[costello]

Well, the pdoc lowered the dose after all - to 6.25 mg. Now I'm wondering if it's a good idea at this point in time. He starts his new job tomorrow and he's really stressed. He says he "doesn't feel like a human being." He feels "subhuman." He says he feels the way he did before he had a really bad episode in which he took off for California in his car and ended up attempting suicide in a distant city 3 states away.

He didn't mention how bad he's feeling to his pdoc today. He could just be stressing over the job. I don't know. I've suggested he take the 7.5 mg dose tonight after all.

It seems like he doesn't want to talk to me about it, and he says he doesn't care about the dosage one way or the other. He's just exuding a lot of anxiety.

[Yoda]

who is 'he' and what medicine was lowered?

[RunningEagleRuns]

"He" is her son.

Good luck Costello!

[costello]

Originally Posted by Yoda

who is 'he' and what medicine was lowered?

Sorry, Yoda. Most of the people on the sz and psychosis forum are so familiar with the back story, I just started the thread as if everyone knew what was going on.

My son's pdoc lowered his Zyprexa which I had requested in an email to him on Tuesday but which he told me wasn't going to do. So I was taken by surprise.

Since that email exchange, my son was offered a job which he interviewed for a couple of weeks ago but which neither of us thought he would actually get and which is probably too stressful for him under the best of circumstances (group leader at a Boys and Girls Club). In light of the new job (which we feel like he should accept because of pressures from voc rehab and Ticket to Work), it probably isn't wise to lower his meds right now. I didn't send another email to the pdoc explaining all this, because I thought the lowered dose was out of the question. (He even hinted he might raise the dose.) So I was surprised to hear he'd lowered the dose after all. My son told the pdoc he had a new job, but he didn't mention this dreadful feeling he's having.

Probably no one has the answer. I was just looking for sympathy.

P.S. It's a measure of my stress about this that I'm awake and posting on the Internet at 3 am! And I'm probably making about as much sense as I do at 3 am.

[costello]

Originally Posted by RunningEagleRuns

"He" is her son.

Good luck Costello!

Thanks, RER. I gave him a pep talk last night, and he relaxed noticeably. He was even laughing and smiling. He took the higher dose. He was scared he wouldn't sleep so he took some cold medicine too. Must have worked because the cats and dog and I are banging around the house right now, and he's still asleep.

He doesn't have to be at work until 2:45. I'm afraid he'll sit around all day getting himself worked up by thinking thinking thinking. I'm tempted to call in to work sick just so I can stay with him and talk him down if he starts to stress out.

I wish I had a parent like you. I hope your son will be healthy today.

[costello]

He's says the first day of work went well, but he doesn't want to go back. He seems depressed.

I hope your son can motivate himself to return to work. Work helps me cope with life. I make friends there who see me as a worker and not a mental health client. Being seen as a mental health client hurts.

[costello]

I talked to him a bit more about it last night after I posted the message above. This is all entangled with his incredibly low self-esteem. The job went "too well" yesterday. It was too "perfect." He made a good impression. He thinks he doesn't "deserve" to enjoy himself or have a good job that makes him happy. He's afraid it will go wrong in some way or that he'll subconsciously self-sabotage.

I told him that if anyone on this planet deserves to have something nice happen to them, it's him. He seemed to accept that. I wish he'd move away from the whole "deserve" mentality anyway. We don't get what we deserve; we get what we get. It's best not to get our egos caught up too much with what we get.

Originally Posted by brookwest

I hope your son can motivate himself to return to work. Work helps me cope with life. I make friends there who see me as a worker and not a mental health client. Being seen as a mental health client hurts.

I agree 100%. He needs this to start building a positive self-image as a healthy contributing member of society rather than a "crazy" person who "acts odd." This job will also bring him into contact with other people in his age group who work there. In general they'll be positive people - or at least more positive that the people he's chosen to hang around with in the past. He might make a friend - or even find a girlfriend!

I hope your son can succede at work. I think he will need to make small talk and have regular conversations with people before he can advance socially that much. That was so with me. I could write an above average essay and I could solve fairly complicated math problems, well enough. I wasn't able to make small talk. Lacking this basic skill, nearly got me killed. It is more important than people think. I mean, being quiet and obedient works when eveything else works also. When the outisde world falls apart and the inside world falls apart also, being quiet and obedient can be very hazerdous and make oneself a target to predators. Emotionally vulnerable and naive people are valuable to criminals, I do know this from experience. I am lucky to be alive.

[costello]

It's interesting that you mention small talk, because my son has difficulty with it too. He looks for some important "meaning" in everything. He gets into such tangles because of it.

For example, greetings. He can become really worked up over what I consider to be a standard greeting. He wants to know what I mean when I greet him. All I mean is "I see you there and I acknowledge your existence as another sentient being inhabiting this space with me."

He manages to find layers and layers of meaning in things people say - when all they're trying to do is to make light conversation.

He's also vulnerable to criminals. About a year and a half ago a neighbor tricked him into signing his car over to her bf. His negative self-esteem played into that one as well. He said he didn't "deserve" the car (as if that crook did!). He also said he must be stupid for doing that. Personally I think he believes he's stupid, so he goes out and does stupid things in order to prove to himself he's really stupid. In point of fact, he's not stupid at all.

That sounds like a difficult situation with your son. My step-son doesn't understand some things the wayothers do also. He speaks very formerly and businesslike. If I don't have both hands on the steering wheel of the car, he informs me of my error. It can be awkward for me, but he isn't shy about telling his friends and others that he is an Aspergers kid. Rules are difficult for him to understand and it frustrates him that they aren't rigidly followed.

[BadGirlBlues]

Hello Costello. I am new here. I just wanted to mention that my cousin/best friend for 30 years has sz (I have BPI). My cousin Russ had lots more difficulties before he got a job. He was hired at the local library and is doing so much better. Patrons from the library recognize him out in the community now, and someone is always saying hello to him now. He also met a nice lady and is dating for the first time. Good luck to your son! He deserves some good things to come his way.

[costello]

Originally Posted by BadGirlBlues

Hello Costello. I am new here. I just wanted to mention that my cousin/best friend for 30 years has sz (I have BPI). My cousin Russ had lots more difficulties before he got a job. He was hired at the local library and is doing so much better. Patrons from the library recognize him out in the community now, and someone is always saying hello to him now. He also met a nice lady and is dating for the first time. Good luck to your son! He deserves some good things to come his way.

Thanks, BGB. It's always good to hear positive stories. My son survived day four at work - and his first day working alone. Well, I guess his supervisor came over and helped out today, but normally he'll be scheduled to manage his group alone on Tuesdays. The other days there are one or two other people scheduled with him.

He does deserve some good things in his life. Right now he's lying on his bed, wearing a furry hat, and staring at the ceiling. I don't know if he's feeling good or bad. If I had to guess, I'd say he's depressed, but he has such a poker face, it's hard to tell what he's feeling by looking at him. He'll look calm when he's really angry and sad when he's feeling good.

He told me last night that he really likes this job, but he's afraid if he says so he'll "jinx" it. He's also afraid they'll fire him. He hasn't had a lot of luck with jobs.

You sound like a very attentive mom, costello. He is lucky to have you. He sounds adorable, staring up at the ceiling with a furry hat on and a poker face. He must feel very safe in your home.

Yes,she IS a very good Mum.I agree.

[costello]

Originally Posted by brookwest

You sound like a very attentive mom, costello. He is lucky to have you. He sounds adorable, staring up at the ceiling with a furry hat on and a poker face. He must feel very safe in your home.

He does look awfully cute in that hat, although I'm not sure it would have been a good idea to say so that moment.

He's told me repeatedly he feels safe in my home. It's good to hear him say so, because he seldom looks as if he feels safe. He usually looks tense and unhappy or distracted.

Maybe he will tell you why when he is ready or able. It might slip out, like a freudian slip, also. It sounds like he is comforted by your parenting and mothering. I think your job is mostly done

[costello]

Originally Posted by brookwest

Maybe he will tell you why when he is ready or able. It might slip out, like a freudian slip, also. It sounds like he is comforted by your parenting and mothering. I think your job is mostly done

He tells me when he's ready. He has lots of superstitions, and sometimes he thinks if he tells me something it will jinx it in some way. Or I might respond in with the wrong words. I don't always understand. He'll say, "I want to talk to you about this, but I'm not sure if I should." Shrug.

He told me last night that he thinks everything is going ok on the job. He said he's made some mistakes, but he corrected them. I don't know if that means he made actual mistakes that anyone would agree is a mistake or if he's done something that violated one of his quirky little "rules."

I noticed on the schedule he brought home that he's scheduled for way more hours than most of the other workers. Maybe they have a hard time filling this job? That would work to his favor.

I also know he really wants to do the job. I'm guessing a lot of the people they have working there are college students who would quit in a heart beat if they found a better job. So that works to his favor.

He's a black male, and the program serves a lot of underprivileged black youth, so they do try to find black employees - especially male - who can act as role models. Again to his favor.

His supervisor told him there's a staff meeting scheduled after work on Friday and a mandatory meeting on Saturday, March 10. He told her ok to the Saturday meeting, but for some reason he said he might not be able to make the Friday evening meeting. He made up a conflicting appointment that he said he might not be able to get out of. I'm not sure why. He said some instinct told him not to agree too readily that he would be available. He told her he might have to leave the meeting early to go to this fictional appointment.

I really don't know why he does things like that. If I had been unemployed for a couple of years and finally found a job I really liked and my boss asked me on day four to attend a staff meeting after work, I'd agree in a heartbeat.

[Erti]

Costello, I want you to be my mommy now. Possible 22 year old daughter? No? oh darrn.

I'm sure a lot of role models are needed in the world today. Especially males. I mean charlie sheen is a poor role model. John Wayne Uhhh. Hip-hop rappers, maybe, time will tell. President Obama seems like a good role model, he has overcame a lot to acheive the presidency. I feel I'm a good role model. I prove their is life after addiction, major mental illness, childhood abuse and neglect and poor social skills. I've been married 10 years, I've known my wife for over 20 years. I still have friends for pre-school. I'm a good guy, just have suffered through other peoples issues too much. I'm not bitter, I think of 300 years of slavery and I realize, "I can do this." African Americans inspire me. Thanks.

[BadGirlBlues]

Costello, you are an amazing mother. So in tune with the needs of your son. My cuz Russ lives with my husband and me because his parents won't have a unique individual in their home. You are very special. Your son might not be able to easily express his feelings, but he loves you and knows you are special.

[costello]

Originally Posted by BadGirlBlues

Costello, you are an amazing mother. So in tune with the needs of your son. My cuz Russ lives with my husband and me because his parents won't have a unique individual in their home. You are very special. Your son might not be able to easily express his feelings, but he loves you and knows you are special.

Thanks. He does tell me how much he appreciates it. He can't say it very often - but it's often enough.

It can be very stressful having my son at home - as I'm sure you know - but it's also very rewarding. The ultimate goal is to get him on his own.

He loves his job, and I can already see the benefits. He seems more relaxed in some way, a bit more self-confident. Not completely, of course, but there's just a certain different air about him. Not quite so defeated I guess.

He saw his pdoc last night, and I guess he walked out before the session was over. He felt like the pdoc was asking too many questions about the job. Or asking the same question over and over after my son felt he'd answered it already. My son - as you can imagine - isn't a trusting person. He doubts the pdoc and therapist really know how to help him. He even worries on some level that they're more motivated by self-interest than a desire to help him.

Anyway while he was telling me about this last night he said that when it comes down to it he has to help himself. To my ears, it sounded very healthy and very self-confident. I agree with him. Ultimately we're all responsible for ourselves. We can't turn our lives over to "experts" or even our own families.

He's officially down to 6.125 mg of Zyprexa (from 7.5 mg). I'm a bit nervous about that part.

zyprexa, is that an anti-psychotic? If so, lowering the dosage is a good move, I believe. The goal should be to get patients so lower their dosage to zero, eventually. It doesn't seem to happen around here though.

[costello]

Originally Posted by brookwest

zyprexa, is that an anti-psychotic? If so, lowering the dosage is a good move, I believe. The goal should be to get patients so lower their dosage to zero, eventually. It doesn't seem to happen around here though.

Yeah, it's an AP. It's a heavy duty med with some serious side effects. My goal is to get him off the medications altogether if possible. If it's not possible, I'd like him to be on the absolutely lowest effective dose.

The pdoc reduced his dose to 5 mg in November, and it was hell. Well, it was hell for me. He says he felt great. He was constantly angry, though, including rages where he screamed in my face and threw the furniture around.

Another reason I'm hesitant about lowering the dose right now is he just started this new job. Doesn't seem like a good time to me.

He just called me and said that work was so perfect yesterday that he never wants to go back again. I guess anything short of perfect from now on will be a disappointment.