Roll Call Four

overracting? over what?

im not in an argument. im trying to seek acceptance.

okay? i mean im not okay at all. ok. im trying to deal with a lot stuff and theres no one to lean so i find people. out of desperation. i go back to the place i know. out of desperation. and seek acceptance.

i dont even know.
im a pathetic loser. like cant you see that by now?
thers nothing about me thats good. its just not.
nothing. and im not saying that out of pity im saying that out of fact.

i dont think so.
i think this what i think society think. but i mean you are society.

I understand both your need to retreat and your bf's fear.

Quote:

Fighting back the urge to scream & throw things... It just sounds like it would make me feel better. Very fidgetty; uncomfortable in my own skin.

I doubt it would make you feel better, but I've never faced this challenge myself. In my experience, yelling never makes me feel better. And in your case, if you end up with an encounter with the police or an angry neighbor it might make things much worse.

Quote:

I like most of those quotes. Some of them are a little too sappy & happyhappy joyjoy for me, but for the most part, are filled with a great deal of good advice...

Quote:

Stillness makes me more anxious. I just need to be moving & have my mind pacified by chaos.

Would a very long, very fast walk help?

You don't accept yourself.

i dont undertand
im willing to hit rock bottom.

Society isn't monolithic. The problem isn't whether society accepts you. It's that you don't accept yourself. So you imagine that I and others don't accept you.

nope... same one. johnnie....

I don't know what you mean.

Why do you get messages about guns?

i mean like im willing to live and die.
i have nothing to certainly say i live for
once my dad dies
this is it for me.

look jesus didnt have to any stuff. just because i think im a martyr doesnt mean i think im the messiah.

ill be in state hospital in a matter of years. this is it for me. this is it.

the time i spend here online with people idk know is all i have.

my dad wants to leave me hes dying on me. i cant stop that. now my life has two or three choices. poverty and homeslessness, state hospital or death.
thats all my life is. after my dad dies. my life is predetermind dude to patern. my dad will die from alchohol and here i am? if freak out in in state hospital unless i kill myself that same night and goto heaven with him. OR ill take it in stride and end up homeless on the street and then i might as welll be in state hospital after so long.

I'm sorry it seems so bleak to you. I think there are other options. The fact is none of us can see the future.

its ok.

im am sorry to everyone if the messages were indecipherable.
i really am.
Stay is my holy grail.
he killed him on his 21st birthday as it was the greatest work of art. i failed to do it at 21. my attempted. and i drew all the pics and made movies and even made a shed to host my hanging and i didnt have the balls. im a weak mothereffer.

I guess that's not my definition of weak.

i even went to a home depot and bought f**king rope. bungee cord. and im still a weak mothereffer.

i f**king tied the rope to the planks and got a chair and just couldnt do it..

i went to the T on this *****.

why?????

not from him, from the tv. and the radio. and songs etc...

anything that can make a sound basically...

just drew this... just some doodles really..

Suicide creates a lot of unnecessary pain for the people left behind.

lol... NECESSARY.....

Yes, I understood that. I just wondered why.

My son tried to buy a gun once. He flipped out and took off and ended up hospitalized in another state before he could pick it up. But ever after that the people at the mhc were scared of him. In fact they had a whole story about him that wasn't true. I think they really believe it, though. They said he was arrested and had a gun on him. Nothing like that ever happened, but they seemed to believe it.

He said he wanted it for protection.

lol... Freudian slip?

yup... a text i sent johnnie earilier today. my car broke down, ran out of gas. i was on the side of the road for 2 hrs waiting on a tow trucker who ended up just coming and giving me free gas... anyway.. i texted him then...

me: i liked talking to you today. there are lots of things i have figured out recently.some of them disturbing and morbid.... i have witnessed some strange things. mostly just messages to die. like they think im a martyr or something. the television tell s me which method to use. i already scoped out a gun shop......Nevermind...its more for protection anyway. its maddening at this point. all of the paranoia and hallucinations. the feelings of confusion on what is real and what might not be. i just want to know why i opened Pandora's box?

have a good evening j and a restful night. ill see ya around i guess.

I've been waking up really nauseous every day & I'm not knocked up, so I think my ulcer is coming back. Doing a bit better today, but it gets worse during the night so we'll see how the day carries on... Woke up ridiculously early to get our other car worked on. We spent $100 accumulatively on tow trucks only to find out not a damn thing was wrong. Evidently the car we have has a mechanism in the door lock where you have to hold it in position so the other doors will unlock & will allow you to actually operate the vehicle. It's hilarious. *shakes head*

My sister in law called my bf last night because she started hallucinating, too... Which quite unnerves me in a way, but makes sense because her uncle is Schizophrenic. She's the one who helped my bf find that university clinic for me, because they helped her with her issues from being Borderline. I'm conflicted, in a weird way, or at least was last night. He's started to get impatient with me while I'm psychotic, but now he has no problem helping someone else through an irrational state?

How's everyone else?

Ok, I seriously hate to say this, but if the ulcer is from stress, I'd rather you get ulcers than become psychotic.

Quote:

He's started to get impatient with me while I'm psychotic, but now he has no problem helping someone else through an irrational state?

Because it's far far easier to help someone at a remove than someone you live with.

Quote:

How's everyone else?

I have a meeting with a lady at the local Small Business Development Center today. I've made little progress on my business, and my biggest fear is that I simply don't have the right qualities to start and run a business. Right now it feels like my only hope for escaping a job I've come to hate, so I feel a bit desparate.

HAHAHAHAH
I'm conflicted. I'd like to not be distressed by the phenomena, but I like eating! I can't even drink my coffee or eat a small bowl of cereal. Ugh. But I know what you were trying to convey & that is very nice of you.

I suppose. It was just difficult to grapple with when I had a hard time conveying my needs, because I felt like they were blatantly ignored. Perhaps he couldn't see me struggling? I kinda just... Sat there with a blank expression & not really saying anything. Lol so I guess I can't blame him?

Can't blame you for feeling desperate to find a way out!! I really hope it works out for you.

i stayed up all night listening to music and drawing idk idk