Been out for awhile

Just dropping in to say "hi", I suppose. Frankly, I'd be shocked if anyone remembered my prior visits.

Carry on.

I remember you very well and have been wondering how you're doing. It's good to hear from you. I hope you're doing well.

I remember you! I'm glad to see you back again. How are you doing?

Good and bad. I got a new job, which is wonderful. It's exactly the right combination of challenge, work load and pay, plus it's from home, which is great. On the downside, my soon-to-be-ex stepmother keeps imposing on us to watch the kids (nearly every day for the last month now), because she doesn't seem to be capable of finding a sitter. It's frustrating to have our space violated constantly.

Congratulations on the new job! That's really good news. I'm so glad to hear about that.

I think you should decline to do the babysitting. You've mentioned in the past that you don't like it. And you need your peace. If you tell her you're not available, maybe that will light a fire under her to locate another sitter.

I think I'd put my foot down with the step mother. It's disgraceful of her to take advantage of you like this. It's probably not so much that she's unable to find another sitter, it's that she sees no reason to find another sitter, while you're so available. And I assume you're doing it for free... sh'es purely taking advantage.

You don't deserve to be taken advantage of in this way. It's time to stand up to her... having started new work you need your down time. You aren't her lacky after all.

You both have a good point, and the missus definitely agrees with you. We'll just have to be less available going forward. She will either figure it out (like so many mothers before her...even mine) or not.

Yesterday my sister asked me to babysit over night Saturday. I really wanted to say no but in the end I told her yes. So, I know how hard it is.

My ex-stepmother never asked, she had one of two ways to drop the kids off:

- Mention that she needed it, in a trail-off sentence, the kind you'd expect someone to respond to in a TV drama

- Just show up with them

:-/

Wow. That's a bummer. It makes it harder to say 'no,' doesn't it? If you just wait for her to show up one day and say you can't do it, you'll have to have that conversation over and over again (unless you're willing to add "and don't ever darken my door again!")

Sounds like you may have to bring the topic up and say you can't babysit anymore. Uncomfortable but probably not as uncomfortable as being an involuntary babysitter for the next several years.

That's some nerve she has. She sounds the like the kind of person who would still bring the kids over without warning even after you tell her you won't babysit.

In essence, she has. When this first became a problem, I mentioned at least one stipulation that I couldn't bend on - no early morning sittings, because I'm not up that early, and work keeps me up late. She agreed to it, then promptly brought them over at 0530 two days later.

We've already resolved to make her find alternatives, I think I'm just having a hard time trying to accept that I have control over the situation, even though it doesn't feel like it.

I'm really sorry, ER. This is the kind of thing that - if it were happening to my son - I'd run interference on. It just soaks up too much psychic energy that you need to spend elsewhere. Can your wife help? Wish I lived next door. I'd make her stop imposing on you.

You do have control here, though. It's easy to fall into feeling defensive or angry or helpless, but you really don't have to feel emotional about this at all. I know it sounds hard, but you can take the emotional charge out by reframing how you see yourself, your ex-MIL, and the situation. This is your home, your time, and your life. You have the right to say no to requests to provide childcare. You don't owe this woman anything, and you're not responsible for her children - she is. And I don't say that to get you to work up a head of steam and become indignant. Those are just the facts.

You might want to mentally rehearse talking to her. You could plan two scripts - one to use when you tell her you won't be babysitting anymore, the other for when she shows up on your doorstep with the kids. Just keep it simple. Don't apologize or justify. Just say you can't babysit anymore; she'll have to make other arrangements. Then have a pre-memorized line for every time she shows up expecting you to back down. "I can't babysit today" (said calmly, of course) should do it - then close the door. If she argues, repeat it. If she asks why, repeat it.

She sounds like a steam roller. That's why I wouldn't apologize or explain why you can't babysit. She'll find a toehold to get her way if you sound at all hesitant or like you're not perfectly within your rights to say no.

I wouldn't get angry, because 1) you'll feel bad later which will lead to guilt which will lead to you giving in and babysitting, and 2) it'll waste a lot of energy you need for other things.

Is she kind of person to make a scene? Would she be likely to just leave the kids at your door and drive away? If so, I'd be prepared for how I would handle those situations too.