i would appreciate an opinion.

im not leaving just yet. its just becoming time.
i see signs. i see all the signs. they are telling me i shouldnt come back.
and thats not a mental illness talking. thats real signs. that has nothing to do with mental health or health or psychiatry or any of that BS.
im just not leaving just yet because i have a feeling that something is going to need to be said by me. i just dont know when.
i just see the starting signals and the red checkered flags telling me to detour to the pit.
...the pit meaning back to real life. where there is no life. its dry n scorched here in real life...

why do you say i never even started costello?
i dont understand? i wasnt even close?

You say you're tired of taking care of yourself. What have you done to take care of yourself?

ive tried taken meds

i tried to stop the caffiene. which i did. and i got caffiene withdrawals. a straight 5 day headache..nausea..vomiting...dizziness...etc.. but its because i actually was drinking approx. 17-19 standard sized mugs everyday for 3-4 weeks. thats why it was so severe.

i tried getting out more. by myself.

i guess all of that i quit doing. cause im tired. whats it worth anyway?
it doesnt even matter if i DO get any sort of better.
im lifeless. im here. im ignored in my real life. im alone. im shunned. i know no one. i might as well be the guy that jumped of the building and has his brains scattered into the street. because thats as much attention my brains will ever get from people. my intelligence means nothing. i sit here sometimes...think im smart. im really just stupid and dumb. im the hair in food. im a degradation to society. AND SO BE IT BECAUSE I BELIEVE IT. i know its true.

so i quit doing all of that. except for going out once a week by myself to buy coffee and come home.

No one is ignoring you, newtus.

You've taken the meds for what - 2 or 3 weeks now?

If you want to get off the coffee, you should cut back slowly. Reduce the number of cups to by 25% for a week or two. Then reduce again. And so on. Of course, you'll have crushing headaches if you cold turkey with as much coffee as you normally consume. It's called withdrawal.

I'm glad to hear you're doing things to care for yourself. I'm very fond of you and would like to see you feeling better. If you want to see results from the self-care, you have to stick it out for longer.

for a week. taking them for a week. stopped them cold turkey yesterday.

i just wanted to share this.i dont feel good all of a sudden. hearing lots of voices. outside my head. men and women and im seeing stuff.
never encountered anything like this in my life...
is it from stopping these meds col turky?
i hear so many voices. all at once. ive nnever expeienced so many.
they are coming from my living room BUT IM ALOEN
and outside BUT ITS 10PM ALMOST.
i feel this urge you know...to go outside...

omg no ones there.
so CRAZY I HEAR THE PLANE BUT ITS NOT THERE BUT I HEAR IT!!!!
everything im hearing is not in my head. its outside!.......wow...but nothing is there.
im very scared and confused.

i went outside no ones there. then i hear a clicking noise in my skull. :'(

its normal for symptoms to get worse after you cold trkey stop meds right?

Possibly.

Take your medication and go to sleep, hon.

Yes.

see how much of a screw up i am?

thank you costello

You're not a screw up, newtus. You're just a good person trying to make sense of a crazy situation. You have to keep trying. You'll find you're way out eventually. Just don't give up before you give yourself a chance. You're worth taking care of.

I don't think you're a screw up newtus. I think you have been reacting very normally to very unpleasant circumstances. I hope you were able to sleep.

Self-care is bloody difficult, hun. And it never stops being difficult. You have to build up to it slowly, too. Next time you go out to the shops, get some salad as well as the coffee. Then eat the salad!! Then start going for longer walks . . . then try volunteering somewhere for 2-3 hours a week. Then more hours volunteering. Gradually try another sport you like. Take an evening class. Read about self-help and self-care and mental illness and take the strategies that appeal to you (that's what I was asking Costello about, by the way -- not ignoring you), Etc. Etc. Etc.

That process repeats for the rest of your life. And that's true for everybody, not just people with voices and delusions and stuff!!

Also, that is a hellovalotta coffee, dear!! That much caffeine in itself could cause hallucinations. Do try to cut back, please? If you're comfortable telling me your address, I can send you some non-caffeinated English tea to pick you up

You are most certainly not.

something happened to me today...

i saw someone from a college class that i took last year. i only lasted two weeks in there. but he asked if i smoked like...you know weed. i said no. he asked why. he kept wanting to know like badly. i said i dont anymore cause i developed some mental health issues. there were 2-3 other people around. and then it got quiet for a few seconds...

I agree that self-care should be built up over a long time. It's been about two months for me, and I've just gotten the 'get good sleep' thing down. Working on my diet and on getting my physical activity up a bit next. It takes a -while-.

I never understand why people need a reason as to why other's don't do drugs/drink/ect. I doubt I ever will 'get' that part of human nature.

In future situations, could you just remind these people that it's illegal? That's more than enough reason not to do it, when forced to give an explanation.

well he asked if i did i said i used to 5/6 yrs ago. i just didnt think hed keep asking after that. i kept giving reasons that were true but he dug deeper.



i remember months ago costello telling me i needed to stop what i was doing when i said i jump off stuff and wanted to jump off my house roof to injure myself. i still do it. not as much though cause im back cutting my arm. but i break wrist or something idc. ive put my bone out of place once i just hit it against something and it went back. diabetes is the onlu thing i worry about. and even then i dont eat right. i eat lots of salads now. thats because raw leaves are like eat black coffee and pickles. theres a dull taste to it that i just cant get enough of.

this person asking if i smoke has been a coincidence because ive been thinkkng of taking up pot again. then he contacts me out of the blue. ive taken up cigs again and ive been drinking alcohol.

HEY EVERYONE
REMEMBER when i said the police were gangstalking me and some of the govs organizations? how many of you want a bet that this guys part of a set up BECAUSE THEY CANT FIND A SINGLE THING TO CHARGE ME WITH BUT THEY NEED ONE?

hm? the plot thickens? its getting nastier because im seeing more planes and the stalkers are honing in to a face to face element. the situation at hand is causing me to do crazy things but its not me it the gangstalking. ive got a 2 out of 3 betting match in my hand thats laying down vegas hands telling me in the pyschic seer in this world

the plot thickens. yes and it does BECAUSE THEY KNOW that im the one. all attention on me.

what if i really am royalty or the like and this is all just a test to test my smarts, my endurance, agility and fighting skills and then they are going to tell me?

i thing its a sting.
i think the police are trying to do all they can to put me away because they dont have anything on me. they NEED something. but WHAT DID I DO? why is this harrassment ongoing since the day i was born?!

Also remember, they can't charge you with drugs crimes unless they catch you actually carrying the drugs.

You could stand up in front of an entire police academy and jump up and down in a lovely t-shirt emblazoned with the pot leaf and scream, "I DO SO MUCH MARIJUANA YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT!!!" and it would still not be a drugs offence.

Though equally, I don't recommend you take that particular course of action

i am royalty

How do you know?

my last name. im heir to someone in england.
they just dont want to tell me.
i have feeling my whole life has been a test and this is what its about.
this is maybe why im being gangstalked.

think about it logically. if im not in jail yet like everyone says then why do people still follow me?
its either im someone really famous or i committed some unnameable crime.
i feel like a wrongly criminalized truthfully.
SOMEONE AND A GROUP OF PEOPLE ARE AFTER ME.

todays events with that guy has got my mind running&thinking.
i think im onto something very important.
like im penetrating the core of the most important thing in the world right now.

maybe this is the feeling i had when i said that something was going to need to be said
and i wasnt supposed to leave yet.
PREMONITION. dont tell me its wrong.

im finally understanding the truth
i truly believe so.

Unless your last name is Windsor or Saxe-Coburg, you're not English royalty And if your name IS Windsor, you're still probably not english Royalty. English aristocracy, perhaps . . .

Did you know if you trace everyone's ancestry back far enough, every person with at least one caucasian ancestor has an 8 in 10 chance of also being related to Charlemagne? And people with at least one east Asian ancestor have a 9 in 10 chance of being related to Ghengis Khan.

I am so glad I'm not royalty.