok with the meds, he would prefer it I took 15mg, but said 10mg was ok - so I might stop next week.

He's going to help me get to college - so he's going to think of ways to help.

He asked loads of questions and said he hadn't met anyone that was so sure, that's because I think it through and know it must be true.

Since I haven't been out much, he's going to ask the nurse to go out with us in a couple weeks.

Why would you stop meds if your doctor clearly wants you to take them? In fact, he really wants you to take a higher dose, but you won't agree to that. You really need to work with your doctor so he can help you. Stopping your meds seems counterproductive.

My son also is getting eager to go back to college. Or find a job. Or both.

Kureha is working with the medical people. Taking medical advice isn't as simple as just doing what you're told because the nice doctor knows what's best for you. Ideally when you work with a doctor there should be give and take. It sounds like Kureha has that kind of relationship with at least some members of her team.

There's more than one way to skin a cat, and different doctors and therapists take different approaches. In the best of all possible worlds the docs meet us halfway. And it's certainly possible to shop for a doctor who shares your own views.

My mother had some sinus problems recently, so she went to her doctor. She was given a prescription and began taking it. A couple of days later she complained to me that the pill was making her feel unwell. We had the following conversation:

Me: "What is the medication?"
Mom: "I don't know."
Me: "What is it supposed to do?"
Mom: "I don't know."
Me: "What was the diagnosis?"
Mom: "I don't know."

What the heck! But my mom comes from the generation that believed you just do what the doctor tells you without asking lots of questions.

IMO any patient should have the right to understand their condition and the available treatments and their likely side effects, to raise questions, and to have their input respected by the doctor. That's the core of a truly therapeutic relationship.

((((KUREHA))))) - I've always liked you and it's wonderful to see you have 136 replies to your thread. This tells me many members care deeply about you. All of us think you should take your meds. Unfortunately your illness will get worse if you don't take your meds. How about you take them and see how you feel.

It would be wonderful if you could go to college like you mentioned. I agree, if they wanted to kill you they would have done it by now. Since you're tired of this - maybe you can put aside these worries and comply with the doctors advice. You can give a daily report on how you feel here. I pray you'll feel better soon and by next September you'll be going to college.

I don't disagree with you, but not taking meds when it is pretty clear that they are needed in order for some clear thinking to take place is just inviting the problems to get worse. I wouldn't think that Kureha wants the thought problems she is having to get any worse than they already are. She's hold up in her home afraid to go out, afraid of things that really aren't after her. That's terrifying I would think. One way to stop those thought processes is to take the medication. That's what her doctor is asking her to do. That doesn't sound like ill advice.

Clearly seeing and facing the reality of this situation is not what goes on here. That is a shame. If I were to stop my meds knowing that it would exacerbate my condition, that would be irresponsible on my part and I would hope that those around me who saw me, in essence, hurting myself in the long run would tell me so and encourage me to take care of myself properly, including medically.

I'll bow out of this as I cannot just sit by and see someone make choices that are clearly not to their benefit and pat them on the back. Some may call this unsupportive, but sometimes support means being honest with people even when they really don't want to hear it.

Well the thing is - the abilify is just to keep me calm, that's what the doctor said yesterday - so I should be taking xanax in that case - so I think I'm taking the wrong medication.

Farmergirl - this is true, my doctor even said gang stalking could happen, although he didn't agree with my ways it does.

Costello - I hope your son does get to college, might be better than a job for now anyway, I'm so bored - so I really want to get there.

Lynn - Yeah this a cool forum, but I think I'm on the wrong medication - although things got worse last time I stopped that could have just been nothing to do with that.

If you think you're on the wrong med, then ask your doctor - there comes a point where you need to trust your doctor and then see how you feel after taking it for a couple months.

I'm going to ask my nurse on Wednesday - see if I can change to xanax.
I still don't get why they don't take me seriously though.

My son is really bored too. He's so much better now, and he's looking around and asking himself what he's going to do with his life.

I also hope that if I couldn't take care of myself, someone would love me enough to care for me. Kureha's lucky to have people like that who are caring for her. She's mentioned parents, friends, a trusted former psychotherapist, nurses, and a pdoc. They all seem to be encouraging her to take care of herself.

I honestly can't think of anyone in my life, including myself, who isn't making at least some small choices that are - IMO, at least - clearly not to their benefit. You're right; it can be very hard to watch.

Xanax is a rapid, short duration med for acute anxiety (a panic attack that lasts several minutes to an hour, for example). Xanax takes effect quickly and wears off suddenly, over a short period of time. Many other meds are used for anxiety that is more generalized (meaning steady, constant), these meds include antidepressents, mood stabilizers and antipsychotics. I have no history of psychosis, but when I had serious anxiety at night time causing an inability to sleep/sudden awakenings, my doc gave me an antipsychotic at a low dose to ease the anxiety and cause drowsiness. It worked very well for that, but I also consistently took it, at the dose the doctor suggested, to see if it worked before making any decisions about whether to continue it or not.

Oh...xanax is also VERY addictive!

Well maybe not xanax then, but something like that.

I think I must just have anxiety not psychosis as well - I know I have anxiety, but who wouldn't in the same situation.

I don't need meds to keep calm - I didn't need them for OCD - so I don't need them now - so I decided to quit today.

I think all of the benzodiazepines are pretty addictive. They can be helpful for some people if they're used with caution.

My son suffers from anxiety too. He's looking at non-medication ways of dealing with it - like brisk walks, deep breathing, meditation. Occasionally he's overwhelmed anyway, but usually he deals with it. Just being able to say - to yourself or someone else - that you're feeling anxious right now is very helpful. I think it's very liberating to have skills to deal with strong emotions. It gives you some confidence in yourself that you won't become overwhelmed when negative feelings hit. And of course it's important to do the things that keep your emotions stable anyway - good sleep, not too much sugar or caffeine, etc.

I think I'll not bother with any meds either - I'll tell my nurse on Wednesday, she won't be happy and I'll get the hospital speech, but they can't make me go this time - I think.

I'm meant to tell the doctor and not just stop like that - but the earliest I can tell him is Monday so I may as well just wait until I se my nurse.

My parents are complaining - mostly my mam, but meds aren't going to stop my stalkers. They will still be there - they'll still do the same things.
I'll stay in to keep calmer.

You shouldn't stop your meds because they will help with your thoughts. Meds can calm you down. Do you have any sleep problems? If you do they will help with that as well. Most of the time but not all my meds help with sleep. Otherwise I get up throughout the night struggling to even get an hour of sleep. With meds sadly though when I do get sleep its 14 hours. But without them I get severe insomnia getting 1 hour a night possibly 2. Its both extremes. Don't go off the meds. Every time I have tried I get far worse going to the hospital. I usually have a complete psychotic breakdown without the meds even though I hate taking them. Half the time just like you I don't believe I need them. When I am under stress the meds don't help as much to be honest. The stress overtakes the meds. Then it needs to be raised and sometimes that takes awhile. At first I thought meds won't take away my voices because they were very real to me (yes this episode I have been hearing voices and I haven't heard them since 13 with this often.) and same with the people trying to kill me just like you and even though I still believe it to some degree it isn't making me break down and cry any longer. My annoying brother annoys me to tell me "the gov is right behind you! Look!" Half the time when he says it he doesn't even look so how would he know? I love my brother. After a little over a week of the raised dose (I was on meds already so its much faster than just being on a new pill) the whispering is almost gone, I don't hear the yelling anymore, I don't hear the threats to me (people saying "I will kill you!") and not the constant visual hallucinations as well. Pills will help. I know you believe what you are saying. A lot of people didn't believe me either. They both downplayed my symptoms and said its not real. My worst month is October. Do you have a month or a trigger that makes your symptoms worse? I am NOT looking forward to October because 99% of the time I am in the hospital even when there is no stress. In fact I have good things coming up in October including an art show. I hate to see you suffering. I hope it gets better for you soon.

My son saw his pdoc today. He told him he's sleeping 11 hours a night. The doctor says this is a sign that his dosage is too high. We're going down to 25 mg (from 30) starting tonight. We'll see how it goes for a couple of months. The doctor says 8 or 9 hours sleep is good; anything over that has him concerned the dose is too high.

Good luck with your art show in October. Maybe that will keep you out of the hospital.