Roll Call Take Two

Here.

I've been thinking about all the bullying articles being posted and I've decided that for me, psychiatry was a form of bullying. There's only so long you can sit there and listen to someone with (supposed) authority tell you that you're sick, your brain is defective, you'll never have a nice life or a job or an education, you have to drug yourself for the rest of your life, etc. It probably made me more psychotic than I was to begin with; my symptoms were always worse in psychiatric settings.

Bullying is at the forefront of my mind too these days. We seem to live in a culture of bullying.

I really need somebody to talk to right now. I wish my therapist were around, but he's in Ireland over the weekend.

Sorry things are rough now. When will he be available again?

i think ive hit some sort of rock bottom...
...i didnt actually think of what i was actually doing until now..
but..ive been planning to k**l myself.

can i post it here? i dont want it deleted.

I think I'll see him on Wednesday. I'm just feeling really guilty about some stuff I've done lately and I want something to alleviate it. I'm not even sure talking to him would. I've brought up the problem before and he's not really had anything to say. I just feel awful.

I don't have much to say, other than to send all my hugs your way.
And if you want to talk about it, please do.

Yeah, talking about that kind of stuff can help. A lot of the time it isn't necessary (at least for me) for the other person to say anything. Just having someone listen can help.

P.S. I made another cheesecake. Lower temp (325). Mixed it according to your suggestions. Added a tablespoon corn starch. Still fell. Oh, well, I have another failure to hide - by eating it.

Yes, hiding foodstuffs in your belly is always a good plan.

I think I'm a compulsive shopper. I don't feel any better saying it. I want to stop it. I have a good job and earn enough money, I just don't manage it well. I want to be better at that, but shopping . . . I don't know . . . it passes the time. I convince myself I need things that I really don't need and then buy them, then return them. Sometimes I don't return them, or can't. I've wasted so much money on stuff I just throw out later.

i just had found a way to get cyanide. im sitting here next to my dads artillery.

im just trying to predict when impulse would kick in right now.

Your father has an artillery??

I hope the impulse doesn't kick in. I like talking with you.

I keep thinking about the old chestnut about doctors burying their mistakes. This is better.

Yep. It's weird how you can convince yourself you need things just because you can afford them. Right now money is tight for me, but a couple of years ago I had a little extra. Now I keep running across crap I bought back when I was flush and thinking, "Why? I really wish I'd just squirrelled the cash away."

as in guns....

let look at it logically. someone on a forum "likes to talk to me". so this alone is going to change my whole life?

Well, I wasn't expecting it to change anything; I was just saying the only thing I could think of that is true.

What is this about doctors and chestnuts?

I want savings and to pay off my debts, but even more I want to stop shopping. I hate myself when I do it and feel really super guilty afterwards. So guilty today, in fact, that I've been crying about it.

I want to be the kind of person who is happy with less "stuff". My T is like that. He has never made very much money in his whole life and I think the only stuff he buys new is books and food, and he travels quite a bit. But you know? He's so incredibly happy. I tell myself that he gets that privilege because he's an old man and as a young woman I have to buy makeup and clothes to fit in and be socially acceptable, but deep down I know I'm lying to myself.

Wiktionary's definition of "chestnut" or "old chestnut": "A worn-out meme; a work so often repeated as to have grown tiresome."

There's an old saying that doctors can bury their mistakes.

Here's Frank Lloyd Wright's play on it: "A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.”

Eh, no point in feeling guilty. There's a whole machine set up to induce us to exactly that. Extend us credit, tempt us with goodies. They have it down to a science, manipulating our minds. You're just human.

Hehe, I like this.

I know. I read a lot about consumer psychology and advertising. Sometimes I think that if I 'wise up' to their tricks, I'll be OK to stop. But it doesn't work like that (same way with all the junk food documentaries I watch). And I really want to. I know none of this stuff makes me really happy; and the stuff that I could buy that WOULD make me happy? I just don't buy it because "I don't have the money".
I was watching "What Not to Wear" last night and there was a woman who has a PhD in social psychology and is a lecturer; she ended up on the show because she had rejected materialism and consumerism so much she ended up wearing free t-shirts everywhere. And in the end, you know, even SHE got distracted by all the shiny things. So I guess it's just impossible.

I get so bad sometimes that I think about giving all my paycheques straight to my mother and then taking an allowance.

[deleted]

I really need to not smoke right now. Really really really. I just have to last another fifteen minutes until the shops close and then I'll be OK.

Feeling a bit better. Not in that deep dark pit of barely making it minute by minute. Still day by day, but eh, that's at least bearable.

I am coming to the end. I know its just going to get worse. I am scared everyday to get out of bed, waiting what negative thing was going to happen in my pathetic, useless, worthless life. I can't deal with it. I can't even deal with going to Wal-mart. That is awful. The crowds destroying me. Closing in on me. Blocking me. The long uncaring lines. In other news, more bleeping bad news... what a shocker. The mouse/rat infestation is so bad in the attic that we now have to spend literally THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS just so we don't die from the rats and mice. We caught 5 today alone. The birds mess just makes it worse in the house itself because the rats seem attracted to their food. The birds make so much mess. The second you clean it up, it is just as bad as when its started. OH what horrible crap is coming tomorrow? Mom's surgery is getting worse and worse, now she is getting spasms and in the past when she gets that it has become infected. I bet when the staples are out it will become infected. That has happened before. I can't stand my brother as well. He just blows everything off like its nothing. He just walks up to me and says, "It is what it is." He has a lack of insight. Even when our parents die, he will blow it off like its nothing. Who cares. Then when I was in the hospital the doctor thought I was the biggest liar in history. He then proceeded to call my doctors to see if that was indeed the case. Not one person believes me. Not one. I have guns at my head, and the enemies are ready to pull the trigger. The world ganged up on me. Enemies everywhere with very small amount of allies. The world is a dark deadly place. Death waiting for me. Guns. Missiles. The destroyer of worlds. That is me. I am the Destroyer. Oh yeah! I don't think I mentioned in my updates that my art is so dark, that I got kicked out of places (also within the last 2 hellish months of pain and suffering... downplay away doctors!) because my art is so bad. One of them actually more were stolen than were bought. That is how bad it is. Then another place just said cards don't sell and they won't sell cards anymore.. that is mom's explanation though. I know the real story. They are still selling cards but not mine because they are the worst seller in the store. On to Ventures! half the months I don't even get a check from them. Oh I forgot to explain who they are. They are a store that sells things from disabled people. I am the absolute slowest seller there as well. I am in an art gallery and before they got my crappy art there they were selling so well that someone told me they sell a lot of originals, prints and cards. Since I have been there from March, the store didn't sell one original and traffic there is slowing down considerably. This is how it worked with other galleries i have been in. They do well before I come in and then it does so bad after I am in there that they literally have to close down. I am the Dark Lord. I am evil. That is the reason they stay away from anything by my name as much as possible. I have evil attached to my name. Dark energy surrounds my fat, morbidly obese body. So, that is my absolutely worthless life right now. You can imagine how stressed and depressed I am. Of course the doctors would downplay it by saying, I just want attention. What a load of crap.

I heard even the Dalai Lama has to fight temptation sometimes.

Don't do that!