Roll Call Take Two

I'm not disturbed by my hallucinations anymore, just amused and annoyed!

Normally I see people . . . well, normally. Then for a few days I was seeing things (everything) as very . . . I don't know how to say it . . . stripped of all the excess? So for example, I saw my therapist yesterday. He was wearing a checked shirt and olive green trousers. He was normal to look at because that is really simple and he doesn't wear makeup or jewellery or anything. But I saw a woman wearing lots of scarves, makeup, jewellery and the like, and I saw her instead with lots of very geometric patches of colour, like her scarf was a demi-circle of yellow and instead of lots of very ornate (Indian-style) jewellery there were just lines of metallic. [ETA: I think it was Indian-style jewellery because she looked like she was selling Indian-style clothing.] Her make-up looked like a very basic mask over her face, kind of like the V for Ventetta mask but not ugly/scary.

I am very glad it doesn't disturb you. It's awesome if you can be amused sometimes!

That sounds very interesting. It troubles me a little bit if I see people I know distorted, but I don't really care about random people. I just try to remember not to stare if it's something that I want to get a better look at.

Yeah, my hallucinations rarely disturb me now that i know what they are. Sometimes they're quite disconcerting; like at one of my cousin's weddings I kept seeing the couple as if they were in their 80s and that was weird. My cousin is 26 and her husband is 30, so for about half an hour I was a bit concerned that I was getting a premonition of their deaths . . . But I don't ever get prophetic things so it was OK in the end

What I find the worst is when something does really disturb me, but I know I can't let on. That causes the greatest distress probably. But that doesn't happen too often.

I'm glad what you saw at the wedding turned out okay. Hopefully they will still be happy and in love well into their eighties.

I'm watching a documentary about the history of the law and the presenter's name is Harry Potter . . . or am I just psychotic?
I hate moments like this.
Can somebody in the UK confirm for me please?
http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode..._Down_the_Law/

my father works in electronics and he works with a 50 yr old guy named Harry Potter. true story. hes like 6ft tall. plain joe. except for his name.

Haha, that's brilliant. Does he wear eyeglasses?

I guess it would actually have been a fairly common name a while ago. Can't imagine anybody naming their kid that now, however!

he doesnt.

harry does sound like a child from the 40s 50s 60s and 70s. so many men from those decades may be named that. not to mention women named Harriet or Harrietta.

My beloved grandmother was named Harriette. Our last name isn't Potter, though

i should make a website. www.newtus.com. yeah right.

What for? Would you post your videos and podcasts and such on it?

Also, www.newtus.com appears to be registered to a Japanese insurance company 0_o

yes
but i wouldnt name it that.

does costello not like this site anymore. or us

I think you should do it

She's probably just busy.
Also, wasn't she chatting with you earlier today?

wow i frgt.

but shes on less. but i get it. this is just the internet. shes a mom. she has a life. a job. stuff to do.

I am the master of all realists. No realist can come close to my extreme negativism. It means I predict the worst possible outcome and that is accurate a huge percentage of the time. Now my computer totally failed on me. I am currently typing on an iPod. I can't deal with anymore expensive stress. Health stress. My mom is not improving from her useless failure of a surgery. In fact since I predict things with great accuracy I knew it would be stressful a long time ago. In fact when I first got my comcrasher aka a computer last year I said it wouldn't last much more than a year. It had constant problems since I got it. First the sound failed. Then the mouse kept on freezing. Then the monitor was failing. Then the current problem which is the keyboard mouse and monitor failing at once. We thought it was just the power supply failing but now it looks like to be the motherboard. Guess what! Another very major stressor at the end of the year! My brothers student loans are due. The deferment limits are gone and we would have absolutely no choice to pay it. My brother is disabled and couldn't get a job. He was denied SSI and when he got the letter I told him accurately the results. Not a single positive thing in my pointless existence. Yet yesterday my psychologist called me manic of all things!

I'm still here. Dealing with my "real life" dramas.

I've also been thinking about this story a lot: http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=233966

I can't wrap my head around why people act this way. Also a little upset that my son was apparently treated this way too. Then we had a "discussion" this evening (I ended it before it became an argument) about the whole bullying thing. My son argues that there are lots of bullies in the world and the only way to handle them is to beat the stuffing out of them. I think bullies are few, and there are ways of dealing with them short of physical violence.

Here. I feel oddly beautiful today, which scares me. And I went to the world's most insane yoga class where I think 90% of the time was spent with our legs above our heads and it made me more psychotic.

Been having a rough few days emotionally. Still hoping that it's just the PMS talking. I keep crying, even though there's nothing specifically wrong. I feel like not cutting, and staying alive in general, is consuming all my energy. I need to go grocery shopping, but accomplishing anything right now seems so unrealistic. I think I will start with getting my son and I dressed. Yeah, I think I can do that.

Here and a bit stressed. My blood pressure was up this morning to 169/116.

That video of the bus monitor being verbally harassed has opened up old wounds in my son. Actually I shouldn't call them "old wounds" because that makes them seem like they were partially healed, and I don't think they were. Let's call them "festering wounds." Anyway, he talked to me about some of his experiences being bullied in junior high. I seriously think those experiences may underlie most of his current distress. I guess I didn't realize quite how traumatizing those experiences were for him. And I guess he thought I did know and just didn't care. Not sure what to do about it all.

It brings to mind a comment made by Matt Morrissey in an interview with Will Hall on Madness Radio (http://www.madnessradio.net/madness-...matt-morrissey). I've listened to this interview a number of times. He says something to the effect that paranoid people have been treated very cruelly, repeatedly, over a long period of time, by people close to them. It's always puzzled me, because I don't know who would have done that to my son. But last night he was describing the type of daily torment he received on the bus at the hands of his peers (I won't even repeat what they said to him - it was vile). It hit me that this was it. This was an ongoing trauma that attacked him as a person, that undermined his ego and his self-esteem. It was really systematic torture. I wish I'd been of help to him at the time. He says he told me daily that he was being picked on. I don't remember that at all. I remember one specific incident when he was 12. I wish I could go back and get a "do over." Or, since I can't have that, I wish I knew what to do going forward from here.

I ran across this article this morning on emotion regulation and bullying: http://psycserver.psyc.queensu.ca/cr...epler_2000.pdf

here again today... nice weather this weekend. going to take the focus off my so-called mental illness this weekend and focus/re-channel all my energy to doing something just for myself. Today, mom also comes for a visit. i always enjoy her company. Maybe i'll make it a be nice to mom day, today.

Here and struggling a bit.

My son is miserably unhappy, so depressed. It's been a month and a half, and it's not getting better. Worse, actually. I told him to take his dose down a bit a couple of days ago. I hope that's not a mistake. I just can't bear to watch him battling this depression.